My Top Three Turn-Offs About SOME Divorced Dads
On the heels of my positive article called Seven Reasons Why I Like To Date Divorced Men, I now want to disclose the top three things that turn me off dating some divorced DADS. Please read that again – I said SOME divorced DADS. And no, this is not meant to undermine the positive stuff I said in my other article.
Turn off #1: They moan and complain about having to pay child support and/or alimony. There are very good reasons why the laws are the way they are and men are required to pay support. Do they always seem fair? No. Can it make life challenging, if not downright tough for awhile? Absolutely. But there are two sides to every story in divorce, and quite frankly, no matter how a man tries to convince me he’s been totally screwed over, I don’t buy it. He has financial obligations to his children – PERIOD. If he has to pay spousal, those are his responsibilities too. If the situation is truly THAT unjust, he should bring it before a judge. Otherwise, he needs to accept that this is the way it will be in the short term, stop complaining and MOVE ON.
I know it can be really hard to be a divorced dad – in many ways. And I know it sucks having to get up every single day, go off to work, deal with that stress, only to juggle parenting with doing laundry, exercising, cooking meals, and running errands. But that doesn’t abdicate you from your financial responsibilities. Nor does it give you free reign to devalue your ex and her life; who are you to put a dollar amount on her head? Why should you complain about paying her to validate the busyness of your life? Your personal happiness is not based solely on what’s in your wallet so stop acting like she took away your soul. I want to know that your spiritual evolution has surpassed the value you place upon your wallet.
Turn off #2: They sing the woes of being a ‘single dad’, when in fact, what they REALLY are is a ‘part-time dad.’ A single dad is a man who has half-custody or more of his children. He really understands what goes into being a parent and understands the challenges and complexities of his job. A man who sees his kids every other weekend or in any part-time capacity does not merit that single dad status. Whether he knows it not, his ex’s parenting responsibilities far supersede his and are deserving of respect. Chances are, he doesn’t even know what half of them are.
Turn off #3: Part-time dads who attempt to bow out of their scheduled time with their kids – and are self-righteous about it. Men who say their kids are important but don’t show it through actions don’t have their priorities straight. I find it shocking how many men religiously carve time to go to the gym or promptly attend business meetings, or participate in monthly golf tournaments, yet they are consistently late and/or cancelling when it comes to their scheduled time with their kids. I’m not saying it isn’t challenging at times. But in the end, we always make time for that which is truly important to us, so excuses become nothing more than lame-assed excuses very quickly. If a man wants to gripe and complain instead of tackling his new life challenges with intelligence, integrity and a sense of humour, sorry – I don’t play the violin; life is too short to listen to the non-stop whining.
34 comments
Stay away from my Ex-husband. You have just described him to a “t”. I know you and I have said this before but after that I am really starting to wonder if we didn’t divorce the exact same man. It was like I could have wrote that post… and many others that you have wrote… it was like you took the words right out of my mouth. Great post! Keep up the great work.
I agree with everything you’ve said here and I’ll also say that the majority of people who fit these descriptions were probably exactly this same way before the divorce. In fact, this was probably a HUGE deciding factor in the divorce. In-equities and immaturity become more obvious to outsiders after divorce involving children because one parent is no longer “covering” for the other. If both parents were active, involved and supportive (including financially supportive) pre-divorce, they typically stay that way post-divorce. People who fit your descriptions probably aren’t suffering some post-divorce hard times so much as finally showing their true colors to the world.
Creating new, individual after divorce requires that both parents pull up their socks and roll with the changes/challenges. Like it or not, we’re about to get a crash course in change and personal development!
So for me, for example, who has been a stay-at-home mom for eight years, I’ve had to work super hard to carve a new career for myself. I’m getting there – it requires a lot of me, and sometimes it just plain sucks. But you know what? I KEEP MOVING FORWARD. And with a smile on face most of the time.
My hope for part-time divorced dads is that they,too, can ‘extend themselves’ and rise up into wonderful, involved, competent parents. But for that to happen, they have to value the job and work away at it through all the growing pains; hey – parenting is hard work!
