Yesterday, I received a letter from a newly-separated woman who’d recently signed up on a dating site. She wrote:

“I read your blog that said you don’t spend a lot of time talking to prospective dates on the phone or IM because you find it sets up false expectations.

My concern is that I’m going to meet a wacko or stalker! So how long DO you talk to online men before meeting face-to-face?” (Read more here)

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You’ve PROVEN You Don’t Need A Man

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I felt it when I first awoke this morning.  A feeling I haven’t felt in a long time.  One that squeezed at my heart and sent darkness through my bloodstream.

Sadness.

My Good Man is gone. 

And this day has not been the same without him.

I sent him away - or rather, I ended our correspondence.  I knew it had to be done for I was growing too attached to him.  Our geographical distance and life circumstances stood in the face of us ever growing into ‘more.’  And my longing for him had grown to where it matched those blissful moments of our communication, forcing the question: Is this worth it? 

I had to decide: Continue investing my time and energy into more of the same - or end it and free my energy and time to channel elsewhere.

My rational, grown-up mind made the final decision…

But not without clamoring protest from my heart and soul.

I’ve thrown myself into my schedule today.   And when I found myself  laughing - like when my daughter put on a harmonica show and dance - I started filing it away to tell him about tonight.

But I can’t…

He’s gone.

And my body aches…  

With sadness.

And now…now, as I sit here with that too-familiar pain in my chest, I wonder:  Can one become an expert at letting go?  Does it ever get easier?  Is it possible for the rational mind to have dominion over affairs of the heart if one experiences enough hurt?

(sigh)  It doesn’t feel any easier this time round.  The only difference is that I ‘know’ the pain will pass.  I know, I know, I know…and yet I ‘feel’ all my knowing away.

I miss you more Mountain Man.

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Have you ever had Cyber Sex?

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According to my best friend Hali, I do.  Disqualify men too quickly, I mean.  Over cocktails this past weekend, I was filling her in on my dating life when she quickly inserted: “Ummm Delaine…WHAT dating life?”

I laughed.  “What do you mean?  You know I’m still active on two dating sites.”

“Yeah, but when was the last time you actually MET someone in person?”

“Well…”  I thought back.  WAY back. Finally, “I don’t know.  Maybe eight months ago?”  We laughed.  Point taken.

My excuses rolled, some of which you might recognize as your own.

Ø      I’m too busy.

Ø      It’s just plain easier for me to just chat with them online.

Ø      Chances are, I won’t like him in person so why bother? 

Ø      I’m tired of organizing babysitters. 

Ø      I feel guilty for leaving my children.

But Hali didn’t buy my excuses.  She said I’d become so accustomed to disqualifying men from the comfort of my office that I was missing out.  She reminded me of the limitations of online dating, that chemistry should be gauged in person, not through a keyboard.  She also reminded me that even if I didn’t meet The One on a date, he might be someone I’d enjoy doing stuff with; have FUN with. 

I’ve considered Hali’s points carefully.  In a way, she was right: quickly disqualifying men HAD become a habit. Had I become lazy?  Cynical?   Disinterested?

I think first and foremost, I just feel exhausted.  This might sound like a Boo-Hoo Moment but working and raising kids full-time for so long has begun to take its toll on me.  Moreover, I’ve been stressed with recent divorce issues – and that negativity is VERY draining.

Nonetheless, I’m filing away her advice away in good faith.  Maybe I needed a little shake by a good friend to thrust me back into action. 

Other Articles:

On Becoming A Woman with a Past

Bad Men Bring Us Gifts

He Called Me “Abrasive”

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A newly-divorcing woman wrote me this weekend to say she’d begun internet dating after 10 years of marriage.  “But I don’t get this cyber sex thing,” she said.  “It seems like many men are looking for it.  And in all honesty, I’ve been tempted.  Have YOU had cyber sex Delaine?”

Well shake your head and frown in indignation if you must, but YES.  I HAVE had cyber sex.  Only a handful of times.  And only back when I first started e-dating.  Not as in webcam stuff, but as in using MSN or yahoo messenger (IMs).  So here are my thoughts on it for whatever they’re worth to those new to dating/ Internet dating.

