A couple of days ago, Good Morning America featured a report on cheating wives.  And two things about this news-clip stood out for me:  one, how society still ’gasps’ when its women who are choosing to have affairs.  And two, how the internet is making cheating so easy. 

In my last blog, I cited that an estimated 50-62% of married women cheat (Adultery Expert Bonnie Weil).  And admittedly, I too gasped when I first read that high number.  Men I could expect it from since so many are slaves to their ’see/must screw’ mindset.   But women?  

I realized how sexist my thoughts were - for what if many women do in fact cheat just because they want great sex?  Maybe they just need to feel desirable, sexy and passionate.   I wondered, Is there a ‘double standard’ around our society’s compassion for women who cheat verses men?  And is this double standard fair?  Cause at the end of the day, cheating is cheating regardless of reason….or is it?

In this Good Morning America feature, two ‘desperate housewives’ were spotlighted.  One said she chose to have an affair because her husband never wanted to have sex.  The second women said her husband was ‘boring’ and paid more attention to their son than to her.  

Both of these women used the website AshleyMadison.com to find their lovers.  If you’ve never heard of it, Ashley Madison is one of many online dating sites that cater specifically to married people who want to have an affair.  And I sat there, mouth agape, as the company CEO revealed that they have approximately 3.5 MILLION members - 70% are men, 30% are women.  But he predicts their membership will easily rise to 20 - 30 million, for that is how unhappy many married couples are, and that’s how powerful the internet is.  

We all know that the institution of marriage is already on shaky grounds - we’re talking more than 20 million divorces are filed every year worldwide.  And of those who stay together, 80% will experience infidelity.  So it’s obvious that the easy-accessibility aspect that the internet now presents is going to encourage more and more people to cross the line.

But the question that sits with me with now is:  since there’s no stopping technology - and marriages worldwide are already in serious trouble - where the heck are we headed with all this?  I mean pig picture stuff here for humanity.  Chaos?  Total personal and social decay? 

Though it may seem like that on first glance, my personal forecast is not all gloom and doom.  I think there’s some kind of mass revolution going on that in the long term will lead to our evolution.  Just as we needed world wars to plaster big messages across the heavens for humanity to wake up to,I sense the worldwide crumbling of our relationships/marriages is supposed to rouse some vital mass learning in all of us.  What that learning is, however, I sure as heck haven’t figured out.

More Articles:
Should Great Sex Be Top Priority in our Marriages?    Cheating Scum in the Public Swimming Pool,  Surivival Mode: “Existing” Post-infidelity & Divorce

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Not long ago, a girlfriend of mine had a conversation with her husband that went like this:

“So…did you have fun playing poker with the guys last night?”

“Yup.”

She sat there waiting…finally :  “So what do you guys talk about when you meet up?”

He looked at her like she was green.  “What do you mean?”

“Do you talk about work?  Sports?  Sex?  Do you complain about your wives?  What?”  (Read more and add comments here)

Related Articles:

Disempowering Marital Sex

Angered by his Flaccid Penis

Friends With Benefits: Myth, Rarity or Matter of Good Luck?

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I’ve been talking to a man for the past few weeks via email and over the phone.  And surprisingly, I’ve grown to quite like him (a surprise since I don’t tend to get excited about men beyond sex these days.)  He’s smart, handsome, spiritually on the same page as me, and most importantly, we simply ’connect.’ 

But there’s one other reason why my attraction to him is strong: he’s a Dom.  Yeah, as in Dominant / submissive.  I’ve only ever played with D/s once and it was over a year ago.   But it is an aspect of myself and my sexuality that continues to titilize AND frustrate me.   My body melts at the thought of where it may lead me, but my brain argues that nothing in real life could equal such fantasies.  So I’ve tried to shove it down and ignore it …until I started talking to him.

But two nights ago as we talked on the phone, he told me has herpes.  He said he’s had it for twenty years and has only ever given it to one other person: his ex-wife.  He says his outbreaks are rare and very mild when they occur; they’re nothing like the gory photos on pamphlets in STD clinics.  “If something sexual were to happen between us, you don’t have to worry about contracting it,” he said firmly.  “I know my body, I can feel an outbreak coming on, and I’d know not to have sex with you.”

I was pretty freaked out.  My brain rushed to retrieve its limited data on herpes and assess what my chances were of catching it if we had protected sex.  At the same time, however, I felt disappointed and kind of mad:  I’d finally met an interesting man, who was ALSO a Dom,  but he damn well had herpes!

