Loading ...
August 4th 2009
So many feelings. So many many feelings…that I don’t know what to do with.
So I’ll just listen to Meryl Streep. Like she says, “I don’t want to talk. Cause it makes me feel sad.”
April 29th 2009
It may not seem it. But it’s there… deep within him. It is beyond his admission, beyond his self-awareness. But it’s there, eating away at his soul…
His self-loathing.
He may seem all blissfully happy-in-love with her; look at that skip in his step. That skips says that he wants nothing more than to ‘get rid of you,’; you’re a pest that keeps biting him in the ankle. Because of YOU, he can’t move on and be ‘free.’
But you’re not enchaining him, you’re reminding him…of his self-loathing. (Read more here)
Related Articles (Infidelity):
The Internet: A Quick Way to Cheat on Your Spouse, Should Great Sex Be Our Top Priority?, Cheating Scum in the Public Swimming Pool
March 25th 2009
Divorce can easily feel like a drawn-out death. And like an actual death, one must not only go through the grief cycle (bargaining, denial, anger, depression, acceptance) - one must ALSO begin to rebuild.
So today, due to the number of letters I’ve received from people looking for resources, I’m spotlighting two Golden Tools I found most effective on my divorce journey. And let me add - I STILL use both of these resources regularly.
The first is a self-help book called Something More. Authored by Sarah Ban Breathnach, who also wrote Simple Abundance, this latest book will help you dig through the ruins of your life (and heart) to excavate your Authentic Self. I had so many ‘aha’ moments reading this book; I truly can not recommend it highly enough. It’s smart, at times autobiographical, and it also weaves together stories and quotes from women across history who all intuitively knew they somehow weren’t ’truly’ happy. A #1 New York Times Bestseller, Something More is now available in soft cover for $13 US or $17 Can.
The second resource I use is The Secret. And though it’s available in both book form and as a documentary, I found the latter WAY more powerful. No, this film isn’t specifically about divorce - but it’s about creating the life that you want using the Law of Attraction. And let’s face it - after divorce, we ALL need a new compass. I’ve watched it about 10 times.
Below you’ll find the first 20 minutes of The Secret. If you wish to view the entire feature-length film, you can either rent it at your local video store, or watch it online at the official site: www.thesecret.tv. I can not urge you strongly enough: watch it today!
The movie, The Secret (for full-screen viewing, press bottom key, second to the right)
Other Articles:
10 Expert Tips for Internet Dating, I’m No MILF, You’re the SMILF, Friends With Benefits: A Myth, A Rarity, or a Matter of Luck?
March 24th 2009
Almost all women at some point in their lives attract a ‘bad man’; some of us marry him. And by ‘bad,’ I’m not simply referring to men who are drug lords, pimps, or wife abusers. No, “bad men” are regular men who don’t treat us and love us as wonderfully as we deserve. They are, as author Sarah Breathnach puts it, “spiritual disgraces sent in disguise to teach us, through torment, to love ourselves.”
It can be hard to identify the spiritual ‘gifts’ our bad men have brought us – especially if they cheated and left us for another woman. When everything first erupts, we’ll say they’re ‘bad’ and mean it literally, venomously, blamefully…(read more and add comments here)
Other Articles:
The Internet: A Quick Way to Cheat on your Spouse
March 22nd 2009
A couple of days ago, Good Morning America featured a report on cheating wives. And two things about this news-clip stood out for me: one, how society still ’gasps’ when its women who are choosing to have affairs. And two, how the internet is making cheating so easy.
In my last blog, I cited that an estimated 50-62% of married women cheat (Adultery Expert Bonnie Weil). And admittedly, I too gasped when I first read that high number. Men I could expect it from since so many are slaves to their ’see/must screw’ mindset. But women?
I realized how sexist my thoughts were - for what if many women do in fact cheat just because they want great sex? Maybe they just need to feel desirable, sexy and passionate. I wondered, Is there a ‘double standard’ around our society’s compassion for women who cheat verses men? And is this double standard fair? Cause at the end of the day, cheating is cheating regardless of reason….or is it?
In this Good Morning America feature, two ‘desperate housewives’ were spotlighted. One said she chose to have an affair because her husband never wanted to have sex. The second women said her husband was ‘boring’ and paid more attention to their son than to her.