I first thought the idea of cyber sex was ludicrous.  Totally impersonal and a waste of time.  But then one night, a brilliant two hour IM conversation with a man started to take on a new tone - THAT tone.  Flirtatious comments started getting more and more personal.  The nitty gritty started coming out.  And alone in my office, with no one around to see or judge or know, I said “what the hay’  and kept going…

It’s hard for those who haven’t experienced IM sex to understand…  But online, this weird kind of ‘energy connection’ can happen.  It’s as if energy knows no time or space, like quantum physicists proclaim.  Add some hormones to the picture, a social medium you’re unacquainted with, and maybe even a dash of momentary naughtiness, and suddenly it can actually FEEL like that person is in the room with you - their energy opens up to you through words. 

I can’t speak for everyone else but I personally think a little bit of cyber sex helped me transition to dating/having sex again after divorce.  Being single again was daunting, scary, and also rather exciting.  IM sex allowed me to explore and play from the safety of my own home.  It gave me a rush, it felt fun, and it was 100% totally harmless.  And when you’re in the throes of divorce and life is choatic, it sometimes feels good to ‘have a thrill.’  It juxtaposes the Darkness.  And it also hints that there’s a big big world out there awaiting your discovery.

In my cases, I never had cyber sex with just ‘any’ man or straight out of the starting gates of conversation; I wanted to get to know them first.  And in all cases, I ended up meeting them face-to-face.  I’ve heard people complain that cybersex ruins the actual in-person first date because it builds up expectations.  That happened to me once, so I can see that point.  Cause sometimes people act differenly online than they do in person.  And the fantastical world of cyberspace can be far different from reality.

I think it comes down to what you’re motivations and goals are in e-dating.  If you’re allowing yourself to be playful and aren’t taking the whole thing too seriously, then I don’t see a problem with it; you’re an adult and can make your own decisions.  Just be careful you aren’t ‘hiding’ behind your computer and letting it prevent you from real life.  But if you’re really hoping to make a genuine connection with someone, I think it’s best to wait and stay clear of that sexually charged conversation to see what your chemistry is like in person.

Cyber sex is something that I personally choose to avoid at this point in my e-dating life.  For various reasons.  First, I don’t find it fulfilling, I find it a tease.  Moreover, I’m much more comfortable with the cyberdating world now so I haven’t this need to ‘explore’ that I once had.  And thirdly, at the end of the day, most men I speak with online can’t write!!!!  As a writer, I get annoyed and tired of the graphic nature of their sexual descriptions.  Thus, now, when men come on like raging bulls, I tell them to back off.  My cardinal rule is “I DON’T do cyber sex.”  They’ll have to impress me in other ways first.  And THAT, my friends, happens RARELY!  lol

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A couple of days ago, Good Morning America featured a report on cheating wives.  And two things about this news-clip stood out for me:  one, how society still ’gasps’ when its women who are choosing to have affairs.  And two, how the internet is making cheating so easy. 

In my last blog, I cited that an estimated 50-62% of married women cheat (Adultery Expert Bonnie Weil).  And admittedly, I too gasped when I first read that high number.  Men I could expect it from since so many are slaves to their ’see/must screw’ mindset.   But women?  

I realized how sexist my thoughts were - for what if many women do in fact cheat just because they want great sex?  Maybe they just need to feel desirable, sexy and passionate.   I wondered, Is there a ‘double standard’ around our society’s compassion for women who cheat verses men?  And is this double standard fair?  Cause at the end of the day, cheating is cheating regardless of reason….or is it?

In this Good Morning America feature, two ‘desperate housewives’ were spotlighted.  One said she chose to have an affair because her husband never wanted to have sex.  The second women said her husband was ‘boring’ and paid more attention to their son than to her.  

Both of these women used the website AshleyMadison.com to find their lovers.  If you’ve never heard of it, Ashley Madison is one of many online dating sites that cater specifically to married people who want to have an affair.  And I sat there, mouth agape, as the company CEO revealed that they have approximately 3.5 MILLION members - 70% are men, 30% are women.  But he predicts their membership will easily rise to 20 - 30 million, for that is how unhappy many married couples are, and that’s how powerful the internet is.  

We all know that the institution of marriage is already on shaky grounds - we’re talking more than 20 million divorces are filed every year worldwide.  And of those who stay together, 80% will experience infidelity.  So it’s obvious that the easy-accessibility aspect that the internet now presents is going to encourage more and more people to cross the line.

But the question that sits with me with now is:  since there’s no stopping technology - and marriages worldwide are already in serious trouble - where the heck are we headed with all this?  I mean pig picture stuff here for humanity.  Chaos?  Total personal and social decay? 

