“My New Girlfriend Doesn’t Like Oral Sex Or Cuddling”

Posted by Delaine - January 24, 2010 - Dating & Sex, Relationships, Sex, Sexual Issues & Kinks, Women's Sexuality - 8 Comments

dislike oral sex dating after divorceDo you ever wonder if staying in an unhappy marriage for years has made you blind to warning signs as you date again?  Are you so accustomed to  ‘dealing with’ relationship issues and compromising who you are/what you need, that you continue dating someone who’s already bringing you down?

Take Chuck for example, a man who recently wrote me asking for counsel around a woman he’s been dating for a month now.  Although he really likes this woman, to his chagrin, she doesn’t like receiving oral sex.  When he tried to talk to her about it, she closed the conversation and laughed: “Hey, consider yourself lucky –  I’ll never make you do it so you’re off the hook.”

Then, to make matters worse, he’s noticed that they can be in the same room for hours without her wanting any kind of physical contact – not even as much as a hug.  What do you think of her behavior, Delaine? he asked.  “What can I do to make things better?”

I first suggested that perhaps her disinterest in oral sex stemmed from a really bad past experience…or maybe she’d even been sexualy abused.  And as for her non-affection, perhaps that would change over time as they got to know each other better.  It sounded to me like they needed to have a good talk.

But he quickly rejected my suggestions.  Instead he was focused on what he what he could do to ‘fix her’ and change her.  And that’s when I heard alarm bells.  “Chuck,” I wrote, “Since this is the first woman you’ve dated since separating, do you really think your time/energy is best spent trying to ‘fix’ someone? And by the way, you can’t fix or change anyone; she has to want to do it herself.”

Still, he ignored me – he was convinced that if he DID or SAID something specific, these issues, HER issues, would go away.

I probed deeper,asking about the dynamic between he and his wife during their marriage.  No surprise, he said he spent his marriage trying to please her, yet always felt he came up short;  that despite his ongoing efforts, nothing he said or did was good enough to meet his wife’s needs or expectations.  He was accustomed to feeling inadequate and unworthy.

Thus I use Chuck’s case to caution those who are new to separation and dating again: even though you swear you’d never date someone like your ex again, you can unconsciously end up in the same kind of dynamic yet again, even if on the outside, your new relationship looks very different. That’s why it’s imperative you make the time to consciously keep doing your ’inner work.’   Your marriage trained you to be and act a certain way, probably for a significant part of your life – and you’ve probably grown accustomed, possibly even addicted, to feeling crappy about yourself in many ways while in a relationship.

So remember to put getting to know YOURSELF at the top of your list as you get back out there and date.  Be curious about YOU, pay close attention to what things do and don’t make you truly happy, and be aware of any triggers or sore spots when you’re in someone’s company.  And if EVER you start contemplating what YOU can do or say to change someone else, give yourself a shake.  You did NOT  go through all the pain of divorce just to end up in another unhappy realtionship, whether it’s for three weeks or three years.



  • LBW says:

    Excellent advice.

  • Travis says:

    To feel adequate and worthy, learn about yourself. Women aren’t interested in men who want to fix them. They are interested in men who want to fix themselves. You want to fix the problem? Turn yourself into the man they want. (But only if you want it too). And when you look at what a women really want’s in a man. It’s deep waters. They just didn’t know that they can swim in those waters. (Guys can suck that way)

    Time and time again, after talking with a woman I hear:

    “I don’t want you to fix me.” to which I say, “When did I say I want to fix you? I didn’t even ask about your problem”

    It becomes ingrained in their minds, that we want to fix a problem by saying the right thing, and acting in the right way. And, this is a problem guys fall into. We have to say the right things, and act in the right ways, because we want to.

    What you really need to do, is study her, and listen. Find out about the problem without asking right out. Never ask about the problem. Just listen to everything else she is talking about. Because, in reality she is talking about all of her concerns. Even if indirectly. It’s in the tone in her voice. It’s how she changed her routine. It’s in how she looks, how she see’s herself. It’s in her desires.

    If you just dig into her life, and become a part of it. Everything about her will be revealed.

    And never be judgmental, even for yourself. Never assume it’s something we as men did. which is just as bad as assuming she did something.

    So, all-in-all. Just listen and learn to ask questions about them as a whole. And they will feel comfortable in explaining what the real problem is.

