Laughing.

Making love.

Holding.

Pillow talking…

No, I’m not talking about a married couple on a weekend getaway. I’m talking about two special friends experiencing a weekend of ‘love without attachment.’ And I sit here wondering: Might restless or hurting hearts heal quicker if we had more of them? (read more here)

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A child psychologist told me that one of the best skills I could teach my kids to help them adjust to my ex’s and my different parenting styles was the ‘Tethlon Suit” technique.  It involved me explaining  what tethlon is and how it enabled all food to just ‘slide off off” pots and pans.   This same ‘slide off’ analogy applied to the tethlon suits my kids then imagined putting on; for any kinds of mean words or actions were to simply ‘slide off of them.’  

I found myself using this technique on myself this past weekend when talking to my ex.  But instead of just envisioning myself wrapped in tethlon, I literally slid the phone away from my ear when I heard mean remarks; I was energetically ‘pushing them away’ so that they couldn’t penetrate me… (Read more and add comments here)

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Divorce can easily feel like a drawn-out death.  And like an actual death, one must not only go through the grief cycle  (bargaining, denial, anger, depression, acceptance) - one must ALSO begin to rebuild. 

So today, due to the number of letters I’ve received from people looking for resources, I’m spotlighting two Golden Tools I found most effective on my divorce journey.  And let me add - I STILL use both of these resources regularly.

The first is a self-help book called Something More.  Authored by Sarah Ban Breathnach, who also wrote Simple Abundance, this latest book will help you dig through the ruins of your life (and heart) to excavate your Authentic Self.  I had so many ‘aha’ moments reading this book; I truly can not recommend it highly enough.  It’s smart, at times autobiographical, and it also weaves together stories and quotes from women across history who all intuitively knew they somehow weren’t ’truly’ happy.  A #1 New York Times Bestseller, Something More is now available in soft cover for $13 US or $17 Can.

The second resource I use is The Secret.  And though it’s available in both book form and as a documentary, I found the latter WAY more powerful.  No, this film isn’t specifically about divorce - but it’s about creating the life that you want using the Law of Attraction.  And let’s face it - after divorce, we ALL need a new compass.  I’ve watched it about 10 times.

Below you’ll find the first 20 minutes of The Secret.  If you wish to view the entire feature-length film, you can either rent it at your local video store, or watch it online at the official site: www.thesecret.tv. I can not urge you strongly enough: watch it today!

The movie, The Secret  (for full-screen viewing, press bottom key, second to the right)

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Over the past couple of months, men from the dating site, Lavalife, have started asking me the above question. The question comes in various renditions, from a simple “STILL on here, eh?” to “I can’t believe you still haven’t been snatched up!”

Time and time again though, my reaction has been the same: to roll my eyes. I mean, do they think I don’t know that I’ve been on there for over a year?

Half-amused, half-irritated, I imagine shocking them with a reply like:

1) The reason I’m still on here is because most of you men my age are fat, ugly, and balding.

2) I tend to date younger men cause they’re hot and fun in bed. But we don’t have much else in common so I lose interest quickly.  (Read more…)

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Lena, 32,  is grappling right now; her head is swimming, her stomach’s in a knot.  She’s scared, she’s angry with her ex, but above all, she’s frustrated with HERSELF.  Why?  Because she’s still have trouble saying/admitting that her ex-husband behaves like a selfish, immature bully, even though that’s exactly what he is.   She can’t stand thinking this way about anyone; it seems so  unenlightened.  She wants to focus on people’s ‘light,’ and give them the benefit of the doubt…

Her best friend has listened to her defend her ex-husband for years.  “You don’t know all the good stuff about him,” Lena  argued.  “He has so many wonderful qualities.  He has so much potential.”

“Of course he has wonderful qualities Lena,” she’s replied. “You wouldn’t have married him otherwise.  But they don’t erase his Dark Side.  Men can be upstanding citizens and  philanthropists and go home at night and beat their wives.  Does all their altruistic work excuse their beating their wives to the pulp?  No.”

