Oh, the wild and wacky world of e-dating.  You’d think that by now, I’d be used to the insanity of it having been on and off sites for almost three years.  But THIS message, just in,  STILL caught me off guard (cutting and pasting):

“Hi gorgeous!  You are one fine looking lady, phew! lol.  Where do you want to go?  What do you want to do?  Money’s no object.  I’m married but good-looking and I’m rich LOL.  My number is (780) &&&-****.  Hurry up now..I’m waiting LOL.”

Now I’ve received numerous emails from married men since going online.  But for the most part, I’ve usually just ignored them (rolled my eyes and deleted).  And luckily, most men  take that as  “Not interested.  Go away.”  But when I received the above email, I was in a bad mood and it irritated the heck out of me.  So I replied:

Might I suggest you hold your breath while you wait? 

And as soon as I hit the send button, I felt MUCH better.  (read more here)

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Since becoming single again this past year, I’ve been called a ‘Cougar’ - which I hate, and a MILF.  When I discovered MILF stood for “Mother I’d Like to F***”, I laughed.  Though some might find it offensive, I found it rather endearing:  I imagined these luscious, muscley young men looking at me with awe and innocence in their eyes.  How cute they wanted a ‘teacher.’  *grin. 

As my dating adventures continued, I crossed into “Young-Man Territory” a few times.  Mentally, I found these relationships very limited - we weren’t on the same page of life whatsoever.  But physically, mmmmm… that was another story.  Not only did they have stamina and the ‘look’ to keep me afire, they had a willingness to please, to learn, and become a better lover.

And then one day a question struck me:  Why do men have cute nicknames for women like MILF and we don’t have any for men?   Are we too polite?  Have we lost our sense of humor when it comes to sex?  Or is the title ‘boyfriend’ or ‘husband’ all we’re comfortable with?

I then began rethinking the word MILF - for some reason it was bugging me.  Digging deeper I realized it was because it made the man into the Hunter and the woman into the Prey.  And in my young man relationships, that was NOT the dynamic: THEY were the prey, and I was the HUNTRESS.

From that day forward I thus proclaimed a new honorary name for these delightful specimens of flesh: SMILF - Service Male I’d Like To F***.  It reverses the power scheme AND it sounds cute, kind of like an adorable little smurf.

But WAIT!  Hold your horses.  Not just ANY man can become a  SMILF; this is high-status stuff, something that must be earned.  Three primary criteria must be met:

1)  At LEAST one orgasm must go to the woman before him during every encounter

2) If any extra large ejaculation occurs on the woman’s part, he will change the sheets without fuss, and

3) NO SMALL PENISES ARE ALLOWED.

:)  God love you SMILFS.

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As I continue to wade through the vast sea of online dating, I find myself feeling impatient with myself. Not because I want a man pronto, but because I’m STILL not sure what ‘type’ of man I like. And I wonder, Did I get a chameleon chromosone at birth? Or do I simply have no idea what I’m attracted to in a man?

Over the past week, I’ve briefly chatted with three men online, all of whom I found intriguing on some level. First, there was the older, hot shot executive from New York who wanted to wine and dine me. He appealed to the ‘glamourous’ businessman woman side of Delaine. Then there was the masters student a decade younger than me; I could totally picture myself curling up with him on his stained, secondhand couch drinking a slurpee and chatting about life. Then there was the long-haired photographer dude who drives a Harley to yoga class. What can I say? I’m drawn to creative, deep types who break conventional social molds, too! (read more here)

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I started online dating about six months into my separation. And when my ex-husband found out, it was an ‘awkward’ moment:

He was in my office and asked me which site I was on (he knew all the site names, for whatever reason).  He then told me to pull up my profile, (which I did, cause I was so taken aback by the whole situation) and he stood there laughing and evaluating my written profile and photos. (Read more here)

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A divorcing girlfriend of mine is dating a man who, externally, seems to have it all – good looks, wealth, the trimmings. And inwardly, there’s no denying he is a good, decent man. Together, they seem to make good ‘partners,’ going places, doing projects, having fun…

Recently, however, she confessed: “On some deeper level, we don’t connect – it’s like he only runs so deep and then I lose him. And I wonder, Do I need to be with a deeper man to truly be in love? Or am I looking for, or expecting something, that doesn’t even exist?”

