The Real Secret of Passionate Sex

Posted by Delaine - June 3, 2011 - Relationships, Sex - 1 Comment

It’s a common fear among many divorced women and men – yet it’s something they oftentimes keep secret:  that is, once they start seriously dating someone, their sex life will dry up and die a painful death like it did during their marriage.

Lots of us carry wounds and fears around sex and intimacy into our single hood.  Our sense of self-worth, our desirability, our skill, our physical ‘flaws’… how do we make sure we don’t allow the past to inhibit or destroy the passion in our new relationships?

According to psychologist and sex therapist Dr. Stephanie Buehler, the secret to keeping passion alive in any relationship, is to focus less on ‘technique’ and more on communication.  Sounds elementary, right?  Probably something you’ve already heard before too…

But what you may not have heard are the following questions Dr. Buelher provides that you can ask your partner to help catalze ‘sex talk’ and intimacy. Maybe they’ll act as a ‘side-door’ to a discussion you really want to have.

·      What sorts of love or sex scenes in movies or books really turn you on?

·      What is the funniest thing you ever learned about sex?

·      What do you want from sex that you haven’t asked for?

·      Do you remember how old you were when you started to feel sexual urges?

·      What was that like for you?

·      What did you learn about sex at home?  From religion?  From school?

·      What part of sex is the most wonderful for you?

·      What embarrasses you most about sex?

·      Why do you like it when I make love to you?

·      If we could make love anywhere in the world, where would that be?

·      How do you like to get in the mood?

·      What is your favorite time of day to make love?

·      How do you feel when I don’t want to make love with you?

·      What is the sexiest thing you’ve ever seen?

So let us remember Dr. Buehler’s words as we dare to love again; as we dare to make it work this time.   It’s not the animalistic attraction nor a specific technique or two that really count for passion in the bedroom – it’s the the intimacy we share from our lips and in between our ears. Let us all be mindful and expressive of that, this time round.