His comments caught me totally off guard:

We were out on our second date – me and this handsome, charming, 42-year-old divorced businessman. The Indian food we’d eaten was excellent, as was the conversation we’d shared: satisfying…delicious…with just enough ’spice.’  And as we sat there finishing up the last drops of our red wine, I couldn’t help but think, “DAAhmn – I really like this guy!”

But then the topics of marriage and divorce came up. 

First I got the LENGTHY low-down around how he and his ex had battled for years over money only to have her ‘rob him blind.’   Seeing how upset he’d become, I tried to lighten things up with:  “Well, thank goodness you two didn’t have kids, right?”

But ‘my bad’ – he didn’t, but his divorcing friend Bob DID.  And off he went, describing in excruciating detail how royally screwed over Bob was getting. And oh my – sounded like castration would have been easier for poor Bob. (read more here)

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No doubt today’s subject is controversial and uncomfortable for some…but I’m fielding these questions anyway:  Does how much a man earns at his job affect your decision to date him or continue dating him?  Or do you find such a concept offensive, shallow, and/or insulting to the meaning of  True Love?

After asking a few divorcing girlfriends for their honest thoughts on this matter, this was what I heard:  

“Money shouldn’t make any difference.  Love is all that matters and together, you can build something new.”

“I’m accustomed to a certain lifestyle from being married and yes, I’d like to maintain that…”

“The bottom line is that I’m swimming in the enormity of my responsibilities right now.  So if a man can’t help us out financially, in a way he just becomes one more person to do laundry and cook for.”

“Underneath it all, I want to know he can take care of me and the children financially.  Not that I won’t contribute too; and not that he has to be a millionaire.  But as un-feminist as it sounds, I like it when a man can do more than live from paycheck to paycheck.” (read more here)

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Do you ever wonder if staying in an unhappy marriage for years has made you blind to warning signs as you date again? Are you so accustomed to ‘dealing with’ relationship issues and compromising who you are/what you need, that you continue dating someone who’s already bringing you down?

Take Chuck for example, a man who recently wrote me asking for counsel around a woman he’s been dating for a month now. Although he really likes this woman, to his chagrin, she doesn’t like receiving oral sex. When he tried to talk to her about it, she closed the conversation and laughed: “Hey, consider yourself lucky – I’ll never make you do it so you’re off the hook.”

Then, to make matters worse, he’s noticed that they can be in the same room for hours without her wanting any kind of physical contact – not even as much as a hug. What do you think of her behavior, Delaine? he asked. “What can I do to make things better?” (read more here)

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Like most women, I’m guilty of it too – that is, I often wear black clothes simply because they’re slimming.  And when we feel slimmer, we often feel better about ourselves, right? 

But what if wearing black next to our faces makes our eyes look dull and our skin blotchy and shadowy?   In other words, what if black on most of us, AGES us? 

According to Leslie Davies, a certified image consultant in Calgary, Alberta who provides image training for companies as well as women going through transitions like divorce, ”Black sucks the energy out of your face.”  Color, on the other hand, not only “has energy and gives you energy”, it can be just as slimming as black, yet WAY more flattering. (read more here)

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During a 24-hour period last week, I heard three gloomy outlooks on dating from three different women in their late thirties or early forties.

The first was a doctor, never married, no kids.  She said the men in her age bracket all seemed to want a woman to “look after them.”  And male doctors and successful businessmen didn’t seemingly like the fact she wasn’t dazzled by their career accomplishments or in need of their financial support.  “I highly doubt I’ll ever get married,” she said.  “It feels like it would be more trouble than it’s worth.”

My two other girlfriends’ outlooks were as equally dismal. They claimed that all the men they met either carried some kind of ‘wound’ or there wasn’t enough mental or physical chemistry to make them a romantic interest. (read more here)

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My girlfriend’s dating life is VERY busy. And I salute her for that. Almost two years out of an emotionally abusive marriage, we concurred that her rushing into a committed relationship would be dangerous: she’d probably end up with a bully again and/or losing herself in another man instead of exploring and discovering her own true colors.

The other day, however, as we chatted by phone, a startling revelation arose: even though she appeared to be ”exploring herself freely” by dating four different men, there was more going on beneath the surface. Digging deep we discovered was that all the men she was dating, added-up, were mirroring the same major issues she’d dealt with in her marriage. (read more here)

Other Articles:

POWER: A Scary Reason Why Some Exes Bow Out On Time With Their Kids

Sleeping With A Man After Divorce

Do Online Predators Go After Single Moms?

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A divorcing girlfriend of mine is dating a man who, externally, seems to have it all – good looks, wealth, the trimmings. And inwardly, there’s no denying he is a good, decent man. Together, they seem to make good ‘partners,’ going places, doing projects, having fun…

Recently, however, she confessed: “On some deeper level, we don’t connect – it’s like he only runs so deep and then I lose him. And I wonder, Do I need to be with a deeper man to truly be in love? Or am I looking for, or expecting something, that doesn’t even exist?”

Immediately, I knew how my friend felt – that strange feeling that ‘something’ was missing. It’s a depth. A deeper connection. A place where one feels liberated. Heard. Fulfilled…

It wasn’t that my friend’s man wasn’t kind. Or thoughtful. Or many great things, for he WAS. No - the feeling of lack came from somewhere else within her: it was like he stirred her heart, but not her soul; like her soul was beyond his comprehension.

