This divorced single mom was lucky enough to escape it for this long…but yeah - the recession has hit my family.  And man…it sucks.

The hardest part is having to say no to the kids.  Not that I ever cater to their every demand.  But they don’t understand what a recession is, despite my efforts to explain it.   I don’t want to scare them, and yet they have to understand that things must change indefinitely in the house.

Nonetheless, it’s a great reminder to be grateful for my blessings.  And I’ve been using it as a tool to teach gratitude to my kids.  Last night, we held a ’sharing circle’ where we all took turns talking about what we’re grateful for.  The depth of children’s contributions both shocked and warmed my soul.  I am truly rich in the most important of ways.

You know what else I find kinda weird?  This faith I have that everything is going to be just fine.  Maybe it’s because when I look over my shoulder, I see what I’ve already overcome these past couple of years through infidelity and divorce hell.  And truly, if I can make it through that, I can make it through anything! I’m a lot stronger than I ever gave myself credit for.

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To many parents, married or single, Spring Break can send a jolt of  anxiety through them.  Cause for many of us, it doesn’t involve a one-week trip to Jamaica; it involves extra planning and work while we simultaneously tend to our full-time jobs.  

Myself being ever-the-organizer, I’ve always started planing well in advance for this holiday in past - play dates, mini-trips, special outings - whatever it would take eliminate the dreaded ’I'm bored’ whine and keep choas from running rampant.

Well, Spring Break is now over for my kids - two of my three kids went back to school this morning.  And I can’t help but notice how it FLEW by this year, with minimal planning, minimal whining, and maximum fun.  What was the difference this year?  My ex took the kids for five days.  This was the first time EVER - all my married life included - that I didn’t have my three young kids solo.

I can not express enough how recharging it was for me to have five days off to myself.  I still spent most of it working.  But just knowing I could do whatever I wanted, whever I wanted, was  absolutely intoxicating.  Oh, you know I love my kids more than anything in this world.  But as any full-time mom will say, me-time is always the last thing on the list and often not tended to.  Consequently I end up feeling stressed out and burnt out more often than I care to admit.

But what five days off also meant was that the mom my kids returned to was totally fired up and ready to maximize the time we had together.  And like I said, those five days FLEW by.  It’s not that we did anything extraordinary together like go to Disneyland - but it translated into me being more patient and present with my kids whether we were out and about or simply hanging around at home.  In fact, the memory that stands out most to me was yesterday when I had a bunch of kids playing at my house.  Everyone decided to ‘love mommy and show her how much they appreciate her cause she does so much for us.’ (And no - it wasn’t my idea!)  I was then ordered to lie down as one child proceeded to brush my hair, and two others scrubbed my feet and massaged them.  Another brought me snacks and fed me, while another cracked my back.  But the ‘mommy-love’ didn’t end there - they then eagerly did a myriad of chores around the house with big smiles on their faces and their little chests puffed out with pride… 

And in my mind, that memory will be emblazoned as sweetly as any future trips to Disneyland.

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Divorce can easily feel like a drawn-out death.  And like an actual death, one must not only go through the grief cycle  (bargaining, denial, anger, depression, acceptance) - one must ALSO begin to rebuild. 

So today, due to the number of letters I’ve received from people looking for resources, I’m spotlighting two Golden Tools I found most effective on my divorce journey.  And let me add - I STILL use both of these resources regularly.

The first is a self-help book called Something More.  Authored by Sarah Ban Breathnach, who also wrote Simple Abundance, this latest book will help you dig through the ruins of your life (and heart) to excavate your Authentic Self.  I had so many ‘aha’ moments reading this book; I truly can not recommend it highly enough.  It’s smart, at times autobiographical, and it also weaves together stories and quotes from women across history who all intuitively knew they somehow weren’t ’truly’ happy.  A #1 New York Times Bestseller, Something More is now available in soft cover for $13 US or $17 Can.

The second resource I use is The Secret.  And though it’s available in both book form and as a documentary, I found the latter WAY more powerful.  No, this film isn’t specifically about divorce - but it’s about creating the life that you want using the Law of Attraction.  And let’s face it - after divorce, we ALL need a new compass.  I’ve watched it about 10 times.

Below you’ll find the first 20 minutes of The Secret.  If you wish to view the entire feature-length film, you can either rent it at your local video store, or watch it online at the official site: www.thesecret.tv. I can not urge you strongly enough: watch it today!