“That’s a severe comparison - he doesn’t beat me!”

“Not with his fists, but with his words and through other actions, ” she argued.  “And you need to stop making excuses for him.  He has to held responsible for all the choices he makes, all of who he is…”

Lena saw the truth in her best friend’s words, but even now, almost one year into the divorce, Lena grapples with ‘calling a spade a spade.”  

She says she over-empathizes, over-analyzes and over-sympathizes, to the point where she puts her truth and her Self at risk.  She fears being too judgemental.  She fears hurting someone else in her anger or selfishness.  She fears conflict.  And in the end, she bows down and put others’ needs before her own.

I wonder how many Lena’s there are out there.  Anyone?

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You’re on the phone with your ex, courteously discussing a pending issue related to your kids or your divorce.  Suddenly, ‘it’ happens - his voice turns whiney and he starts singing the poor-me blues. Or maybe he throws in an unexpected mean remark.  Or maybe, just maybe, he decides to start venting - and you find you and your character under attack.

What are you going to do about it?  Get mad?  Get even?  Cry?  Be defensive?  I’ve done them all.  And in the end, they all yielded the same outcome: the pending issue wasn’t resolved and both of us hung up feeling more upset and angrier than before.  What the hell?  You ask yourself.  Why can’t he focus on the issue instead of using our communication as a way to vent/process his feelings?

This is where I step in as a newly divorced mother  to offer (wise) words of advice.  First of all, why he can’t control what he says to you  is NOT your problem to figure it out.  Trust me - the last person he wants to hear advice from is YOU.   Secondly, study the following five words and etch them in you brain:  LEARN TO BITE YOUR TONGUE.  Figuratively AND literally if need be.  The bottom line is that if he can’t ’stick to business’, for whatever reason that may be, your words are falling on deaf ears.  And not being listened to feels even worse than any seconds of pleasure you gain from retaliation.

I’m not saying you should be a doormat and just sit there on the phone taking his abuse;  NO, not at all.  You can calmly say, “You may not speak to me that way. Either call me back when you’re calmer or I’m hanging up.”  Or, if your instincts tell you this issue will not be resolved without emotionally battery, stick to, “You may speak to me that way,”  hang up, and then bring it up with your lawyer.  Please note that I DIDN’T say to threaten him with legal action.  Just bite your tongue, get smart, and talk to your lawyer.  Period.

On my divorce journey, I’ve rarely had face-to-face altercations with my ex.  They ‘ve usually gone down by phone, email or text messaging where we didn’t have to look each other in the eye.  Nonetheless, emails and text messages can be just as upsetting and easily turn to into a war zone.  Here’s how tongue biting applies using these mediums.

When you receive an upsetting or infuriating email, hammer out a response in the heat of the moment but DON’T PRESS SEND, the cyberspace equivalent of tongue-biting.  I know he called you a mean name, I know he’s being sarcastic and slanderous and acting like a total jack-ass.  But you don’t have to buy into it - YOU are the one who’s going to take care of business; you, my dear, are the smarter and bigger person.  

The next step  (and this might be a toughy) is to wait a few hours or maybe even till the next day before reviewing your response letter.  The first thing you do is go to the cc box and type in your lawyer’s name ( a fake address if need be).  Now, go back into your email and rewrite it in a way that portrays you as the level-headed, respectable woman you are.  Stick to business only.  Oh, I know that one sentence you wrote about him being a dead-beat dad feels good - and it’s the truth - but you will delete it anyway and focus on the issue at hand.  Focus, stay clear on the task at the hand, and bite your tongue!

You will be amazed at how quickly your ex will clean up his language if he knows a third person is privy to his emails.  Especially if it’s a lawyer - the fear of legal action is a great motivator.  Also, make sure you inform your ex that you save all his emails.  This might make him mad, but what’s he going to do about it?  Write you another mean email that he knows will go into the legal stockpile?  Believe me, he’ll think twice about his hotheadedness; at the very least, he’ll bring it down a few notches.   

