Back when I first got separated and started online dating, I was insulted if any younger man called me a COUGAR. In my mind, ‘cougar’ meant older woman in leopard-skin leotards, teased hair and fake nails that wouldn’t quit. I might be in my late thirties, but excuse me, I wasn’t desperate, skanky, OR a tacky dresser!

Now two years into my divorce, I must admit the term is growing on me. In part this stems from me being more confident in my skin - I feel capable, beautiful, and entitled to make my own choices (in the bedroom and in life). The more I think about the predator I’ve been compared to, the more I see it as a compliment. After all, she’s sleek, she’s powerful, she can take care of herself and her own needs, and gosh darnit, she purrrrrrs when she wants! (read more here)

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When I first started dating after divorce, I felt like I’d arrived on another planet.  Not just cause I had no idea how to date again, but because it quickly became apparent that a new ‘phenomena’ had come to town since I’d last visited:  Young Men Seeking Older Women.  And oh yeah -  their holsters were full.

If you’re anything like I was back then, you may frown and tsk tsk at the mere thought of dating or even meeting with a younger man.   God knows I had “rules” – and lots of them.  After all, good, decent women of a ‘certain age’ should only good, stable men of a ‘certain age.’  Right? 

But combine hormonal surges with temptations and opportunities (and ok, maybe a couple of drinks), and low and behold my Old Rule Book got rewritten.  Not burnt – just revised, with a special-edition chapter on self-exploration with the Young Man Kind. (read more here)

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As I continue to wade through the vast sea of online dating, I find myself feeling impatient with myself. Not because I want a man pronto, but because I’m STILL not sure what ‘type’ of man I like. And I wonder, Did I get a chameleon chromosone at birth? Or do I simply have no idea what I’m attracted to in a man?

Over the past week, I’ve briefly chatted with three men online, all of whom I found intriguing on some level. First, there was the older, hot shot executive from New York who wanted to wine and dine me. He appealed to the ‘glamourous’ businessman woman side of Delaine. Then there was the masters student a decade younger than me; I could totally picture myself curling up with him on his stained, secondhand couch drinking a slurpee and chatting about life. Then there was the long-haired photographer dude who drives a Harley to yoga class. What can I say? I’m drawn to creative, deep types who break conventional social molds, too! (read more here)

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So a friend of mine received a proposition this week from a man online. We’re still trying to figure out if it’s indecent. Is it different? Yes. Freaky? Borderline. Is she considering it? Kind of.

First I should mention,she’s met him in person already. He seemed totally normal. He even seemed smart and kinda funny. What did he look like? Well, let’s just say she’s smiling.

Here’s the catch. This large, attractive, very masculine-looking man has an unusual desire: he wants to be her domestic – as in down on his hands and knees, cleaning her toilets and floors and whatever else she wants him to do. (read more here)

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When I was younger (and thought I knew it all), I found it a total turn-off if a man told me he was divorced. Immediately, I thought “failure”, “tainted,” and “person-with-luggage.”

But today, as I wade through the sea of men on dating sites, I find I’ve done a 360 – I actually gravitate more towards those whose status reads “divorced” than those who are “single.” Here’s why:

• Oftentimes, they are fathers. They’ll know first-hand what kind of commitment and lifestyle that involves. AND they probably won’t want me to have a child with them! (read more here)

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What woman hasn’t found herself in this scenario? 

You’re at a bar, chatting with a girlfriend, when all of a sudden, the bartender or waitress suddenly puts an unordered drink in front of you.  “It’s from that man over there,” she says, pointing across the room.  You look over, only to see a man you aren’t attracted to, smiling over at you.  You smile, maybe wave, and mouth thanks.  That’s the least you can do, right?   Two minutes later, when he garners the courage to approach you, you feel obliged to talk to him; after all, that was kind of him to buy you a drink. To turn it down would be rude; a slap in his face, not to mention a waste of his money and a drink.  (read more here)

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This past Friday night, I found myself wanting to get dressed up and go out, but all of my girlfriends were busy. I was frustrated; I didn’t want to spend my limited time off without kids watching a movie at home. But what was the alternative? Go to a bar lounge by myself? No way!

