It wasn’t until ’she’ phoned in the middle of the night that Pam became suspicious.  The woman was obviously drunk, her voice a string of slurs.  And when Pam asked, “Who is this?”, all she got heard was “(Giggles) Just a friend…(click).”

The next day, Pam confronted her husband.  Completely taken off guard, he insisted they were “only friends.”  As the confrontation progressed, that soon changed to ”OK, so we were really good friends.”   By the end, he’d even finally gone so far as to admit that “YES…there was ONE time that we kissed.  But I SWEAR we never slept together.”

And what did Pam do with this info?  Why, what any wife/mother of young children who is in total shock would do: she believed him… 

…until she told her best friend what had happened.  She then heard from her girlfriend the words she feared most:   “I think he’s lying, Pam.   He said he only kissed her?  That makes no sense  - who stops at a kiss?   Maybe if he was ten years old…but a full-grown man?  A man who knows how good sex feels?  I don’t think so.  Especially since they were supposedly such “good friends.”” (read more here)

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

Sometimes dealing with an ex can feel like you’re dealing with a child:  you give and give and give….you kindly explain the same thing over and over and over again …yet still they don’t ‘get it.’ And though it’s sad to say - and painful to have to do - sometimes we have to take legal action to make them ‘grow up.’

Perfect case in point – that of my girlfriend Barb:

Ever since she and her ex Brian separated two years ago, he often hasn’t made child and spousal support payments on time.  We’re not talking months late; we’re talking a few days or weeks as he awaited bonus cheques or got out of his overdraft.  This came as no suprise to her by the way – he’d always had problems managing money during their marriage.

Time and time again, she accomodated his need to pay late, which meant shuffling money around in her accounts so she could pay HER bills, and holding off on buying things she and the kids needed.  But time and time again she ALSO reminded him that:

a) she was doing him a favor

b) he really needed to get organized and make it a priority; maybe find a financial planner to help?

c) it really was unfair that in the grand scheme of his financial life, his paying her and the kids was treated more laxly than say, his gym membership, or his vitamin supplements.  Why couldn’t he make late payments to THEM instead of her and the kids?  (read more here)

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

I dare say I’ve had an epiphany in the relationship department; a giant revelation around what I ultimately need.  And though it may seem an obvious component to you, I’m afraid  it’s something I’ve never had before.  And I can’t help but grin cause it came via a most unusual source.

Do you remember my Handsome Good Man?  He’s the widower I met online over a year ago that I continue to write to to this day.  I’ve never met him, never heard his voice, and never will.  But through our most unexpected relationship, which is cyber alone, he has helped lift me out of my divorce grief and overcome my anger towards men.  Moreover it is a result of our online relationship that this revelation dawned on me:  he became my first ever male friend.

When I look back on all my past relationships with men, I can’t say we’ve ever truly been friends.  Sounds funny, doesn’t it?  I mean, we talked and did things together and acted like friends on the surface.  But did I really feel understood and valued and free to be 100% me?  Honestly?  No.  In part that was because I didn’t know myself.  But it also came from jumping into bed too early, and desperately WANTING to be in love; I was in love with the idea of love.  And as for the men I dated since divorcing, the opposite was true – I desperately wanted NOT to love…so friendship beyond anything superficial was out of the question. (Read more here)

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

I say without shame that over the past two years since divorcing, I’ve felt lows unlike anything I’ve ever felt before.  It wasn’t just because of experiencing infidelity, though that full-body shock and heartbreak was excruciating.  There were also many other kinds of ‘lows’: feelings of emptiness….restlessness… loneliness.  And of course the big one: FEAR.

Time and time and time again, I asked myself:  “Why is all this happening to me?” And some calm voice in my head would always respond, “So that you can learn and grow, Delaine.  Just trust that there is a bigger reason for all this; this is not your final destination.”   Most times, I could accept that answer, albeit resignedly.   But sometimes I couldn’t.  And I’d beg, scream, even bargain with the universe to “Chuck me a bone,  damnit!”  I just wanted to FEEL my smile again…

As time moved forward,  so too, came the gentle reprieves: a few weeks would go by, maybe even a month, where I’d feel really good.  But inevitably, that would change: I’d suddenly feel awful again, sometimes in response to an external event, sometimes for no apparent reason at all.  I’d examine my pain for a solution, listen to what it was trying to tell me.  And if no response came, I was even harder on myself and more depressed; a terrible downward spiral.  How many shades of unhappiness are there? I wondered sadly. I’d almost yearn for my old married life, if not for the ’predictability’ of it. (read more here)

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

Like most women, I’m guilty of it too – that is, I often wear black clothes simply because they’re slimming.  And when we feel slimmer, we often feel better about ourselves, right? 