Immediately, I knew how my friend felt – that strange feeling that ‘something’ was missing. It’s a depth. A deeper connection. A place where one feels liberated. Heard. Fulfilled…

It wasn’t that my friend’s man wasn’t kind. Or thoughtful. Or many great things, for he WAS. No - the feeling of lack came from somewhere else within her: it was like he stirred her heart, but not her soul; like her soul was beyond his comprehension.

She said: “A few times during our conversations, I actually felt like I was rambling and talking too much; that whatever I said was insignificant – uninteresting - cause he couldn’t ‘go there’ with me whatsoever. I hated feeling that way. It felt belittling…almost condescending.”

Now THAT was a feeling I knew – THAT was me during my marriage. Not connecting on that deeper level eventually lead to my feeling unheard…and unvalued.  I’d told myself it wasn’t important – that my ex-husband and I were a great ‘team’ in so many other ways. But now I know that was the biggest self-told lie I could tell – for being unheard at that level only ate away at my soul.

I’m not a relationship expert. God knows I’m still figuring out me and men and relationships as I go… But I told my girlfriend to be wary – for I think her ‘depth’ is one of the most beautiful aspects of who she is. And she deserves to be with a man who not only ‘goes there’ with her, but loves and appreciates her for it…

May that be a reminder to me as well.

Other Articles:
Sleeping With A Man After Divorce

Flashing Warning: Separated Men

Survival Mode: ‘Existing’ Post-Infidelity & Divorce

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A friend of mine recently asked me this question, and I’m curious as to what you think: If you talk to a prospective date a lot by phone or IM, can it spoil the in-person meeting?

My personal opinion?  Yes, it can. 

Now don’t get me wrong - I always pre-screen a man once or twice by phone or through Instant Messenger before meeting in person;… (Read more here)

Other Articles:

One-Night Stands: Qualifiers & Disqualfiers

Why’s A Hot Babe Like You Still On Here?

Beware the Loose, Wrinkly, Unsymmetrical Vagina!

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According to my best friend Hali, I do.  Disqualify men too quickly, I mean.  Over cocktails this past weekend, I was filling her in on my dating life when she quickly inserted: “Ummm Delaine…WHAT dating life?”

I laughed.  “What do you mean?  You know I’m still active on two dating sites.”

“Yeah, but when was the last time you actually MET someone in person?”

“Well…”  I thought back.  WAY back. Finally, “I don’t know.  Maybe eight months ago?”  We laughed.  Point taken.

My excuses rolled, some of which you might recognize as your own.

Ø      I’m too busy.

Ø      It’s just plain easier for me to just chat with them online.

Ø      Chances are, I won’t like him in person so why bother? 

Ø      I’m tired of organizing babysitters. 

Ø      I feel guilty for leaving my children.

But Hali didn’t buy my excuses.  She said I’d become so accustomed to disqualifying men from the comfort of my office that I was missing out.  She reminded me of the limitations of online dating, that chemistry should be gauged in person, not through a keyboard.  She also reminded me that even if I didn’t meet The One on a date, he might be someone I’d enjoy doing stuff with; have FUN with. 

I’ve considered Hali’s points carefully.  In a way, she was right: quickly disqualifying men HAD become a habit. Had I become lazy?  Cynical?   Disinterested?

I think first and foremost, I just feel exhausted.  This might sound like a Boo-Hoo Moment but working and raising kids full-time for so long has begun to take its toll on me.  Moreover, I’ve been stressed with recent divorce issues – and that negativity is VERY draining.

Nonetheless, I’m filing away her advice away in good faith.  Maybe I needed a little shake by a good friend to thrust me back into action. 

Other Articles:

On Becoming A Woman with a Past

Bad Men Bring Us Gifts

He Called Me “Abrasive”

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A newly-divorcing woman wrote me this weekend to say she’d begun internet dating after 10 years of marriage.  “But I don’t get this cyber sex thing,” she said.  “It seems like many men are looking for it.  And in all honesty, I’ve been tempted.  Have YOU had cyber sex Delaine?”

