The Duke: Questions & Cautions around Doms and D/s Relationships

Posted by Delaine - May 30, 2014 - Concerns & Fears, Dating & Sex, From the Dating Trenches, Internet Dating, Loving & Trusting, On My Book Becoming A Movie, Sexual Issues & Kinks, slideshow, Women's Sexuality - No Comments

alex c4The Duke, The Duke, The Duke — without a doubt, he’s a big character in my book/movie that captures women’s attention.  He is a sexual Dominant after all; a grown-up and much more believable “Christian Grey”.

Alex Carter plays ”The Duke” in my Lifetime movie – and dang…he is some convincing as a Dom, too (smiles).  Anyhow – I want to take a few moments to answer some of the questions I’m being asked about his character (without doing spoilers).  I also feel a strong responsibility to clarify some important points around Dominance/submission — for safety reasons.

Did The Duke really exist?

Yes, he did.  In real life, however, we never met in person.  He introduced my mind to some of the concepts of D/s.  Many I rejected.

The character in the movie is a combination of The Duke and another Dom named Sir Jon the Dom, whom I did meet.

Did you do whatever The Duke ‘ordered’ you to do?

Absolutely not.  Our relationship was primarily limited to email and I was not his mindless puppet.  Nor should any woman be that to a man.  He introduced me to a new way of thinking and I liked how he challenged me to assess my beliefs about sex, shame, value, and identity.  I was fascinated by the triage of love – power – sex that he spoke of, most probably because at the time I sought to better understand  how men think.  After all, I’d been betrayed by two men I loved.  I wondered, “Are women up to their noses in romance novels while men are thinking in terms of power?”

The Dom you DID meet -  how long did you speak and get to know each other before you met?

We spoke over the phone for three full months, almost every day.  He did not officially become ‘my Dom’ until almost two months in.  It’s extremely important that you get to really know each other before entering into a D/s relationship.  Ladies, you must assess him many times over to see if he is worthy — in character, personality and spirit.  As Sir Jon explained to me, communication, honesty, respect and trust are the four pillars of any D/s relationships.  Until such time as you know that that foundation is in place, never meet a Dom in private and never take your clothes off. You could end up in hospital.

When I flew to the States to meet Sir Jon, I took all sorts of precautionary steps — background checks, separate hotel rooms, we took a cab from the airport instead of me getting in his car.  My point is that you should never hand over your trust too quickly, no matter how badly you want to.  Keep your cool and be smart.

Is Dominance submission all about the kink?

NO.  Sex is just one more area that it extends into.  D/s can be kinky, but again, at the core, it’s based on trust and love. It is intimacy on every level, mind, body and spirit.

Are true Doms easy to find?

NO.   There are lots of men online proclaiming to be Doms, but in reality they are fakes, wannabees, sadists, misogynists and abusers.  Donning a mask and whip does not a Dominant make.  Nor does their physical power over you.  So be careful and move slowly if you decide to explore this road.  If a man starts pushing you to move too fast, get out.  A true Dom will earn your trust, put in all the time required,  and treat it as a precious gift.

Have you heard from The Duke or Sir Jon since you wrote your book?

Funny: )  Sir Jon, no.  The Duke — yes.  He emailed me once after my book came out, two years ago.  I also heard from him two days ago — I guess he saw the movie trailer lol.  Please remember, it’s been six years since he and I corresponded online.  So I find it cute — but I’m not in the same place in life whatsoever.

If you have any other questions, comments or concerns about D/s, please email me through my contact page.