"Doing it" right in the next relationship after divorce.

Posted by Delaine - January 4, 2011 - Relationships, Sex - No Comments

Submitted by Dr. Stephanie Buehler.

If you listen to the media, you’d think that committed couples have the worst time having great sex. But it just isn’t true – not for every couple. Some couples understand how passionate sex happens. Read on to discover just some of the secrets they can teach you about great sex:

1. Never make your bedroom into a stage. Making love is not a performance, it’s an experience to be enjoyed like painting a picture or listening to a piece of music.

2. Never make your partner into a critic. If you think that your partner is judging the way in which you make love, you’re going to freeze up and stop enjoying yourself. Get into lovemaking and enjoy yourself without worrying so much about your partner.

3. Stop spectatoring. What is spectatoring? It’s watching your own performance while you make love. If you remember “Annie Hall,” Annie has the experience of being outside of herself while she and Alfie (Woody Allen) are having sex. Instead, be fully present to what is happening in your body and to your partner.

4. Use sex as a way to express your feelings. If you keep your feelings out of the bedroom, your partner is going to start feeling like their in a porn flick with you. Sex becomes robotic when you put your feelings in the deep freeze while you make love.

5. Give your partner encouragement. Everyone needs to hear that they’re a good lover and that you enjoy their touch. Don’t take it for granted that your partner just understands that you love him or her. Express it verbally, too.

6. Ask for what you want or need. Sexy couples know that their partner cannot read minds. Be kind, be playful, be inviting, and let your partner know just what will turn you on.

7. Get over your hang-ups. If you are carrying old baggage into the bedroom with you, like being inhibited about sex or still being stuck in some old relationship, drop it off at the door. Don’t bring that old junk into the bedroom with you. Try new things, even if it feels awkward.

8. Take care of your sexual health. That means taking care of your overall mental, physical, and emotional health. You can’t be a sexy lover if you are a wreck. Exercise, eat right, get enough sleep, and stay positive.

You can make changes one at a time. Read over this list and decide what you will work on next to make things hotter in the bedroom. Your lover will thank you for it.

Dr. Stephanie Buehler is Director of The Buehler Institute in Orange County, CA. As a licensed psychologist and AASECT certified sex therapist, she specializes in helping couples discover better intimacy, in and out of the bedroom. She is the editor of the Women’s Sexual Health Journal and considered an expert on the subject of sexual health for both men and women. To find out more or to reach Dr. Buehler, please visit the website.