This Divorced Mom Asks: “Do I Disqualify Men Too Quickly?”
According to my best friend Hali, I do. Disqualify men too quickly, that is. Over drinks this past weekend, I was telling her about my dating life, when she quickly inserted: “Ummm Delaine…what dating life?”
I laughed, rather taken aback. “What do you mean? You know I’m still on a couple of dating sites.”
“Yes. But when was the last time you actually MET someone from a site in person?”
“Well…” I thought back. WAY back. Finally, “I don’t know. Maybe eight months ago?” We laughed. Point taken.
My excuses rolled: “I’m just so busy Hali that I can’t be bothered to meet them unless I really think there’s something there. It’s easier for me to chat with them online or on the phone verses finding a babysitter and explaining to the kids why mommy’s going out.”
Hali was grinning. She wasn’t buying it: “I know you’re super busy. But you’re making excuses. You’ve become so accustomed to disqualifying men from the comfort of your office that you’re missing out. Chemistry should be gauged in person. AND, even if you don’t meet The One, you might find someone you enjoy doing stuff with. You need to have some fun. You need some balance.”
I sat there considering her points. In a way, she was right: quickly disqualifying men HAD become a habit. Had I become lazy? Cynical? Disinterested?
Finally, I sighed. “You know what it is Hali. I’m flippin exhausted. Every moment of my time is taken by work, kids and sometimes seeing my girlfriends. And it’s been this way for years because of Robert working out of town. Dating requires too much effort.”
I continued: “I’ve had the past two weekends off without kids, the most I’ve ever had. And do you know how I’ve spent most of it beside working? Sleeping.”
“I don’t even know how you’ve done it thus far,” said Hali sympathetically. “BUT- ” She leaned in. “You ALSO have this next weekend off, right?”
I nodded.
“Well now that you’ve caught up on your sleep, maybe it’s time to put this one to use. Make it all about dating. Schedule three a day!”
I laughed.
“Why not?” she grinned. “One for breakfast, one for lunch, and one for dinner!”
I laughed again. “We’ll see,” I said, only mildly interested. “We’ll see…”
7 comments
I don’t think it’s possible to disqualify men too quickly. It can’t feel a spark online than its a waste of time to meet in person.
I’ve been in a dating rut for the past few months too. No one online seeme to interest me whatsoever. Maybe I need to hide my profile or go off for awhile. But it’s not that I don’t want to meet someone. I just wante somone to grab my attention. Maybe my expectations are too high. This is afterall, a one dimensional screening process.
I think we have a tendancy to browse through the online profiles like we’re thumbing through a Victoria’s Secret catalog. Oooh, there’s a hot one, oh wait, here’s an even nicer one, but what about THIS one? I’ve heard it called “trading up”. We keep looking for something better, something bigger, something…perhaps less threatening and easier to manipulate? I’ve gotten so jaded about what I find attractive or acceptable, maybe I’m missing out on some nice girls because I set my standards SO high.
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Trust your instincts. Dating in your 30′s and up, especially with kids, you know what you want and what you don’t want. Do not waste your time or theirs if is not something special.