My Admiration and Appreciation of Men

Posted by Delaine - February 16, 2011 - Healing, Phases/ Stages, Understanding Men/Women - 8 Comments

It’s happening; I’ve reached a point where I no longer wish to block it.  The ice around my heart is melting…and I’mfeeling my ‘need’ for a man again.

It has taken four years of being single to arrive at this place.  It has required I first learn how to be happy on my own.  But now I want to be happier.  And that means it’s time for me to allow my human need - the one of my heart and soul -  to make room for the energy of loving a man again. 

The metamorphisis I’m undergoing is difficult to describe.  It’s like I’ve suddenly dawned a new set of glasses – and what I see of men all around me fills me with strong feelings of gratitude and adoration for them.  Please allow me to give you a few examples from today to show you what I mean”:  

Incident #1: I was driving downtown at lunch hour for a meeting. While idling at a set of lights I looked up and saw a couple of men working forty floors up on wide open beams.  And though I’ve seen this kind of scene countless times before, today it was different; for I suddenly thought, “Thank God  for men” - and  I really felt it!  

My mind then began sorting through other jobs men commonly hold - the ones that require they lift their body weight or more, or get greasy or sweaty all day, or put their physical safety at risk.   I thought about the skill and power and precision so many of these jobs require, as well as how perfectly the male physique is built for doing them; the male body is truly an amazing thing, isn’t it?

Now some of you might find that whole line of thinking sexist.  After all, many women can and do perform such jobs in the workforce just as well as men.  I’m just not one of them. And truth be told, since divorcing, I’ve despised having do  repairs on my house; I don’t even enjoy maintaining my car.  My point is that this incident today allowed me to not only APPRECIATE men, but ADMIRE them. In turn, those feelings put me in touch with my ‘need’ to have a man around to do the ‘handy’ stuff in my home.  I’ll even go so far as to say that I miss that about my ex-husband; he was really good at such things…and I totally took it for granted.

Incident #2:  I was walking behind a man and woman in the mall, scanning the shops for a drug store.  Suddenly I saw the man reach over, wrap his arm around the woman,  and kiss the side of her head.  As I watched this transpire from a distance, time seemed to stand still – I felt not only how she relaxed her head into his shoulder, but the loving, protective energy behind his actions.  And in that moment… my ‘need’ to be held and feel a strong, protective arm around me filled me with warmth.

Incident #3:  I was in a furniture store, looking for a new throw rug.  The sales associate was a man and doing his best to help me coordinate colors.  But suddenly he confessed, “Ummm, I have to be honest with you – I really don’t have a clue how to match colors.  Flat-screens and recliners are more my specialty.” 

And I laughed.  I laughed and rejoiced at his male ‘tendency’ towards electronics, comfy recliners, and a remote.  Why?  Cause it put me in touch with my femininity: my need to make things beautiful; to take care of the home, other people, the planet.   And by tuning into my own femininity – something I’ve denied myself too often these past years, I become aware of my ‘need’ for balancing - I make space for the masculine to reenter my life.

I don’t know if what I wrote here today makes sense to anyone but me.  Perhaps I flipped so far to the ‘independant’ side since divorcing that I blocked out my need for a man to a more severe degree than others.  Regardless, where I’m at now feels good.  It’s like a rusty old valve in my heart is reopening and pulsing again.  And I can only feel gratitude for it – for I don’t want my desire to be i’ndependant’ to mean I have to spend the rest of my life alone.  And if I realize that up to this time, by NOT allowing myself to feel my ‘need’, I’ve sent men running the other way – and why wouldn’t they?  

 

Share

8 comments

  • Lynn says:

    Wow. This post gave me goosebumps. You spoke about something I’ve been unaware of yet it is true for me too. Thank you D. I think the more I allow myself to appreciate and admire men, the more apt my speical one will be to appear.

  • BarbP says:

    I’ve been reading your blog for the past two years D. I have to say that your journey and personal evlution is pretty extraordinary. You’ve always given me something to think about. This artcile has me thinking about the differnece bwteen happy and happier. I have toom for improvement too. I think allowing msyelf to love again will bring me there. My resistence still comes from fear. The fear of beingvulnerable and hurt again. But what’s the alternative? To never try again? To never love and be loved again? That thought scares me even more.

  • Bobbie says:

    Now I know I am not the only one. I have been divorced for 7 years and I am still not there yet. I cant even look at a man and a woman kissing. I have a hatred toward men that I can not get passed. I have dated on and off but i am scared of intimacy. I hate it when men look me in the eyes. I feel so uncomfortable, i cant do it. Hopefully one day I will look at them as more than just pigs.

  • DelaineM says:

    Bobbie, how long were you married for? I sense from other comments you’ve left on this site that your marriage was abusive as well…

    It’s normal to go through an anger stage. God knows I did, this article is living proof. But when women haven’t fully healed the pain/grief of their marriage, their number one tendency is withdraw trust and bury the unresolved grief. That’s why many women, years after divorcing, remain resentful and bitter towards men. Unfortunately time isn’t always enough to heal the grief, you need to get help so you can let go of the past, move away from those negative feelings and open your heart again…

    You may not be ready to love again…but are you ready to do the unfinished work some part of you knows needs to be done?

  • Bobbie says:

    Delaine,

    Yes i am ready to do the work. I was married for 7 yeras and now I have been divorced for 7 years. It has been far too long that i have been carrying this on my shoulders.

    Bobbie

  • DelaineM says:

    As I said in my last response Bobbie, it doesn’t matter how long it took you to get to where you are now, the great news is that you’re HERE. Many men and women never get here but continue to live their lives in a state of denial, justification, or self-blame LONG after their divorces. You’re ready to go to the next stage – and though it’s scary, mark my words, it’s worth the effort and time.

  • Healing Internally says:

    Ugh… I had a visceral reaction of disgust when I read Bobbie’s words.

    Seriously? It’s been seven years, and you still “hate men”, to the extent that you hate it when “men look me in the eyes”, and think of men — all men — as “just pigs”?

    Whatever your personal traumas or issues you may have experienced in the past, the fact remains that you’ve willfully held onto this bag of hurt for so long and into the present, and that even after the passage of so much time, you continue to speak in such degrading, demeaning, and essentializing terms about an entire gender.

    Make no mistake: That makes you a raging, hateful misandrist, and you get no sympathy from me, just like a man who “hates women” is a misogynist and would get no sympathy from me either.

    Yes, it’s good that you’re finally “ready to do the work” to start healing and loving again, but you’ve obviously done a lot of damage to yourself, and probably to others as well, along the way.

    So do all of us a favor and please keep yourself out the dating pool, until and unless you’ve gotten lots of therapy to help heal your heart, and you’ve become more human again.

    Good luck with your healing. It’s obvious that you have your work cut out for you.

    • Bobbie says:

      Wow, Its funny how you make it seem like what happened to me is my fault. But you are right I held on to the pain and hatred but for a very good reason. It fueled my fire to be able to get as far as I have gotten. I have since let it go. I have actually met a really great guy that I am currently with. At any rate you obviously overlooked the fact that I wrote that I was wanting to get passed it, not that I wanted to think that way. Perhaps if you knew the events that occured to me you might understand my haterd that was well deserved. But that is not important now because i dont need your understanding. Good news is my outlook on life is great right i am excited about my new boyfriend and the past does not matter anymore. Thank you for your honesty though, it is very refreshing to hear some one be so forthright. :)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

*

*

CAPTCHA Image
CAPTCHA Audio
Refresh Image

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>