As I continue to wade through the vast sea of online dating, I find myself feeling impatient with myself. Not because I want a man pronto, but because I’m STILL not sure what ‘type’ of man I like. And I wonder, Did I get a chameleon chromosone at birth? Or do I simply have no idea what I’m attracted to in a man?

Over the past week, I’ve briefly chatted with three men online, all of whom I found intriguing on some level. First, there was the older, hot shot executive from New York who wanted to wine and dine me. He appealed to the ‘glamourous’ businessman woman side of Delaine. Then there was the masters student a decade younger than me; I could totally picture myself curling up with him on his stained, secondhand couch drinking a slurpee and chatting about life. Then there was the long-haired photographer dude who drives a Harley to yoga class. What can I say? I’m drawn to creative, deep types who break conventional social molds, too! (read more here)

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I started online dating about six months into my separation. And when my ex-husband found out, it was an ‘awkward’ moment:

He was in my office and asked me which site I was on (he knew all the site names, for whatever reason).  He then told me to pull up my profile, (which I did, cause I was so taken aback by the whole situation) and he stood there laughing and evaluating my written profile and photos. (Read more here)

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Yesterday, I received a letter from a newly-separated woman who’d recently signed up on a dating site. She wrote:

“I read your blog that said you don’t spend a lot of time talking to prospective dates on the phone or IM because you find it sets up false expectations.

My concern is that I’m going to meet a wacko or stalker! So how long DO you talk to online men before meeting face-to-face?” (Read more here)

Other Articles:

If You and Close Friend Had Sex With the Same Man…

You’ve PROVEN You Don’t Need A Man

FLASHING WARNING: Separated Men

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A friend of mine recently asked me this question, and I’m curious as to what you think: If you talk to a prospective date a lot by phone or IM, can it spoil the in-person meeting?

My personal opinion?  Yes, it can. 

Now don’t get me wrong - I always pre-screen a man once or twice by phone or through Instant Messenger before meeting in person;… (Read more here)

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One-Night Stands: Qualifiers & Disqualfiers

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Beware the Loose, Wrinkly, Unsymmetrical Vagina!

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We had just started chatting via Instant Messenger. Conversation was flowing nicely. Friendly, polite, he had good spelling (which I look for) .  And THEN…

Then I told him I have three kids.

A pause.

A really long pause.

Then his ‘probing’ began.

It started with comments: “Wow, that must have been hard on your body, eh?

Then: “I dated a mother once. She said it destroyed her breasts.  lol ”

I knew he wasn’t a dad.  I sensed he was really into physical appearance.  And it didn’t take long for his superficality to surface.  What he REALLY wanted to know is if I was loose, saggy, with a big butt and full of stretch marks.

Needless to say, I didn’t meet this guy. Not because I feel insecure about my body cause I don’t. I think my body’s awesome, even with my pregnancy wounds. I just haven’t the patience for men who don’t think women’s bodies are flipping fantastic – post-partum as well.

Was I offended by his questions and comments? Yes. The feminist in me was pissed. But I’ve been in the dating trenches long enough to know it’s full of shallow, ignorant, little boys too.  

I just chose to roll my eyes and say adios. I haven’t the time for men like him.

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I avoid dating separated men like the plague.  Call it discrimination if you want.  I call it smart.  Cause yeah, I’ve met and/or dated a bunch of them since I got separated.  And without fail, they’ve fallen into one of the following five following ‘wounded’ categories.

1:  The Over-Compensator.  This injured man is perhaps the easiest to fall for and subsequently, the most dangerous.  Energetic and outgoing, he acts like he has it all figured out and well under control.  In reference to his divorce you’ll hear comments like, Oh, it’s no big deal, life is great, and shit happens.  (Read more here)

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Is a ’spark’ essential?

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He was sooooo nice.  So very, very nice.  Well-spoken, mature, a fun personality.  And I really did enjoy talking to him. 

But I felt no spark;  I just wasn’t attracted to him.  Not just physically, but energetically.