At some point we all have to stop griping about how much tougher we have it than our exes and just MOVE FORWARD!
Ouch. There are times it is best to just keep one’s mouth closed and walk on by. This would be one of those times for yours truly.
Barry – Where’s the fun in that????
Ahhh Barry…you know I wrote this article for CRAPPY part-time dads only. If I personally knew any crappy moms, I would write bitingly about them too, but again – I don’t know any. This whiney part-time dad syndrome, however, seems to be fairly widespread. And it’s just SO dull and old.
Ok. Since you insist I will tread lightly. Statistics show that most single dads pay their support. Statistics also show that most single dads would like to have as much contact and involvement with their kids a possible. The courts should automatically start at 50/50 no questions asked unless special circumstances.
Every dad I know who is going or has gone through the process, seems to start behind the eight ball and seems to have to prove they deserve custody rights. Statistics also show that moms who are required to pay custody are worse than single dads. Of course I understands the number of single dads paying are much higher.
Single dads who are deadbeats get most of the press. After all, how much fun would a single moms website be if she raved about how wonderful her ex husband is . Not many of those sites around because they are not vocal.
Having said that, if your ex’s are deadbeats, string’em up and let him drip dry! My experience is that dads love their kids and want to spend time with them.
The biggest problem I hear about child support is that there is no checks and balances. No way of knowing how the money is being spent. Even though the mom probably needs the money, it still is the toughest check to write to the Ex. If the dad knew the money was going directly to the children’s needs and not to a new outfit, it would be easier. I am not saying that is what happens! Moms need the money I get that. But just role reverse. You are sending a check to you ex husband and can’t pay your own bills because of the payment.
Please understand, I am not saying the men should not pay, just giving a little psych behind the issue. Throw in the anger, hurt, disgust, (add any adj) and the money thing ends up being nothing about the children. Also add in antagonistic words from each attorney, and you have a powder keg ready to explode.
I think single dads just get tired of being kicked around. Times are changing. Dads are involved.
If you go to my website you will see articles I have written about this subject. I am a huge supporter of single moms and what they do and endure. If you listen to the interview I had this past week I think you get that message as well.
Ok, I am rambling and probably am being escorted to the door . You know I love you women here or I wouldn’t be stopping by.
Bottom line, pay the support and pay on time period. Never, ever use kids as pawns for money or visitation.
Your site is very entertaining and fun. Here I go now, slowly, couching and ducking, slithering out the back door.
Barry, I love hearing about the good guys! It helps balance out the stupidity of my ex As Delaine said, we write what we know and in my case, unfortunately, that’s an ex who has never paid any child support (in two years of divorce), flakes out on attending kiddo functions at the last minute after promising to be there and takes the kids about 1/3 of the time allotted him in the divorce and then whines about how rough his life is. He’s only worked about 6 months out of those two years, so he has an excuse for the lack of child support, but any parent who can sit around all day doing nothing but drawing unemployment ought to be able to make it to Open House. However, he behaved the same way while we were married, hence (at least partly) the divorce. I honestly expected exactly what I’ve gotten and it does seem to be the norm in my particular little piece of the world. Maybe there’s something in the water here???
stereotypes exist for a reason.
Being on the other side of the stereotype is challenging.
Neither my ex or myself pay child support, but i pay school for our daughter and she pays half by sending me a check. It has bounced at least 2 or 3 times, i understand but i also see my ex with brand new shoes (not payless) and has been on vacation many more times than i have than I have (with the person she left our marriage for).
I have 50% custody and my daughter is with me in that time. There is no ducking of responsibility, that is my favorite time. I hate the single trying to find a date life, for me it is not fun
Being a parent is hard, being a single parent is more hard.