But what if wearing black next to our faces makes our eyes look dull and our skin blotchy and shadowy?   In other words, what if black on most of us, AGES us? 

According to Leslie Davies, a certified image consultant in Calgary, Alberta who provides image training for companies as well as women going through transitions like divorce, ”Black sucks the energy out of your face.”  Color, on the other hand, not only “has energy and gives you energy”, it can be just as slimming as black, yet WAY more flattering. (read more here)

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

Within months of separating from my ex two years ago, I suddenly felt an incredible need to redecorate the master bedroom.   I’m not sure if I did it more as a mental distraction at the time, or if some unconscious part of me knew I needed  to ‘get him out of there” and make a new space just for me.Regardless, redecorating had an astoundingly soothing AND uplifting effect on me.  The master bedroom became MY place to rest and recharge, MY personal space, a reflection of ME …even though just outside the door was a family dream and identity in shambles.

I didn’t have the budget for a major redecorating project.  Nor the heart or energy.  Nonetheless, some major cleaning, some minor purchases, and some fabulous accents completely transformed my bedroom and helped air out my soul.  So here are eight tips for separated women/men to consider…and again, for the soothing energy it brings, I recommend you do it sooner, rather than later.  (read more here)

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

This past weekend I got together with a few of my closest girlfriends for our annual Christmas dinner (no men allowed!). These are women I’ve known for more than a decade – some married, some still single, some divorced.

But as is commonly the case with thirty/forty-something female friends, it was just a matter of time until the topic of sex appeared on our dinner cards. And as is ALWAYS the case, I drove home that night feeling recharged from my friends’ company… and contemplative over two streams of discussion we’d had around sex:

1: How sex should not be about ‘performing’ to win or keep a man. As one of my newly married girlfriends explained, when she was single back in her twenties, sex was more about pleasing the men than considering what she really wanted or needed herself. Even though she was unconscious of it at the time, she used her sexuality as a way to entice men, keep men, make them love her. Sure she enjoyed sex too, but she only realized now just how insecure she once was, and how she’d used her body to represent her soul. (read more here)

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

These days you name it and you can find it in gift certificate form – spa treatments, movies, furniture…  But what do you think of the idea of a ‘Divorce Voucher’ as a Christmas gift?’

A few weeks ago, a law firm in England named Lloyd Platt and Company began offering such vouchers as gifts for the holiday season.  For 125 pounds, each voucher is good for one half-hour session of divorce advice with one of their lawyers, quite a savings since they normally charge 325 pounds/hr ($530/hr).  This means that husbands, wives, mistresses, friends, heck – even kids, can nudge the process along by sticking this paid-for service in a loved-one’s Christmas stocking. (read more here)

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

This past week, Mother Nature unleashed her winter wrath up here in Calgary, Alberta.  We’re talking large dumps of snow and temperatures than hovered between -25 and -40 C  (that’s -12 to -40 F).  And though I’m accustomed to extreme weather conditions being a born and bred Canuck, something REALLY stood out for me during this cold bout:  awareness of my own mortality…and the effect my death or a serious injury would have on my young children.

I don’t know if it’s because my 40th birthday lies on the horizon that I’ve become increasingly concerned (paranoid?).  It also didn’t help when I heard the story of a woman in her late thirties who hit black ice, flipped her car and today is confined to a wheelchair.  Regardless, I realize that there are matters I need to tie up to protect and care for my kids – just in case.  Here are few points you, too, may need to tend to:  (read more here)

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

Last weekend, Carnival’s cruise ship, Elation, hit the mighty seas for what was branded as the first ever, “Cougar Cruise.”  Parting from San Diego, California and porting in Ensenada, Mexico, this three day adventure was marketed as a ‘’sexually charged’  trip of dancing, eating and partying for older women and younger men.  According to the trip’s sponsors, The Singles Travel Company and The Society of Single Professionals, the cruise sold out almost instantly AND they had to hire more staff because the phone was ringing off the hook.

Back in September, when news of this themed cruise hit cyberspace, comments flew all over the place – some expressing disgust and fuming at the double standard (had such a cruise been marketed for older men/younger women).  But there was no denying the playful and excited tone to the majority of other comments from women (and younger men).  (Read more here)

Other Articles:

Adventures On Vacation: Reconnecting With An Old Boyfriend & An Old Part Of Me

HUNG - A Well-Endowed Dad Gets Pimped Out

Do Men Belittle Each Other For Penis Size?

Bookmark It

Hide Sites