The movie, The Secret  (for full-screen viewing, press bottom key, second to the right)

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I was at home working yesterday with my phone rang - my husband’s number popped up.  Thinking it was my children, I quickly answered.

Instead it was my ex.  I braced to hear him tear into me about something.  Instead I heard, “We’ve had a bit of an accident.  We’re on our way to get stitches.”

“Who’s hurt?”  I asked heart racing.

“Janet.”  (my four-year-old daughter)  “She cut open her chin pretty bad, maybe three quarters of an inch wide.  It looks deep.  So I’m taking her to get stitches so she has less chance of scarring.”  He then went on to explain that had just arrived at an outdoor skating rink and Janet had no sooner stepped on the ice, that she did an immediate face-plant. The cut was UNDER her chin, thank God.   ”I didn’t see it happen,” my ex continued.  “I was putting on my skates.”

I asked to speak to my daughter who was in the backseat of the truck with her older brother.  “Guess what mom?”  she answered happily.  “I’m eating chips!  And having coke.  And daddy says after I see the doctor I can have a sucker!”

I grinned: She’s my candy monster.  I spoke to her for awhile, and my heart resumed its normal pace: the accident could have been much worse.

This incident showed me how important it is for divorcing couples to have a plan in case of emergencies; something my ex and I had never discussed.  Luckily, I had been home to provide him with her Health Number to see a doctor.  But that’s something that both parties should have on hand.  Both should also know where the closest clinics are, including after-hour clinics like the one my family had needed to visit last night.

Obviously, I’m more than relieved that our daughter is doing fine.  But I must admit, a part of me is glad this incident happened when she was with my ex - cause he had to learn first-hand how to cope in an emergency situation, like I’ve done countless times solo.  He had to leave his house full of guests to spend four hours waiting to see a doctor. He had to feel the fear, swallow her tears, make decisions, and step into a different area of fatherhood.

And maybe, just maybe, a part of him now realizes that parenting isn’t the easiest job in the world like he’s always said.

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I was at a public swimming pool with my three kids, playing in the toddler section.  A great big bucket of water above us was almost full and teetering to tip.  My kids squealed and we all huddled in, arms entwined, heads down…till finally, the much-anticipated water crashed over our heads and backs.

Laughing, I scooted back on my bum and pushed my long drenched hair out of my face.   

And that’s when I met his eyes.

He was sitting about ten feet away on a shelf in deeper water, arms outstretched to his sides. Dark hair, muscular chest, maybe 40.   And he was staring.  Not looking, not laughing, but staring.

Our gaze broke when my four-year-old suddenly jumped on top of me.  I continued playing with her and laughing…and I could feel his eyes on me.  I looked over at him again - and yes, he wasn’t looking, he was staring. 

“Mom, can you get me a life-jacket so we can play in the deep water?”  My six year old asked.

I looked over at the life-jackets strung on hooks poolside.  Figures I wore my bikini today.    “Of course honey,” I replied, standing up in the shallow water.  I felt naked as I pulled myself out of the water.

Two minutes later, in another section of the pool, he suddenly appeared about five feet away from me.  Jesus, he’s following me!  Pretty brazen!  This time, when our eyes met, he smiled.  Holy shit he’s cute!  I smiled back and my stomach fluttered.  Then, How bad is this to be ‘picking up’ when I’m out for a family swim!!!  Off I went on flipper boards with my kids, thinking Yeah, I’m open to talking to this guy…

Over the next ten minutes, I found myself looking around to see where he was …and he was always close by and looking/smiling at me.  I also saw him playing with a little boy, maybe three-years-old.  Must be a divorced dad with weekend visitation, I thought.  I love watching men play with kids….

Then, a woman appeared. 

She stood at the side of the pool talking to him.  He handed her his son and pulled himself out of the water.  I watched them interact…how his demeanor changed, how he focused on her. 

 Shocked, I thought:   Holy f***.  This guy is married!

I shook my head in disgust and continued playing with my kids.  Still, I remained a bit bewildered; this guy had been sending me the vibe BIG TIME; unmistakably. And his wife had been in the same room the whole time!

I then thought back to when I married and all the times we’d gone public swimming with our children.  And I wondered how many women my ex had brazenly stared at when my back was  turned; you know - back when I thought we were sharing wonderful “family time.”

