A divorcing girlfriend was updating me on her dating life over the phone.  She’d just flown back from spending a fun-filled weekend with a new man she’d met online.  “I don’t think he’s Mr Right, but he does have some wonderful qualities.” she said.  “And man - was he ever something in bed!  Really aggressive.  And wow, was it hot! ”

She then brought me up to speed with her on-again off-again friend/lover in her hometown.  “I really do care about him,” she said.  “We are such good friends.  We inevitably end up in bed again though cause in the moment, it feels right.”

But her trail of current lovers didn’t end there.  And she was grappling with it.  “Remember my close friend Ted?” She asked.  “We finally crossed the friendship line and slept together a week ago.  And Alex – the cute younger guy I’ve been talking to at the gym?  We went out for drinks a few nights ago…. and we had sex too!”

She continued:  “So now I’m sitting here wondering, Jesus Tara, what are you doing! I’ve NEVER had sex with multiple men before!”

As we discussed her situation, a few important points were clear:

a)      all her men knew she was seeing other men

b)      she had some kind of friendship in place with each one

c)      she was having safe sex with all of them

d)     at this point, did she want exclusively with any of them

“What’s the problem then, Tara?” I asked. 

“I don’t know,” she laughed.  “I feel like I should feel like a slut or something.”

“Do you?”

“No.  I’m actually fine with it!”

We discussed her feelings further.  More points became clear:

a)      she wasn’t having sex from a place of low self-worth

b)      she saw and appreciated different qualities in each of them

c)      she felt sexually satisfied

d)     she felt happy and wasn’t dwelling on any particular man

e)      she knew it would be short-lived; maintaining that many men would require too much time and energy

The more we dug, the more we realized that her ‘guilty’ feelings came from old-school beliefs of what we though Good Girls were supposed to do.  That training ran deep, but it was time to flush them away.  She’s a beautiful, smart, passionate, sexy, 40-year-old mom/girlfriend/and woman.  And really – how lucky is she to enjoy a dating life at this point in her life on her terms?  I say enjoy it while you can!

Other Articles:

Voicemail Disaster: Do NOT Act Like Dimitri The Stud

You are NOT Your Story

Does Penis Size Matter?

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

When I’m out on a first date with a man, I pay attention to how he treats the server.  I notice:

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

My divorced friend and I were standing together watching our kids play ball in the field.  Suddenly, she blurted:  “Can you believe I haven’t had sex in over two years?”

“You can not be serious,” I replied emphatically.  (Read more here)

Other Articles:

Beware the Loose, Wrinkly, Unsymmetrical Vagina

Two Golden Tools to Help You Rebuild After Divorce

What Should I do for WORK now I’m a single mom?

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

We had just started chatting via Instant Messenger. Conversation was flowing nicely. Friendly, polite, he had good spelling (which I look for) .  And THEN…

Then I told him I have three kids.

A pause.

A really long pause.

Then his ‘probing’ began.

It started with comments: “Wow, that must have been hard on your body, eh?

Then: “I dated a mother once. She said it destroyed her breasts.  lol ”

I knew he wasn’t a dad.  I sensed he was really into physical appearance.  And it didn’t take long for his superficality to surface.  What he REALLY wanted to know is if I was loose, saggy, with a big butt and full of stretch marks.

Needless to say, I didn’t meet this guy. Not because I feel insecure about my body cause I don’t. I think my body’s awesome, even with my pregnancy wounds. I just haven’t the patience for men who don’t think women’s bodies are flipping fantastic – post-partum as well.

Was I offended by his questions and comments? Yes. The feminist in me was pissed. But I’ve been in the dating trenches long enough to know it’s full of shallow, ignorant, little boys too.  

I just chose to roll my eyes and say adios. I haven’t the time for men like him.

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

I avoid dating separated men like the plague.  Call it discrimination if you want.  I call it smart.  Cause yeah, I’ve met and/or dated a bunch of them since I got separated.  And without fail, they’ve fallen into one of the following five following ‘wounded’ categories.

1:  The Over-Compensator.  This injured man is perhaps the easiest to fall for and subsequently, the most dangerous.  Energetic and outgoing, he acts like he has it all figured out and well under control.  In reference to his divorce you’ll hear comments like, Oh, it’s no big deal, life is great, and shit happens.  (Read more here)

Other Articles:

Is a ’spark’ essential?

Does Penis Size Matter?

Have you ever had cyber-sex?

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

He was sooooo nice.  So very, very nice.  Well-spoken, mature, a fun personality.  And I really did enjoy talking to him. 

But I felt no spark;  I just wasn’t attracted to him.  Not just physically, but energetically.

He wanted to meet me for a second date.  I really didnt want to…but again, I went over his very nice qualities.  He was the kind of man a single mother of three SHOULD date, I thought.  Stable, adoring of children,  gentle, smart.  But still, the idea of another date with him left me feeling….well…nothing.

I felt guilty for my non-reaction - like I ’should’ try anyways.  A two-hour date was way too quick for me to ‘know’, right?  