I then began wondering how many divorced women find themselves in this situation. Cause let’s face it – once we hit a certain age, most of our friends are married, have kids and aren’t interested in going out.  (read more here)

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I’ve heard it said that most men are ’simple’ creatures. They love ‘T’ and ‘A’ and think about women’s orifices many times a day. They don’t like drama queens or control freaks. They want women to laugh at their jokes. And NOTHING, I mean NOTHING brings them greater joy than a great blow job first thing in the morning. 

In the recent movie release, The Ugly Truth, actor Gerard Butler plays the role of an obnoxious, rude TV dating coach who tells women the ugly truth about men and relationships.  And for the first part of the movie I despised him: he reminded me of the piggish, unevolved, simple-minded jerks I’ve dated in past. (Read more here)

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Since separating from my ex-husband two years ago, I haven’t slept with many men; in fact, less than a handful.

Oh - let me clarify:  I mean actually sleeping with men. 

This has been the case for two reasons.  One, I haven’t wanted to sleep beside most of them.  And two, I usually have my kids at home and don’t want to expose them to my dating/sex life.

Thus, the few times I have actually slept with men, their presence in my bed was VERY obvious to me.  Sure, the cuddling and stuff was really nice.  But the quality of my sleep was sorely lacking!  

The first man jarred me awake all night with his SNORING.  God, that was a ruckus I’d prefer to forget!  It quickly brought up memories of my ex-husband snoring, especially after a night of drinking whiskey.  The thing is, with my ex, I could get grumpy and shake him hard (or kick him *smile).  But with my new lover, I obviously showed restraint…and I just lay there, staring at the ceiling, listening to the ‘man-sounds’ whistling and bellowing beside me.

Then there was Chad, my now-gone Friend With Benefits.  He had “I’m a  longtime bachelor” written all over his sleeping.  He liked to lie on his stomach; not neatly, on his side of the bed, but in a starfish position.  And as I lay there restlessly trying to find an inch of free mattress, NOTHING would wake this guy up.  I mean nothing.  You could tell he’d never gotten up with a crying baby or toddler who wet the bed.  And when he woke up in the morning all smiling and refreshed, he couldn’t believe I hadn’t slept well too!

And last, but certainly not least, there was the twitcher’.  This man went into a deeeeeeep sleep but would twitch every minute or so.  I lay there waiting for it to pass - It will pass, I thought, willing myself to ignore it.  But two hours later, then awoken for the 20th time, I resigned myself to a loooooog night.

I know some day I will want to have a special man sleep beside me.  And I’ll want him there every night.  And whether he snores or hogs the bed or twitches, I know I’ll just get used to it. 

 But in the meantime, until he comes along, note to self:  Always make sure you can take a nap the next day, Delaine.  Sleeping with men can be exhausting:).

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I gave birth to three kids in three years and I can honestly say their early years were a blur to me; life was INSANE.  And since divorcing I’ve sworn I wouldn’t have another child.  “This body now belongs to ME,” I’ve joked with my girlfriends. 

The other day, however, a girlfriend asked me, “Then why don’t you get fixed if you know you don’t want more?  Especially since you’re so fertile.  You don’t want any ’accidents.’”

At first, I chalked it down to respecting my body - no more ‘operations,’ thanks very much.  Between pregnancy and birth, I think it’s been through enough. 

But then I seriously asked myself:  Would I ever consider having another child?  If I fell in love with a man and it was THAT important to him, might I WANT to carry his child?

Up to this point post-divorce, I’ve focused on the many reasons why I wouldn’t want another child.  For example:

• I want to focus on my career
• I need to focus on the three kids I have
• I don’t want to go back to the sleepless nights and whining and crying
• I want to own my own body

But as I mentioned in my previous blog, my mindset has started to shift somewhat - I’m opening to the idea of another serious relationship.  And with that, come long-lost feelings of sharing and depth and family…all those things that once meant so much to me when I was married.

But am I selfless enough to make the many sacrifices that come with creating and caring for another child?  Or would I stick to Plan A and make the next decade all about me and the kids I already have? 

….

I really don’t know…

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