So now I’m thinking I won’t meet him at all; we’d planned to meet for our first date this Friday night.  I’m trying to make a rational, smart decision here.  And my brain says that I don’t want to be involved with someone with herpes unless it’s in a long term relationship.  And even though I like this man, I doubt I’m ready for serious. Even though I bet we’d have mind-blowing sex, it’s not worth a lifetime of battling an STD.    Actually, the more I think about it, the more I realize that my fear of contracting it would seriously hinder our sexual enjoyment, not to mention how much time I’d waste worrying about it afterwards.

It’s just so darn frustrating.  Finding a man I connect with is one hard task, finding one that is also a Dom is excruciating.  But I know I’ve come way too this past year and half to take a potentially harmful risk.  (sigh)  He’s just another man Delaine.  Move on.

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I’ll be the first to admit I’m not one for poetry.  But I literally got shivers when I read the poem below, recopied with permission from www.tsquest.blogspot.com. 

Master and Slave

You were the master
I was the slave

You drove
I held on for the ride

You called
I answered

You pulled me in
I couldn’t resist

You pushed me away
I stepped back and waited

You wanted to see more
I showed you all of me

You wanted me to go further
I kept going and going

You said stop
I stopped and waited

You wanted my touch
I gave you my hands

You wanted to be held
I gave you my arms

You wanted to come
I gave you my throat

You wanted space
I looked the other way

You tested me
I passed with flying colors

You suffocated me
I enjoyed it

You wanted me to trust you
I could have died while doing it

You wanted to penetrate
I offered up every orifice

You wanted me to beg
I was on my knees

You squeezed me hard
My body caved for you

You needed to grip
I offered my hair

You wanted to explore
I went willingly

You were right
I was wrong

What you didn’t know was
I chose to do this

You never had the control
It was me, all along

And I knew it, even as I obeyed your every command
I cursed your name in my head
I laughed out loud at the experience of it
Every bit of the pleasure pain
And how it was expanding my horizons
For the next one

I did it
For you
For me
And it was GLORIOUS

I offered you my body to do with whatever you wished
because I knew, way down deep….

You didn’t have Me.
Not the Real Me.

I am not my body.

I am.

Other articles: One-Night Stands: Qualifiers & Disqualifiers,  Disempowering Marital Sex

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Last night, I had the opportunity to go home with a lovely young man from a bar.  I’d been out drinking and dancing with some girlfriends and as the night wore on, this stay-at-home mom’s engine got all revved up:  “Just look at all those shoulders, backs, and arms,” my body screamed. “HELL-O!”  So how pleased I was when a 30-year-old, soon-to-be cop bought me a drink and zoomed in for the kill.

Now I’ve nothing against the concept of sex without love - especially since my heart isn’t up for grabs at his point post-divorce.  And I know I have NEEDS, sexual needs, that are strong, healthy and in need of no apology.

Nonetheless, I rejected this young man.  I came close…but I couldn’t quite thrust myself across the line.  In the aftermath, I wondered, “What stopped me?  What qualifying rules have I in place, maybe even subconsciously, that deliver my final yes or no answers?” 

Here’s what I’ve since come up with: 

The first thing that influences my decision is time.  How much of it, or little of it, have we spent together during the evening?  Even though I only want him for one night, I need time to access him, solidify a decision, and feel good about it. 

In last night’s case, he didn’t approach me till 15 minutes before closing.  And even though he seemed smart, well-spoken and very attractive, the clock was ticking loudly; it seemed too much like a booty call -  the ‘2 o-clock shuffle.’  I like my one-night stands to have a dash of magic: I want fun, intensity, connection, maybe even all three.  NOT just any “body.”

Secondly, I look for signs he’ll be a skillful, generous lover.  Oh, I know you can’t tell a book by it’s cover, but I’m very attune to languaging and energetic chemistry.  I look for actual phrases like, “I want to touch you, lick you, all over,” or anything that shows sex isn’t just about him.  Last night’s guy didn’t say the right things, even though I offered him the bait.  And ’something’ seemed off (arrogant?) in his demeanor.  I couldn’t take the risk.

My best friend says if a man talks a lot about his enjoyment of blow jobs, without any mention of reciprocation, it’s a flashing red sign that he’s a selfish lover.   I, personally, have zero tolerance for men who have weird hangups about oral sex.  I adore a man’s body from head to toe and expect the same thing in return.  I’m not saying a man should be pushed into doing things he doesn’t want to do.  But I AM OK with knowing and saying what I like.  And in a one-nighter scenario, I want a smorgasbord - many helpings of whatever I want - not just a one-course meal that may or may not be large enough to satisfy me. 

