Are you often drawn to a certain kind of man/woman because of certain physical qualities?  Guys, we often hear about your common love of  curves.  And ladies, what about the lure of tall, dark and handsome?  (I’m waving my hand here - I’m a sucker for that dark mystique!)

According to evolutionary biologist Sharon Moalem, author of How Sex Works: Why We Look, Smell, Taste, Feel, and Act the Way We Do, there are biological-based factors contributing to our attraction.  Men liking curves is pretty obvious: they speak to men’s desire to choose a mate who will successfully carry and rear his children.  But women’s lure towards tall, dark handsome is one that surprised me:

Women need a certain amount of folate (folic acid) in their bodies to have a healthy pregnancy.  Most of us know that and make alterations to our diet or through supplements to reach those levels.  But what I didn’t know is that men need lots of folate in their diets to have healthy sperm (they make about 100 million new sperm every day).

What does this have to do with skin tone?  Well ultraviolet rays, specially UVA rays destroy folate.  This means that the darker a man is, the more protection he has from UVA rays and the less folate that is destroyed.  Add that all up and what does it mean to a single woman?  This man may have healthier sperm!  

Of COURSE there are so many other factors that play a role in our attraction to one another, including  culture, upbringing, and  sexual orientation.  And of course men can alter their diets and take supplements to increase folate to improve the health of their sperm.  I just found Moelem’s studies most interesting - and now when I’m ovulating and eyeballing tall, dark and handsome I’ll have a better understanding some why. 

Other Articles:

Does Penis Size Matter? , The Dreaded Phone Call: We’re on our way to the hospital, A Handsome ‘Good Man’ Helps Restore my Faith in Men

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We had just started chatting via Instant Messenger. Conversation was flowing nicely. Friendly, polite, he had good spelling (which I look for) .  And THEN…

Then I told him I have three kids.

A pause.

A really long pause.

Then his ‘probing’ began.

It started with comments: “Wow, that must have been hard on your body, eh?

Then: “I dated a mother once. She said it destroyed her breasts.  lol ”

I knew he wasn’t a dad.  I sensed he was really into physical appearance.  And it didn’t take long for his superficality to surface.  What he REALLY wanted to know is if I was loose, saggy, with a big butt and full of stretch marks.

Needless to say, I didn’t meet this guy. Not because I feel insecure about my body cause I don’t. I think my body’s awesome, even with my pregnancy wounds. I just haven’t the patience for men who don’t think women’s bodies are flipping fantastic – post-partum as well.

Was I offended by his questions and comments? Yes. The feminist in me was pissed. But I’ve been in the dating trenches long enough to know it’s full of shallow, ignorant, little boys too.  

I just chose to roll my eyes and say adios. I haven’t the time for men like him.

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He was sooooo nice.  So very, very nice.  Well-spoken, mature, a fun personality.  And I really did enjoy talking to him. 

But I felt no spark;  I just wasn’t attracted to him.  Not just physically, but energetically.

He wanted to meet me for a second date.  I really didnt want to…but again, I went over his very nice qualities.  He was the kind of man a single mother of three SHOULD date, I thought.  Stable, adoring of children,  gentle, smart.  But still, the idea of another date with him left me feeling….well…nothing.

I felt guilty for my non-reaction - like I ’should’ try anyways.  A two-hour date was way too quick for me to ‘know’, right?  

But a couple of days later, I decided I just couldn’t do it.   I sent him an email to politely decline meeting him again; didn’t want to keep him hanging on…   He didn’t write me back.  I hoped I hadn’t hurt the man’s feelings.  He’d seemed so… hopeful.

I brought up the matter with my ‘friend with benefits’ a week later.  I thought he might have insight; he’s been doing the dating thing for almost ten years since his marriage split.  His response: “Don’t even bother with ’shoulds.’  It’s either there or it isn’t.  I’ve tried to make it work with ‘nice’ ladies before.  I’ve tried to stay with them for all the right reasons.  But it’s either there or it isn’t.  You just know.”

