When I first started dating after divorce, I felt like I’d arrived on another planet.  Not just cause I had no idea how to date again, but because it quickly became apparent that a new ‘phenomena’ had come to town since I’d last visited:  Young Men Seeking Older Women.  And oh yeah -  their holsters were full.

If you’re anything like I was back then, you may frown and tsk tsk at the mere thought of dating or even meeting with a younger man.   God knows I had “rules” – and lots of them.  After all, good, decent women of a ‘certain age’ should only good, stable men of a ‘certain age.’  Right? 

But combine hormonal surges with temptations and opportunities (and ok, maybe a couple of drinks), and low and behold my Old Rule Book got rewritten.  Not burnt – just revised, with a special-edition chapter on self-exploration with the Young Man Kind. (read more here)

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Power: A Scary Reason Why Some Exes Bow Out On Time With Their Kids

Psych Yourself Up & Go Out Anyway!

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Recently I wrote a blog about the concept of  ‘friends with benefits,” and how, even though it sounded good in theory, I was skeptical if  could translate into real life for most people.  

This past weekend, however, I think I got a few steps closer to having such a relationship. How?  It was simple actually: I just came right out and talked to him about it.  

You see, on Friday night I found myself talking to Chad.  Who’s Chad?  Why Chad is the lovely man I met over a year ago who helped me achieve my first G-spot orgasm.   I’d always known that Chad and I would never be relationship material.  But nonetheless, we’d fallen into bed a handful of times since then, the most recent being a couple of months ago.  Bottom line was:  we had great sex.  It kept drawing us back together. Plus, we laughed a lot when we were together - we were very relaxed.

So when he contacted me this past Friday night, I just came right out and asked him.  “Are you and I what you’d call, “friends with benefits?”   I wanted to know what FwB was from his perspective: had he had one before, what it entails to him, if he’s comfortable with it, etc.

After much discussion, he finally said: “I don’t think you and I have seen each other enough up to this point to be called friends with benefits.  But we could change that.  You and I really click in bed, don’t we?  And we get along great.  I’m game!”  And just like that, a door opened.  I now know I have a special friend to call in times of ’need’ and vice versa.

Now I’m wondering:  Why didn’t I ever just come right out and asked him about this in the first place?  If I had, perhaps I could have saved myself some very frustrating nights alone!  Maybe the key to making a FwB relationship even possible is be forthcoming right from the start.  Otherwise, they might never get off the ground.  

It’s not like we have our ‘relationship’ clearly mapped out from here on in.  But as I continue exploring this FwB arrangment  with him, a few things are clear about us:

1) we openly talk about other people we date or have dated, and discuss issues related there unto 

2) we openly talk and laugh about other things

3) he knows I don’t want serious

4) the sex continues to be dynamite and he continues to teach me more and more about my body

5) I feel respected by him and treat him so as well

Might there be a few bumps ahead of us?  Maybe.   Am am I worried or concerned about it whatsoever?  No.  And maybe THAT will bring me closer to bringing this ‘myth’ to life.

Other Articles:

“Why’s A Hot Babe Like You Still Online?”, One Night Stands: Qualifiers & Disqualifiers, Do You Judge Me Harshly When I Write About Sex?

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Over a year ago, when my best friend Hali and I found ourselves newly separated and back out in the dating trenches, we kept hearing the term “Friends With Benefits.”   We both liked the sound of it and decided it was something we wanted.  After all, we weren’t ready for serious, but we wanted to have sex.  Thus a sexual ‘friendship’ verses a love relationship seemed the perfect alternative.

But to this day, such an arrangement has been elusive.  And Hali maintains that FwB is a ‘myth’.  This is what we’ve discovered:

1) one person can end up more emotionally invested in the relationship than the other and wants ‘more’

2) no matter how open minded people proclaim themselves to be, they have a hard time knowing that the other person is still actively dating and potentially having sex with someone else

4) the ‘rules of play’ are grey and ambiguous - is she supposed to wait until he calls her?  Or vice versa?  Or is it open-ended?  And at what time of day/night does it apply?  And how many times can he/she says “I’m busy”, (which is rejection) , before the other person feels disrespected and bows out?

5) the ‘friendship’ part is underdeveloped.  Can they watch movies together or go out for dinner too?  Or is it strictly sexual and only to transpire at one person’s house?  What are the boundaries for sharing other aspects of their lives: work, family, love/sex, interests, dreams etc.?

I’m not so sure I’d go so far as to say the FwB arrangement is a ‘myth’ like Hali does.  Cause I’ve heard men say they’ve had it.   I guess I should have asked them more questions about it - dug a bit deeper and found out what it really looked and felt like.   Cause maybe a level of communication is required in order for it to be fulfilling.  Or there again, maybe a level of DETACHMENT predominates the arrangement, and the word “friend’ needs new definition.

Other Articles:

I’m no “MILF”. You’re the “SMILF”.  Goodbye Husband, Hellooo G-spot!  One-Night Stands: Qualifiers & Disqualifiers

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Over the past couple of months, men from the dating site, Lavalife, have started asking me the above question. The question comes in various renditions, from a simple “STILL on here, eh?” to “I can’t believe you still haven’t been snatched up!”

Time and time again though, my reaction has been the same: to roll my eyes. I mean, do they think I don’t know that I’ve been on there for over a year?

Half-amused, half-irritated, I imagine shocking them with a reply like:

1) The reason I’m still on here is because most of you men my age are fat, ugly, and balding.