Thirdly, I’m assessing the ‘morning after.’  How will I get home?  Is it worth my time and energy?  And what kinds of concessions is he making?  In last night’s case, he lived WAY too far away and getting home would have been a pain.  Had he been older and more mature, perhaps he’d have known to say, “I’ll drive you home in the morning,” or “Let’s go get a hotel room close by and I’ll spring.”  This would have shown ‘extra effort’ on his part and ultimately, made him him more appealing.  It gets back to my needing the night to have a ’dash of magic’  - I want to feel like he just HAS to have me, whatever the cost, because our chemistry is so intense; we both want the night to go on and on…

I’m sure there are other qualifiers that affect my final decisions.  And over time, I hope to exhume them.  I just find it funny that even though I’m ‘having sex like a man,’ my ‘testing’ and thinking show I’m still waaaaay more complicated than men.  Cause for the majority of men, a booty call is just a booty call and based on physical attraction alone.  Right?   There again, why waste time wondering how MEN are programmed.  This stage of my life is all about ME, my sexuality included.

Other related articles:  I’m no “MILF.” You’re the “SMILF!”,   Should I Pursue Casual Sex More Regularly?,   Does Penis Size Matter?

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Since becoming single again this past year, I’ve been called a ‘Cougar’ - which I hate, and a MILF.  When I discovered MILF stood for “Mother I’d Like to F***”, I laughed.  Though some might find it offensive, I found it rather endearing:  I imagined these luscious, muscley young men looking at me with awe and innocence in their eyes.  How cute they wanted a ‘teacher.’  *grin. 

As my dating adventures continued, I crossed into “Young-Man Territory” a few times.  Mentally, I found these relationships very limited - we weren’t on the same page of life whatsoever.  But physically, mmmmm… that was another story.  Not only did they have stamina and the ‘look’ to keep me afire, they had a willingness to please, to learn, and become a better lover.

And then one day a question struck me:  Why do men have cute nicknames for women like MILF and we don’t have any for men?   Are we too polite?  Have we lost our sense of humor when it comes to sex?  Or is the title ‘boyfriend’ or ‘husband’ all we’re comfortable with?

I then began rethinking the word MILF - for some reason it was bugging me.  Digging deeper I realized it was because it made the man into the Hunter and the woman into the Prey.  And in my young man relationships, that was NOT the dynamic: THEY were the prey, and I was the HUNTRESS.

From that day forward I thus proclaimed a new honorary name for these delightful specimens of flesh: SMILF - Service Male I’d Like To F***.  It reverses the power scheme AND it sounds cute, kind of like an adorable little smurf.

But WAIT!  Hold your horses.  Not just ANY man can become a  SMILF; this is high-status stuff, something that must be earned.  Three primary criteria must be met:

1)  At LEAST one orgasm must go to the woman before him during every encounter

2) If any extra large ejaculation occurs on the woman’s part, he will change the sheets without fuss, and

3) NO SMALL PENISES ARE ALLOWED.

:)  God love you SMILFS.

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When a friend of mine first recommended I try internet dating, a social avenue that hadn’t even EXISTED the last time I was single,I scoffed.  I mean, I’d heard of it, but I assumed it was full of weirdos and creeps.  Nonetheless, curiosity got the better of me - after all, how else was I ever going to date?  My life revolved around children and other moms!

A year later, I’m still online dating and doing so with confidence. I want to offer 10 tips I wish I’d known before trying online dating.

1) First off, RELAX.  You’re not signing away your life, you’re just stepping outside your comfort zone.  If it makes you feel better, promise yourself you’ll TRY it for a few weeks and if you don’t like it, you can back out.

2) A couple of sites I’d recommend are lavalife.com and plentyoffish.com.  Plenty of Fish is completely free and on Lava, you don’t have to buy credits unless you want to - you just have to wait for the men to initiate contact.

3)  Post a good photo of yourself if not three or five.  Men are visual creatures and they want to see who they’re talking to.  Don’t you?  Statistics prove that posting good photos always increases the amount of mail you receive.

A few men have mentioned to me that unless a woman has at least one body shot AND one face shot, they won’t contact her.  You are who you are and you look how you look, so be upright and honest from the get-g0.

Are you concerned about privacy?  Someone stalking you?  Look at it this way.  If you talked to a man intermittently at a bar one night and gave him your phone number, he TOO could easily be a wacko.  I find e-dating MORE SECURE than that route because you can get to know them online before you give out your phone number.  And the bottom line is, e-dating is a HUGE medium for dating nowadays.  Most people on there are regular, decent folks such as yourself and that’s why THEY have photos posted.  Sure there are men on there just looking for sex and yeah, there are a few creeps, but I’ve always trusted my intuition and been able to weed them out in online conversation. 

