Scoring Points with Girlfriends/Wives: Giant Mistake #1

Posted by Delaine - May 10, 2011 - Making It Work, Relationships, Understanding Men/Women - 1 Comment

So you took your lady out for a lovely evening.  It included the works: her favorite restaurant, a film or performance she was dying to see,  romance to the n’th degree, and maybe even a surprise gift of flowers or a piece of jewelery.

You could tell by the smile on her face and the look in her eyes just how pleased she was – and later, as you drifted off to sleep together, wrapped in each other’s arm, you couldn’t help but think to yourself, “Man, I really scored some points with her tonight!  I won’t have to do this again for awhile…”

And therein lies the mistake in most men’s thinking.

It’s not that women want/need to be wined and dined and romanced every other night; we’re really not that high maintenance!  The error lies in assuming that in ‘doing the works’ you scored so many points that ‘she should be good for awhile!’  Such is not the case.  Cause whether you executed a grandiose evening for two, or did something thoughtful for her around the house, both equate to your earning ONE POINT.  That’s right – ONE POINT. Not the hundred that you assumed.

Confused yet?

You see, women have different scoring systems than men.  Cause women have different NEEDS than men.  And our primary want/need is for you to make us feel good – to show us you care on an ONGOING basis.  So though a wonderful evening out every month or so is great, the little things you do in between count just as much, if not more.

Let me use dating as an analogy.  When you first started dating her, you went out of your way to do litle things for her, right?  Whether it was opening the car door for her, planning a dinner out or helping her with something around the house, your goal was to ‘win’ her cause you wanted her.  And it was fun for you – cause she appreciated all you did back then, didn’t she?  You could see it on her face and it made you glow.  Cause making her smile made you feel ‘successful’, a feeling ALL men want.  Whether it’s at work or in love, men’s joy comes from knowing they are respected, appreciated and that they possess the ability to please their woman.

But time ticked along…and your dating one another evolved into a ‘relationship.’  Now that you’d accomplished that – you’d successfully won her – you thought you could relax on ‘winning her’  and focus on enjoying the relationship.   After all, you’d already PROVEN to her that you love her, right?  She should KNOW you’d do anything for her, right?

But you know what, guys?  You know what she’s thinking on the flip side?  “Where the hell did the man I fell in love with disappear to?!!”

Look – you can call it being needy, you can call it needing reassurance, and you can sit there scratching your head all afternoon over this one.  But at the end of the day, in order for women to feel content in a relationship they need to know on an ongoing basis that you can and will please them.  It’s ALL the things you do and say to make them smile, that give you points. It’s a  ‘slow and steady, steady and slow’ point system, that you may well have known nothing about.

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One comment

  • Healing Internally says:

    Cause whether you executed a grandiose evening for two, or did something thoughtful for her around the house, both equate to your earning ONE POINT.

    This is wrong on so many levels, I don’t know where to begin.

    To unlock the hidden assumptions in that sentence, let’s look at the words in some detail. The subject (“you”) and verbs (“executed” and “did”) and object (“for her”) make several things clear:
    1. As a man, you are expected to execute and do things for her.
    2. By “executing” and “doing”, you “earn points”.
    3. You are expected to earn and accumulate points, and if you continue to do so, you get the reward of continuing in the relationship. If you don’t… you don’t.
    e. In other words, your value is based not only on what you do for her but also on what you keep doing for her.
    This is 100% offensive and fundamentally misguided. Who wants to keep having to run harder and harder on a treadmill that never stops? You are a human being, and you should not be valued primarily for what you do, but for who you are, as a person.
    And you are a good person, a kind, decent, loving, responsible person. (You are, aren’t you?) And you deserve to be acknowledged, respected, valued, and yes, loved for that, just as she deserves to be valued for who she is as a person.
    Does that mean you or your partner can sit on your behind and not do things for each other? Of course not. But the key is that you should do things for each other because you are genuinely want to do so… not because you’re being obligated or pressured to jump through a never-ending series of hoops set up by your partner.
    Lastly, if one or both partners in a relationship insist on a scoring mechanism (“earning ONE POINT”), this is complete poison to building a lasting, enduring relationship. If you sense your partner is counting, adding, subtracting, or otherwise keeping score of your points, you should stop and re-evaluate the relationship right there, and decide whether or not you should continue with that person. (Be careful not to engage in a scoring mechanism of your own as you do this, however.)

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