Text messages are definitely one of the easiest, quickest ways for an ex to instantly blast you.  I’ve seen downright Text Wars erupt between couples that get so out of hand, they last for days.  My philosophy on texting the ex is simple:  keep it minimal, ie: only use it for minor details like alterations to the kids’ pick-up times.  I’ve come right out and told my ex that he should email me at home cause I usually don’t carry my phone.  And if he sends me a mean or cutting email, I do the cellphone tongue-biting equivalent:  I don’t respond.  Silence, my friend, speaks volumes in the land of text messages -  just as tongue-biting has a place in the divorce process.

Related Articles: Survival Mode:Existing Post-Infidelity & Divorce,  The #1 Thing I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Divorce

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“Hang tough Delaine - things are going to better.   You really are better without him…”

Many, many times I heard these words from girlfriends when I found out my ex was cheating.  I knew they were right, that at some point things HAD to get better.  But while in the throes of my grief, those words felt empty - nothing but sterile, void sylables.  For I felt like a shell of a woman…numb and shattered on all levels of my being.

I’d been betrayed before by men - in high school and university.  But the pain of marital infidelity was beyond compare.  We’d built a life together, had children, and I’d trusted him with ever ounce of my heart and soul.  How COULD he?  How COULD he jeopardize all we’d created together, stuff that was so meaningful and important, just to get his rocks off?

I couldn’t comprehend it.  It was a full-blown mind-body-heart attack that bludgeoned and shocked me to the core.  In my mind’s eye I could actually see my heart in two pieces.  My chest ached, the rest of my body felt entirely numb, as if all blood flow had been cut off.    I looked at the world around me through the eyes of a lost soul within flesh, cut off from my body’s sensations, imprisoned by my skin.   I couldn’t eat, weight poured off me, and I couldn’t sleep.   God…nighttime, how I hated it.  No matter how exhausted I was, my brain would ruminate incessantly, trying to problem-solve, so anxious to help me find my True North.  I just wanted to turn it all off; to curl up in my darkness of Rock Bottom and disappear.

But I kept going - I existed, and ‘did time.’  At the back of my mind a little voice kept saying, “Just - keep - going.”  I had no idea where I was headed and quite frankly, I didn’t even care - all I felt was numbness.  In my mind’s eye, I could see myself trudging, chin down, through a dark, hostile Wilderness, arms dangling, with the burden of my sorrow on my back.  But strangely, sometimes, from above the treetops, I’d catch a glimpse of my Higher Self;  She was still with me, I hadn’t been abandoned, and it was She who was pushing me forward.  And I wondered: had some part of me CHOSEN to arrive in this  hellish Wilderness?    There HAD to be a bigger reason for it all, didn’t there?

I still don’t know the exact  nature of that reason.  In fact, I’m still not even sure where I’m going.  But I know that time continues to be a saving grace and reveal things to me when I’m ready.  And looking over my shoulder, I have a new yardstick as to far I’ve come and how strong a woman I really am.  And I wouldn’t have learned these things had my world not completely shattered and forced me to reconstruct from scratch.

So with my body as my guide, and a smile that I can now feel, I continue onwards.  Through the ups and downs.  Over the hurdles and unexpected obstacles. This year of my life has been like a school of hard knocks, one of tough self-love.  And the one thing I know for sure is that I’ll never settle for a life of mediocrity again.

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Don’t expect to be friends with your ex.  Not at the start anyways.  This is what I wish someone, or many people, had told me.

I’m not saying you should expect to be enemies; no, not at all.  I’m saying you should aim for something in the middle - like a ‘professional working relationship.’  It should be polite, somewhat distant, but functional.  No more, but no less.

“But why Delaine?”  You ask.  “Isn’t it in our best interest to be friends?  Isn’t it in the kids best interest?”