Barry – First let me commend you for speaking up! AND doing so with eloquence. The goal of this site is to have intelligent, civilized conversations and discussions, not name-call or viciously attack the opposite sex. My point is…we’re listening; not just going on the offence. This isn’t a war, and I actually really like you men:)
The one thing you wrote that stood out for me is how men paying support wish they knew the money was being spent on the kids. I have no idea how women could be held accountable for that, and in all honesty, I’m not sure they should be. Cause from my perspective, you can’t place a tangible dollar amount on all the love and attention and energy that a mom pours into her children when she has them full-time. And I think that’s more valuable than the $50 of support she spends on getting her hair done. Men need to understand that a woman often has to rely on child support to get by because all her extra energy goes into the kids, not work or personal time, like many men have the freedom to do.
You seem to know men who really understand what’s involved in being a great parent; I’m afraid I can’t say the same. I see and hear men who talk the talk, but the delivery isn’t there. That being said, I hope that will change.
Jason – I’m sorry at your cirumstances with your ex. I can sense the sadness and disillusionment you feel for being betrayed by your ex-wife. That she has bounced several cheques only pours salt in the wound.
The one thing I’ve definitely learned since I started writing online is that men bleed and hurt the same as women do when it comes to betrayal and abandonment. I know there are good men out there who are faithful, who do have their priorities straight when it comes to their kids, and my dating again has been inspired by my faith that such men exist. It IS tough trying to date again when you know what you want yet it hasn’t appeared. But I like to think of my marriage as my ‘warm-up’ – vitally important steps I had to take to help me come closer to finding real love.
i second that motion! lol. the first thing i ask men with kids is “do you pay your child support?” Then i ask “what did you contribute to the downfall of your relationship?” . those two questions and the WAY they are answered (tone, blame laying, etc, not just the answer itself) tells a LOT about a man. my ex is a shmuck, but that doesn’t mean i didn’t contribute ANYTHING to the downfall of the relationship.
to give you hope, i met one guy who actually paid enough child support for his ex to be a stay at home mom until the daughter was in school. and he never said a harsh word about his ex, only that she is a good mother. he even gave up custody because she lives in another town with the daughter’s siblings, and he travels there to visit her regularly, but thought it best the daughter not be separated from her siblings. now THAT is a MAN!
Jane, those two questions you ask are very tell-tale and I’m filing them away. It’s really about assessing if someone has moved on with digity and grace, isn’t it? How people handle the pitfalls and challenges of life says so very much about who they are.
actually, for me it’s whether they take responsibility for their actions. as well as the dignity and grace. and whether they put their children’s needs first, above anger, above wants, above inconvenience. and whether they shield their children from the inevitable BS that comes with separation.
Delaine, I completely agree that every divorced Father with shared custody has a financial obligation to pay child support as does a divorced Mother if the Father is the custodial parent and she was the primary breadwinner. The sticky part is determining the amount, and my gut feeling is in most cases the ex-spouse paying inevitably feels it’s too much and the ex on the receiveing end feels it’s not enough. The problem is that the support determination by the courts is largely a snapshot of the current financial landscape and is based on the assumption that the financial statement will not change drastically for either party. But things do change. Problem: Is it worth it to drop a $2000-plus retainer for an attorney on both sides of the coin because as things have changed over time now one party is either overpaying by, let’s say, $90-120 a month, or the other party is being underpaid by some similar amount? i vote no – it just doesn’t make sense, and that’s making a big assumption that any divorced parent has an extra couple of grand just lying around for a retainer anyway. Someone will grumble under their breath but take the 4 grand and put it in a college fund in that case and move forward. I think good Dad’s will also pitch in for the unexpected major expenses that come up.
Jane: I think many fathers act with the intention to maintain dignity for their kids even at the expense of frequent indignity to themselves. It takes two to maintain a civilized environment for the benefit of the kids.
delaine, Thanks for the kind words. Divorce hurts, it hurts women and men and kids. You are right, I am still very hurt from my divorce, i dont really care about the bounced checks, but we are both struggling and to me it shows a bit what priorities are, and i am sure she has her side too.
I also read your post about dating divorced men, so I know you are not being completely negative in this post. Even this posts’ title is ‘SOME’ dads and it is fair.