But a couple of days later, I decided I just couldn’t do it.   I sent him an email to politely decline meeting him again; didn’t want to keep him hanging on…   He didn’t write me back.  I hoped I hadn’t hurt the man’s feelings.  He’d seemed so… hopeful.

I brought up the matter with my ‘friend with benefits’ a week later.  I thought he might have insight; he’s been doing the dating thing for almost ten years since his marriage split.  His response: “Don’t even bother with ’shoulds.’  It’s either there or it isn’t.  I’ve tried to make it work with ‘nice’ ladies before.  I’ve tried to stay with them for all the right reasons.  But it’s either there or it isn’t.  You just know.”

“But is one date really enough?”  I asked unconvinced.

“Definitely.  Or, at least it’s enough to know if there’s a spark.  As we get older, we ‘know’ these things even quicker.”

“You make it sounds so simple Chad…”  I replied, shaking my head.

“It IS simple Delaine,”  he replied.  “You can’t force it.  It’s the same with sex.  You either have great chemistry -  like you and me - or you don’t.  It’s energy.”

Maybe Chad’s right.  Maybe if, when you swallow a man’s energy and there’s no flutter inside, that’s all you need to know: it’s a dead end.  Even if you’re a single mom, there’s no reason to settle for ‘no spark.’  If anything, after all you’ve been endured and sacrificed to get where you are now, you should know better than to even consider it.

Other articles:

Do I Disqualify Potential Dates Too Quickly?,  BALANCE: What the heck is THAT?, One Night Stands: Qualifiers & Disqualifiers

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

My head is off is left field this morning pondering women’s sexuality.  I know – a complicated topic.  But this is what I’m trying to figure out:

Does a woman’s sexuality ripple into other areas of her life?  Is her sexuality, in fact, a metaphor in motion for her behaviour and conduct in her work life, personal life, and social life?

Take the quality of meekness as an example.  If a woman is meek in bed, does that commonly show up in her personality elsewhere?  But more importantly – AND THIS IS KEY – if she allows herself, through sexual exploration, to become more assertive in bed, will that blossoming quality merge with and empower her in her outside-the-bedroom life?  Can a woman’s sexuality be a starting point for change and growth instead of the end-point?  (read more & add comments here)

Other Articles:

A Handsome ‘Good Man’ Helps Restore my Faith in Love

Ouch!  Guess He’s Not A Fan of my Blog!

Does Penis Size Matter?

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

According to my best friend Hali, I do.  Disqualify men too quickly, I mean.  Over cocktails this past weekend, I was filling her in on my dating life when she quickly inserted: “Ummm Delaine…WHAT dating life?”

I laughed.  “What do you mean?  You know I’m still active on two dating sites.”

“Yeah, but when was the last time you actually MET someone in person?”

“Well…”  I thought back.  WAY back. Finally, “I don’t know.  Maybe eight months ago?”  We laughed.  Point taken.

My excuses rolled, some of which you might recognize as your own.

Ø      I’m too busy.

Ø      It’s just plain easier for me to just chat with them online.

Ø      Chances are, I won’t like him in person so why bother? 

Ø      I’m tired of organizing babysitters. 

Ø      I feel guilty for leaving my children.

But Hali didn’t buy my excuses.  She said I’d become so accustomed to disqualifying men from the comfort of my office that I was missing out.  She reminded me of the limitations of online dating, that chemistry should be gauged in person, not through a keyboard.  She also reminded me that even if I didn’t meet The One on a date, he might be someone I’d enjoy doing stuff with; have FUN with. 

I’ve considered Hali’s points carefully.  In a way, she was right: quickly disqualifying men HAD become a habit. Had I become lazy?  Cynical?   Disinterested?

I think first and foremost, I just feel exhausted.  This might sound like a Boo-Hoo Moment but working and raising kids full-time for so long has begun to take its toll on me.  Moreover, I’ve been stressed with recent divorce issues – and that negativity is VERY draining.

Nonetheless, I’m filing away her advice away in good faith.  Maybe I needed a little shake by a good friend to thrust me back into action. 

Other Articles:

On Becoming A Woman with a Past

Bad Men Bring Us Gifts

He Called Me “Abrasive”

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

A newly-divorcing woman wrote me this weekend to say she’d begun internet dating after 10 years of marriage.  “But I don’t get this cyber sex thing,” she said.  “It seems like many men are looking for it.  And in all honesty, I’ve been tempted.  Have YOU had cyber sex Delaine?”

Well shake your head and frown in indignation if you must, but YES.  I HAVE had cyber sex.  Only a handful of times.  And only back when I first started e-dating.  Not as in webcam stuff, but as in using MSN or yahoo messenger (IMs).  So here are my thoughts on it for whatever they’re worth to those new to dating/ Internet dating.

