I Smell A Cheating Husband…You?

Posted by Delaine - November 3, 2010 - Infidelity, Social Barriers & Change, Support & Girlfriends, Surviving - 9 Comments

This past weekend, a very close friend of mine, Darlene, phoned me in a tizzy. Out of the blue, she had been accused by a girlfriend of having an affair with her husband. And since I’d recently been accused of the same by a neighbor, she wanted help sorting through the drama.

Now I believe Darlene 100%, when she says nothing was going on. And my goal in writing this is NOT to decide whether or not SHE is guilty. It’s her girlfriend’s husband’s behavior that has me going hmm. And I’m wondering if this case scenario raises any other eyebrows or just my own – after all, maybe I’m biased or overly-suspicious having dealt with a cheating spouse first-hand. 

You see, Darlene’s and his relationship was limited to the e-world – hold on, let me confine that even more:  it consisted of him regularly forwarding her jokes when he worked out of town. He worked one month on, one month off in the oil industry and boredom often drove him to play in cyberspace.   Some of these forwarded jokes were, of course, sexual as is often the case in the e-world.

Only in THREE cases, did Darlene ever reply to him regarding any of these jokes. and they were slapstick one-line responses, perfectly innocent and done in good humor.  And one day, thinking she had nothing to hide, Darlene revealed to her girlfriend the contents of one their emails…and  THAT was enough to get the accusations flying.  ENRAGED, this woman phoned her husband, demanding the password to his email account – for she believed that if  ”nothing was going on  between them, he shouldn’t have a problem granting her access.”

And wcyber-cheating-husband-wifehat did he do?  WHAT DID HE DO? He deleted his entire inbox of emails and told his wife to mind her own business.

Immediately I told Darlene that his actions sent off huge warning bells.  Maybe he wasn’t cheating with Darlene…but perhaps someone else?  Maybe he was playing on dating sites or porn sites?  Maybe he’d reconnected and flirted with old girlfriends?

My friend Darlene couldn’t phathom the idea at all; she hasn’t dealt with issues around cheating before so this is brand new territory to her.  She reiterated the husband’s excuses as if she’d bought them hook, line and sinker:

1) It really wasn’t his wife’s business who he spoke to and she had no right to check up on him as if he was a child.

2) He’d deleted his emails in a moment of ‘passion’ (anger).

3)  He had confidential work emails in there that his wife shouldn’t be privy to (company policy).

I know all these reasons seem valid on some level.  And no matter how we analyse them, the truth of this man’s goings-on will only be known to him.   But when it comes to people having affairs, there are a few things I’ve learned these past few years:

1) Cheaters don’t have identification tags around their necks; if you think they can be relegated to a ‘type’, you’re sorely wrong.  I don’t know how many times I’ve heard, “But I’d NEVER suspect him/her to have an affair!”

2) You can NOT go through life assuming that what everyone says at face-value is TRUE!

3) When behavior seems inconcongruent and sends your spider senses crawling into overdrive, there’s usually a reason.

4) When cornered, cheaters react in defensive, offensive and irrational ways…

Like deleting an entire inbox. That’s sure not something I would have done…unless I had something to hide.