I’m The Primary Shareholder of my Heart
When it comes to my dating and sex life, my BRAIN now sits in the driver’s seat, NOT my heart. Sound cold? Perhaps. Self-defensive? Could be. But to me, not only does it feel right, it feels empowering. And sometimes I swear I’ve heard my angels say, “Thank GOD she finally got it!”
Ever since I was 14 years old, I think I had a boy/man on my brain. I was always pining over, dating, doodling about, or daydreaming about SOME man; life seemed incomplete otherwise. From high school and university to the professional workforce in my late twenties, my heart was hell-bent on meeting, connecting with and loving a man. And when the heavens finally opened up and sent me a husband, I think I was actually relieved – my days of chasing and trying to figure out men were over.
But old habits return fast and hard. And over a year ago when my marriage fell apart, my heart-driven ways returned with a vengeance. I threw myself into the online dating sea with my heart at the helm; I needed love, I needed validation, and gosh darnit, I needed it now. Cause not only was I OLD (37 at the time), I also had three young kids in tow. What man would ever fall for a woman like THAT? I had to get to work ASAP!
Any type of rejection I received from the men I dated was taken personally, including every phone call they didn’t return and any email they didn’t open or answer. Nervously I prepared for each and every date, thinking and hoping, What if he is THE one? I had to be at my best. I had to make sure he liked me, that I was pretty enough, smart enough, worthy enough, funny enough…
But over the course of the next year, my thinking slowly started to change; or rather, I actually started thinking, instead of unconsciously pursuing men like a desperate, vertebrae-less fool. For the first time ever, I realized my brain had a place in my dating life; that I could CHOOSE to become interested in (obsessed) with a man or not. I realized I could share romantic, passionate, intense moments with a man – in bed or out – yet not assume he was a love connection. I realized I didn’t need to change who I was or how I acted to be what I thought he wanted me to be. I realized I’d spent so much of my life worrying about what men thought of me that I hadn’t really stopped to wonder, What do I think of them? Are they smart enough, handsome enough, worthy enough etc. to be with me?
So now I continue on, dating, taking lovers, making friends, and making mistakes. But most importantly, I’m using this time to get to know this vast, multidimensional soul named Delaine. And the more I get to know her, the more I realize it’ll take way more than ‘any’ man to seize her heart; she may be 39 and a single mom of three, but that just makes her more fantastic!
Am I open to love? Maybe. But is it at the top of my agenda? Not at all. I’m truly OK being on my own right now; men are a pleasant ‘aside.’ I like having the choice to say no to a date so that I can spend time with my kids or friends if I want. I like waking up in the morning, savoring the memory of last night’s hot sex, but carrying on with my day without wanton distraction. I can appreciate a man’s company and fine attributes, treat him with kindness and respect all the while, but hang onto my valuable Self in the process. I’ve become what I call, “The Primary Shareholder of my Heart.” And until I decide otherwise, I will continue to retain 51% ownership, thereby freeing me to live, grow, and create a new identity and life for Delaine.