Sometimes dealing with an ex can feel like you’re dealing with a child:  you give and give and give….you kindly explain the same thing over and over and over again …yet still they don’t ‘get it.’ And though it’s sad to say - and painful to have to do - sometimes we have to take legal action to make them ‘grow up.’

Perfect case in point – that of my girlfriend Barb:

Ever since she and her ex Brian separated two years ago, he often hasn’t made child and spousal support payments on time.  We’re not talking months late; we’re talking a few days or weeks as he awaited bonus cheques or got out of his overdraft.  This came as no suprise to her by the way – he’d always had problems managing money during their marriage.

Time and time again, she accomodated his need to pay late, which meant shuffling money around in her accounts so she could pay HER bills, and holding off on buying things she and the kids needed.  But time and time again she ALSO reminded him that:

a) she was doing him a favor

b) he really needed to get organized and make it a priority; maybe find a financial planner to help?

c) it really was unfair that in the grand scheme of his financial life, his paying her and the kids was treated more laxly than say, his gym membership, or his vitamin supplements.  Why couldn’t he make late payments to THEM instead of her and the kids?  (read more here)

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Two months into his divorce, Mike returned home early from work one afternoon to a big surprise:  his ex-wife had let herself in and was standing in his living room.   “I needed to come by and pick up a few things,” she said casually.  “I tried calling you earlier.  Didn’t you get my message?  I didn’t think you’d mind…”

But he did.  In fact, the feelings of being ‘intruding upon’ surprised him.  What if he’d been with another woman?  What if, what if, what if?  But it was more than that… it was about respecting that his was now HIS house, not theirs.  Still, he ended up saying nothing.  After all, their divorce was proceeding amicably – they were still ‘friends.’  He didn’t want to cause an upset, especially so early into their separation…

Mike’s scenario brings up an important, yet oftentimes ‘uncomfortable’ question for those going through a divorce:  When/should the owner of the matrimonial home get the locks changed?  Like Mike, you may have a variety of mixed feelings/reasons holding you back from doing so; i.e., fear of hurting the ex’s feelings, fear of his/her reaction, guilt, great hope that it’s unnecessary, trust in your soon-to-be-ex… (read more here)

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This past weekend I got together with a few of my closest girlfriends for our annual Christmas dinner (no men allowed!). These are women I’ve known for more than a decade – some married, some still single, some divorced.

But as is commonly the case with thirty/forty-something female friends, it was just a matter of time until the topic of sex appeared on our dinner cards. And as is ALWAYS the case, I drove home that night feeling recharged from my friends’ company… and contemplative over two streams of discussion we’d had around sex:

1: How sex should not be about ‘performing’ to win or keep a man. As one of my newly married girlfriends explained, when she was single back in her twenties, sex was more about pleasing the men than considering what she really wanted or needed herself. Even though she was unconscious of it at the time, she used her sexuality as a way to entice men, keep men, make them love her. Sure she enjoyed sex too, but she only realized now just how insecure she once was, and how she’d used her body to represent her soul. (read more here)

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These days you name it and you can find it in gift certificate form – spa treatments, movies, furniture…  But what do you think of the idea of a ‘Divorce Voucher’ as a Christmas gift?’

A few weeks ago, a law firm in England named Lloyd Platt and Company began offering such vouchers as gifts for the holiday season.  For 125 pounds, each voucher is good for one half-hour session of divorce advice with one of their lawyers, quite a savings since they normally charge 325 pounds/hr ($530/hr).  This means that husbands, wives, mistresses, friends, heck – even kids, can nudge the process along by sticking this paid-for service in a loved-one’s Christmas stocking. (read more here)

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Over the past year, most of my divorcing friends have found new partners and seemingly established lovely new lives. And I’ve wondered: Why is it taking longer for me? I mean, I crawled and slashed my way out of Rock Bottom, diligently performed my internal housekeeping, and grew and stretched spiritually in so many positive ways. So why, in the grand scheme, was the universe clearly stating I wasn’t ’ready’?

But now, as my second year post-divorce wraps up, I almost have to laugh at my impatience. Only now can I see that I wasn’t ready at all. And it’s a wonderful reminder to me that even when we’re convinced that we want something NOW, there really is a master plan at work, unfolding events at a speed that has our best interest in mind. *(read more here)

Other Articles:

Disempowering Marital Sex

Angered by his Flaccid Penis

Friends With Benefits: Myth, Rarity or Matter of Good Luck?

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Even when I was married, I sometimes worried that I wasn’t doing ‘enough’ for my kids: Should they be involved in more activities or less? Am I too strict or not strict enough? Am I doing, saying, showing my kids enough of whatever they need to feel loved and special? We only get one shot at raising our kids after all.

