This divorced single mom was lucky enough to escape it for this long…but yeah - the recession has hit my family.  And man…it sucks.

The hardest part is having to say no to the kids.  Not that I ever cater to their every demand.  But they don’t understand what a recession is, despite my efforts to explain it.   I don’t want to scare them, and yet they have to understand that things must change indefinitely in the house.

Nonetheless, it’s a great reminder to be grateful for my blessings.  And I’ve been using it as a tool to teach gratitude to my kids.  Last night, we held a ’sharing circle’ where we all took turns talking about what we’re grateful for.  The depth of children’s contributions both shocked and warmed my soul.  I am truly rich in the most important of ways.

You know what else I find kinda weird?  This faith I have that everything is going to be just fine.  Maybe it’s because when I look over my shoulder, I see what I’ve already overcome these past couple of years through infidelity and divorce hell.  And truly, if I can make it through that, I can make it through anything! I’m a lot stronger than I ever gave myself credit for.

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He was sooooo nice.  So very, very nice.  Well-spoken, mature, a fun personality.  And I really did enjoy talking to him. 

But I felt no spark;  I just wasn’t attracted to him.  Not just physically, but energetically.

He wanted to meet me for a second date.  I really didnt want to…but again, I went over his very nice qualities.  He was the kind of man a single mother of three SHOULD date, I thought.  Stable, adoring of children,  gentle, smart.  But still, the idea of another date with him left me feeling….well…nothing.

I felt guilty for my non-reaction - like I ’should’ try anyways.  A two-hour date was way too quick for me to ‘know’, right?  

But a couple of days later, I decided I just couldn’t do it.   I sent him an email to politely decline meeting him again; didn’t want to keep him hanging on…   He didn’t write me back.  I hoped I hadn’t hurt the man’s feelings.  He’d seemed so… hopeful.

I brought up the matter with my ‘friend with benefits’ a week later.  I thought he might have insight; he’s been doing the dating thing for almost ten years since his marriage split.  His response: “Don’t even bother with ’shoulds.’  It’s either there or it isn’t.  I’ve tried to make it work with ‘nice’ ladies before.  I’ve tried to stay with them for all the right reasons.  But it’s either there or it isn’t.  You just know.”

“But is one date really enough?”  I asked unconvinced.

“Definitely.  Or, at least it’s enough to know if there’s a spark.  As we get older, we ‘know’ these things even quicker.”

“You make it sounds so simple Chad…”  I replied, shaking my head.

“It IS simple Delaine,”  he replied.  “You can’t force it.  It’s the same with sex.  You either have great chemistry -  like you and me - or you don’t.  It’s energy.”

Maybe Chad’s right.  Maybe if, when you swallow a man’s energy and there’s no flutter inside, that’s all you need to know: it’s a dead end.  Even if you’re a single mom, there’s no reason to settle for ‘no spark.’  If anything, after all you’ve been endured and sacrificed to get where you are now, you should know better than to even consider it.

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We hear about it all the time – this thing called “balance.”  We’re told it’s something we need, something we should strive for, something we should achieve.

But you know what I’ve never understood?  How it is measured.  Do all balancing components, i.e. work vs. play, have to happen every day?  Can they divide the week in half?  Or can a full month of work be balanced with one day of play? (Read more and add comments here)

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A newly-divorcing woman wrote me this weekend to say she’d begun internet dating after 10 years of marriage.  “But I don’t get this cyber sex thing,” she said.  “It seems like many men are looking for it.  And in all honesty, I’ve been tempted.  Have YOU had cyber sex Delaine?”

Well shake your head and frown in indignation if you must, but YES.  I HAVE had cyber sex.  Only a handful of times.  And only back when I first started e-dating.  Not as in webcam stuff, but as in using MSN or yahoo messenger (IMs).  So here are my thoughts on it for whatever they’re worth to those new to dating/ Internet dating.

I first thought the idea of cyber sex was ludicrous.  Totally impersonal and a waste of time.  But then one night, a brilliant two hour IM conversation with a man started to take on a new tone - THAT tone.  Flirtatious comments started getting more and more personal.  The nitty gritty started coming out.  And alone in my office, with no one around to see or judge or know, I said “what the hay’  and kept going…

It’s hard for those who haven’t experienced IM sex to understand…  But online, this weird kind of ‘energy connection’ can happen.  It’s as if energy knows no time or space, like quantum physicists proclaim.  Add some hormones to the picture, a social medium you’re unacquainted with, and maybe even a dash of momentary naughtiness, and suddenly it can actually FEEL like that person is in the room with you - their energy opens up to you through words. 

I can’t speak for everyone else but I personally think a little bit of cyber sex helped me transition to dating/having sex again after divorce.  Being single again was daunting, scary, and also rather exciting.  IM sex allowed me to explore and play from the safety of my own home.  It gave me a rush, it felt fun, and it was 100% totally harmless.  And when you’re in the throes of divorce and life is choatic, it sometimes feels good to ‘have a thrill.’  It juxtaposes the Darkness.  And it also hints that there’s a big big world out there awaiting your discovery.

