It’s been three and a half years since my ex-husband and I split up.  And since then, despite the many dates and mini-relationships I’ve had, I’m still single.  But I don’t think of this as being a ‘bad’ thing ; I think I’ve needed this time – to heal, to grow, to like myself more…and to get a much stronger sense of what a healthy relationship looks/feels like.

That being said, I want to bring up a conversation I shared with a divorced girlfriend the other day; it was a bit of an ‘aha‘ for me and I’m filing it away for reference for when I meet a potential Mr. Right:

My friend suggested that one flashing, yet oftentimes overlooked warning of an unhealthy relationship is when a woman constantly talks about her man’s potential instead of how he is – like right now, day-in day-out.  This woman talks a lot in the ‘future tense’, ie, he will be happy/more loving/more successful/a better father/ spouse when he gets a new job/believes himself more/is less stressed out/ finds his spiritual center etc.   Until he gets ‘there’ – wherever ‘there’ may be, she tolerates his poor treatment of her, buries her unhappiness and hurt (maybe even blames herself for it?), and may even makes excuses for his behavior. (read more here)

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So I spent the wee hours of last Monday night having a ‘private party’ with just me, a bottle of wine, and Alanis Morrisette.  Of course, she was just playing on youtube… but I’ll tell you, the music from her album, Jagged Little Pill, sure did hit the spot  – especially the song, Ironic.  For you see, further to the last ‘date’ I went on, where the guy turned out to be a complete liar, a similar thing happened again a week later with a DIFFERENT guy! 

This man spent hours talking to me on the phone.  He seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me AND he said numerous times that he was looking for a serious relationship.  

But when the day arrived that we were to meet me in person, he didn’t show up.  Not just that, he didn’t even phone!  Nor has he since…just, nothing.

So how is this ironic?  My friend, it’s not because I got duped two times in a row; heck, that happens to the best of us. (read more here)

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His comments caught me totally off guard:

We were out on our second date – me and this handsome, charming, 42-year-old divorced businessman. The Indian food we’d eaten was excellent, as was the conversation we’d shared: satisfying…delicious…with just enough ’spice.’  And as we sat there finishing up the last drops of our red wine, I couldn’t help but think, “DAAhmn – I really like this guy!”

But then the topics of marriage and divorce came up. 

First I got the LENGTHY low-down around how he and his ex had battled for years over money only to have her ‘rob him blind.’   Seeing how upset he’d become, I tried to lighten things up with:  “Well, thank goodness you two didn’t have kids, right?”

But ‘my bad’ – he didn’t, but his divorcing friend Bob DID.  And off he went, describing in excruciating detail how royally screwed over Bob was getting. And oh my – sounded like castration would have been easier for poor Bob. (read more here)

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No doubt today’s subject is controversial and uncomfortable for some…but I’m fielding these questions anyway:  Does how much a man earns at his job affect your decision to date him or continue dating him?  Or do you find such a concept offensive, shallow, and/or insulting to the meaning of  True Love?

After asking a few divorcing girlfriends for their honest thoughts on this matter, this was what I heard:  

“Money shouldn’t make any difference.  Love is all that matters and together, you can build something new.”

“I’m accustomed to a certain lifestyle from being married and yes, I’d like to maintain that…”

“The bottom line is that I’m swimming in the enormity of my responsibilities right now.  So if a man can’t help us out financially, in a way he just becomes one more person to do laundry and cook for.”

“Underneath it all, I want to know he can take care of me and the children financially.  Not that I won’t contribute too; and not that he has to be a millionaire.  But as un-feminist as it sounds, I like it when a man can do more than live from paycheck to paycheck.” (read more here)

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Do you ever wonder if staying in an unhappy marriage for years has made you blind to warning signs as you date again? Are you so accustomed to ‘dealing with’ relationship issues and compromising who you are/what you need, that you continue dating someone who’s already bringing you down?

Take Chuck for example, a man who recently wrote me asking for counsel around a woman he’s been dating for a month now. Although he really likes this woman, to his chagrin, she doesn’t like receiving oral sex. When he tried to talk to her about it, she closed the conversation and laughed: “Hey, consider yourself lucky – I’ll never make you do it so you’re off the hook.”

Then, to make matters worse, he’s noticed that they can be in the same room for hours without her wanting any kind of physical contact – not even as much as a hug. What do you think of her behavior, Delaine? he asked. “What can I do to make things better?” (read more here)

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Like most women, I’m guilty of it too – that is, I often wear black clothes simply because they’re slimming.  And when we feel slimmer, we often feel better about ourselves, right? 