He wanted to meet me for a second date.  I really didnt want to…but again, I went over his very nice qualities.  He was the kind of man a single mother of three SHOULD date, I thought.  Stable, adoring of children,  gentle, smart.  But still, the idea of another date with him left me feeling….well…nothing.

I felt guilty for my non-reaction - like I ’should’ try anyways.  A two-hour date was way too quick for me to ‘know’, right?  

But a couple of days later, I decided I just couldn’t do it.   I sent him an email to politely decline meeting him again; didn’t want to keep him hanging on…   He didn’t write me back.  I hoped I hadn’t hurt the man’s feelings.  He’d seemed so… hopeful.

I brought up the matter with my ‘friend with benefits’ a week later.  I thought he might have insight; he’s been doing the dating thing for almost ten years since his marriage split.  His response: “Don’t even bother with ’shoulds.’  It’s either there or it isn’t.  I’ve tried to make it work with ‘nice’ ladies before.  I’ve tried to stay with them for all the right reasons.  But it’s either there or it isn’t.  You just know.”

“But is one date really enough?”  I asked unconvinced.

“Definitely.  Or, at least it’s enough to know if there’s a spark.  As we get older, we ‘know’ these things even quicker.”

“You make it sounds so simple Chad…”  I replied, shaking my head.

“It IS simple Delaine,”  he replied.  “You can’t force it.  It’s the same with sex.  You either have great chemistry -  like you and me - or you don’t.  It’s energy.”

Maybe Chad’s right.  Maybe if, when you swallow a man’s energy and there’s no flutter inside, that’s all you need to know: it’s a dead end.  Even if you’re a single mom, there’s no reason to settle for ‘no spark.’  If anything, after all you’ve been endured and sacrificed to get where you are now, you should know better than to even consider it.

Other articles:

Do I Disqualify Potential Dates Too Quickly?,  BALANCE: What the heck is THAT?, One Night Stands: Qualifiers & Disqualifiers

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According to my best friend Hali, I do.  Disqualify men too quickly, I mean.  Over cocktails this past weekend, I was filling her in on my dating life when she quickly inserted: “Ummm Delaine…WHAT dating life?”

I laughed.  “What do you mean?  You know I’m still active on two dating sites.”

“Yeah, but when was the last time you actually MET someone in person?”

“Well…”  I thought back.  WAY back. Finally, “I don’t know.  Maybe eight months ago?”  We laughed.  Point taken.

My excuses rolled, some of which you might recognize as your own.

Ø      I’m too busy.

Ø      It’s just plain easier for me to just chat with them online.

Ø      Chances are, I won’t like him in person so why bother? 

Ø      I’m tired of organizing babysitters. 

Ø      I feel guilty for leaving my children.

But Hali didn’t buy my excuses.  She said I’d become so accustomed to disqualifying men from the comfort of my office that I was missing out.  She reminded me of the limitations of online dating, that chemistry should be gauged in person, not through a keyboard.  She also reminded me that even if I didn’t meet The One on a date, he might be someone I’d enjoy doing stuff with; have FUN with. 

I’ve considered Hali’s points carefully.  In a way, she was right: quickly disqualifying men HAD become a habit. Had I become lazy?  Cynical?   Disinterested?

I think first and foremost, I just feel exhausted.  This might sound like a Boo-Hoo Moment but working and raising kids full-time for so long has begun to take its toll on me.  Moreover, I’ve been stressed with recent divorce issues – and that negativity is VERY draining.

Nonetheless, I’m filing away her advice away in good faith.  Maybe I needed a little shake by a good friend to thrust me back into action. 

Other Articles:

On Becoming A Woman with a Past

Bad Men Bring Us Gifts

He Called Me “Abrasive”

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A newly-divorcing woman wrote me this weekend to say she’d begun internet dating after 10 years of marriage.  “But I don’t get this cyber sex thing,” she said.  “It seems like many men are looking for it.  And in all honesty, I’ve been tempted.  Have YOU had cyber sex Delaine?”