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I feel like I’m going crazy; pushed and pulled in a hundred different directions.  I should have known today would be one of ’those days’ when at 6:30 a.m., the scream of one my boys getting hurt while wrestling launched me out of bed.

Work deadlines loom, my nanny called in sick, my kids’ schedule today is more demanding than most, kripes -  I have no groceries or plans for my preschool daughter, my Outlook Express is on the blitz, and somehow I have to manage, troubeshoot, and do it all alone with these two hands and a smile on my face.  

On days like this I wonder how I’m going to survive being a single parent and working mom.  I seriously wonder if I’ll be able to nurture my children into adulthood feeling loved, let alone help them reach their souls’ potential.  I wonder how I’m ever going to pay the non-stop bills around here, let alone ever achieve my dreams.  The mechanics of living and surviving are enough to fill my hours…

On any given regular school day, I feel like I’m barely keeping my balance.  Cause you see, my kids go to school right beside my house and I work from home.  I don’t pack them off for 8 hours a day and see them at 4 when the bus pulls up - no, they’re out the door 30 seconds before the bell rings, home at lunch (with friends), and home at 3:35 sharp.  And the expectations I have of myself to be a part of their every day, to give them ‘more,’ to help buffer the divorce, to make them feel like mom is still a stay-at-home mom who’s there for them 100% of the time, are greater than ever.

I know that my thoughts and feelings are setting up my day AND my life.  I believe in “The Secret”, that like energy attracts like energy,  and that I’m a radar attracting people, situations and events into my life depending on my state of being.  I also know I can choose to shift my thinking and become happier, more positive at any given moment so that I can change the course of this day…

But I’m overwhelmed.  I feel like crying.  And I find myself hating my ex just cause I want to blame someone for this, even if just for a minute, so I can feel sorry for myself.  And that self-pitying mindset just brings me down more cause I’m bigger than that.

I need to stop writing so I can tend to my List.

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Goddarnit the excuses roll in sometimes when it’s time to go out.  I mean OUT out - like dancing, having fun, having a few drinks.  “I’m so tired,” is usually my number one bail-out; single parenting and working full-time leave me spent.  Feeling “fat and ugly” is usually excuse number two.  “It’s too much effort to get ready,” is usually somewhere in the mix too.

But I’ve come to realize that ALL of these excuses are reasons why I SHOULD go out.  “Me-time” comes far and few between, as do the occasions when my girlfriends get together.  And whenever I force myself to go out, I end up having fun and feeling grateful for my decision later on. 

So here’s what I do to psych myself up.  I watch and listen to this song on my computer with the speakers cranked,  then immediately go jump in the shower.  The combo of the two set the ball in motion and next thing you know, I’m feeling fabulous and on my way out the door.

Have a listen.  Get psyched.  And goddarnit girl - go have some FUN!  That’s MY plan for tonight!

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I’m not sure why the memories came at me tonight. Perhaps it was the fresh fallen snow and smell in the air that triggered them; Xmas is coming after all. Perhaps it was because my ex moved last weekend to a small town outside Calgary; I know he will now spend even less time with the kids. Or maybe, just maybe, it was because I was tired from yet another weekend alone with my kids.

My ex worked out of town for all our marriage. He was absent about 70 - 80% of the year. Because of this, I gave up my just-taking-off career to be a stay-at-home mom to our three kids. And that is still my fulltime job, though I ALSO work fulltime as a writer.

Tonight on my porch, I looked around at my kids’ toboggans and boot prints covering my front lawn; and I smiled. My front lawn has looked like this for many winters. I drifted away in the memories - pulling all three of them in one toboggan, the times they peed in their snowsuits, their pink, rosy cheeks, the triumph each child exuded when he/she made it down the hill standing up on a board.

BUT…

I couldn’t remember ONE memory of my ex out there with us.

C’mon, I told myself, there MUST be a memory in there somewhere - dig deeper. But no - those were in the spring and fall. And no, those times he was putting them in the car (and he was scowling). Try as I did, my mind only remembered visions of me and kids.

I gave up trying and returned to the now. My brain was too tired to excavate. And in the big picture, I knew my efforts were pointless; what’s past is past. And now we’re divorced.

This will be my second winter as a divorced woman. And I’m still kind of scared and still kind of overwhelmed by the changes that have swept through my life. But I know one thing will remain the same this year as it always has: the feeling of being a single parent.

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