It happened while waiting for my son’s school performance to begin. I was sitting in a packed school auditorium amongst row after row of seemingly devoted parents.  

I watched couples sitting side-by-side, some not talking, some holding hands, and the odd mom or dad sitting solo.  Suddenly, the questions began floating through my mind:

Who, here, is truly happily married? 

How many people in this room have a great sex life, a lover on the side, or perhaps no sex at all? 

Who is carrying secrets, restless desires, and who will pretend to be happy in public, only to return home to a glass house?

Since I got divorced my eyeglasses have changed.  Perhaps to a greyer hue.  But I think I’m more realistic. Secrets and lies permeated my home for years prior to my divorce, and I wasn’t some exceptional case.  I’d wanted normal.  I’d wanted simple.  I’d believed and worked hard at the family dream.

We’ve all heard the expression, “You never know what goes on behind closed doors.”  So I sat in the school auditorium looking closely at people’s faces: 

Did he meet a lover earlier in the day? I wondered.  

Is she daydreaming of meeting her lover later on? 

Was his smile genuine, or a well-practiced ‘super husband/ dad’ smile? 

Will she deliberately delay going to bed tonight because the thought of his touch disgusts her? 

For I now know that secrets, lies, and hidden desires…are everywhere.  Even buried amongst row after row of seemingly devoted parents in an elementary school auditorium. 

Other Articles:

He Was Concerned About My ‘Mother Body’

Why Be Deliberately Mean During Divorce?

30 Years Ago, Would YOU Have Had the Courage to Divorce

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My head is off is left field this morning pondering women’s sexuality.  I know – a complicated topic.  But this is what I’m trying to figure out:

Does a woman’s sexuality ripple into other areas of her life?  Is her sexuality, in fact, a metaphor in motion for her behaviour and conduct in her work life, personal life, and social life?

Take the quality of meekness as an example.  If a woman is meek in bed, does that commonly show up in her personality elsewhere?  But more importantly – AND THIS IS KEY – if she allows herself, through sexual exploration, to become more assertive in bed, will that blossoming quality merge with and empower her in her outside-the-bedroom life?  Can a woman’s sexuality be a starting point for change and growth instead of the end-point?  (read more & add comments here)

Other Articles:

A Handsome ‘Good Man’ Helps Restore my Faith in Love

Ouch!  Guess He’s Not A Fan of my Blog!

Does Penis Size Matter?

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Not long ago, a girlfriend of mine had a conversation with her husband that went like this:

“So…did you have fun playing poker with the guys last night?”

“Yup.”

She sat there waiting…finally :  “So what do you guys talk about when you meet up?”

He looked at her like she was green.  “What do you mean?”

“Do you talk about work?  Sports?  Sex?  Do you complain about your wives?  What?”  (Read more and add comments here)

Related Articles:

Disempowering Marital Sex

Angered by his Flaccid Penis

Friends With Benefits: Myth, Rarity or Matter of Good Luck?

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Over a year ago, when my best friend Hali and I found ourselves newly separated and back out in the dating trenches, we kept hearing the term “Friends With Benefits.”   We both liked the sound of it and decided it was something we wanted.  After all, we weren’t ready for serious, but we wanted to have sex.  Thus a sexual ‘friendship’ verses a love relationship seemed the perfect alternative.

But to this day, such an arrangement has been elusive.  And Hali maintains that FwB is a ‘myth’.  This is what we’ve discovered:

1) one person can end up more emotionally invested in the relationship than the other and wants ‘more’

2) no matter how open minded people proclaim themselves to be, they have a hard time knowing that the other person is still actively dating and potentially having sex with someone else

4) the ‘rules of play’ are grey and ambiguous - is she supposed to wait until he calls her?  Or vice versa?  Or is it open-ended?  And at what time of day/night does it apply?  And how many times can he/she says “I’m busy”, (which is rejection) , before the other person feels disrespected and bows out?

5) the ‘friendship’ part is underdeveloped.  Can they watch movies together or go out for dinner too?  Or is it strictly sexual and only to transpire at one person’s house?  What are the boundaries for sharing other aspects of their lives: work, family, love/sex, interests, dreams etc.?

