Relationship Warning: Do You See His Potential or Who He REALLY Is?
It’s been three and a half years since my ex-husband and I split up. And since then, despite the many dates and mini-relationships I’ve had, I’m still single. But I don’t think of this as being a ‘bad’ thing ; I think I’ve needed this time – to heal, to grow, to like myself more…and to get a much stronger sense of what a healthy relationship looks/feels like.
That being said, I want to bring up a conversation I shared with a divorced girlfriend the other day; it was a bit of an ‘aha‘ for me and I’m filing it away for reference for when I meet a potential Mr. Right:
My friend suggested that one flashing, yet oftentimes overlooked warning of an unhealthy relationship is when a woman constantly talks about her man’s potential instead of how he is – like right now, day-in day-out. This woman talks a lot in the ‘future tense’, ie, he will be happy/more loving/more successful/a better father/ spouse when he gets a new job/believes himself more/is less stressed out/ finds his spiritual center etc. Until he gets ‘there’ – wherever ‘there’ may be, she tolerates his poor treatment of her, buries her unhappiness and hurt (maybe even blames herself for it?), and may even makes excuses for his behavior.
Now please, let me clarify: I’m NOT saying you should high-tail it out a relationship as soon as a rough patch arises in your partner’s life; we all go through those. I’m talking about something much more insidious - it’s like a self-defeating, ongoing ’dynamic’ that women may unconsciously get trapped in. And I think some of us need reminding to clearly see someone for who he is and how he makes us feel…instead of who we hope and dream him to be.
Of course my hand is waving in the air here - cause my tendency in past relationships has been to allow my romantic notions of who someone is to blind me. Actually, it’s more than just my romanticism – it’s that I want to see the good in someone and focus on that. I’d always thought that was a good thing…
But the problem is that there’s a fine yet dangerous line between believing in someone’s soul potential and seeing things that aren’t there and possibly never will be in this lifetime. If he’s grumpy and mean and disrespectful to me now, chances are he’ll continue being this same way even when factor A, B or C is accomplished. There’s a good chance that who he is NOW, how he treats me and the kids right now, is exactly who he’ll always be. And unless he decides he wants to rise into a bigger, better man, unless he decides he wants to treat me with the love and care I deserve, I’ll forever be living in an excuse-filled fantasy world that damages my soul.
Like I said, I’m filing this tidbit away for future reference with a potential Mr. Right. Cause next time round, I want to do it righ
t - and this will involve my focusing more on how I feel NOW versus ‘some day’. I’ll also be paying closer attention to how I talk ‘out loud’ to my girlfriends about a man – cause really, that’s me thinking/feeling out loud, possibly even giving voice to incongruities. And the bottom line is that if what I’m saying sounds like a skunk and smells of a skunk, then goshdarnit, he IS a skunk. And I’m done with weasels.
Delaine
4 comments
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Oh my goodness! This hit dead on with me! I spent 14 years seeing the potential my husband could have had. We need to teach our daughters to try not to “fix” a man. For whatever reason many of us women feel the need to improve the men we are with. I honestly think that if women quit taking men who do not meet their expectations in the first place, this would raise the bar for men. Men in society would naturally work towards having certain attributes so they would be a desirable mate.
I agree Carrie – we DO need to teach our daughters to value themselves beyond this kind of relationship dynamic. I’ve noticed that my daughter, even though she’s really young, tunes into relationships and feels them in a way I didn’t witness with my boys. Thus I play little question games with her periodically where I’ll ask her questions like: If a boy calls you names or puts you down, would you still want him as your boyfriend? If he says means things to your face or is grumpy all the time, would you keep him? Even if he’s handsome? Of course, I have no idea if what I’m doing will serve her in future but I figure it won’t hurt. I’m trying to lay the groundwork and getting her thinking – not just feeling – about people and how she feels about herself.
That being said, I also do the same with my boys. They’re still under the age of ten but I’ve noticed how they suck up what they see in music videos and TV shows that send some superifical messages out around what it means to be a teenage boy and man. I ask them what they think of what they’re watching – the power, the girls, the fancy clothes…I just hope that by keeping this window of communication open, they’ll question/doubt what they watch and learn to think for themselves when real life situations arise.
Carrie and Amelia,
I did the same thing for years and years with my ex. Made every excuse in the book for him, trying to encourage him to reach the potential I saw for him that he had no desire to reach himself. He thought things were perfect the way they were and didn’t see the need to change or improve himself or his situation for me, or his kids or anyone.
I have taken a much more realistic view of my current boyfriend and use the rules that I found in the book “Prince Harming Syndrome” as my guide to help me find a good relationship. I’m not saying we don’t have our bad days or rough moments, but when you break it down the reality is that he fits all 5 of the rules. I accept him for who he is right now. I see the good and positive in that. I see how he tries to set a good example for my kids of what a good loving adult relationship should be (something they NEVER saw between my ex and I).