Dating Someone Who Lives Out of Town – Worth The Time & Effort?
Since divorcing, I’ve dated a few out-of-town men. These men were whirlwind romances that I KNEW would go nowhere – our geographical distance was too great. Nonetheless, these relationships were exactly what I needed at that time to help me find my bearings in the dating trenches soon after separating from my former husband.
Recently, however, I’ve noted a shift occurring in what I want – I’m ‘slightly’ closer to wanting a REAL relationship. The mere idea of that scares the heck out of me in many ways…yet there’s no denying, I’m opening to the idea.
Enter stage left – a man who lives out of town – maybe three hours drive away. We’ve gone out on a couple of dates now. And though I’m not throwing myself into him, I do quite like him. And for the first time ever I’m wondering, “IF this were to go anywhere, wouldn’t the long-distance logistics be a total upstream battle?”
Cause he has a great job and life in his city. I wouldn’t ever want to move there. My kids have been through enough upset since the divorce – relocation is not what they need. So why invite the chaos and potential despair in my life by continuing to date him?
Oh, I know I’m very pragmatic. I also know I’m reading too much into a relationship that hasn’t even gotten off the ground. But I don’t want to live in an idealistic bubble; I don’t believe in fairytales anymore, nor in the great sacrifices people make in the name of Love.
So I’m putting it out there to you: Do you think out-of-town relationships are doomed from the start? Especially when one person – or both people – have children?
At this point (two years into my divorce), I honestly just don’t know…
(WRITTEN YEAR TWO POST-DIVORCE – Is this an issue YOU”re facing now?)
9 comments
I KNOW it’s possible for long distance relationships to work because I had one for two years and he is now my husband. It may take a bit more work and a bit more patience than other relationships, but they are well worth it. Don’t rule it out before you give it a go!
We’ll see, mine seems to have been put on the back burner for reasons that I don’t fully understand. I’m not writing it off, but don’t know even what the short term future may hold…if anything. Interested in others opinions/comments here.
This is a situation where I believe you should allow your heart to lead.
Live in the moment. Enjoy this new relationship and see where it goes.
If you find someone either now or in the future who loves you and your children you may be surprised what all of you are willing to sacrifice “in the name of love.”
OK, time for that making 2 columns thing. What do you have to gain? What do you have to lose? I hate to be a stick in the mud but you have to consider some significant issues in long distance relationships–there can be a heap of frustration, not enough time to be together, difficulty communicating, and then difficulty finding solutions to difficulty. They are hard as heck to navigate– not to say that some don’t turn out to be amazing. Is he amazing???
Well, I wish that my LDR lived only 3 hours away. I could deal with that. Mine, however, lives 12 hours away. He knows that I can’t relocate without a court order out of my county, let alone out of state. And to be totally honest, the school district where I live far exceeds the schools in his area. I can’t see moving my kids away from my family, their friends and even as much as I would love to, their dad for what he’s worth. So for the sake of my kids, moving there isn’t an option until they are 18. That being said, he is amazing and totally worth the hours we spend on the phone and the few times we are able to get together live and in person. He is also making plans to move back here and start up another store here so that he can be closer to me and his mom. He is a frustrated by the distance as I am but doesn’t want to rush into making a move or changing his business without planning it first. He constantly reminds me that the wait will be worth it and we will be together soon, and asks me to be patient.
Susan, is this the man you knew from back in school? It sounds like he is very committed to making this work and knowing all that you’ve been through, his devotion must feel fantastic to you! It feels so good when a partner offers up that strength and can-do attitude – makes us feel special and worth it, too.
I can imagine the distance issue is very frustrating – 12 hours is far. But then again, maybe it’s designed this way so you two take it slow – maybe that’s what you really need.
Delaine,
Yes it is the same man. And I agree that the distance and taking it slow is a good thing for both of us. I think our first inclination would be to rush head first into things without thinking (just going with the feelings of attraction, lust, etc….) and this is making us both work harder and plan things out so that when we do get together it will be smooth (or at least smoother) sailing. His devotion is amazing and makes me feel wonderful. I love it when he refers to me as “his girl.” He’s learning my history and I’m learning his and we are both trying to be sure that we don’t make the same mistakes this time around. Being patient is hard, especially on those days when I want him here NOW, but I’m trying my best. Even if/when he moves here to PA, there are no guarantees that he’ll even be close, still may be a few hours away, but that would be a small sacrifice in my eyes.
Susan, despite the distance issue being a total pain, I am SO happy you’ve connected with this man. When a man goes to lengths to make a woman feel special and ‘take care of her’, it is truly the most beautiful thing ever (smile).
I have a few divorced gfs who are in new, serious relationships now. And they all report the same thing: that is, they work on their new relationships in completely different ways than they did their marriages. I guess it comes down to them having learned from thier past mistakes and genuinely striving to connect with thier boyfriends in new and better ways. It sounds like you’re on a similar path, Susan. You’ve certainy grown and learned a LOT these past couple of years. And I know it’s going to serve you. XO
Gotta love it when he calls and the first thing out of his mouth is “I miss you, I love you, and I still want to marry you (for the record, he’s asked twice already – I haven’t said yes or no, he’s being very patient and waiting for me).” I am approaching this very differently than I did my marriage and even previous dating relationships. I hope that I’ve learned from my mistakes and am strong enough to deal with the challenges that this relationship will bring. The distance is one, but another is that we lead very different lifestyles (he’s a musician and although he isn’t on tour anymore is very busy with his music store, lessons and shows on the weekends). I know he wants me to move down to GA, and if I didn’t have my kids I’d go in a heartbeat. Reality is that I can’t move without a court order and I’m not sure that it would be in my kids best interest…..so I’m hoping that he can make something work up here until the kids are grown. I don’t know if I can do a long distance relationship for the next 8 years, especially with the distance being so great.