Smart.  Knowledgeable.  A ‘no bullshit’ kind of woman.  This is the kind of girlfriend/ e-friend I think every divorcing woman needs to have in her corner during her divorce.

I’m not saying it’s the only kind of friend we need.  There are those whose shoulders we cry on, those who provide spiritual insight, those who make us laugh, and so on.  

But divorce oftentimes requires us to be stronger and smarter than we think we are.  Some matters even require us to be tough.  And depending on where you’re coming from, in terms of both your marriage AND your life experiences, your tendency (and character) may be to put everyone else’s needs before your own, let fear and worry keep you stuck, and let good intentions and lots of prayers alone decide your destiny.  THAT’S where the support of a smart, knowledgeable, no-bullshit girlfriend comes in. (read more here)

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Recently I wrote an article about how the phrase ,”I need a man who challenges me’, carried some negative imagery and feelings around it for me.  It reminded me of my younger-day yearnings for Bad Boys (who did me no good) and - as a few girlfriends pointed out -  it had a tone of unsettledness and ‘relationship management’ around it.

Soon after writing it, I had a conversation on the subject with my handsome Good Man, the young widower that I’ve become close e-friends with, who has also restored my faith in men.   And his response to my ponderings were :  “You don’t want a man who challenges you, Delaine.  You want a man who will EARN you.”  (Read more here)

Other Articles:

 I’m no “MILF.” You’re the “SMILF!”   Should I Pursue Casual Sex More Regularly? , One Night Stands: Qualifiers & Disqualifiers

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A divorcing girlfriend was updating me on her dating life over the phone.  She’d just flown back from spending a fun-filled weekend with a new man she’d met online.  “I don’t think he’s Mr Right, but he does have some wonderful qualities.” she said.  “And man - was he ever something in bed!  Really aggressive.  And wow, was it hot! ”

She then brought me up to speed with her on-again off-again friend/lover in her hometown.  “I really do care about him,” she said.  “We are such good friends.  We inevitably end up in bed again though cause in the moment, it feels right.”

But her trail of current lovers didn’t end there.  And she was grappling with it.  “Remember my close friend Ted?” She asked.  “We finally crossed the friendship line and slept together a week ago.  And Alex – the cute younger guy I’ve been talking to at the gym?  We went out for drinks a few nights ago…. and we had sex too!”

She continued:  “So now I’m sitting here wondering, Jesus Tara, what are you doing! I’ve NEVER had sex with multiple men before!”

As we discussed her situation, a few important points were clear:

a)      all her men knew she was seeing other men

b)      she had some kind of friendship in place with each one

c)      she was having safe sex with all of them

d)     at this point, did she want exclusively with any of them

“What’s the problem then, Tara?” I asked. 

“I don’t know,” she laughed.  “I feel like I should feel like a slut or something.”

“Do you?”

“No.  I’m actually fine with it!”

We discussed her feelings further.  More points became clear:

a)      she wasn’t having sex from a place of low self-worth

b)      she saw and appreciated different qualities in each of them

c)      she felt sexually satisfied

d)     she felt happy and wasn’t dwelling on any particular man

e)      she knew it would be short-lived; maintaining that many men would require too much time and energy

The more we dug, the more we realized that her ‘guilty’ feelings came from old-school beliefs of what we though Good Girls were supposed to do.  That training ran deep, but it was time to flush them away.  She’s a beautiful, smart, passionate, sexy, 40-year-old mom/girlfriend/and woman.  And really – how lucky is she to enjoy a dating life at this point in her life on her terms?  I say enjoy it while you can!

Other Articles:

Voicemail Disaster: Do NOT Act Like Dimitri The Stud

You are NOT Your Story

Does Penis Size Matter?

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What woman hasn’t found herself in this scenario? 

You’re at a bar, chatting with a girlfriend, when all of a sudden, the bartender or waitress suddenly puts an unordered drink in front of you.  “It’s from that man over there,” she says, pointing across the room.  You look over, only to see a man you aren’t attracted to, smiling over at you.  You smile, maybe wave, and mouth thanks.  That’s the least you can do, right?   Two minutes later, when he garners the courage to approach you, you feel obliged to talk to him; after all, that was kind of him to buy you a drink. To turn it down would be rude; a slap in his face, not to mention a waste of his money and a drink.  (read more here)

Other Articles

Is A Spark Essential?

Secrets, Lies & Hidden Desires Are Everywhere

The Internet: A Quick Way To Cheat On Your Spouse

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So I’m becoming less judgmental and more open to men. That’s a broad statement, I know. But ever since I watched the movie, The Ugly Truth, and saw how underneath Gerard’s Butler piggish character was a wounded man with a big heart, the more sympathetic AND curious I’ve become about what makes men the way they are.