  • Cat says:

    Love it Travis! Listening is key. If we want a problem fixed we will ask for help fixing the problem.

    I have two sons. I’ve come to the conclusion watching them that men are genetically wired to “fix” the problem…no matter what the problem.

    I raised my boys in a way that meant them not having to take on any problems I had as their own. I let them know early on that my problems were not their responsibility.

    Darn it though, the older they get the more that need to “fix” comes out in them.

    In a way it is charming because it tells me they will take care of the feelings and needs of a woman they love. In a way it is disheartening because I don’t want them believing, like the guy in the post that they are responsible for fixing anyone’s problems but their own. Unless of course they helped cause the problem!

  • Delainem says:

    I might get flack for this…but at the back of my mind, I couldn’t help but wonder if Chuck was even MORE obsessed about ‘fixing’ the problem because it was sexual. And I know that when it comes to sex, men want to do/be it all to a woman. But I think both men and women need to agree that that can’t happen unless a woman is open to it; she has to know her own body and want to know her own body. Otherwise, it’s a dead-end road really fast.

  • Dawn says:

    YES YES YES…very well said. I worry sometimes, if I’m attracted to a ‘type’…I worry that I will follow old patterns. I do realize, I am more aware of myself, my needs now…Much more so than when I was 20 (which is when I met my husband).

    Great article!!

  • asantesimon says:

    I am frends with a girl, just friends but she always wants to have sex with me. She always comes to my room and touches my body and sleeps on me but I am afraid to have sex with her so i have promised to marry her in future so that we can have sex, but she’s still forcing me. I need a solution!


  • Delaine says:

    Simon, though I don’t know the details of your relationship with this women, I must say that warning bells go off because it sounds like your position on sex is not being honored, even though you are prepared to marry her our of YOUR sense of honor.

    What are you most afraid of here? That if you tell her ‘no’ then she won’t want to marry you? If this women is to be your wife you need to know she’ll respect you, otherwise you’re setting yourself up for a power-imbalanced marriage. Be true to yourself, your morals and needs. If they’re truly that important to you, you will feel compromised, bullied and resentful in future. because of her actions.

    Sex should bring two people closer, not feel like a bargaining chip or a wedge that drives you apart. Evaluate what you truly need and believe in and make a firm decision that reflects who you are.

    Good luck,

  • Healing Internally says:

    Delaine writes:
    “I first suggested that perhaps her disinterest in oral sex stemmed from a really bad past experience… or maybe she’d even been sexualy abused. And as for her non-affection, perhaps that would change over time as they got to know each other better.”

    This was your advice to Chuck?

    It sounds as if you (a) failed to empathize with Chuck’s feelings of missing something important to him, (b) seemed to make excuses for his girlfriend’s lack of interest in oral sex and intimacy, and (c) worst of all told Chuck he should do nothing and instead just hope that somehow, magically, his girlfriend might get better over time.

    “It sounded to me like they needed to have a good talk.”

    Bzzt again! Chuck already tried having a good talk with his girlfriend, remember? You wrote that his girlfriend “closed the conversation and laughed”.

    I was thunderstruck when I read that: His girlfriend laughed when he tried to bring up his concerns.

    “But he quickly rejected my suggestions.”

    Of course he did. You’re basically telling Chuck to live without what he wants — oral sex and intimacy — in this relationship, and your suggestions almost certainly aren’t going to get it for him.

    Your subsequent message to him (after the alarm bells went off) that “You cannot fix her” was the right one, but unfortunately this advice came packaged in a way (about his repeating old patterns) that all but guaranteed he wouldn’t hear it.

    It would have been much better if you had bluntly advised Chuck in your first reply that he should decide whether he can live without oral sex and intimacy in this relationship, and that if he cannot, he should look elsewhere.

    Chuck: If you happen to be reading this, then please do listen to Delaine, because although her initial advice to you was useless, her underlying point is very much correct:

    Your girlfriend is not going to change unless she herself wants to. You cannot change your girlfriend by yourself. There is nothing you can do “fix her”. You cannot make her want to change. All of that have to come from within her, and, based on what you wrote, that doesn’t appear likely to happen anytime soon.

    Bottom line, Chuck: DTMFA (look it up), and go find a woman who already feels the way you do about oral sex, intimacy, and other non-negotiables.

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