Both of these women used the website AshleyMadison.com to find their lovers. If you’ve never heard of it, Ashley Madison is one of many online dating sites that cater specifically to married people who want to have an affair. And I sat there, mouth agape, as the company CEO revealed that they have approximately 3.5 MILLION members - 70% are men, 30% are women. But he predicts their membership will easily rise to 20 - 30 million, for that is how unhappy many married couples are, and that’s how powerful the internet is.
We all know that the institution of marriage is already on shaky grounds - we’re talking more than 20 million divorces are filed every year worldwide. And of those who stay together, 80% will experience infidelity. So it’s obvious that the easy-accessibility aspect that the internet now presents is going to encourage more and more people to cross the line.
But the question that sits with me with now is: since there’s no stopping technology - and marriages worldwide are already in serious trouble - where the heck are we headed with all this? I mean pig picture stuff here for humanity. Chaos? Total personal and social decay?
Though it may seem like that on first glance, my personal forecast is not all gloom and doom. I think there’s some kind of mass revolution going on that in the long term will lead to our evolution. Just as we needed world wars to plaster big messages across the heavens for humanity to wake up to,I sense the worldwide crumbling of our relationships/marriages is supposed to rouse some vital mass learning in all of us. What that learning is, however, I sure as heck haven’t figured out.
More Articles:
Should Great Sex Be Top Priority in our Marriages? Cheating Scum in the Public Swimming Pool, Surivival Mode: “Existing” Post-infidelity & Divorce
March 19th 2009
Not long ago, a girlfriend of mine had a conversation with her husband that went like this:
“So…did you have fun playing poker with the guys last night?”
“Yup.”
She sat there waiting…finally : “So what do you guys talk about when you meet up?”
He looked at her like she was green. “What do you mean?”
“Do you talk about work? Sports? Sex? Do you complain about your wives? What?” (Read more and add comments here)
Related Articles:
Friends With Benefits: Myth, Rarity or Matter of Good Luck?
February 28th 2009
I was at a public swimming pool with my three kids, playing in the toddler section. A great big bucket of water above us was almost full and teetering to tip. My kids squealed and we all huddled in, arms entwined, heads down…till finally, the much-anticipated water crashed over our heads and backs.
Laughing, I scooted back on my bum and pushed my long drenched hair out of my face.
And that’s when I met his eyes.
He was sitting about ten feet away on a shelf in deeper water, arms outstretched to his sides. Dark hair, muscular chest, maybe 40. And he was staring. Not looking, not laughing, but staring.
Our gaze broke when my four-year-old suddenly jumped on top of me. I continued playing with her and laughing…and I could feel his eyes on me. I looked over at him again - and yes, he wasn’t looking, he was staring.
“Mom, can you get me a life-jacket so we can play in the deep water?” My six year old asked.
I looked over at the life-jackets strung on hooks poolside. Figures I wore my bikini today. “Of course honey,” I replied, standing up in the shallow water. I felt naked as I pulled myself out of the water.
Two minutes later, in another section of the pool, he suddenly appeared about five feet away from me. Jesus, he’s following me! Pretty brazen! This time, when our eyes met, he smiled. Holy shit he’s cute! I smiled back and my stomach fluttered. Then, How bad is this to be ‘picking up’ when I’m out for a family swim!!! Off I went on flipper boards with my kids, thinking Yeah, I’m open to talking to this guy…
Over the next ten minutes, I found myself looking around to see where he was …and he was always close by and looking/smiling at me. I also saw him playing with a little boy, maybe three-years-old. Must be a divorced dad with weekend visitation, I thought. I love watching men play with kids….
Then, a woman appeared.
She stood at the side of the pool talking to him. He handed her his son and pulled himself out of the water. I watched them interact…how his demeanor changed, how he focused on her.
Shocked, I thought: Holy f***. This guy is married!
I shook my head in disgust and continued playing with my kids. Still, I remained a bit bewildered; this guy had been sending me the vibe BIG TIME; unmistakably. And his wife had been in the same room the whole time!
I then thought back to when I married and all the times we’d gone public swimming with our children. And I wondered how many women my ex had brazenly stared at when my back was turned; you know - back when I thought we were sharing wonderful “family time.”
February 11th 2009
“Hang tough Delaine - things are going to better. You really are better without him…”
Many, many times I heard these words from girlfriends when I found out my ex was cheating. I knew they were right, that at some point things HAD to get better. But while in the throes of my grief, those words felt empty - nothing but sterile, void sylables. For I felt like a shell of a woman…numb and shattered on all levels of my being.
