Of all the blogs I’ve written,  One-Night Stands: Qualifiers & Disqualifiers is the one that men I actually DATE say they find interesting and insightful; a glimpse into the female psyche if you will.   In this piece I exhume some of the reasons why I may or may not consider going home with a man.  Cause from a woman’s perspective, not just any ‘body’ will do; she is constantly assessing if he’s worth - and worthy - of her and the effort the next-day logistics require.  In other words, respect, mutual pleasure and good intentions must still be in place, depite the night’s casual nature.

At the end of this blog, I dared suggest that when it comes to one-night-stands, men are less picky; that maybe any ‘body’ will, in fact, do. The men I’ve dated have argued that alas, I’m wrong, that men generally aren’t that callous, and want respect, good intentions and a dash of magic too…

Well guys (I’m grinning)…Hate to burst through your defense line!  This comment just in from an exemplary member of your sex:

Whatever you need to tell yourself , honey.

Here is your answer to your “THE MORNING AFTER” problem. There is no such thing as the  “morning after”.

For one nighters…  a man should never take a woman back to “HIS” place.

YOU TAKE HER HOME TO HER PLACE.
And then he LEAVES.

Period.

When done…. we just towel-off big Jim and the twins and get the hell out of there.

There will be no sleeping over. No need to drive you home. No “going to brunch” obligation. No daylight hitting your face. No staring at your ceiling, or accidentally stepping on your cats.

Solved.

Don’t worry guys - I’m still grinning.  Guess this man is one of the simple-minded, piggish jerks I wrote about that you and I both roll our eyes at.  Why do I have the sneaking suspicion that “Big Jim” ain’t quite so big?  *grin.

Other Articles:

Hiding My Tears From My Kids

You are NOT Your Story

Friends With Benefits: One Step Closer

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Over a year ago, when my best friend Hali and I found ourselves newly separated and back out in the dating trenches, we kept hearing the term “Friends With Benefits.”   We both liked the sound of it and decided it was something we wanted.  After all, we weren’t ready for serious, but we wanted to have sex.  Thus a sexual ‘friendship’ verses a love relationship seemed the perfect alternative.

But to this day, such an arrangement has been elusive.  And Hali maintains that FwB is a ‘myth’.  This is what we’ve discovered:

1) one person can end up more emotionally invested in the relationship than the other and wants ‘more’

2) no matter how open minded people proclaim themselves to be, they have a hard time knowing that the other person is still actively dating and potentially having sex with someone else

4) the ‘rules of play’ are grey and ambiguous - is she supposed to wait until he calls her?  Or vice versa?  Or is it open-ended?  And at what time of day/night does it apply?  And how many times can he/she says “I’m busy”, (which is rejection) , before the other person feels disrespected and bows out?

5) the ‘friendship’ part is underdeveloped.  Can they watch movies together or go out for dinner too?  Or is it strictly sexual and only to transpire at one person’s house?  What are the boundaries for sharing other aspects of their lives: work, family, love/sex, interests, dreams etc.?

I’m not so sure I’d go so far as to say the FwB arrangement is a ‘myth’ like Hali does.  Cause I’ve heard men say they’ve had it.   I guess I should have asked them more questions about it - dug a bit deeper and found out what it really looked and felt like.   Cause maybe a level of communication is required in order for it to be fulfilling.  Or there again, maybe a level of DETACHMENT predominates the arrangement, and the word “friend’ needs new definition.

Other Articles:

I’m no “MILF”. You’re the “SMILF”.  Goodbye Husband, Hellooo G-spot!  One-Night Stands: Qualifiers & Disqualifiers

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In my previous blog, I wrote about how I’d been chatting with a man who unexpectedly told me he has herpes.  I was trying to decide if I should even bother to meet him in person…

Early Friday evening arrived.  (I was suppose to meet him later)  All dressed up and feeling fabulous, I went, as planned, over to my girlfriend’s house for a vision board party with some of my great girlfriends.  And as the wine flowed and we dove into chocolate cupcakes, my best friend Hali asked me:  “SO…are you going to meet him later?” 