Because I’ve seen the same negative cycle repeat itself over and over again with me and my ex, AND other divorcing girlfriends:  We start getting along well with the exes, it feels good…we may go the ‘extra mile’ for them in some way like drive the kids somewhere far away to meet them, or invite them in for dinner…and then IT happens:  a mini-bomb, some kind of comment or event that hurts us, angers us, and leaves us spiralling for days, if not weeks. We all thought we were ‘moving forward’, that things were going so well, that we were ‘big enough’ to move beyond the enormity of the divorce crisis…

But we are human.  And we are grieving amidst a huge life transformation - ALL of us are, exes included. And even though it feels good to connect with our exes, even though it seems comfortable in some ways (though in some ways it’s also strange), the bottom line is our sensitivity levels are high, and people grieve in different ways.  Each person needs the time, space and consideration to grieve in his/her own way and if that isn’t offered, if time isn’t allotted to the recovery process, it’s a countdown till explosion.

I really wanted my ex and I to be friends at the beginning for the kids’ sake.  I wanted to ease the transition into their lives, as any good parent wants, of course.  But two things I MUST point out: first, it is very confusing for the kids to have dad at the dinner table one night, only to then have mom in tears for days and ignoring him the next time he comes by for ‘pick-up.’  It’s no good for the kids to have an unhappy mom, period.  And even though we do our best to hide our sadness and anger from them, little ears pick up on our phone conversations with girlfriends.  Little eyes see when we’re vacantly staring out the window with swollen eyes…. You get my point, I’m sure.

Secondly, in my opinion, young kids (which is what I and my friends all have) are less resistant to change than we give them credit for.  Many of the fears I had around the effects of divorce on my kids were just that: mine.  Yes, I had to work hard to ease the change, yes, I had to ’get in the know,’ read books, and always monitor their speech and action for signs of emotional damage.  But children respond to how WE ( us and our exes) are handling the crisis.  If tension, criticism, and anger abound, they feel it, even if they don’t see or hear it.  On the other hand, if they see mom and dad smiling at each other, talking politely, and acting ‘professionally,’ their world seems safer cause mom and dad are showing kindness and setting a good example of how life change can and should be handled.

So this is the #1 thing I wish someone had told me about the divorce process.  Am I a professional divorce coach or counsellor?  No.  Do you have to take my advice?  Not at all.  But I do believe women (and to some degree, men) learn from each other’s stories.   And if I were sitting having coffee with you, what you just read is what I’d have said to you as a friend; one warrior woman to another.

Other Articles:  Fairytale endings: Movies Are Programming My Daughter,  Cheating Spouse: REVENGE!,  I’m a Single Parent…A feeling I’ve always known

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What is true love?  This is a question I bet millions of divorcing people ask themselves, myself included.  After all, we all thought we had it…yet it slipped away.

Ever since I was little girl this concept of true love was sold to me everywhere: the movies, TV, church, within my family.  It seemed the most magical thing , the perfect matching of Yin and Yang, the Ultimate Goal.  But I learned true love also required one other essential ingredient: TIME.  Not just a few years years, but a lifetime.

There is something brave and romantic in the idea of witnessing and sharing one’s entire life with another, through better or worse.  But still, with over two million divorces being filed worldwide each year, I can’t help but wonder:  Is it time for a new definition of true love?

I know I ‘truly’ loved my ex -  deeply and abundantly.  I know I’ll always love him in a special way, even though its nature has changed.  Somewhere in my bones I FEEL that he and I were meant to come together and share and learn all that we have.  The teachings have been immense.  And for that, I am profoundly grateful.  I refuse to denigrate our love, call it anything less than true, simply because it didn’t last forever. 

I don’t believe that the millions of people who divorce are just ‘immoral’ folk who ‘gave up too easily,’ like many argue.  Nor do I think it’s a sign of our social denigration.  I believe two vital messages are being plastered across the heavens for us all to wake up:  1) the real nature of true love and 2) how to accept and process death. 

The Real Nature of True Love: 

I wonder if love is not so much something we find within a relationship, as much as within ourselves.   I wonder if we cling - sorry, ‘love’ - our spouses as much out of fear as we do true love.  “It’s a big bad world out there after all,” we’re taught.  Don’t we find comfort in knowing our partner HAS to stay with us?  They made the vows, they made it ‘legal’, therefore they have to love us regardless of our vulnerabilities, weaknesses and flaws.  We may not be happy with him on a day-today-basis, in fact, he may even disgust us, belittle us, ignore us…but having ’someone’ reassures us we aren’t alone.  So little do we think of ourselves that we stay where we are, inert, captive…but safe.  