Now let me make this clear: under no circumstances do I think men acting like pigs and jerks towards women is inexcusable. Men are ultimately responsible for their own behaviour and choices no matter what, as are women. That being said, women slicing all men to pieces and making huge stereotypes is not the way to go either. For that unfairly lumps Good Men in with the Jerks AND doesn’t permit us to see through the ‘facade’ of Jerks. The main objective here is to respectfully ‘get along’, isn’t it?

Recently, I’ve begun asking men why THEY think men act like pigs and players towards women. I may just be skimming the surface, so please enlighten me if need be; but here’s what I’ve gotten back:

1) Their behaviour is usually a coping/self-defence mechanism. They’ve been hurt badly by a woman (or more) and instead of processing that hurt in a healthy way, they choose to treat women like ‘sexual objects.’

Now, a part of me immediately rolls my eyes when I hear that. I think, “Oh, get over it,” and “And you don’t think us women have been hurt too??? C’mon!” But this leads to point #2.

2) Men’s ability to ‘process’ and express their feelings is largely hindered by society’s definition of what it means to be a man. Growing up, men are STILL learning to shove their feelings inside. This is further exacerbated by the relationships many men have with their fathers – the old school take on what it means to be a man is still being passed on.

Again, a part of me is still rolling my eyes when I hear that. I think, “Well us women face immense social and family challenges around who we’re suppose to be too, so why should I have sympathy for you? “ But again, I’m trying to open a door of understanding here – this isn’t a competition to see who has it worse. I’m just trying to understand…

3) Men are confused as all hell about what women want and even NEED from them. In many ways, women seem to be doing it all. Men don’t know where their place is. It’s not that men want to STOP women from their progress in so much as they don’t know where their role begins and ends as a result. When it comes right down to it, men want to feel like men, but they don’t know what that means anymore. Similarly, they want to make women feel like women and they don’t know what that means either.

To this, I respond that I understand the ‘confusion.’ I’m confused too about what I feel my roles as a woman are. I feel intense pressure to do it all. And I will surmise that this situation is confusing and scary on the male side too.

A part of me thinks we’re going through a mass social upheaval –all hell is breaking loose so that eventually we all earn to value one another individually verses based on gender, skin color, religion, or what have you. Maybe, collectively, some massive message is to eventually be written for us all to understand…

But in the meantime, as the boundaries continue to break down, I think it’s important we’re aware of when we’re erecting new walls that hurt and judge and degrade people of the opposite sex. I know that on some levels, I’ve been guilty of this too; I’ve punished men for the crimes of other men.

But underneath it all, I really do love you men. There are many things about you that I admire and want and even need from you. Otherwise, well… I wouldn’t be out there dating, would I?

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I’m sitting here wearing my SuperGirl jammies, with freshly painted toenails and a white skin mask on. Yes, I’m having an evening of self-pampering.  But tonight feels different than other ‘grooming’  nights - it’s the kick-off to my 10-day ‘vacation’ without my three kids.

This is the first time since I had kids, eight years ago, that I’ve had this much time off to myself.  And I’m not sure what to do with myself!

Since getting divorced, I’ve grown accustomed to my ex taking the kids  maybe once/twice a month, and normally they’re back within 24 - 48 hours.  That time off gets eaten up quickly - catching up on sleep, scheduling some much-needed ‘girlfriend time,’ working like a madwoman, then POOF!  I’m right back on full-time mommy duty.

But now - and for the next ten days, I not only have time to ‘catch up’ on my life, I can completely, fully decompress.  And RECHARGE.

A part of me is still in denial this is happening: my brain keepings throwing a list of things at me that I need to do PRONTO.  But then, then I remember - I’m alone for the next 10 days.  NOTHING is an emergency right NOW.

Already I’m doing a few things differently - for no other reason than because I CAN.  For example:

• I haven’t turned on the stove
• I’ve ignored the laundry hamper (I usually do one load every day)
• I took two showers and walked around naked in the middle of the day
• I blasted ABBA on youtube and danced in my office at 2 a.m.

And with that, I’ll bid you adieu - I’m going to go enjoy a good book!

Other Articles:

Getting Real: If You’re Secretly Talking To Someone Are You Cheating On Your Spouse?

Relationship Patterns: I Don’t Want to Be A Man’s Psychologist

Dating An Out-Of-Town Man - Is It Worth It?

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I introduced him to my children.  Not as my partner.  Not as a close friend.  But as a ‘friend of a friend’ who needed a place to stay as he passed through town.