“But is one date really enough?”  I asked unconvinced.

“Definitely.  Or, at least it’s enough to know if there’s a spark.  As we get older, we ‘know’ these things even quicker.”

“You make it sounds so simple Chad…”  I replied, shaking my head.

“It IS simple Delaine,”  he replied.  “You can’t force it.  It’s the same with sex.  You either have great chemistry -  like you and me - or you don’t.  It’s energy.”

Maybe Chad’s right.  Maybe if, when you swallow a man’s energy and there’s no flutter inside, that’s all you need to know: it’s a dead end.  Even if you’re a single mom, there’s no reason to settle for ‘no spark.’  If anything, after all you’ve been endured and sacrificed to get where you are now, you should know better than to even consider it.

Other articles:

Do I Disqualify Potential Dates Too Quickly?,  BALANCE: What the heck is THAT?, One Night Stands: Qualifiers & Disqualifiers

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I recently received a letter from a woman in doldrums over this situation.  She’d dated a man a few times and their mutual attraction was nearing detonation.  But the ‘first-time’ hurdle still lay on her horizon - she hadn’t slept with anyone since she got separated.  Anxiety, excitement, fear… the next step would be a BIG one.  But low and behold, the day before the big event was to transpire, her period showed up.

“Should I still meet him?”  She asked me in her letter.  “I’m afraid it might make the situation more awkward than it already is.”

First off, I was frustrated for her: waiting so long to meet someone, a sizzling opportunity within grasp, then boom! -  fantasies of wild abandonment choked.  Grrrrr.  

 I recommended she go ahead and meet him and decide in the moment if it felt right.  They were openly communicating about it and his attitude was one of  “Oh well, we’ll manage.”  I thought his answer was cool.  After all, he wasn’t some inexperienced twenty year old, he was a grown man who’d been married (then divorced) for years.  He knew better than to make a big deal out of it. 

Still my stomach knotted at what the word ‘manage’ meant to him - would he be passionate and uninhibited and tender?  Or would it be a rushed get-it-in-there-cause-that’s-all-I-can-kind of experience?

Man, this dating/sex thing after divorce thing sure can be daunting, at times making us feel as insecure as college students.  So I’m throwing this “first-time-with-period” situation out to you:  Would you?  Have you?  Are they ever good?  Or does it totally depend on the open-mindedness and comfort of the two people?  I know it’s a pretty big deal to many women…but is it to men?

 Related Articles:

Good-bye Husband, Hello G-Spot!,  Mmmm…This Makes Me Shiver, Disempowering Marital Sex

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My head is off is left field this morning pondering women’s sexuality.  I know – a complicated topic.  But this is what I’m trying to figure out:

Does a woman’s sexuality ripple into other areas of her life?  Is her sexuality, in fact, a metaphor in motion for her behaviour and conduct in her work life, personal life, and social life?

Take the quality of meekness as an example.  If a woman is meek in bed, does that commonly show up in her personality elsewhere?  But more importantly – AND THIS IS KEY – if she allows herself, through sexual exploration, to become more assertive in bed, will that blossoming quality merge with and empower her in her outside-the-bedroom life?  Can a woman’s sexuality be a starting point for change and growth instead of the end-point?  (read more & add comments here)

Other Articles:

A Handsome ‘Good Man’ Helps Restore my Faith in Love

Ouch!  Guess He’s Not A Fan of my Blog!

Does Penis Size Matter?

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Recently I wrote a blog about the concept of  ‘friends with benefits,” and how, even though it sounded good in theory, I was skeptical if  could translate into real life for most people.  

This past weekend, however, I think I got a few steps closer to having such a relationship. How?  It was simple actually: I just came right out and talked to him about it.  

You see, on Friday night I found myself talking to Chad.  Who’s Chad?  Why Chad is the lovely man I met over a year ago who helped me achieve my first G-spot orgasm.   I’d always known that Chad and I would never be relationship material.  But nonetheless, we’d fallen into bed a handful of times since then, the most recent being a couple of months ago.  Bottom line was:  we had great sex.  It kept drawing us back together. Plus, we laughed a lot when we were together - we were very relaxed.

