Are you often drawn to a certain kind of man/woman because of certain physical qualities?  Guys, we often hear about your common love of  curves.  And ladies, what about the lure of tall, dark and handsome?  (I’m waving my hand here - I’m a sucker for that dark mystique!)

According to evolutionary biologist Sharon Moalem, author of How Sex Works: Why We Look, Smell, Taste, Feel, and Act the Way We Do, there are biological-based factors contributing to our attraction.  Men liking curves is pretty obvious: they speak to men’s desire to choose a mate who will successfully carry and rear his children.  But women’s lure towards tall, dark handsome is one that surprised me:

Women need a certain amount of folate (folic acid) in their bodies to have a healthy pregnancy.  Most of us know that and make alterations to our diet or through supplements to reach those levels.  But what I didn’t know is that men need lots of folate in their diets to have healthy sperm (they make about 100 million new sperm every day).

What does this have to do with skin tone?  Well ultraviolet rays, specially UVA rays destroy folate.  This means that the darker a man is, the more protection he has from UVA rays and the less folate that is destroyed.  Add that all up and what does it mean to a single woman?  This man may have healthier sperm!  

Of COURSE there are so many other factors that play a role in our attraction to one another, including  culture, upbringing, and  sexual orientation.  And of course men can alter their diets and take supplements to increase folate to improve the health of their sperm.  I just found Moelem’s studies most interesting - and now when I’m ovulating and eyeballing tall, dark and handsome I’ll have a better understanding some why. 

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Does Penis Size Matter? , The Dreaded Phone Call: We’re on our way to the hospital, A Handsome ‘Good Man’ Helps Restore my Faith in Men

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I recently received a letter from a woman in doldrums over this situation.  She’d dated a man a few times and their mutual attraction was nearing detonation.  But the ‘first-time’ hurdle still lay on her horizon - she hadn’t slept with anyone since she got separated.  Anxiety, excitement, fear… the next step would be a BIG one.  But low and behold, the day before the big event was to transpire, her period showed up.

“Should I still meet him?”  She asked me in her letter.  “I’m afraid it might make the situation more awkward than it already is.”

First off, I was frustrated for her: waiting so long to meet someone, a sizzling opportunity within grasp, then boom! -  fantasies of wild abandonment choked.  Grrrrr.  

 I recommended she go ahead and meet him and decide in the moment if it felt right.  They were openly communicating about it and his attitude was one of  “Oh well, we’ll manage.”  I thought his answer was cool.  After all, he wasn’t some inexperienced twenty year old, he was a grown man who’d been married (then divorced) for years.  He knew better than to make a big deal out of it. 

Still my stomach knotted at what the word ‘manage’ meant to him - would he be passionate and uninhibited and tender?  Or would it be a rushed get-it-in-there-cause-that’s-all-I-can-kind of experience?

Man, this dating/sex thing after divorce thing sure can be daunting, at times making us feel as insecure as college students.  So I’m throwing this “first-time-with-period” situation out to you:  Would you?  Have you?  Are they ever good?  Or does it totally depend on the open-mindedness and comfort of the two people?  I know it’s a pretty big deal to many women…but is it to men?

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Good-bye Husband, Hello G-Spot!,  Mmmm…This Makes Me Shiver, Disempowering Marital Sex

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Divorce can easily feel like a drawn-out death.  And like an actual death, one must not only go through the grief cycle  (bargaining, denial, anger, depression, acceptance) - one must ALSO begin to rebuild. 

So today, due to the number of letters I’ve received from people looking for resources, I’m spotlighting two Golden Tools I found most effective on my divorce journey.  And let me add - I STILL use both of these resources regularly.

The first is a self-help book called Something More.  Authored by Sarah Ban Breathnach, who also wrote Simple Abundance, this latest book will help you dig through the ruins of your life (and heart) to excavate your Authentic Self.  I had so many ‘aha’ moments reading this book; I truly can not recommend it highly enough.  It’s smart, at times autobiographical, and it also weaves together stories and quotes from women across history who all intuitively knew they somehow weren’t ’truly’ happy.  A #1 New York Times Bestseller, Something More is now available in soft cover for $13 US or $17 Can.

The second resource I use is The Secret.  And though it’s available in both book form and as a documentary, I found the latter WAY more powerful.  No, this film isn’t specifically about divorce - but it’s about creating the life that you want using the Law of Attraction.  And let’s face it - after divorce, we ALL need a new compass.  I’ve watched it about 10 times.

Below you’ll find the first 20 minutes of The Secret.  If you wish to view the entire feature-length film, you can either rent it at your local video store, or watch it online at the official site: www.thesecret.tv. I can not urge you strongly enough: watch it today!

The movie, The Secret  (for full-screen viewing, press bottom key, second to the right)

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In my previous blog, I wrote about how I’d been chatting with a man who unexpectedly told me he has herpes.  I was trying to decide if I should even bother to meet him in person…

Early Friday evening arrived.  (I was suppose to meet him later)  All dressed up and feeling fabulous, I went, as planned, over to my girlfriend’s house for a vision board party with some of my great girlfriends.  And as the wine flowed and we dove into chocolate cupcakes, my best friend Hali asked me:  “SO…are you going to meet him later?” 

