Cheating Spouse: Should You Get REVENGE?

Posted by Delaine - January 15, 2009 - Grief/ Anger, Infidelity, Surviving - 1 Comment


Keying his car doors.  Burning his clothes.  Emptying his bank account.  Posting photos/ love letters of his affair all over the internet.  Telling his boss and all his friends…


We’ve all heard the expression “Hell hath no fury like a woman’s scorn.”   Infidelity is one sure way to bring it on.  Betrayal hurts like hell.


I’ve been on the receiving end of infidelity twice in the past few years.  The first time, it was my husband who cheated.  I was up late, nursing my six-month-old baby, while my two-year old and three-year slept in the room next door, when SHE called.  Needless to say, my world crashed to the ground in slow motion, taking my breath with it.  For months afterwards, I walked around like the living dead, like a dagger was bludgeoned into my chest.


Then it happened again.  Not with my husband, but with another man, a man I thought so great and wise and magnificent, that I thought the universe was smiling on me for having survived my husband’s infidelity.  But no…. another attack was forthcoming:  not only was this man having an affair the entire time I dated him, he had a baby with her; I found out two weeks before their baby was due.


I’m telling you this because I know the excruciating pain of infidelity.  I know how it rips out your heart and soul and makes you question everything – life, your identity, love, honour, trust…everything.  In your excruciating pain, vengeful thoughts burn in your stomach.  In your imagination, it feels good to DO something.  NOW.  To lash out, to reciprocate the pain.  To give him what he deserves.  How DARE he have done this?  How DARE he?


But I didn’t seek revenge.  I didn’t ‘give them what they had coming,’ though many hours were devoted to these fantasies.  Why didn’t I?


Because at the core, I knew such actions went against who I am.  That my thoughts were the illusion of a quick fix.  That in the aftermath of my vengeful actions, I wouldn’t feel good about myself.  That their affairs were a statement about THEIR screwed-up, self-centered character – and I didn’t need to stoop to their playing level.


I’m over a year out the other side of this last betrayal.  And I am so very grateful for the choices I’ve made, how I held my head high and stayed true to my kind, compassionate, loving self, DESPITE what both of these men did.  And I want women to know that how they handle themselves in such time of crisis DOES matter further down the timeline – TO THEMSELVES.  I now derive an immense sense of pride and peace from knowing I remained a good person throughout this insanity – it says a lot about who I am.  As far as I’m concerned, you really find out what someone is made of when the going gets tough.  And these experiences proved to me that I’m pretty fantastic – far more valuable than what I ever gave myself credit for.