2) I tend to date younger men cause they’re hot and fun in bed. But we don’t have much else in common so I lose interest quickly.  (Read more…)

Other Articles: Internet Dating: 10 Expert Tips to Get You Started,  Should I Pursue Casual Sex More Regularly?,  

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Goddarnit the excuses roll in sometimes when it’s time to go out.  I mean OUT out - like dancing, having fun, having a few drinks.  “I’m so tired,” is usually my number one bail-out; single parenting and working full-time leave me spent.  Feeling “fat and ugly” is usually excuse number two.  “It’s too much effort to get ready,” is usually somewhere in the mix too.

But I’ve come to realize that ALL of these excuses are reasons why I SHOULD go out.  “Me-time” comes far and few between, as do the occasions when my girlfriends get together.  And whenever I force myself to go out, I end up having fun and feeling grateful for my decision later on. 

So here’s what I do to psych myself up.  I watch and listen to this song on my computer with the speakers cranked,  then immediately go jump in the shower.  The combo of the two set the ball in motion and next thing you know, I’m feeling fabulous and on my way out the door.

Have a listen.  Get psyched.  And goddarnit girl - go have some FUN!  That’s MY plan for tonight!

Other Related Articles:  Should I Pursue Casual Sex More Regularly?,   Does Penis Size Matter?,  Disempowering Marital Sex

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When a friend of mine first recommended I try internet dating, a social avenue that hadn’t even EXISTED the last time I was single,I scoffed.  I mean, I’d heard of it, but I assumed it was full of weirdos and creeps.  Nonetheless, curiosity got the better of me - after all, how else was I ever going to date?  My life revolved around children and other moms!

A year later, I’m still online dating and doing so with confidence. I want to offer 10 tips I wish I’d known before trying online dating.

1) First off, RELAX.  You’re not signing away your life, you’re just stepping outside your comfort zone.  If it makes you feel better, promise yourself you’ll TRY it for a few weeks and if you don’t like it, you can back out.

2) A couple of sites I’d recommend are lavalife.com and plentyoffish.com.  Plenty of Fish is completely free and on Lava, you don’t have to buy credits unless you want to - you just have to wait for the men to initiate contact.

3)  Post a good photo of yourself if not three or five.  Men are visual creatures and they want to see who they’re talking to.  Don’t you?  Statistics prove that posting good photos always increases the amount of mail you receive.

A few men have mentioned to me that unless a woman has at least one body shot AND one face shot, they won’t contact her.  You are who you are and you look how you look, so be upright and honest from the get-g0.

Are you concerned about privacy?  Someone stalking you?  Look at it this way.  If you talked to a man intermittently at a bar one night and gave him your phone number, he TOO could easily be a wacko.  I find e-dating MORE SECURE than that route because you can get to know them online before you give out your phone number.  And the bottom line is, e-dating is a HUGE medium for dating nowadays.  Most people on there are regular, decent folks such as yourself and that’s why THEY have photos posted.  Sure there are men on there just looking for sex and yeah, there are a few creeps, but I’ve always trusted my intuition and been able to weed them out in online conversation. 

4)  Write a good profile.  Although some men don’t read women’s profiles and zoom in on photos alone, many men do.  Remember, you don’t have to tell them your life story or reveal that you’re stressed out as a newly single mom or dealing with an ex from hell.  Keep your profile positive.  If in doubt, be brief!

5)   Keep a smile on your face, your heart in check, and don’t take e-dating too seriously.   Sure, you might meet Mr Right straight out of the starting gates.  But by CHOOSING to keep your attitude in check, you can change the daunting word ‘dating’ into ‘meeting new men.’  If it turns into more - friendship, a relationship, sex - then great.  But if not, then ‘Oh Well’ - there are thousands of others in the big blue sea.

6)  Oftentime men will request your chat address on MSN or Yahoo to continue conversation with you off the dating site.  If you don’t have either Instant Message accounts set up, install them at their respective dot com address.  It’s very simple.

7) Move at your own speed.  Some men will push for your chat address or phone number very quickly.  Others will be eager to meet.  If you’re not ready, say so.  Explain that you are new to e-dating and what your preferences are without apology.  If they have a problem with that, then it’s theirs.  If they raise any stink, just block them.  Simple, poof, gone!

When and if you do meet a man in person, do so in a public place.  That’s obvious.  I usually put a time frame on the meeting too - sometimes a half hour, sometimes an hour.  I don’t usually do full-scale ‘dinner dates’ cause they can seem sooooo long if there’s no connection.  Keep it brief and casual - coffee, tea work fine.

9) Have FUN with it!  Getting back to that ‘attitude adjustment’ I referred to earlier - you just got divorced!!!  You’re in ‘exploration mode’, learning about yourself and the great big world out there.  Don’t assume a white knight or a serious partner by your side is what you REALLY need.  You’re still finding your wings after being in the marriage cocoon for so long.  Take some time, spread your wings and see where the wind might take you.  

10)  Have some EXTRA fun with it.  Look, you might think this is disgusting but I’ll also let you know there’re a few ‘date-a-millionaire sites’ out there: sugardaddie.com, sugardaddyforme, millionairematch, dateamillionaire.  I’ve tried them all with the attitude, Oh hell, why NOT?  *grin.  Have I had any luck on there?  Well, I’ve met some awesome men and had some GREAT adventures.  But that’s another chapter in my memoir.

Please let me know if you have any questions - I’ll do my best to help!

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