In my cases, I never had cyber sex with just ‘any’ man or straight out of the starting gates of conversation; I wanted to get to know them first.  And in all cases, I ended up meeting them face-to-face.  I’ve heard people complain that cybersex ruins the actual in-person first date because it builds up expectations.  That happened to me once, so I can see that point.  Cause sometimes people act differenly online than they do in person.  And the fantastical world of cyberspace can be far different from reality.

I think it comes down to what you’re motivations and goals are in e-dating.  If you’re allowing yourself to be playful and aren’t taking the whole thing too seriously, then I don’t see a problem with it; you’re an adult and can make your own decisions.  Just be careful you aren’t ‘hiding’ behind your computer and letting it prevent you from real life.  But if you’re really hoping to make a genuine connection with someone, I think it’s best to wait and stay clear of that sexually charged conversation to see what your chemistry is like in person.

Cyber sex is something that I personally choose to avoid at this point in my e-dating life.  For various reasons.  First, I don’t find it fulfilling, I find it a tease.  Moreover, I’m much more comfortable with the cyberdating world now so I haven’t this need to ‘explore’ that I once had.  And thirdly, at the end of the day, most men I speak with online can’t write!!!!  As a writer, I get annoyed and tired of the graphic nature of their sexual descriptions.  Thus, now, when men come on like raging bulls, I tell them to back off.  My cardinal rule is “I DON’T do cyber sex.”  They’ll have to impress me in other ways first.  And THAT, my friends, happens RARELY!  lol

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A girlfriend of mine says she’s fallen in love.  She’s met him only three times – he lives thousands of miles away in the United States.  She talks now of how she plans to move there at the end of the year.  She will find a new job.  Move away from her family.  Her eyes go soft and dreamy as she talks about their future… in her mind, he’s The One.

I love this woman.  I love her like a little sister.  She’s only 27-years-old.  I know how badly she wants to find the Real Thing, how much she wants children, and the family dream. 

Yet I am torn…

(Read more and add comments here)

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A child psychologist told me that one of the best skills I could teach my kids to help them adjust to my ex’s and my different parenting styles was the ‘Tethlon Suit” technique.  It involved me explaining  what tethlon is and how it enabled all food to just ‘slide off off” pots and pans.   This same ‘slide off’ analogy applied to the tethlon suits my kids then imagined putting on; for any kinds of mean words or actions were to simply ‘slide off of them.’  

I found myself using this technique on myself this past weekend when talking to my ex.  But instead of just envisioning myself wrapped in tethlon, I literally slid the phone away from my ear when I heard mean remarks; I was energetically ‘pushing them away’ so that they couldn’t penetrate me… (Read more and add comments here)

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My best friend Hali then put her wine glass down on the restaurant table and continued: “So when are you going to stop ‘proving it’ and move BEYOND it?”

I looked at her confused.  “Huh?”

“You’ve done it Delaine - you’ve shown everyone that you can live just fine without a man.  You’ve taken lovers on your terms, you’ve made hard choices, well-made mistakes and you’re all the stronger for them.  You’ve even rebounded from your job of eight years as a stay-at-home mom to start a great new career as an author.  And all of that is fantastic, and I applaud you louder than anyone else for how far you’ve come.  BUT – “… (read more and add comments here)

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Almost all women at some point in their lives attract a ‘bad man’; some of us marry him.  And by ‘bad,’ I’m not simply referring to men who are drug lords, pimps, or wife abusers.  No, “bad men” are regular men who don’t treat us and love us as wonderfully as we deserve.  They are, as author Sarah Breathnach puts it, “spiritual disgraces sent in disguise to teach us, through torment, to love ourselves.”

It can be hard to identify the spiritual ‘gifts’ our bad men have brought us – especially if they cheated and left us for another woman.  When everything first erupts, we’ll say they’re ‘bad’ and mean it literally, venomously, blamefully…(read more and add comments here)

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Not long ago, a girlfriend of mine had a conversation with her husband that went like this:

“So…did you have fun playing poker with the guys last night?”

“Yup.”

She sat there waiting…finally :  “So what do you guys talk about when you meet up?”

He looked at her like she was green.  “What do you mean?”

“Do you talk about work?  Sports?  Sex?  Do you complain about your wives?  What?”  (Read more and add comments here)

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A couple of days ago was the perfect example.  I returned home from custody mediation with my ex with obviously red, puffy eyes.  I came inside my house and immediately went downstairs to my office - I didn’t want my preschool daughter to see my puffy face.  But once in the privacy of my office, I sat down and bawled.

But suddenly, the clock on my computer read lunchtime - I had to go pick up my boys from school for lunch.  I ran to the bathroom and dowsed my face in cold water.  “Get it together Delaine,”  I told myself.  “Find that happy face for the kids.”

And I did.  I greeted them at school with that extra big smile and extra happy voice I’ve perfected this past year in times like these; you know - the ‘mini-eruptions’ that make you want to curl up in ball and sob, or scream at the top of your lungs; not act like Mrs Brady.

There have been many times I’ve had to put on this facade for my children this past year.  And I always will because I want to shield them from upset; divorce crap is for the adults to wade through, not their kids.  

But I have to be honest - sometimes it takes every last ounce of my spirit to find the energy to do so.

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