So when he contacted me this past Friday night, I just came right out and asked him.  “Are you and I what you’d call, “friends with benefits?”   I wanted to know what FwB was from his perspective: had he had one before, what it entails to him, if he’s comfortable with it, etc.

After much discussion, he finally said: “I don’t think you and I have seen each other enough up to this point to be called friends with benefits.  But we could change that.  You and I really click in bed, don’t we?  And we get along great.  I’m game!”  And just like that, a door opened.  I now know I have a special friend to call in times of ’need’ and vice versa.

Now I’m wondering:  Why didn’t I ever just come right out and asked him about this in the first place?  If I had, perhaps I could have saved myself some very frustrating nights alone!  Maybe the key to making a FwB relationship even possible is be forthcoming right from the start.  Otherwise, they might never get off the ground.  

It’s not like we have our ‘relationship’ clearly mapped out from here on in.  But as I continue exploring this FwB arrangment  with him, a few things are clear about us:

1) we openly talk about other people we date or have dated, and discuss issues related there unto 

2) we openly talk and laugh about other things

3) he knows I don’t want serious

4) the sex continues to be dynamite and he continues to teach me more and more about my body

5) I feel respected by him and treat him so as well

Might there be a few bumps ahead of us?  Maybe.   Am am I worried or concerned about it whatsoever?  No.  And maybe THAT will bring me closer to bringing this ‘myth’ to life.

Other Articles:

“Why’s A Hot Babe Like You Still Online?”, One Night Stands: Qualifiers & Disqualifiers, Do You Judge Me Harshly When I Write About Sex?

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Not long ago, a girlfriend of mine had a conversation with her husband that went like this:

“So…did you have fun playing poker with the guys last night?”

“Yup.”

She sat there waiting…finally :  “So what do you guys talk about when you meet up?”

He looked at her like she was green.  “What do you mean?”

“Do you talk about work?  Sports?  Sex?  Do you complain about your wives?  What?”  (Read more and add comments here)

Related Articles:

Disempowering Marital Sex

Angered by his Flaccid Penis

Friends With Benefits: Myth, Rarity or Matter of Good Luck?

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Over a year ago, when my best friend Hali and I found ourselves newly separated and back out in the dating trenches, we kept hearing the term “Friends With Benefits.”   We both liked the sound of it and decided it was something we wanted.  After all, we weren’t ready for serious, but we wanted to have sex.  Thus a sexual ‘friendship’ verses a love relationship seemed the perfect alternative.

But to this day, such an arrangement has been elusive.  And Hali maintains that FwB is a ‘myth’.  This is what we’ve discovered:

1) one person can end up more emotionally invested in the relationship than the other and wants ‘more’

2) no matter how open minded people proclaim themselves to be, they have a hard time knowing that the other person is still actively dating and potentially having sex with someone else

4) the ‘rules of play’ are grey and ambiguous - is she supposed to wait until he calls her?  Or vice versa?  Or is it open-ended?  And at what time of day/night does it apply?  And how many times can he/she says “I’m busy”, (which is rejection) , before the other person feels disrespected and bows out?

5) the ‘friendship’ part is underdeveloped.  Can they watch movies together or go out for dinner too?  Or is it strictly sexual and only to transpire at one person’s house?  What are the boundaries for sharing other aspects of their lives: work, family, love/sex, interests, dreams etc.?

I’m not so sure I’d go so far as to say the FwB arrangement is a ‘myth’ like Hali does.  Cause I’ve heard men say they’ve had it.   I guess I should have asked them more questions about it - dug a bit deeper and found out what it really looked and felt like.   Cause maybe a level of communication is required in order for it to be fulfilling.  Or there again, maybe a level of DETACHMENT predominates the arrangement, and the word “friend’ needs new definition.

