Last night, I had the opportunity to go home with a lovely young man from a bar. I’d been out drinking and dancing with some girlfriends and as the night wore on, this stay-at-home mom’s engine got all revved up: “Just look at all those shoulders, backs, and arms,” my body screamed. “HELL-O!” So how pleased I was when a 30-year-old, soon-to-be cop bought me a drink and zoomed in for the kill.
Now I’ve nothing against the concept of sex without love - especially since my heart isn’t up for grabs at his point post-divorce. And I know I have NEEDS, sexual needs, that are strong, healthy and in need of no apology.
Nonetheless, I rejected this young man. I came close…but I couldn’t quite thrust myself across the line. In the aftermath, I wondered, “What stopped me? What qualifying rules have I in place, maybe even subconsciously, that deliver my final yes or no answers?”
Here’s what I’ve since come up with:
The first thing that influences my decision is time. How much of it, or little of it, have we spent together during the evening? Even though I only want him for one night, I need time to access him, solidify a decision, and feel good about it.
In last night’s case, he didn’t approach me till 15 minutes before closing. And even though he seemed smart, well-spoken and very attractive, the clock was ticking loudly; it seemed too much like a booty call - the ‘2 o-clock shuffle.’ I like my one-night stands to have a dash of magic: I want fun, intensity, connection, maybe even all three. NOT just any “body.”
Secondly, I look for signs he’ll be a skillful, generous lover. Oh, I know you can’t tell a book by it’s cover, but I’m very attune to languaging and energetic chemistry. I look for actual phrases like, “I want to touch you, lick you, all over,” or anything that shows sex isn’t just about him. Last night’s guy didn’t say the right things, even though I offered him the bait. And ’something’ seemed off (arrogant?) in his demeanor. I couldn’t take the risk.
My best friend says if a man talks a lot about his enjoyment of blow jobs, without any mention of reciprocation, it’s a flashing red sign that he’s a selfish lover. I, personally, have zero tolerance for men who have weird hangups about oral sex. I adore a man’s body from head to toe and expect the same thing in return. I’m not saying a man should be pushed into doing things he doesn’t want to do. But I AM OK with knowing and saying what I like. And in a one-nighter scenario, I want a smorgasbord - many helpings of whatever I want - not just a one-course meal that may or may not be large enough to satisfy me.
Thirdly, I’m assessing the ‘morning after.’ How will I get home? Is it worth my time and energy? And what kinds of concessions is he making? In last night’s case, he lived WAY too far away and getting home would have been a pain. Had he been older and more mature, perhaps he’d have known to say, “I’ll drive you home in the morning,” or “Let’s go get a hotel room close by and I’ll spring.” This would have shown ‘extra effort’ on his part and ultimately, made him him more appealing. It gets back to my needing the night to have a ’dash of magic’ - I want to feel like he just HAS to have me, whatever the cost, because our chemistry is so intense; we both want the night to go on and on…
I’m sure there are other qualifiers that affect my final decisions. And over time, I hope to exhume them. I just find it funny that even though I’m ‘having sex like a man,’ my ‘testing’ and thinking show I’m still waaaaay more complicated than men. Cause for the majority of men, a booty call is just a booty call and based on physical attraction alone. Right? There again, why waste time wondering how MEN are programmed. This stage of my life is all about ME, my sexuality included.
Other related articles: I’m no “MILF.” You’re the “SMILF!”, Should I Pursue Casual Sex More Regularly?, Does Penis Size Matter?
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He then said something that surprised me. “I don’t think men with small penises worry as much about WOMEN criticising them. They worry about MEN making fun of them.”
By the end of her marriage, she’d given up trying to have a G-spot orgasm;
But I honestly can’t say I’ve ever, while getting naked with a man for the first time, stood there hoping, “PLEASE have a small penis. Oh, PLEASE have a small penis.”