I smiled and shook my head.  “No,”  I replied.  “I figure it’s just not worth the risk.  Especially given where my head is at these days… If I were ready for serious I’d probably consider it.  But I just want great sex and freedom; not complications.”

I shifted in my bar stool and shook my head.  “I’m stll irritated though.  I finally meet a guy that I’m kind of into, AND he’s a Dom, but he damn well has herpes!  Am I going to have to wait ANOTHER year before I get to explore this Dominant/submissive stuff or what?  It’s frustrating!  Good looking Doms don’t come along every day.”

She replied matter-of-factly:  “You will meet another Dom Delaine - one who doesn’t have herpes.  I think the universe is just testing you.”

“Testing me?”  I replied whimsically.  “Or teasing me?”

“NO, you were being tested.  This scenario is no different from the kinds of tests you faced last year when you were running around with your heart on your sleeve desperately trying to find love.”

“What?”  I asked confused.  This made no sense to me.  Sure, when I first got divorced my attitude towards dating and sex was way different than it is now.  Sure I was frantically trying to fill up the whole in my heart and looking for ‘any’ man to give me a sense of self-worth.  But those days were long past; that insecure Delaine had grown a backbone.

Hali continued:  “Don’t you see?  It has everything to do with settling for less than you deserve.  A year ago you would have easily lost your Self in another relationship had you been given the chance because that was your habit - you did it all throughout your marriage and would have done the same again. If you’d decided to date this man with herpes and put you health at risk, you’d have been settling for less again. ”  She put her wine glass down at looked me in the eyes:  “At the core, this situation is no different:  it’s about believing you deserve the best and not settling for less.  You were being tested.”

I sat there moth agape.  Slowly,I began nodding my head; she was right. 

 Hali continued:  “The universe continues to test us Delaine.  No matter how far we think we’ve come, there are deep issues that we confront over and over and over again to make sure we REALLY got it.”  She smiled.  “And you ‘got’ this one; you passed the test.  Congratulations.”

I then spent the next six hours having the time of my life, chatting and laughing with my girlfriends.  “Yeah,”  I thought as looked around the room of my friends.  “He was a test.  And I did pass.  And this time tonight with my girlfriends was what I really needed, NOT a date with him.”

Little did I know that at 12:30 a.m. when I finally arrived home, the universe was going to ‘reward me’ for my choice.  But that’ll be my next blog:)

Other Articles:  Psych Yourself Up & Go Out Anyways!,  Why Women Get Divorced!  (video),  Survival Mode: Existing Post-Infidelity & Divorce

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By the end of her marriage, she’d given up trying to have a G-spot orgasm; she thought maybe anatomically she couldn’t have one.  But one night, post-divorce, that G-bomb came out of nowhere:  KA-POWEE!  It was a back-arching, soul-screaming Hallelujah! 

Afterwards however, she was freaked out – AND embarrassed.  Cause it happened with a man she hardly knew.  

Why Him? she wondered.  More importantly, why NOW?  Why hadn’t it happened with her husband, someone she loved, or at least someone she’d dated more than twice?

She figured age was a contributing factor; she was closing in on forty after all.  Or maybe it happened because she’d had kids; perhaps something got shook loose in her uterus during childbirth?  Or maybe, just maybe, it was because she was more in tune with my body.  But that made no sense whatsoever – she was still reeling from her ex’s infidelity when it happened, not eating, not sleeping, not exercising…

But then a new thought zoomed in for landing:  “Maybe the why didn’t matter. It happened when it happened just because she was ready.  Maybe she was simply meant to experience it for the ecstatic pleasure it gave her – period.” 

All she knew for sure was that her body’s new talent thrilled her.  If she’d remained married, where, by the end, her sexuality felt confined behind cold bars, she’d never have experienced anything close to this.  Moreover, the timing of it suggested that there was more to her, more to her body, more to life than she’d ever imagined.  What else what might life post-divorce unleash in her?

Other Articles:   The #1 thing I wish someone had told me about divorce,  Divorce Pain:Alone Without Kids for the First Time, My Ex Scowls.  And I Smile - For our Kids.

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