Now that I’m a single mom, these old worries have doubled. Logistics, time, and energy are my regular enemies. How can I be at three different soccer fields at the same time? How do I carve the precious one-on-one time each child needs and deserves? And on top of that I hear, time and time again, that no matter how hard I try to do the jobs of two parents, I’ll never properly do the dad job simply cause I’m not male. (read more here)

Other Articles:

My Top Three Turn-Offs About SOME Divorced DADS

Secrets, Lies & Hidden Desires Are Everywhere

Is It Wrong To Slam Deadbeat Dads On TV?

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This past week, a divorcing girlfriend told me about ’collaborative software’, something her divorce mediator had recommended. Her and her ex’s parenting schedules are hectic and becoming a source of contention because of miscommunication. Moreover, she’s at the point where she really doesn’t want to see his face or talk to him if she doesn’t have to. Collaborative software can help alleviate that; it’s basically a way for divorcing couples to communicate using the web. It’s kind of like a ‘neutral’ zone where couples can connect, discuss and organize such things as :

 1) school information

2) exchange times with the kids

3) expenses

4) appointments and activities

5) contact information (IE: if one parent is out of town or names/info of kids’ friends)

(Read more here)

Other Articles:

Trying To Understand Men & Their Wound

One Night Stands: Qualifiers &Disqualifiers

As A Divorced Mom, Can I Properly Celebrate My Son’s Passage Into Manhood?

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Does this scenario rings any bells?

Sue is the primary caregiver of her two children.  Her ex, Brian, is a part-time dad who pays child support and takes the kids every second weekend and one evening/week. 

When they first got separated, Brian was very concerned about his limited access to the kids; he wanted them as much as possible.  He also requested the ‘right of first refusal’ – that is, if Sue ever needed a babysitter, she would be required to call him first.

Six months into the divorce.  Things have started to change.  Not once has Brian acted on his right of first refusal.  And he’s often late or changing his scheduled time with the kids.  Sue hears about “important work commitments” and “bad traffic” and “a sudden business trip out of town.”  She accommodates him – after all, life happens and plans sometimes have to be broken.  Moreover, she feels a bit indebted to him -  he’s paying her child and spousal support after all…  (read more here)

Other Articles:

BIG Step: Introducing A New Man To The Kids

A Handsome Good Man Helps Restore My Faith In Men

Angered By His Flaccis Penis

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On the heels of my positive article called Why I Like To Date Divorced Men, I now want to disclose the top three things that turn me off some divorced DADS. Please read that again - I said SOME divorced DADS. And no, this is not meant to undermine the positive stuff I said in my other piece.

Turn off #1: They bitch and complain about having to pay child support and/or alimony. There are very good reasons why the laws are the way they are and men are required to pay support. Do they always seem fair? No. Can it make life challenging, if not downright tough for awhile? Absolutely. But there are two sides to every story in divorce, and quite frankly, no matter how a man tries to convince me he’s been totally screwed over, I don’t buy it. He has financial obligations to his children – PERIOD. If he has to pay spousal, those are his responsibilities too. If the situation is truly THAT unjust, he should bring it before a judge. Otherwise, he needs to accept that this is the way it will be in the short term, stop complaining and MOVE ON.  (read more here)

Other Articles:

Cheating Scum In The Public Swimming Pool

Flashing Warning: Separated Men

Psych Yourself Up & Go Out Anyways!

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Of all the blogs I’ve written,  One-Night Stands: Qualifiers & Disqualifiers is the one that men I actually DATE say they find interesting and insightful; a glimpse into the female psyche if you will.   In this piece I exhume some of the reasons why I may or may not consider going home with a man.  Cause from a woman’s perspective, not just any ‘body’ will do; she is constantly assessing if he’s worth - and worthy - of her and the effort the next-day logistics require.  In other words, respect, mutual pleasure and good intentions must still be in place, depite the night’s casual nature.

At the end of this blog, I dared suggest that when it comes to one-night-stands, men are less picky; that maybe any ‘body’ will, in fact, do. The men I’ve dated have argued that alas, I’m wrong, that men generally aren’t that callous, and want respect, good intentions and a dash of magic too…

Well guys (I’m grinning)…Hate to burst through your defense line!  This comment just in from an exemplary member of your sex:

Whatever you need to tell yourself , honey.

Here is your answer to your “THE MORNING AFTER” problem. There is no such thing as the  “morning after”.

For one nighters…  a man should never take a woman back to “HIS” place.

YOU TAKE HER HOME TO HER PLACE.
And then he LEAVES.

Period.

When done…. we just towel-off big Jim and the twins and get the hell out of there.

There will be no sleeping over. No need to drive you home. No “going to brunch” obligation. No daylight hitting your face. No staring at your ceiling, or accidentally stepping on your cats.

Solved.

Don’t worry guys - I’m still grinning.  Guess this man is one of the simple-minded, piggish jerks I wrote about that you and I both roll our eyes at.  Why do I have the sneaking suspicion that “Big Jim” ain’t quite so big?  *grin.

Other Articles:

Hiding My Tears From My Kids

You are NOT Your Story

Friends With Benefits: One Step Closer

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