I’m not so sure I’d go so far as to say the FwB arrangement is a ‘myth’ like Hali does.  Cause I’ve heard men say they’ve had it.   I guess I should have asked them more questions about it - dug a bit deeper and found out what it really looked and felt like.   Cause maybe a level of communication is required in order for it to be fulfilling.  Or there again, maybe a level of DETACHMENT predominates the arrangement, and the word “friend’ needs new definition.

Other Articles:

I’m no “MILF”. You’re the “SMILF”.  Goodbye Husband, Hellooo G-spot!  One-Night Stands: Qualifiers & Disqualifiers

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In my previous blog, I wrote about how I’d been chatting with a man who unexpectedly told me he has herpes.  I was trying to decide if I should even bother to meet him in person…

Early Friday evening arrived.  (I was suppose to meet him later)  All dressed up and feeling fabulous, I went, as planned, over to my girlfriend’s house for a vision board party with some of my great girlfriends.  And as the wine flowed and we dove into chocolate cupcakes, my best friend Hali asked me:  “SO…are you going to meet him later?” 

I smiled and shook my head.  “No,”  I replied.  “I figure it’s just not worth the risk.  Especially given where my head is at these days… If I were ready for serious I’d probably consider it.  But I just want great sex and freedom; not complications.”

I shifted in my bar stool and shook my head.  “I’m stll irritated though.  I finally meet a guy that I’m kind of into, AND he’s a Dom, but he damn well has herpes!  Am I going to have to wait ANOTHER year before I get to explore this Dominant/submissive stuff or what?  It’s frustrating!  Good looking Doms don’t come along every day.”

She replied matter-of-factly:  “You will meet another Dom Delaine - one who doesn’t have herpes.  I think the universe is just testing you.”

“Testing me?”  I replied whimsically.  “Or teasing me?”

“NO, you were being tested.  This scenario is no different from the kinds of tests you faced last year when you were running around with your heart on your sleeve desperately trying to find love.”

“What?”  I asked confused.  This made no sense to me.  Sure, when I first got divorced my attitude towards dating and sex was way different than it is now.  Sure I was frantically trying to fill up the whole in my heart and looking for ‘any’ man to give me a sense of self-worth.  But those days were long past; that insecure Delaine had grown a backbone.

Hali continued:  “Don’t you see?  It has everything to do with settling for less than you deserve.  A year ago you would have easily lost your Self in another relationship had you been given the chance because that was your habit - you did it all throughout your marriage and would have done the same again. If you’d decided to date this man with herpes and put you health at risk, you’d have been settling for less again. ”  She put her wine glass down at looked me in the eyes:  “At the core, this situation is no different:  it’s about believing you deserve the best and not settling for less.  You were being tested.”

I sat there moth agape.  Slowly,I began nodding my head; she was right. 

 Hali continued:  “The universe continues to test us Delaine.  No matter how far we think we’ve come, there are deep issues that we confront over and over and over again to make sure we REALLY got it.”  She smiled.  “And you ‘got’ this one; you passed the test.  Congratulations.”

I then spent the next six hours having the time of my life, chatting and laughing with my girlfriends.  “Yeah,”  I thought as looked around the room of my friends.  “He was a test.  And I did pass.  And this time tonight with my girlfriends was what I really needed, NOT a date with him.”

Little did I know that at 12:30 a.m. when I finally arrived home, the universe was going to ‘reward me’ for my choice.  But that’ll be my next blog:)

Other Articles:  Psych Yourself Up & Go Out Anyways!,  Why Women Get Divorced!  (video),  Survival Mode: Existing Post-Infidelity & Divorce

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Two years into Sam’s seven-year marriage, she started hating having sex with her now-ex-husband. Sex became something she ‘got over with’ to keep the peace and keep him happy. And he wanted it a lot - every day, if not twice, even though she was oftentimes pregnant, nursing, or up at night with babies/toddlers.

On the flip side, while she was being emotionally bullied/guilted into having sex, another close girlfriend, Tara was being sexually REJECTED by her husband time and time again.