She said: “A few times during our conversations, I actually felt like I was rambling and talking too much; that whatever I said was insignificant – uninteresting - cause he couldn’t ‘go there’ with me whatsoever. I hated feeling that way. It felt belittling…almost condescending.”

Now THAT was a feeling I knew – THAT was me during my marriage. Not connecting on that deeper level eventually lead to my feeling unheard…and unvalued.  I’d told myself it wasn’t important – that my ex-husband and I were a great ‘team’ in so many other ways. But now I know that was the biggest self-told lie I could tell – for being unheard at that level only ate away at my soul.

I’m not a relationship expert. God knows I’m still figuring out me and men and relationships as I go… But I told my girlfriend to be wary – for I think her ‘depth’ is one of the most beautiful aspects of who she is. And she deserves to be with a man who not only ‘goes there’ with her, but loves and appreciates her for it…

May that be a reminder to me as well.

Other Articles:
Sleeping With A Man After Divorce

Flashing Warning: Separated Men

Survival Mode: ‘Existing’ Post-Infidelity & Divorce

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A close male friend of mine, one whose opinion I value greatly, keeps telling me:  Gypsy (his nickname for me), you are so afraid to fall in love.  You’ve built walls to protect yourself and keep men out, but you must be careful not to become your own prisoner.

Immediately I get pissed at him.  Don’t talk to me about fear, I say. You have no idea how much strength and courage I’ve had to summon. (Read more here)

Other Articles:

The Internet:  A Quick Way to Cheat on Your Spouse

Your Kids Don’t Have to Go Without This Summer: Financial Help for SIngle Moms & Dads

Danger?  Loving Solo & Becoming Set in Our Ways After Divorce

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It was my greatest fear when I began online dating: that a child predator would feign interest in me in order to get to my kids.  And today, though I’m much more comfortable with this medium, AND, I’ve still never introduced a man to my children, it’s always at the back of my mind.

According to Joe Tracy, Publisher of Online Dating Magazine which is a consumer watchdog for online daters, “there are some sexual predators and sex offenders who specifically use online dating services to target single parents in order to get to their kids.  It doesn’t happen a lot, but it does happen.”

Paul Falzone, CEO of Together Dating, says that for most of the 40 million people using dating sites, a disastrous 15 minutes over coffee at Starbucks is the worst they will suffer.  Falzone’s dating site performs background checks on all members and results in 10% of applicants being rejected. 

But Dr. James Houran, a spokesperson and feature columnist at Online Dating Magazine, says we should never rely on dating sites that say they screen out predators.  It is our responsibility to protect our and our family’s safety.

“The best protection is to use your head in matters of the heart,” says Houran.  “Do not get so caught up in the excitement of online dating that you are not constantly alert.  Instead, assume everyone online is a potential predator.”

The following online tips to single parents are recommended by Online Dating Magazine:

1) Never post photos of your children in your profile or anywhere online.

2) Don’t talk about your children in your profile.

3) Don’t mention what gender your children are.

4) If you’re dating someone, wait several months – until you are more serious – before introducing your date to your children.

5) Run a background and sex offender check on the person you’re dating before introducing them to your children.

Please refer to www.saferonlinedating.org to view lists of background check websites by state.

Other Articles:

Self-Loathing & The Cheater

Mmmm…This Makes Me Shiver

Is A ‘Spark’ Essential?

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Are you often drawn to a certain kind of man/woman because of certain physical qualities?  Guys, we often hear about your common love of  curves.  And ladies, what about the lure of tall, dark and handsome?  (I’m waving my hand here - I’m a sucker for that dark mystique!)

According to evolutionary biologist Sharon Moalem, author of How Sex Works: Why We Look, Smell, Taste, Feel, and Act the Way We Do, there are biological-based factors contributing to our attraction.  Men liking curves is pretty obvious: they speak to men’s desire to choose a mate who will successfully carry and rear his children.  But women’s lure towards tall, dark handsome is one that surprised me:

Women need a certain amount of folate (folic acid) in their bodies to have a healthy pregnancy.  Most of us know that and make alterations to our diet or through supplements to reach those levels.  But what I didn’t know is that men need lots of folate in their diets to have healthy sperm (they make about 100 million new sperm every day).

What does this have to do with skin tone?  Well ultraviolet rays, specially UVA rays destroy folate.  This means that the darker a man is, the more protection he has from UVA rays and the less folate that is destroyed.  Add that all up and what does it mean to a single woman?  This man may have healthier sperm!  

Of COURSE there are so many other factors that play a role in our attraction to one another, including  culture, upbringing, and  sexual orientation.  And of course men can alter their diets and take supplements to increase folate to improve the health of their sperm.  I just found Moelem’s studies most interesting - and now when I’m ovulating and eyeballing tall, dark and handsome I’ll have a better understanding some why. 

Other Articles:

Does Penis Size Matter? , The Dreaded Phone Call: We’re on our way to the hospital, A Handsome ‘Good Man’ Helps Restore my Faith in Men

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