4)  Write a good profile.  Although some men don’t read women’s profiles and zoom in on photos alone, many men do.  Remember, you don’t have to tell them your life story or reveal that you’re stressed out as a newly single mom or dealing with an ex from hell.  Keep your profile positive.  If in doubt, be brief!

5)   Keep a smile on your face, your heart in check, and don’t take e-dating too seriously.   Sure, you might meet Mr Right straight out of the starting gates.  But by CHOOSING to keep your attitude in check, you can change the daunting word ‘dating’ into ‘meeting new men.’  If it turns into more - friendship, a relationship, sex - then great.  But if not, then ‘Oh Well’ - there are thousands of others in the big blue sea.

6)  Oftentime men will request your chat address on MSN or Yahoo to continue conversation with you off the dating site.  If you don’t have either Instant Message accounts set up, install them at their respective dot com address.  It’s very simple.

7) Move at your own speed.  Some men will push for your chat address or phone number very quickly.  Others will be eager to meet.  If you’re not ready, say so.  Explain that you are new to e-dating and what your preferences are without apology.  If they have a problem with that, then it’s theirs.  If they raise any stink, just block them.  Simple, poof, gone!

When and if you do meet a man in person, do so in a public place.  That’s obvious.  I usually put a time frame on the meeting too - sometimes a half hour, sometimes an hour.  I don’t usually do full-scale ‘dinner dates’ cause they can seem sooooo long if there’s no connection.  Keep it brief and casual - coffee, tea work fine.

9) Have FUN with it!  Getting back to that ‘attitude adjustment’ I referred to earlier - you just got divorced!!!  You’re in ‘exploration mode’, learning about yourself and the great big world out there.  Don’t assume a white knight or a serious partner by your side is what you REALLY need.  You’re still finding your wings after being in the marriage cocoon for so long.  Take some time, spread your wings and see where the wind might take you.  

10)  Have some EXTRA fun with it.  Look, you might think this is disgusting but I’ll also let you know there’re a few ‘date-a-millionaire sites’ out there: sugardaddie.com, sugardaddyforme, millionairematch, dateamillionaire.  I’ve tried them all with the attitude, Oh hell, why NOT?  *grin.  Have I had any luck on there?  Well, I’ve met some awesome men and had some GREAT adventures.  But that’s another chapter in my memoir.

Please let me know if you have any questions - I’ll do my best to help!

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The topic of men’s penis size was brought to my attention YET AGAIN this morning in an article on Fox.com: a new study revealed that French men need the largest condoms in Europe while Greeks get by on the small ones. This study by a German consultancy asked 10,500 men in 25 countries to measure and report their penis. 

Hmmmm. I don’t think I’ll look at Frenchmen the same again. *grin.

After being married to the same man for so many years, I was surprised when I started dating/having sex after divorce as to the size difference in men. Particularly when my first lover, who was 6ft 4 and 240 lbs,  had a penis the length of my thumb.

Since then, I’ve had a few other lovers. And what did they have in common? Why almost all of them had very small penises! My girlfriends found it hilarious, and, amidst giggles, told me I needed to cut out a picture of a big penis and put it on my Vision Board.

Now I know a man can’t control his length or girth, just as women can’t decide their breast size. But for the first time in my life, I found myself examining and judging a man’s tackle; I hadn’t realized they varied  so much.  Prior to being married, I was so preoccupied with the emotional side of sex and making them like me, I never gave pause to second-guess or admire their equipment.  Nor had I ever entertained the idea of having a ‘preference.’

Oh women are such polite creatures - I know some of you are probably frowning, thinking how DARE I come out and state such things.  Especially since I’m a divorced mom.

But I honestly can’t say I’ve ever, while getting naked with a man for the first time, stood there hoping, “PLEASE have a small penis. Oh, PLEASE have a small penis.”

I used to say penis size didn’t matter.  But I also didn’t have a real basis for comparison  - my sexual experiences were too limited; my emotional entanglement and my own insecurities were too great.

But my sexuality is evolving - in part because I’ve given myself permission to explore my sexuality at this stage post-divorce and to learn about myself through each well-thought-out experience. And in my books, ANY kind of ‘evolution’ requires time AND experience.

And so, with my reputation at risk, but my Self intact, I climb to the top of the mountain and scream to World Wide Web: I LOVE AN AVERAGE TO LARGER, THICKER PENIS! And in case there are any French men having a read: J’aime un pénis plus grand, plus épais!

(’Fly’ photo by Stephan Wagner)

Other related articles:   I’m no “MILF.” You’re the “SMILF!”   Should I Pursue Casual Sex More Regularly? , One Night Stands: Qualifiers & Disqualifiers

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