As my divorced girlfriend Amy told me about a recent first date she went on, she was practically squealing.  For not only was her date smart, funny and gentlemanly, she was very sexually attracted to him.  “I kept having to tell myself to stop staring at his lips,” she laughed.  “My mind kept flashing with scenes of us getting naked!”  So at the end of their evening, when he dropped her off at her house, Amy said she literally “jumped out of the car” as soon as he parked.   “I just knew that if he so much as kissed me, I’d end up in bed with him that night.”

Now let me clarify something here:  Amy doesn’t have issue with men and women having non-love sex right out of the starting gates.  In fact, since divorcing, she’s taken numerous lovers to bed and enjoyed them for whatever lifespan they held.   But at this point post-divorce, Amy is finally opening to the idea of having a serious relationship.  And if a woman wants ’serious’, there are rules to adhere to, aren’t there?  Here are a few I’ve heard buzzing around:

1) wait at least three/four dates before having sex

2) do different ‘activities’ together on your dates so you can assess compatibility, and

3) focus on being ‘friends’ so you can really get to know one another. 

These rules certainly appear simple and tidy in print…but in live-time, when one is across from a potential mate who seems scrum-diddly-umptious from head to toe, it can be very challenging  to follow The Code (espeically rule #1) and keep hormones in check (and YES guys -  women can feel this way too!). 

So what ’should’ we do?  Who reigns supreme, the head, heart or body, and which of the three promises greater chances of relationship success?

To me, any decision we make is a gamble - we’re potentially damned if we DO sleep with him AND potentially damned if we don’t. (read more here)

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So I broke up with someone last week – a single dad of two.   He’s the first man I’ve gone out with since divorcing that I contemplated getting serious with whatsoever.  But even though we got along brilliantly, even though he said he was crazy about me, one main thing deterred his interest: the fact that I have three kids.  And I admit, it slapped me in the face and kind of hurt.  Not because my feelings were that deep for him – but because this scenario has always been one of my greatest fears…how about you?

When he first expressed his feelings to me (via email),  I admit I was mad and wanted to scream, “You’re a F***’ing coward!”  I mean, jeez, he’s a parent too, and he’d rambled on about how he’s learned to take risks and grab life by the horns since divorcing.  Guess I found myself another ‘talker’, not ‘walker’….

But I didn’t lash out.  Instead, I deleted his phone numbers and email address as gestures of “screw you.”   And those rituals made me feel somewhat better - gone, done, whatever; the past few years have well-trained me for sudden endings…

Over the next few days, my anger turned to forlornness as my mind drifted to my closest girlfriends, both whom are divorced moms and are now in serious relationships.  For there are BIG differences between their situations and mine: first, they only have two kids, not three (doesn’t each child you have up the ‘intimidation factor’?).  Two, their ex-husbands take their children often and on a regular schedule.  Mine doesn’t.  Bottom line is I’m a TRULY-full-time mom.  Any man who falls for me also has to be prepared to be strong step-father figure.  How many men out there want THAT?  I mean, when you cross out all the divorced dads my age who are carrying emotional cargo on thier backs AND you cross out all the non-dad bachelors who are set in their me-focused worlds, who am I left with? (read more here)

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It was only in hindsight that Gail realized that signs of her husband’s cheating had been present for months: in the bedroom.

“Out of blue, he kept trying a new sexual position,” said Gail.  “I thought maybe he’d seen it in a movie or something.  ‘C’mon,’ he’d say, ‘Just put these pillows under your hips, I know you’ll love it.’  And when I tried it – and didn’t like it much - he acted completely disgusted, like there was something wrong with me.  Guess he assumed that since ’she’  loved it, I would too…”

For Deana, it was her husband’s suddenly-slow ability to orgasm.  “A few times when we’d made love, I’d even thought, ‘Wow, this is taking a lot longer than normal’  And “Strange this is taking so long cause he’s been out of town for weeks.’  But I guess that’s what happens when you’re getting your fill, plus some, with someone else.” (read more here)

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Sometimes dealing with an ex can feel like you’re dealing with a child:  you give and give and give….you kindly explain the same thing over and over and over again …yet still they don’t ‘get it.’ And though it’s sad to say - and painful to have to do - sometimes we have to take legal action to make them ‘grow up.’

Perfect case in point – that of my girlfriend Barb:

Ever since she and her ex Brian separated two years ago, he often hasn’t made child and spousal support payments on time.  We’re not talking months late; we’re talking a few days or weeks as he awaited bonus cheques or got out of his overdraft.  This came as no suprise to her by the way – he’d always had problems managing money during their marriage.