Though it may seem like that on first glance, my personal forecast is not all gloom and doom.  I think there’s some kind of mass revolution going on that in the long term will lead to our evolution.  Just as we needed world wars to plaster big messages across the heavens for humanity to wake up to,I sense the worldwide crumbling of our relationships/marriages is supposed to rouse some vital mass learning in all of us.  What that learning is, however, I sure as heck haven’t figured out.

More Articles:
Should Great Sex Be Top Priority in our Marriages?    Cheating Scum in the Public Swimming Pool,  Surivival Mode: “Existing” Post-infidelity & Divorce

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When a friend of mine first recommended I try internet dating, a social avenue that hadn’t even EXISTED the last time I was single,I scoffed.  I mean, I’d heard of it, but I assumed it was full of weirdos and creeps.  Nonetheless, curiosity got the better of me - after all, how else was I ever going to date?  My life revolved around children and other moms!

A year later, I’m still online dating and doing so with confidence. I want to offer 10 tips I wish I’d known before trying online dating.

1) First off, RELAX.  You’re not signing away your life, you’re just stepping outside your comfort zone.  If it makes you feel better, promise yourself you’ll TRY it for a few weeks and if you don’t like it, you can back out.

2) A couple of sites I’d recommend are lavalife.com and plentyoffish.com.  Plenty of Fish is completely free and on Lava, you don’t have to buy credits unless you want to - you just have to wait for the men to initiate contact.

3)  Post a good photo of yourself if not three or five.  Men are visual creatures and they want to see who they’re talking to.  Don’t you?  Statistics prove that posting good photos always increases the amount of mail you receive.

A few men have mentioned to me that unless a woman has at least one body shot AND one face shot, they won’t contact her.  You are who you are and you look how you look, so be upright and honest from the get-g0.

Are you concerned about privacy?  Someone stalking you?  Look at it this way.  If you talked to a man intermittently at a bar one night and gave him your phone number, he TOO could easily be a wacko.  I find e-dating MORE SECURE than that route because you can get to know them online before you give out your phone number.  And the bottom line is, e-dating is a HUGE medium for dating nowadays.  Most people on there are regular, decent folks such as yourself and that’s why THEY have photos posted.  Sure there are men on there just looking for sex and yeah, there are a few creeps, but I’ve always trusted my intuition and been able to weed them out in online conversation. 

4)  Write a good profile.  Although some men don’t read women’s profiles and zoom in on photos alone, many men do.  Remember, you don’t have to tell them your life story or reveal that you’re stressed out as a newly single mom or dealing with an ex from hell.  Keep your profile positive.  If in doubt, be brief!

5)   Keep a smile on your face, your heart in check, and don’t take e-dating too seriously.   Sure, you might meet Mr Right straight out of the starting gates.  But by CHOOSING to keep your attitude in check, you can change the daunting word ‘dating’ into ‘meeting new men.’  If it turns into more - friendship, a relationship, sex - then great.  But if not, then ‘Oh Well’ - there are thousands of others in the big blue sea.

6)  Oftentime men will request your chat address on MSN or Yahoo to continue conversation with you off the dating site.  If you don’t have either Instant Message accounts set up, install them at their respective dot com address.  It’s very simple.

7) Move at your own speed.  Some men will push for your chat address or phone number very quickly.  Others will be eager to meet.  If you’re not ready, say so.  Explain that you are new to e-dating and what your preferences are without apology.  If they have a problem with that, then it’s theirs.  If they raise any stink, just block them.  Simple, poof, gone!

When and if you do meet a man in person, do so in a public place.  That’s obvious.  I usually put a time frame on the meeting too - sometimes a half hour, sometimes an hour.  I don’t usually do full-scale ‘dinner dates’ cause they can seem sooooo long if there’s no connection.  Keep it brief and casual - coffee, tea work fine.

9) Have FUN with it!  Getting back to that ‘attitude adjustment’ I referred to earlier - you just got divorced!!!  You’re in ‘exploration mode’, learning about yourself and the great big world out there.  Don’t assume a white knight or a serious partner by your side is what you REALLY need.  You’re still finding your wings after being in the marriage cocoon for so long.  Take some time, spread your wings and see where the wind might take you.  

10)  Have some EXTRA fun with it.  Look, you might think this is disgusting but I’ll also let you know there’re a few ‘date-a-millionaire sites’ out there: sugardaddie.com, sugardaddyforme, millionairematch, dateamillionaire.  I’ve tried them all with the attitude, Oh hell, why NOT?  *grin.  Have I had any luck on there?  Well, I’ve met some awesome men and had some GREAT adventures.  But that’s another chapter in my memoir.

Please let me know if you have any questions - I’ll do my best to help!

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