I’d been betrayed before by men - in high school and university. But the pain of marital infidelity was beyond compare. We’d built a life together, had children, and I’d trusted him with ever ounce of my heart and soul. How COULD he? How COULD he jeopardize all we’d created together, stuff that was so meaningful and important, just to get his rocks off?
I couldn’t comprehend it. It was a full-blown mind-body-heart attack that bludgeoned and shocked me to the core. In my mind’s eye I could actually see my heart in two pieces. My chest ached, the rest of my body felt entirely numb, as if all blood flow had been cut off. I looked at the world around me through the eyes of a lost soul within flesh, cut off from my body’s sensations, imprisoned by my skin. I couldn’t eat, weight poured off me, and I couldn’t sleep. God…nighttime, how I hated it. No matter how exhausted I was, my brain would ruminate incessantly, trying to problem-solve, so anxious to help me find my True North. I just wanted to turn it all off; to curl up in my darkness of Rock Bottom and disappear.
But I kept going - I existed, and ‘did time.’ At the back of my mind a little voice kept saying, “Just - keep - going.” I had no idea where I was headed and quite frankly, I didn’t even care - all I felt was numbness. In my mind’s eye, I could see myself trudging, chin down, through a dark, hostile Wilderness, arms dangling, with the burden of my sorrow on my back. But strangely, sometimes, from above the treetops, I’d catch a glimpse of my Higher Self; She was still with me, I hadn’t been abandoned, and it was She who was pushing me forward. And I wondered: had some part of me CHOSEN to arrive in this hellish Wilderness? There HAD to be a bigger reason for it all, didn’t there?
I still don’t know the exact nature of that reason. In fact, I’m still not even sure where I’m going. But I know that time continues to be a saving grace and reveal things to me when I’m ready. And looking over my shoulder, I have a new yardstick as to far I’ve come and how strong a woman I really am. And I wouldn’t have learned these things had my world not completely shattered and forced me to reconstruct from scratch.
So with my body as my guide, and a smile that I can now feel, I continue onwards. Through the ups and downs. Over the hurdles and unexpected obstacles. This year of my life has been like a school of hard knocks, one of tough self-love. And the one thing I know for sure is that I’ll never settle for a life of mediocrity again.
January 15th 2009
Keying his car doors. Burning his clothes. Emptying his bank account. Posting photos/ love letters of his affair all over the internet. Telling his boss and all his friends…
We’ve all heard the expression “Hell hath no fury like a woman’s scorn.” Infidelity is one sure way to bring it on. Betrayal hurts like hell.
I’ve been on the receiving end of infidelity twice in the past few years. The first time, it was my husband who cheated. I was up late, nursing my six-month-old baby, while my two-year old and three-year slept in the room next door, when SHE called. Needless to say, my world crashed to the ground in slow motion, taking my breath with it. For months afterwards, I walked around like the living dead, like a dagger was bludgeoned into my chest.
Then it happened again. Not with my husband, but with another man, a man I thought so great and wise and magnificent, that I thought the universe was smiling on me for having survived my husband’s infidelity. But no…. another attack was forthcoming: not only was this man having an affair the entire time I dated him, he had a baby with her; I found out two weeks before their baby was due.
I’m telling you this because I know the excruciating pain of infidelity. I know how it rips out your heart and soul and makes you question everything – life, your identity, love, honour, trust…everything. In your excruciating pain, vengeful thoughts burn in your stomach. In your imagination, it feels good to DO something. NOW. To lash out, to reciprocate the pain. To give him what he deserves. How DARE he have done this? How DARE he?
But I didn’t seek revenge. I didn’t ‘give them what they had coming,’ though many hours were devoted to these fantasies. Why didn’t I?
Because at the core, I knew such actions went against who I am. That my thoughts were the illusion of a quick fix. That in the aftermath of my vengeful actions, I wouldn’t feel good about myself. That their affairs were a statement about THEIR screwed-up, self-centered character – and I didn’t need to stoop to their playing level.
I’m over a year out the other side of this last betrayal. And I am so very grateful for the choices I’ve made, how I held my head high and stayed true to my kind, compassionate, loving self, DESPITE what both of these men did. And I want women to know that how they handle themselves in such time of crisis DOES matter further down the timeline – TO THEMSELVES. I now derive an immense sense of pride and peace from knowing I remained a good person throughout this insanity – it says a lot about who I am. As far as I’m concerned, you really find out what someone is made of when the going gets tough. And these experiences proved to me that I’m pretty fantastic – far more valuable than what I ever gave myself credit for.