Time and time again, she accomodated his need to pay late, which meant shuffling money around in her accounts so she could pay HER bills, and holding off on buying things she and the kids needed.  But time and time again she ALSO reminded him that:

a) she was doing him a favor

b) he really needed to get organized and make it a priority; maybe find a financial planner to help?

c) it really was unfair that in the grand scheme of his financial life, his paying her and the kids was treated more laxly than say, his gym membership, or his vitamin supplements.  Why couldn’t he make late payments to THEM instead of her and the kids?  (read more here)

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Two months into his divorce, Mike returned home early from work one afternoon to a big surprise:  his ex-wife had let herself in and was standing in his living room.   “I needed to come by and pick up a few things,” she said casually.  “I tried calling you earlier.  Didn’t you get my message?  I didn’t think you’d mind…”

But he did.  In fact, the feelings of being ‘intruding upon’ surprised him.  What if he’d been with another woman?  What if, what if, what if?  But it was more than that… it was about respecting that his was now HIS house, not theirs.  Still, he ended up saying nothing.  After all, their divorce was proceeding amicably – they were still ‘friends.’  He didn’t want to cause an upset, especially so early into their separation…

Mike’s scenario brings up an important, yet oftentimes ‘uncomfortable’ question for those going through a divorce:  When/should the owner of the matrimonial home get the locks changed?  Like Mike, you may have a variety of mixed feelings/reasons holding you back from doing so; i.e., fear of hurting the ex’s feelings, fear of his/her reaction, guilt, great hope that it’s unnecessary, trust in your soon-to-be-ex… (read more here)

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This past weekend I got together with a few of my closest girlfriends for our annual Christmas dinner (no men allowed!). These are women I’ve known for more than a decade – some married, some still single, some divorced.

But as is commonly the case with thirty/forty-something female friends, it was just a matter of time until the topic of sex appeared on our dinner cards. And as is ALWAYS the case, I drove home that night feeling recharged from my friends’ company… and contemplative over two streams of discussion we’d had around sex:

1: How sex should not be about ‘performing’ to win or keep a man. As one of my newly married girlfriends explained, when she was single back in her twenties, sex was more about pleasing the men than considering what she really wanted or needed herself. Even though she was unconscious of it at the time, she used her sexuality as a way to entice men, keep men, make them love her. Sure she enjoyed sex too, but she only realized now just how insecure she once was, and how she’d used her body to represent her soul. (read more here)

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These days you name it and you can find it in gift certificate form – spa treatments, movies, furniture…  But what do you think of the idea of a ‘Divorce Voucher’ as a Christmas gift?’

A few weeks ago, a law firm in England named Lloyd Platt and Company began offering such vouchers as gifts for the holiday season.  For 125 pounds, each voucher is good for one half-hour session of divorce advice with one of their lawyers, quite a savings since they normally charge 325 pounds/hr ($530/hr).  This means that husbands, wives, mistresses, friends, heck – even kids, can nudge the process along by sticking this paid-for service in a loved-one’s Christmas stocking. (read more here)

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Over the past year, most of my divorcing friends have found new partners and seemingly established lovely new lives. And I’ve wondered: Why is it taking longer for me? I mean, I crawled and slashed my way out of Rock Bottom, diligently performed my internal housekeeping, and grew and stretched spiritually in so many positive ways. So why, in the grand scheme, was the universe clearly stating I wasn’t ’ready’?

But now, as my second year post-divorce wraps up, I almost have to laugh at my impatience. Only now can I see that I wasn’t ready at all. And it’s a wonderful reminder to me that even when we’re convinced that we want something NOW, there really is a master plan at work, unfolding events at a speed that has our best interest in mind. *(read more here)

Other Articles:

Disempowering Marital Sex

Angered by his Flaccid Penis

Friends With Benefits: Myth, Rarity or Matter of Good Luck?

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Even when I was married, I sometimes worried that I wasn’t doing ‘enough’ for my kids: Should they be involved in more activities or less? Am I too strict or not strict enough? Am I doing, saying, showing my kids enough of whatever they need to feel loved and special? We only get one shot at raising our kids after all.

Now that I’m a single mom, these old worries have doubled. Logistics, time, and energy are my regular enemies. How can I be at three different soccer fields at the same time? How do I carve the precious one-on-one time each child needs and deserves? And on top of that I hear, time and time again, that no matter how hard I try to do the jobs of two parents, I’ll never properly do the dad job simply cause I’m not male. (read more here)

Other Articles:

My Top Three Turn-Offs About SOME Divorced DADS

Secrets, Lies & Hidden Desires Are Everywhere

Is It Wrong To Slam Deadbeat Dads On TV?

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This past week, a divorcing girlfriend told me about ’collaborative software’, something her divorce mediator had recommended. Her and her ex’s parenting schedules are hectic and becoming a source of contention because of miscommunication. Moreover, she’s at the point where she really doesn’t want to see his face or talk to him if she doesn’t have to. Collaborative software can help alleviate that; it’s basically a way for divorcing couples to communicate using the web. It’s kind of like a ‘neutral’ zone where couples can connect, discuss and organize such things as :

 1) school information

2) exchange times with the kids

3) expenses

4) appointments and activities

5) contact information (IE: if one parent is out of town or names/info of kids’ friends)

(Read more here)

Other Articles:

Trying To Understand Men & Their Wound

One Night Stands: Qualifiers &Disqualifiers

As A Divorced Mom, Can I Properly Celebrate My Son’s Passage Into Manhood?

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