I smiled and shook my head.  “No,”  I replied.  “I figure it’s just not worth the risk.  Especially given where my head is at these days… If I were ready for serious I’d probably consider it.  But I just want great sex and freedom; not complications.”

I shifted in my bar stool and shook my head.  “I’m stll irritated though.  I finally meet a guy that I’m kind of into, AND he’s a Dom, but he damn well has herpes!  Am I going to have to wait ANOTHER year before I get to explore this Dominant/submissive stuff or what?  It’s frustrating!  Good looking Doms don’t come along every day.”

She replied matter-of-factly:  “You will meet another Dom Delaine - one who doesn’t have herpes.  I think the universe is just testing you.”

“Testing me?”  I replied whimsically.  “Or teasing me?”

“NO, you were being tested.  This scenario is no different from the kinds of tests you faced last year when you were running around with your heart on your sleeve desperately trying to find love.”

“What?”  I asked confused.  This made no sense to me.  Sure, when I first got divorced my attitude towards dating and sex was way different than it is now.  Sure I was frantically trying to fill up the whole in my heart and looking for ‘any’ man to give me a sense of self-worth.  But those days were long past; that insecure Delaine had grown a backbone.

Hali continued:  “Don’t you see?  It has everything to do with settling for less than you deserve.  A year ago you would have easily lost your Self in another relationship had you been given the chance because that was your habit - you did it all throughout your marriage and would have done the same again. If you’d decided to date this man with herpes and put you health at risk, you’d have been settling for less again. ”  She put her wine glass down at looked me in the eyes:  “At the core, this situation is no different:  it’s about believing you deserve the best and not settling for less.  You were being tested.”

I sat there moth agape.  Slowly,I began nodding my head; she was right. 

 Hali continued:  “The universe continues to test us Delaine.  No matter how far we think we’ve come, there are deep issues that we confront over and over and over again to make sure we REALLY got it.”  She smiled.  “And you ‘got’ this one; you passed the test.  Congratulations.”

I then spent the next six hours having the time of my life, chatting and laughing with my girlfriends.  “Yeah,”  I thought as looked around the room of my friends.  “He was a test.  And I did pass.  And this time tonight with my girlfriends was what I really needed, NOT a date with him.”

Little did I know that at 12:30 a.m. when I finally arrived home, the universe was going to ‘reward me’ for my choice.  But that’ll be my next blog:)

Other Articles:  Psych Yourself Up & Go Out Anyways!,  Why Women Get Divorced!  (video),  Survival Mode: Existing Post-Infidelity & Divorce

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In the year 2000, my mom and Dad got divorced. He left my then 57-year-old mom for another woman. But this wasn’t the first time he’d cheated – his philanderings had begun back in the 70s.

“Why didn’t leave him way back then?” I recently asked my mom. “Don’t you wish you had?”

“Delaine, it was a different time,” she replied with a smile. “I know it’s hard for you to imagine, but women didn’t have the same rights back then and divorce was a scary option.”

She then explained that not only was there no spousal support laws in Canada, the social stigmas attached to being a ‘divorcee’ were hideous. In social circles where she moved, everything was done in couples, and divorcees were looked down on and seen as untrustworthy, immoral tramps.

When my dad’s first affair was exposed back then, my mom had sought professional counselling. “I was told I needed to be a better wife,” my mom said, shaking her head. “Our sessions were about what I was doing wrong, how I wasn’t meeting the needs of your Dad, and how I could improve.”

She continued: “I was brought to believe that my role at home as a mother and wife was the most important thing on Earth. And I vowed to keep my family together whatever the personal cost to myself.”

I sat there with my mouth agape, appalled, horrified, angry. How dare my mother, or any woman, be blamed for her husband’s cheating! And God, what a burden for my then twenty-something mother to have carried all alone as she went about caring for and managing a household of four children. Yet she had hidden it from us kids so well.

I hadn’t realized how restrictive our divorce laws were for women in Canada such a short time ago. Out of curiosity I researched our country’s history of spousal support and discovered that it wasn’t until the mid eighties that it became part of our laws. Prior to its implementation, the law only required a 50/50 division in property and assets/liabilities; but that meant many women were left scrambling to start a career from scratch, having committed most of their work lives to being a homemaker. No surprise then that studies showed that in the first year after divorce, women suffered a 42% decrease in their standard of living, whereas men experienced an increase of 73%. Changes needed to be made.

To further paint the picture of what life was like back then for her, my mom reminded me that it wasn’t until the mid seventies that women were allowed to have credit cards in their own names. They also couldn’t get a bank loan without a male co-signer. Moreover, it wasn’t until 1973 the first battered shelters for women opened in North America, giving abused married women a safe refuge.

I now have a huge sense of gratitude for all the women before me who fought so bravely against the laws and social backlash that divorce presented them with back then. I honestly don’t know if I’d have had their courage.

Other Articles:  This Divorced Single Mom is Having  a Hormone Attack!,  The #1 Thing I Wish Someone had told me about Divorce,   Casual Sex: Should I Pursue it More Regularly?

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