Warning: I’m a little scattered today…

I need to ask you something.  Hopefully I can coherently spit out my thoughts here.  So here goes:  Have you ever a conversation with your ex where his position on issues seemed so blatantly wrong, his perception so skewed, that you sat there wondering, “Am I really off so off the mark on this?  Truly, am I too stupid to get it?   Is it ME?”

Cause I have; or rather I am. 

I think that overall I’m a very communicative and empathetic person.  So as I continue ploughing through my divorce, I’m constantly trying to see and feel things from my ex husband’s perspective.  I ignore his condescending remarks.  I try and forgive him for biting comments that are off topic.  I try to speak kindly, sensibly, about the issue at hand. ..

But it’s like I’m talking to a wall; nothing’s getting in.  And I sit there wracking my brain:  Am I not saying this clearly enough?  Does his perspective overrule my own?  Then, in exasperation:  How did we stay married for seven years when we can’t communicate AT ALL? (read more here)

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So I broke up with someone last week – a single dad of two.   He’s the first man I’ve gone out with since divorcing that I contemplated getting serious with whatsoever.  But even though we got along brilliantly, even though he said he was crazy about me, one main thing deterred his interest: the fact that I have three kids.  And I admit, it slapped me in the face and kind of hurt.  Not because my feelings were that deep for him – but because this scenario has always been one of my greatest fears…how about you?

When he first expressed his feelings to me (via email),  I admit I was mad and wanted to scream, “You’re a F***’ing coward!”  I mean, jeez, he’s a parent too, and he’d rambled on about how he’s learned to take risks and grab life by the horns since divorcing.  Guess I found myself another ‘talker’, not ‘walker’….

But I didn’t lash out.  Instead, I deleted his phone numbers and email address as gestures of “screw you.”   And those rituals made me feel somewhat better - gone, done, whatever; the past few years have well-trained me for sudden endings…

Over the next few days, my anger turned to forlornness as my mind drifted to my closest girlfriends, both whom are divorced moms and are now in serious relationships.  For there are BIG differences between their situations and mine: first, they only have two kids, not three (doesn’t each child you have up the ‘intimidation factor’?).  Two, their ex-husbands take their children often and on a regular schedule.  Mine doesn’t.  Bottom line is I’m a TRULY-full-time mom.  Any man who falls for me also has to be prepared to be strong step-father figure.  How many men out there want THAT?  I mean, when you cross out all the divorced dads my age who are carrying emotional cargo on thier backs AND you cross out all the non-dad bachelors who are set in their me-focused worlds, who am I left with? (read more here)

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They’ve been apart now for three years. Their divorce only became official a few months ago. And I swear to God, no word of a lie, he has lamented over how broke he is ever since they separated.

But the other day, my best friend Hali, now his ex-wife, shocked me by blurting: “Guess who bought a house?”

“Paul?” I asked, mouth hanging open.

“Yup.”

“Where is it?”

“In the same neighbourhood as me and the kids, a few streets over. And it’s 2,200 square feet.”

I couldn’t believe it!  Houses in her neighborhood were NOT cheap!  How in the hell did he afford it?  I wondered.  Ever since they’d separated, he’d argued he’d been ‘forced’  to live in dingy, one-bedroom basement suites; like I said, he constantly sang a sang of woe!  Especially since she was living in a nice house with nice things (which he reminded her of incessantly) and he was paying her ‘living expenses’ through spousal support. (read more here)

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Trying To Understand Men & Their ‘Wound’

Sleeping With A Man After Divorce

Secrets, Lies & Hidden Desires Are Everywhere

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Yesterday, I received a letter from a newly-separated woman who’d recently signed up on a dating site. She wrote:

“I read your blog that said you don’t spend a lot of time talking to prospective dates on the phone or IM because you find it sets up false expectations.

My concern is that I’m going to meet a wacko or stalker! So how long DO you talk to online men before meeting face-to-face?” (Read more here)

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If You and Close Friend Had Sex With the Same Man…

You’ve PROVEN You Don’t Need A Man

FLASHING WARNING: Separated Men

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A divorced girlfriend of mine was going out on a date - a third date, which rarely happened with her. And as we talked over the phone beforehand, she was almost panicked.

“I actually like this man, Delaine. But the timing couldn’t be worse – my life is such a mess, and I don’t want to get into the details of it with him. I’ll look so pathetic.” (read more here)

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Secrets, Lies & Hidden Desires Are Everywhere

Internet Dating: Can Talking TOO Long by Phone or IM Wreck the Meeting?

Free-Range Children?

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A friend of mine recently asked me this question, and I’m curious as to what you think: If you talk to a prospective date a lot by phone or IM, can it spoil the in-person meeting?

My personal opinion?  Yes, it can. 

Now don’t get me wrong - I always pre-screen a man once or twice by phone or through Instant Messenger before meeting in person;… (Read more here)

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Why’s A Hot Babe Like You Still On Here?

Beware the Loose, Wrinkly, Unsymmetrical Vagina!

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When I’m out on a first date with a man, I pay attention to how he treats the server.  I notice:

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My divorced friend and I were standing together watching our kids play ball in the field.  Suddenly, she blurted:  “Can you believe I haven’t had sex in over two years?”

“You can not be serious,” I replied emphatically.  (Read more here)

Other Articles:

Beware the Loose, Wrinkly, Unsymmetrical Vagina

Two Golden Tools to Help You Rebuild After Divorce

What Should I do for WORK now I’m a single mom?

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That question that made me sick to my stomach when I first separated from my ex. After all, I’d been a stay-at-home mom for eight years. My professional skills were rusty, my confidence low, my fears at an all-time high.

Luckily, I got three years of spousal from my ex in our divorce – I knew I had some time to figure my life out. And boy did I need it – my heart was broken, my choices were questionable, and everything within me and around me felt upside down.

Then one day, in January 2008, I decided to use my writing to free me from my past; I started writing my memoir. I had no idea how to do it, nor did I have any idea if one day I’d sell it. I just needed to write, to figure out the insanity of my life, and FINISH something; something that was all about me.

Five months later, there it was: a three-inch stack of paper on my desk. My completed manuscript. And I cried; I celebrated. Even if no one else ever read the darn thing, I HAD WRITTEN A BOOK. I wasn’t JUST some stay-at-home mom after all.  (Read more and add comments here)

Other articles:  True Love: What is it…REALLY?, Silly & Soulful, All in single mom’s night alone, Being Tested Not to “Settle”

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