Well shake your head and frown in indignation if you must, but YES.  I HAVE had cyber sex.  Only a handful of times.  And only back when I first started e-dating.  Not as in webcam stuff, but as in using MSN or yahoo messenger (IMs).  So here are my thoughts on it for whatever they’re worth to those new to dating/ Internet dating.

I first thought the idea of cyber sex was ludicrous.  Totally impersonal and a waste of time.  But then one night, a brilliant two hour IM conversation with a man started to take on a new tone - THAT tone.  Flirtatious comments started getting more and more personal.  The nitty gritty started coming out.  And alone in my office, with no one around to see or judge or know, I said “what the hay’  and kept going…

It’s hard for those who haven’t experienced IM sex to understand…  But online, this weird kind of ‘energy connection’ can happen.  It’s as if energy knows no time or space, like quantum physicists proclaim.  Add some hormones to the picture, a social medium you’re unacquainted with, and maybe even a dash of momentary naughtiness, and suddenly it can actually FEEL like that person is in the room with you - their energy opens up to you through words. 

I can’t speak for everyone else but I personally think a little bit of cyber sex helped me transition to dating/having sex again after divorce.  Being single again was daunting, scary, and also rather exciting.  IM sex allowed me to explore and play from the safety of my own home.  It gave me a rush, it felt fun, and it was 100% totally harmless.  And when you’re in the throes of divorce and life is choatic, it sometimes feels good to ‘have a thrill.’  It juxtaposes the Darkness.  And it also hints that there’s a big big world out there awaiting your discovery.

In my cases, I never had cyber sex with just ‘any’ man or straight out of the starting gates of conversation; I wanted to get to know them first.  And in all cases, I ended up meeting them face-to-face.  I’ve heard people complain that cybersex ruins the actual in-person first date because it builds up expectations.  That happened to me once, so I can see that point.  Cause sometimes people act differenly online than they do in person.  And the fantastical world of cyberspace can be far different from reality.

I think it comes down to what you’re motivations and goals are in e-dating.  If you’re allowing yourself to be playful and aren’t taking the whole thing too seriously, then I don’t see a problem with it; you’re an adult and can make your own decisions.  Just be careful you aren’t ‘hiding’ behind your computer and letting it prevent you from real life.  But if you’re really hoping to make a genuine connection with someone, I think it’s best to wait and stay clear of that sexually charged conversation to see what your chemistry is like in person.

Cyber sex is something that I personally choose to avoid at this point in my e-dating life.  For various reasons.  First, I don’t find it fulfilling, I find it a tease.  Moreover, I’m much more comfortable with the cyberdating world now so I haven’t this need to ‘explore’ that I once had.  And thirdly, at the end of the day, most men I speak with online can’t write!!!!  As a writer, I get annoyed and tired of the graphic nature of their sexual descriptions.  Thus, now, when men come on like raging bulls, I tell them to back off.  My cardinal rule is “I DON’T do cyber sex.”  They’ll have to impress me in other ways first.  And THAT, my friends, happens RARELY!  lol

Other Articles:

Friends With Benefits: One Step Closer,  Angered by his Flaccid Penis,  Mmmmm…This makes me shiver

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Over the past couple of months, men from the dating site, Lavalife, have started asking me the above question. The question comes in various renditions, from a simple “STILL on here, eh?” to “I can’t believe you still haven’t been snatched up!”

Time and time again though, my reaction has been the same: to roll my eyes. I mean, do they think I don’t know that I’ve been on there for over a year?

Half-amused, half-irritated, I imagine shocking them with a reply like:

1) The reason I’m still on here is because most of you men my age are fat, ugly, and balding.

2) I tend to date younger men cause they’re hot and fun in bed. But we don’t have much else in common so I lose interest quickly.  (Read more…)

Other Articles: Internet Dating: 10 Expert Tips to Get You Started,  Should I Pursue Casual Sex More Regularly?,  

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When a friend of mine first recommended I try internet dating, a social avenue that hadn’t even EXISTED the last time I was single,I scoffed.  I mean, I’d heard of it, but I assumed it was full of weirdos and creeps.  Nonetheless, curiosity got the better of me - after all, how else was I ever going to date?  My life revolved around children and other moms!