Well shake your head and frown in indignation if you must, but YES.  I HAVE had cyber sex.  Only a handful of times.  And only back when I first started e-dating.  Not as in webcam stuff, but as in using MSN or yahoo messenger (IMs).  So here are my thoughts on it for whatever they’re worth to those new to dating/ Internet dating.

I first thought the idea of cyber sex was ludicrous.  Totally impersonal and a waste of time.  But then one night, a brilliant two hour IM conversation with a man started to take on a new tone - THAT tone.  Flirtatious comments started getting more and more personal.  The nitty gritty started coming out.  And alone in my office, with no one around to see or judge or know, I said “what the hay’  and kept going…

It’s hard for those who haven’t experienced IM sex to understand…  But online, this weird kind of ‘energy connection’ can happen.  It’s as if energy knows no time or space, like quantum physicists proclaim.  Add some hormones to the picture, a social medium you’re unacquainted with, and maybe even a dash of momentary naughtiness, and suddenly it can actually FEEL like that person is in the room with you - their energy opens up to you through words. 

I can’t speak for everyone else but I personally think a little bit of cyber sex helped me transition to dating/having sex again after divorce.  Being single again was daunting, scary, and also rather exciting.  IM sex allowed me to explore and play from the safety of my own home.  It gave me a rush, it felt fun, and it was 100% totally harmless.  And when you’re in the throes of divorce and life is choatic, it sometimes feels good to ‘have a thrill.’  It juxtaposes the Darkness.  And it also hints that there’s a big big world out there awaiting your discovery.

In my cases, I never had cyber sex with just ‘any’ man or straight out of the starting gates of conversation; I wanted to get to know them first.  And in all cases, I ended up meeting them face-to-face.  I’ve heard people complain that cybersex ruins the actual in-person first date because it builds up expectations.  That happened to me once, so I can see that point.  Cause sometimes people act differenly online than they do in person.  And the fantastical world of cyberspace can be far different from reality.

I think it comes down to what you’re motivations and goals are in e-dating.  If you’re allowing yourself to be playful and aren’t taking the whole thing too seriously, then I don’t see a problem with it; you’re an adult and can make your own decisions.  Just be careful you aren’t ‘hiding’ behind your computer and letting it prevent you from real life.  But if you’re really hoping to make a genuine connection with someone, I think it’s best to wait and stay clear of that sexually charged conversation to see what your chemistry is like in person.

Cyber sex is something that I personally choose to avoid at this point in my e-dating life.  For various reasons.  First, I don’t find it fulfilling, I find it a tease.  Moreover, I’m much more comfortable with the cyberdating world now so I haven’t this need to ‘explore’ that I once had.  And thirdly, at the end of the day, most men I speak with online can’t write!!!!  As a writer, I get annoyed and tired of the graphic nature of their sexual descriptions.  Thus, now, when men come on like raging bulls, I tell them to back off.  My cardinal rule is “I DON’T do cyber sex.”  They’ll have to impress me in other ways first.  And THAT, my friends, happens RARELY!  lol

Other Articles:

Friends With Benefits: One Step Closer,  Angered by his Flaccid Penis,  Mmmmm…This makes me shiver

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Over the past couple of months, men from the dating site, Lavalife, have started asking me the above question. The question comes in various renditions, from a simple “STILL on here, eh?” to “I can’t believe you still haven’t been snatched up!”

Time and time again though, my reaction has been the same: to roll my eyes. I mean, do they think I don’t know that I’ve been on there for over a year?

Half-amused, half-irritated, I imagine shocking them with a reply like:

1) The reason I’m still on here is because most of you men my age are fat, ugly, and balding.

2) I tend to date younger men cause they’re hot and fun in bed. But we don’t have much else in common so I lose interest quickly.  (Read more…)

Other Articles: Internet Dating: 10 Expert Tips to Get You Started,  Should I Pursue Casual Sex More Regularly?,  

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