I think love of oneself is the ultimate kind of love.  Not arrogant or egocentric love, but a deep, caring, spiritual awareness and acceptance of Self.  If we were to individually achieve such a state, we’d love others more abundantly and unconditionally, not just one partner, but everyone: our extended families, our communities, the divorced children of our neighbors…  This kind of love wouldn’t be exclusive, it would be ALL-INCLUSIVE.  It would look humanity in the face and see the connectivity of all, instead of hiding behind a spouse and one’s children  to feel a sense of identity, purpose and peacefulness.

Accepting and Processing Death:

Death is something we’ve been taught to fear in our culture; we run from it, avoid it, resist it, even though it is intrinsic to all life, even in the dawning and setting of each day. Maybe divorce has become ‘pandemic’ to make us globally confront our beliefs about death and ‘endings.’  We are so AFRAID of it that in a crisis situation like divorce, our fears and anxieties rise up to take centre stage and control our feelings, thoughts and actions.  But if we were taught to manage endings - which are TRANSFORMATIONS, death and rebirth all rolled into one - we’d be more skilled to handle the process from a higher and natural place within us.   We’d put our children first, no matter what.   We’d have more compassionate for our partners.  We’d give ourselves the time and space to GRIEVE, and understand that that grief is not only normal, but an important part of letting go.

I don’t have anything figured out.  Maybe none of this makes sense to anyone but me.  But at the end of a lifetime, whether  ‘love’ happens with one partner or five, one things is for sure: change.     You can run and scream and protest as much as you want.  But when your higher Self comes knocking with a big life lesson, you can’t hide.

Other Articles:  Fairytale Endings: Movies Are Programming my Daughter,  Cheating Spouse: REVENGE!,  Should I Pursue Casual Sex More Regularly?

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“My ex-husband took the kids for the first time this weekend. And my heart is so heavy.”

This message awaited me from a newly-divorcing friend on Facebook this morning.  She was floundering, her free time only reminding her how empty and confused she felt. 

I read her message with a tight chest:  I remember…

Just over a year ago, my own divorce journey began and my-ex started taking our three kids for sleepovers.  I remember the surrealness of the First Time: carefully packing their clothes, writing out a list of activities and reminders, reassuring my kids with the biggest, fake smile ever:  “You’re going to have SO much fun with daddy.”

And then ‘he’ was at the door, lurking in the foyer, not invited in, but here to do ‘pick up.’   Me explaining a few things from the list, my voice too cheery, him not looking at me, while little feet scrambled around to put on shoes and jackets,  The tearful hugs goodbye, again more reassurances, that over-happy voice I used calling out “Bye!  I love you!”  Standing in the doorway, watching my kids walk away, waving and smiling as if they were going out for ice cream.

Then, stepping back into the house – into silence.  A silence so eerie I felt I’d landed on a different planet.  I put away dishes and paced around. I noticed every toy, every belonging of my children.  Here it was – the free time I never had as a single mom.  But it felt empty – ominous. Oh my God, this is really happening.  And I buckled to the floor in tears.    

I’d naively thought that making the final decision to divorce would be the hardest part of the journey – it had taken me three years to swallow that choice.  But of course, divorce is not a decision but a process, one full of many ‘firsts’ that eat you up inside:  like the ex taking the kids for the first sleepover.  Those first times are first steps, followed by second steps and thirds.  And oftentimes, without warning, you take two steps backwards…back into pain, back into the heartache from which there seems no escape or cure.

I sat down at my computer in a frenzied state of purpose: my girlfriend, my fellow warrior, had fallen on her path in the Wilderness of divorce.  And even though I knew that she, and only she, could navigate her way out of that hellhole, I knew she needed me – someone a bit further along the path - to help her regain her footing.   

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