I first thought the idea of cyber sex was ludicrous.  Totally impersonal and a waste of time.  But then one night, a brilliant two hour IM conversation with a man started to take on a new tone - THAT tone.  Flirtatious comments started getting more and more personal.  The nitty gritty started coming out.  And alone in my office, with no one around to see or judge or know, I said “what the hay’  and kept going…

It’s hard for those who haven’t experienced IM sex to understand…  But online, this weird kind of ‘energy connection’ can happen.  It’s as if energy knows no time or space, like quantum physicists proclaim.  Add some hormones to the picture, a social medium you’re unacquainted with, and maybe even a dash of momentary naughtiness, and suddenly it can actually FEEL like that person is in the room with you - their energy opens up to you through words. 

I can’t speak for everyone else but I personally think a little bit of cyber sex helped me transition to dating/having sex again after divorce.  Being single again was daunting, scary, and also rather exciting.  IM sex allowed me to explore and play from the safety of my own home.  It gave me a rush, it felt fun, and it was 100% totally harmless.  And when you’re in the throes of divorce and life is choatic, it sometimes feels good to ‘have a thrill.’  It juxtaposes the Darkness.  And it also hints that there’s a big big world out there awaiting your discovery.

In my cases, I never had cyber sex with just ‘any’ man or straight out of the starting gates of conversation; I wanted to get to know them first.  And in all cases, I ended up meeting them face-to-face.  I’ve heard people complain that cybersex ruins the actual in-person first date because it builds up expectations.  That happened to me once, so I can see that point.  Cause sometimes people act differenly online than they do in person.  And the fantastical world of cyberspace can be far different from reality.

I think it comes down to what you’re motivations and goals are in e-dating.  If you’re allowing yourself to be playful and aren’t taking the whole thing too seriously, then I don’t see a problem with it; you’re an adult and can make your own decisions.  Just be careful you aren’t ‘hiding’ behind your computer and letting it prevent you from real life.  But if you’re really hoping to make a genuine connection with someone, I think it’s best to wait and stay clear of that sexually charged conversation to see what your chemistry is like in person.

Cyber sex is something that I personally choose to avoid at this point in my e-dating life.  For various reasons.  First, I don’t find it fulfilling, I find it a tease.  Moreover, I’m much more comfortable with the cyberdating world now so I haven’t this need to ‘explore’ that I once had.  And thirdly, at the end of the day, most men I speak with online can’t write!!!!  As a writer, I get annoyed and tired of the graphic nature of their sexual descriptions.  Thus, now, when men come on like raging bulls, I tell them to back off.  My cardinal rule is “I DON’T do cyber sex.”  They’ll have to impress me in other ways first.  And THAT, my friends, happens RARELY!  lol

Other Articles:

Friends With Benefits: One Step Closer,  Angered by his Flaccid Penis,  Mmmmm…This makes me shiver

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

Recently I wrote a blog about the concept of  ‘friends with benefits,” and how, even though it sounded good in theory, I was skeptical if  could translate into real life for most people.  

This past weekend, however, I think I got a few steps closer to having such a relationship. How?  It was simple actually: I just came right out and talked to him about it.  

You see, on Friday night I found myself talking to Chad.  Who’s Chad?  Why Chad is the lovely man I met over a year ago who helped me achieve my first G-spot orgasm.   I’d always known that Chad and I would never be relationship material.  But nonetheless, we’d fallen into bed a handful of times since then, the most recent being a couple of months ago.  Bottom line was:  we had great sex.  It kept drawing us back together. Plus, we laughed a lot when we were together - we were very relaxed.

So when he contacted me this past Friday night, I just came right out and asked him.  “Are you and I what you’d call, “friends with benefits?”   I wanted to know what FwB was from his perspective: had he had one before, what it entails to him, if he’s comfortable with it, etc.

After much discussion, he finally said: “I don’t think you and I have seen each other enough up to this point to be called friends with benefits.  But we could change that.  You and I really click in bed, don’t we?  And we get along great.  I’m game!”  And just like that, a door opened.  I now know I have a special friend to call in times of ’need’ and vice versa.

Now I’m wondering:  Why didn’t I ever just come right out and asked him about this in the first place?  If I had, perhaps I could have saved myself some very frustrating nights alone!  Maybe the key to making a FwB relationship even possible is be forthcoming right from the start.  Otherwise, they might never get off the ground.  

It’s not like we have our ‘relationship’ clearly mapped out from here on in.  But as I continue exploring this FwB arrangment  with him, a few things are clear about us:

1) we openly talk about other people we date or have dated, and discuss issues related there unto 

2) we openly talk and laugh about other things

3) he knows I don’t want serious

4) the sex continues to be dynamite and he continues to teach me more and more about my body

5) I feel respected by him and treat him so as well

Might there be a few bumps ahead of us?  Maybe.   Am am I worried or concerned about it whatsoever?  No.  And maybe THAT will bring me closer to bringing this ‘myth’ to life.

Other Articles:

“Why’s A Hot Babe Like You Still Online?”, One Night Stands: Qualifiers & Disqualifiers, Do You Judge Me Harshly When I Write About Sex?

Bookmark It

Hide Sites