Other Articles:

I’m no “MILF”. You’re the “SMILF”.  Goodbye Husband, Hellooo G-spot!  One-Night Stands: Qualifiers & Disqualifiers

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Over the past couple of months, men from the dating site, Lavalife, have started asking me the above question. The question comes in various renditions, from a simple “STILL on here, eh?” to “I can’t believe you still haven’t been snatched up!”

Time and time again though, my reaction has been the same: to roll my eyes. I mean, do they think I don’t know that I’ve been on there for over a year?

Half-amused, half-irritated, I imagine shocking them with a reply like:

1) The reason I’m still on here is because most of you men my age are fat, ugly, and balding.

2) I tend to date younger men cause they’re hot and fun in bed. But we don’t have much else in common so I lose interest quickly.  (Read more…)

Other Articles: Internet Dating: 10 Expert Tips to Get You Started,  Should I Pursue Casual Sex More Regularly?,  

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In my previous blog, I wrote about how I’d been chatting with a man who unexpectedly told me he has herpes.  I was trying to decide if I should even bother to meet him in person…

Early Friday evening arrived.  (I was suppose to meet him later)  All dressed up and feeling fabulous, I went, as planned, over to my girlfriend’s house for a vision board party with some of my great girlfriends.  And as the wine flowed and we dove into chocolate cupcakes, my best friend Hali asked me:  “SO…are you going to meet him later?” 

I smiled and shook my head.  “No,”  I replied.  “I figure it’s just not worth the risk.  Especially given where my head is at these days… If I were ready for serious I’d probably consider it.  But I just want great sex and freedom; not complications.”

I shifted in my bar stool and shook my head.  “I’m stll irritated though.  I finally meet a guy that I’m kind of into, AND he’s a Dom, but he damn well has herpes!  Am I going to have to wait ANOTHER year before I get to explore this Dominant/submissive stuff or what?  It’s frustrating!  Good looking Doms don’t come along every day.”

She replied matter-of-factly:  “You will meet another Dom Delaine - one who doesn’t have herpes.  I think the universe is just testing you.”

“Testing me?”  I replied whimsically.  “Or teasing me?”

“NO, you were being tested.  This scenario is no different from the kinds of tests you faced last year when you were running around with your heart on your sleeve desperately trying to find love.”

“What?”  I asked confused.  This made no sense to me.  Sure, when I first got divorced my attitude towards dating and sex was way different than it is now.  Sure I was frantically trying to fill up the whole in my heart and looking for ‘any’ man to give me a sense of self-worth.  But those days were long past; that insecure Delaine had grown a backbone.

Hali continued:  “Don’t you see?  It has everything to do with settling for less than you deserve.  A year ago you would have easily lost your Self in another relationship had you been given the chance because that was your habit - you did it all throughout your marriage and would have done the same again. If you’d decided to date this man with herpes and put you health at risk, you’d have been settling for less again. ”  She put her wine glass down at looked me in the eyes:  “At the core, this situation is no different:  it’s about believing you deserve the best and not settling for less.  You were being tested.”

I sat there moth agape.  Slowly,I began nodding my head; she was right. 

 Hali continued:  “The universe continues to test us Delaine.  No matter how far we think we’ve come, there are deep issues that we confront over and over and over again to make sure we REALLY got it.”  She smiled.  “And you ‘got’ this one; you passed the test.  Congratulations.”

I then spent the next six hours having the time of my life, chatting and laughing with my girlfriends.  “Yeah,”  I thought as looked around the room of my friends.  “He was a test.  And I did pass.  And this time tonight with my girlfriends was what I really needed, NOT a date with him.”

Little did I know that at 12:30 a.m. when I finally arrived home, the universe was going to ‘reward me’ for my choice.  But that’ll be my next blog:)

Other Articles:  Psych Yourself Up & Go Out Anyways!,  Why Women Get Divorced!  (video),  Survival Mode: Existing Post-Infidelity & Divorce

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