One-Night Stands & Selfish Men

Posted by Delaine - June 26, 2011 - Between the Sheets, Concerns & Fears, Dating & Sex, Understanding Men/Women, Women's Sexuality - 6 Comments

Most women know – and men will even admit -  that a lot of men are selfish when it comes to one-night stands:  they’re in it only for their own sexual satisfaction and couldn’t care less about the woman’s.

This unfortunate realization hit home hard for a client of mine last week.  She went over to a man’s house knowing full well that she only wanted sex, as did he.  And she passionately opened things up by pleasuring him uninhibitedly, assuming that he, in turn, would naturally want to reciprocate…

But ‘her turn’ was not on his agenda – as soon as he was ‘taken care of,’ he suddenly picked up his phone and announced “I have to go to work right away -  just got called in.”  And before ANY part of you begs to believe his story, I’ll add that it was 8 p.m. on a  SATURDAY night, he works for a marketing company (that was closed), AND, she never heard from him again.

The writing was clearly on the wall: she’d been ‘had’ by an ‘In-it-for-me Man’.

Rightfully so, my client was disgusted: not with herself, for she doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with two consenting adult agreeing on have some mutually pleasurable sex time – but with his behavior, of course.  And her dilemma got me thinking, when it comes to ‘sexual encounters’ or one-night stands, what can a woman do to ensure he doesn’t get away with making it all about him?

I don’t think there’s a foolproof way to 100% avoid the ‘In-it-for-me’ Man; they can be a masterfully manipulative breed.  That being said, flashes of his reptilian skin are often there to see if you know what to look for.  Moreover, there are ways you can ‘control the show’ after your clothes are off IF you’re brave enough to own/speak/demonstrate your sexual wants and needs.

Here are some examples:

1)  Before you make the decision to go home with a man, do some intelligent, suggestive,  ‘sexy talk’ with him and pay close attention to how he responds. For example, you could ask: “Don’t you just love the female body?  Tell me what you love most (ie, feel, scent, smoothness etc).”  Now assess his response – does his answer involve the woman pleasuring him? Does it boomerang back to the needs of HIS crotch? Look at his face and non-verbal communication – are there signs of excitement/sensuality?  Don’t be afraid to dig deeper with your ‘sexy talk’ here;  you have a voice for a reason, and better you investigate NOW verses lying there disappointed and unfulfilled later.  If his answer is vague or simply not good enough, say something casually backhanded (but with a smile on your face) like: “Tsk tsk…I’m afraid I don’t like that answer.  I like a man who fully enjoys a woman’s body in the same way I enjoy a man’s.  Anything less is well…not worth my time.”  In saying this you’ve forewarned him/challenged him to pleasure  you before there will be anything in it for him.  There’s nothing wrong with allowing your wants/expectations to be heard, ladies; you’re allowed to demand as much as you give.

2)  Don’t ‘over give’ fresh out of the starting gates. Maybe your marriage or past relationships trained you to believe that the man’s pleasure always comes first. Maybe you’ve made the mistake of assuming that if you give and give and give to a man (both sexually AND outside the bedroom), he’ll naturally want to ‘even the scales’ so-to-speak.  Not true. Men usually assume that we’re giving solely cause we WANT to – if we didn’t, we’d say or act otherwise.  So remember two things here:  men need to work for a woman – they like the chase, they like ‘figuring’ her out, even in bed. So make him work for the prize of his climax.  And two: there’s absolutely nothing wrong with giving a ‘taste’ of your talents if you want – but consider it a sampling; don’t overdo it at the beginning or the blowtorch will burn out.

3)  Assert what you want. You can do this either by telling him what to do, by guiding his hands, or BOTH.  You might think, “Ohhhh I can’t do that.”  For many of you it’s outside your comfort zone, and you revert to your give-give-give- hope-he’ll-give in return approach.  But I’d like to challenge you on that:

Firstly, men like when a woman is assertive and comfortable with her sexuality. This is true for the vast majority of (grown-up) men.  Being more assertive is more of a turn on, than turn off.  So you’re actually doing HIM and YOU a favor by taking charge.

Secondly,  since you know you’re only going to see him once, what have you got to lose? Do you want to lie there silently hoping he gives you what you want or are you darn-well gonna take this opportunity to the max? I’d say the odds of your satisfaction are much more in your favor if you try the latter.

Thirdly, believe it or not, men feel happiest when they feel ‘successful’ – and in bed, this translates into them driving you wild with passion. Let him hear your desire, let him watch you, explore you – show him through your responses what you want and need, and have no doubt about it, he’ll gladly take full credit for taking you there…EVEN, if it’s just a one-night rockin stand: )

Any other ideas amongst you?  Please feel free to share if you’re inclined…