This was a big step for me.  I’ve never done this before – never even considered it in the two years I’ve been divorced.

Everyone says you shouldn’t introduce a partner into your children’s lives unless you know it’s serious.  Kids get attached and the last thing they need is another goodbye.

But after numerous discussions with girlfriends and family, I decided to go ahead and try this.  The bottom line is that because this man lives out of town and my ex so rarely sees the kids, I’ll never get to know him if I only see him once a month…  And I do like him.

So how did it go?  What was it like spending time with a man and my kids?

I must be honest.  It was wonderful.  So much so, it surprised me.  My kids adored him.  They were all over him, giggling, talking, even trying to give him a wedgie.

We played baseball.  We played soccer.  We all cuddled on the couch and watched the movie, Sinbad.  He tucked them in bed with me (my kids asked for him).  He sat at the breakfast table with us, telling them how he normally eats Captain Crunch…and of course that was followed by “Moooooom!  How come WE don’t eat Captain Curnch?”

And my kids laughed.  And they giggled.  And they hugged him.  And they followed him around.

And me?  

I smiled.  I felt it in my chest.  It felt good  - sharing our weekend, sharing each other, pretending to be family.  There was a ‘man in the house.’  No denying it.

I’m not going to do this again until I know I’m serious about this man.  For even though he only visited for 24 hours, my kids cried when he left.  They’re still talking about him, asking about him.  I minimize him to my kids – he was “just a friend of a friend who needed a place to crash.”  But the imprint he left on all us that weekend was undeniable.

I’d forgotten how wonderful it is to share the joy of children with a man.  I’d forgotten how precious ‘family time’ is when there is a male presence.  In a way, while he was here, I felt a bit ‘frantic.’  Unsure of what to do.  He doesn’t have kids, let alone three young ones.  Were they bugging him?  Turning him off?  Was he overwhelmed? 

I’m used to defining our family as me and the three kids.  No other adult around every day.  Our family is Mom and the three kids. 

Throw a man into the mix and there is a new energy.  An energy that felt like ‘coming home.’  And now, when I play soccer or baseball with my kids, I feel a bit at a loss – like a male energy is missing from the team.

I just don’t know if this wonderful man is the missing player.

Other Articles:

Is It Wrong To Slam Deadbeat Dads on TV?

If you and a close friend had sex with the same man, would it weird you out?

She’s Only Staying Married for the Kids

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I’ve always wanted to lie in bed beside the man I love and discuss a good book.  To me, the mere idea of it feels romantic.  Intimate.   Even exciting.

No man I’ve cared for thus far, including my ex-husband, was into reading books.  Sure, they’d pour over a newspaper or the odd dirt bike or hunting magazine.  But when it came down to reading an actual book – fiction or a non-fiction – it was shrugged off as ‘uninteresting’ or ‘unmanly.’  (Read more here)

Other Articles:

She’s Only Staying Married For the Kids

Have YOU Ever Had Cyber-Sex?

Friends With Benefits: One Step Closer

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A friend of mine recently asked me this question, and I’m curious as to what you think: If you talk to a prospective date a lot by phone or IM, can it spoil the in-person meeting?

My personal opinion?  Yes, it can. 

Now don’t get me wrong - I always pre-screen a man once or twice by phone or through Instant Messenger before meeting in person;… (Read more here)

Other Articles:

One-Night Stands: Qualifiers & Disqualfiers

Why’s A Hot Babe Like You Still On Here?

Beware the Loose, Wrinkly, Unsymmetrical Vagina!

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A male friend and I were recently discussing the matter of penis-size after he’d read my size-related blog on here.

I explained that I didn’t write that blog to insult men with small penises – rather, I just wanted to have some fun with my explorations in singlehood.   I think it’s OK for women to have preferences and state them out loud – just as men having doing towards women in good (and mean) jest for ages. 

Of course, I would NEVER insult a man to his face if he were small.  Moreover, I’m sure there’s a woman out there who would be his perfect fit; there’s someone for everyone.

He then said something that surprised me. “I don’t think men with small penises worry as much about WOMEN criticising them. They worry about MEN making fun of them.”

Huh?  “What do you mean?” I asked.

“You women are very polite creatures and would spare his feelings and like and care for him for his other attributes. In the men’s locker room, however, guys aren’t so polite and are more apt to say something nasty; something totally demeaning that would mark him for life.”

I’d never thought of that before.

Maybe men are as mean towards each other, as they are towards women.

Other Articles:

Mmmmm…This makes me Shiver, One Night Stands: Qualifiers & Disqualifiers, Self Loathing & The Cheater

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