I say without shame that over the past two years since divorcing, I’ve felt lows unlike anything I’ve ever felt before.  It wasn’t just because of experiencing infidelity, though that full-body shock and heartbreak was excruciating.  There were also many other kinds of ‘lows’: feelings of emptiness….restlessness… loneliness.  And of course the big one: FEAR.

Time and time and time again, I asked myself:  “Why is all this happening to me?” And some calm voice in my head would always respond, “So that you can learn and grow, Delaine.  Just trust that there is a bigger reason for all this; this is not your final destination.”   Most times, I could accept that answer, albeit resignedly.   But sometimes I couldn’t.  And I’d beg, scream, even bargain with the universe to “Chuck me a bone,  damnit!”  I just wanted to FEEL my smile again…

As time moved forward,  so too, came the gentle reprieves: a few weeks would go by, maybe even a month, where I’d feel really good.  But inevitably, that would change: I’d suddenly feel awful again, sometimes in response to an external event, sometimes for no apparent reason at all.  I’d examine my pain for a solution, listen to what it was trying to tell me.  And if no response came, I was even harder on myself and more depressed; a terrible downward spiral.  How many shades of unhappiness are there? I wondered sadly. I’d almost yearn for my old married life, if not for the ’predictability’ of it. (read more here)

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