A year later, I’m still online dating and doing so with confidence. I want to offer 10 tips I wish I’d known before trying online dating.

1) First off, RELAX.  You’re not signing away your life, you’re just stepping outside your comfort zone.  If it makes you feel better, promise yourself you’ll TRY it for a few weeks and if you don’t like it, you can back out.

2) A couple of sites I’d recommend are lavalife.com and plentyoffish.com.  Plenty of Fish is completely free and on Lava, you don’t have to buy credits unless you want to - you just have to wait for the men to initiate contact.

3)  Post a good photo of yourself if not three or five.  Men are visual creatures and they want to see who they’re talking to.  Don’t you?  Statistics prove that posting good photos always increases the amount of mail you receive.

A few men have mentioned to me that unless a woman has at least one body shot AND one face shot, they won’t contact her.  You are who you are and you look how you look, so be upright and honest from the get-g0.

Are you concerned about privacy?  Someone stalking you?  Look at it this way.  If you talked to a man intermittently at a bar one night and gave him your phone number, he TOO could easily be a wacko.  I find e-dating MORE SECURE than that route because you can get to know them online before you give out your phone number.  And the bottom line is, e-dating is a HUGE medium for dating nowadays.  Most people on there are regular, decent folks such as yourself and that’s why THEY have photos posted.  Sure there are men on there just looking for sex and yeah, there are a few creeps, but I’ve always trusted my intuition and been able to weed them out in online conversation. 

4)  Write a good profile.  Although some men don’t read women’s profiles and zoom in on photos alone, many men do.  Remember, you don’t have to tell them your life story or reveal that you’re stressed out as a newly single mom or dealing with an ex from hell.  Keep your profile positive.  If in doubt, be brief!

5)   Keep a smile on your face, your heart in check, and don’t take e-dating too seriously.   Sure, you might meet Mr Right straight out of the starting gates.  But by CHOOSING to keep your attitude in check, you can change the daunting word ‘dating’ into ‘meeting new men.’  If it turns into more - friendship, a relationship, sex - then great.  But if not, then ‘Oh Well’ - there are thousands of others in the big blue sea.

6)  Oftentime men will request your chat address on MSN or Yahoo to continue conversation with you off the dating site.  If you don’t have either Instant Message accounts set up, install them at their respective dot com address.  It’s very simple.

7) Move at your own speed.  Some men will push for your chat address or phone number very quickly.  Others will be eager to meet.  If you’re not ready, say so.  Explain that you are new to e-dating and what your preferences are without apology.  If they have a problem with that, then it’s theirs.  If they raise any stink, just block them.  Simple, poof, gone!

When and if you do meet a man in person, do so in a public place.  That’s obvious.  I usually put a time frame on the meeting too - sometimes a half hour, sometimes an hour.  I don’t usually do full-scale ‘dinner dates’ cause they can seem sooooo long if there’s no connection.  Keep it brief and casual - coffee, tea work fine.

9) Have FUN with it!  Getting back to that ‘attitude adjustment’ I referred to earlier - you just got divorced!!!  You’re in ‘exploration mode’, learning about yourself and the great big world out there.  Don’t assume a white knight or a serious partner by your side is what you REALLY need.  You’re still finding your wings after being in the marriage cocoon for so long.  Take some time, spread your wings and see where the wind might take you.  

10)  Have some EXTRA fun with it.  Look, you might think this is disgusting but I’ll also let you know there’re a few ‘date-a-millionaire sites’ out there: sugardaddie.com, sugardaddyforme, millionairematch, dateamillionaire.  I’ve tried them all with the attitude, Oh hell, why NOT?  *grin.  Have I had any luck on there?  Well, I’ve met some awesome men and had some GREAT adventures.  But that’s another chapter in my memoir.

Please let me know if you have any questions - I’ll do my best to help!

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