But what if wearing black next to our faces makes our eyes look dull and our skin blotchy and shadowy?   In other words, what if black on most of us, AGES us? 

According to Leslie Davies, a certified image consultant in Calgary, Alberta who provides image training for companies as well as women going through transitions like divorce, ”Black sucks the energy out of your face.”  Color, on the other hand, not only “has energy and gives you energy”, it can be just as slimming as black, yet WAY more flattering. (read more here)

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During a 24-hour period last week, I heard three gloomy outlooks on dating from three different women in their late thirties or early forties.

The first was a doctor, never married, no kids.  She said the men in her age bracket all seemed to want a woman to “look after them.”  And male doctors and successful businessmen didn’t seemingly like the fact she wasn’t dazzled by their career accomplishments or in need of their financial support.  “I highly doubt I’ll ever get married,” she said.  “It feels like it would be more trouble than it’s worth.”

My two other girlfriends’ outlooks were as equally dismal. They claimed that all the men they met either carried some kind of ‘wound’ or there wasn’t enough mental or physical chemistry to make them a romantic interest. (read more here)

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My girlfriend’s dating life is VERY busy. And I salute her for that. Almost two years out of an emotionally abusive marriage, we concurred that her rushing into a committed relationship would be dangerous: she’d probably end up with a bully again and/or losing herself in another man instead of exploring and discovering her own true colors.

The other day, however, as we chatted by phone, a startling revelation arose: even though she appeared to be ”exploring herself freely” by dating four different men, there was more going on beneath the surface. Digging deep we discovered was that all the men she was dating, added-up, were mirroring the same major issues she’d dealt with in her marriage. (read more here)

Other Articles:

POWER: A Scary Reason Why Some Exes Bow Out On Time With Their Kids

Sleeping With A Man After Divorce

Do Online Predators Go After Single Moms?

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A divorcing girlfriend of mine is dating a man who, externally, seems to have it all – good looks, wealth, the trimmings. And inwardly, there’s no denying he is a good, decent man. Together, they seem to make good ‘partners,’ going places, doing projects, having fun…

Recently, however, she confessed: “On some deeper level, we don’t connect – it’s like he only runs so deep and then I lose him. And I wonder, Do I need to be with a deeper man to truly be in love? Or am I looking for, or expecting something, that doesn’t even exist?”

Immediately, I knew how my friend felt – that strange feeling that ‘something’ was missing. It’s a depth. A deeper connection. A place where one feels liberated. Heard. Fulfilled…

It wasn’t that my friend’s man wasn’t kind. Or thoughtful. Or many great things, for he WAS. No - the feeling of lack came from somewhere else within her: it was like he stirred her heart, but not her soul; like her soul was beyond his comprehension.

She said: “A few times during our conversations, I actually felt like I was rambling and talking too much; that whatever I said was insignificant – uninteresting - cause he couldn’t ‘go there’ with me whatsoever. I hated feeling that way. It felt belittling…almost condescending.”

Now THAT was a feeling I knew – THAT was me during my marriage. Not connecting on that deeper level eventually lead to my feeling unheard…and unvalued.  I’d told myself it wasn’t important – that my ex-husband and I were a great ‘team’ in so many other ways. But now I know that was the biggest self-told lie I could tell – for being unheard at that level only ate away at my soul.

I’m not a relationship expert. God knows I’m still figuring out me and men and relationships as I go… But I told my girlfriend to be wary – for I think her ‘depth’ is one of the most beautiful aspects of who she is. And she deserves to be with a man who not only ‘goes there’ with her, but loves and appreciates her for it…

May that be a reminder to me as well.

Other Articles:
Sleeping With A Man After Divorce

Flashing Warning: Separated Men

Survival Mode: ‘Existing’ Post-Infidelity & Divorce

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A close male friend of mine, one whose opinion I value greatly, keeps telling me:  Gypsy (his nickname for me), you are so afraid to fall in love.  You’ve built walls to protect yourself and keep men out, but you must be careful not to become your own prisoner.

Immediately I get pissed at him.  Don’t talk to me about fear, I say. You have no idea how much strength and courage I’ve had to summon. (Read more here)

Other Articles:

The Internet:  A Quick Way to Cheat on Your Spouse

Your Kids Don’t Have to Go Without This Summer: Financial Help for SIngle Moms & Dads

Danger?  Loving Solo & Becoming Set in Our Ways After Divorce

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