For years, I heard them talk and make excuses/placations for their husbands’ behaviours. They resolutely hung onto their marriages, telling themselves they were happy, that this ‘phase’ would pass, that there were more important things in a marriage than sex, etc etc. They marvelled at how different their situations were - they were at opposite ends of the spectrum: Sam wanted ‘way less,’ Tara wanted ‘way more.’ But one huge commonality existed between them:   both being disempowered by their sex lives.

By Sam handing over her body to her then-husband like it was a plate of chicken, she was handing over her personal power. By not refusing to say ‘no’ when she didn’t want sex, she was squashing her voice, teaching herself her voice was less important than his, AND she was detaching  from her body, which is an extension of her Spiritual Self.

By Tara being sexually backhanded by her ex - whether it was after a wonderful evening out, after a night of cuddling on the couch, or during a seduction scene she had carefully dressed for, she, too, had handed over personal power. His ongoing rejection translated into, “You’re not desirable - as a woman or a person.”

Now my girlfriends are both divorcing. And clearly, they’ve realized they have healing to do around their sexuality. Thus, they have given themselves permission to explore themselves, their identities, AND their bodies: through sexuality, sensuality and even ‘promiscuity.’  They’re attempting to do this from a higher place, that is, from the perspective that each sexual experience they carefully choose can teach them something about themselves, life, and/or men. They examine how their sexuality ripples into other aspects of their lives. For example, their ability or non-ability to vocalize what they want, and how they deal with selfish/bad lovers. They are exploring new physical pleasures/fantasies, and ‘owning’ their orgasms and pleasure instead of making them strictly contingent upon one man’s love or one man’s sexual prowess. Truly, their sexual Selves seem like a metaphor for the rest of their lives.

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The topic of men’s penis size was brought to my attention YET AGAIN this morning in an article on Fox.com: a new study revealed that French men need the largest condoms in Europe while Greeks get by on the small ones. This study by a German consultancy asked 10,500 men in 25 countries to measure and report their penis. 

Hmmmm. I don’t think I’ll look at Frenchmen the same again. *grin.

After being married to the same man for so many years, I was surprised when I started dating/having sex after divorce as to the size difference in men. Particularly when my first lover, who was 6ft 4 and 240 lbs,  had a penis the length of my thumb.

Since then, I’ve had a few other lovers. And what did they have in common? Why almost all of them had very small penises! My girlfriends found it hilarious, and, amidst giggles, told me I needed to cut out a picture of a big penis and put it on my Vision Board.

Now I know a man can’t control his length or girth, just as women can’t decide their breast size. But for the first time in my life, I found myself examining and judging a man’s tackle; I hadn’t realized they varied  so much.  Prior to being married, I was so preoccupied with the emotional side of sex and making them like me, I never gave pause to second-guess or admire their equipment.  Nor had I ever entertained the idea of having a ‘preference.’

Oh women are such polite creatures - I know some of you are probably frowning, thinking how DARE I come out and state such things.  Especially since I’m a divorced mom.

But I honestly can’t say I’ve ever, while getting naked with a man for the first time, stood there hoping, “PLEASE have a small penis. Oh, PLEASE have a small penis.”

I used to say penis size didn’t matter.  But I also didn’t have a real basis for comparison  - my sexual experiences were too limited; my emotional entanglement and my own insecurities were too great.

But my sexuality is evolving - in part because I’ve given myself permission to explore my sexuality at this stage post-divorce and to learn about myself through each well-thought-out experience. And in my books, ANY kind of ‘evolution’ requires time AND experience.

And so, with my reputation at risk, but my Self intact, I climb to the top of the mountain and scream to World Wide Web: I LOVE AN AVERAGE TO LARGER, THICKER PENIS! And in case there are any French men having a read: J’aime un pénis plus grand, plus épais!

(’Fly’ photo by Stephan Wagner)

Other related articles:   I’m no “MILF.” You’re the “SMILF!”   Should I Pursue Casual Sex More Regularly? , One Night Stands: Qualifiers & Disqualifiers

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