Jane, Do you ask on a first date if a man pays child support and what they contributed to the downfall of the marriage? Really, those are the first two questions? I cannot imagine how this can be fun or make anyone comfortable or happy on a first or second date.
Shouldnt dating be fun? see cathy’s post: http://divorcedwomenonline.com/2009/09/divorced-womens-dating-styles/
I think this post applies to women and men, divorced or not.
Statistically, there are higher percentages of “deadbeat” moms than dads.
And if women really wanted equality, women’s groups in America wouldn’t repeatedly vote against rebuttable joint custody bills that parenting groups have tried to get passed in various states time and again.
A single or part-time dad is someone who beat the odds – parenting is something women have as a right in a divorce. Men have to fight for it.
Jane, you are obviously a bad date.
How would you feel if your date asked you if you got off your ass and contributed financially to your household during your marriage, and then asked what you did to contribute to the downfall of your marriage?
That man is also a bad date.
Check, please – I’m outta here.
the whoel reason for the “jaded” issue is because time and time again, over decades of unfair judicial practices from the higher powers that be in the courts have raked the souls of good men and willing fathers over the hot coals. you become “broken”. Women by nature, are vindictive and often the tru values and needs of the kids get lost and paushed aside to make room for unwanted wars that women seem to want to bring on. Is thie “equality”,,,or being a good mom?
Oh gee another male bashing session from the hen house. I see none of these gals have brought up the fact that more women than men DON”T pay child support.Much less spend anytime with the kids. And we never hear about the millions of women who intentionally make it impossible to see their kids once she shacks up again. (Google Parental Alianation Syndrome).I’ve been thru it twice now.Any man who is considering marrying any woman in this country needs his head examined. Most guys have finally figured out its far safer to marry a gal that already has kids than to have kids of his own.Never again
You haven’t the slightest idea what you’re talking about. It is the plight of all fathers who divorce a spouse, regardless of the reasons, that they are penalized to years of poverty. Is it hard?? Absolutely! But It’s worth it in the end to be free of a marriage that is a sham. Most of the fathers I know, myself included, would LOVE to have more than the court ordered every other weekend with their kids. This pathetic less than balanced time ratio only serves to alienate children from their fathers. I would suggest to you that any man that bitches about having too much time with his kids is no man at all, let alone a real father, and is most definitely in the minority of divorced dads. All I can say to you is, you sure can Pick em Doll Face. I would strongly suggest to do a little more research next time you publish something.
Wow. My heart goes out to everyone because it all hurts like hell. My lawyer told me that once it reaches the stage of the law and the courts, it’s no longer about being fair. It’s about the law. And from I’m reading here I think we agree the law falls far short in honoring what the divorcing family needs. All we can do now is use our experience to change how divorce can be experienced and understood. I found hope in collaborate divorce. I was lucky the option was nearby and I had a committed lawyer. We all 4 sat at the table and agreed to what we signed, keeping it out of the court, and get joint custody without a fight. If we can accept the idea that divorce can be a vehicle to craft a new beginning for everyone involved, we can change the way divorced is experienced. Because unfortunately with the prevalence of divorce, our children and grandchildren will feel the effects in their relationships be it with partners or friends. And we can’t always just hope they’ll find the right person the first time around.
With gratitude to all parents who make their children a priority, because for all our children that is the greatest gift.
From someone that pays his ex wife over $1000/mo in child support for 1 child and AM a SINGLE DAD..the law is bullshit! I have no regrets about the divorce but as far as Iam concerned when a spouse is making over 60k a year and has a great job..there should be absolutely NO reason why as someone who pays child support cant get proof that the money is being spent on their child NOT for her own vacationing and well being. I spend over 50% of my time with my child and no one gives me anything to take care of her. EVERYONE has a responsibility to take care of their children..mother and father. But guess what? Child support is tax free, why arent the courts interested in making sure the child is taken care of instead of the ex spouse buying pallets of twinkies for herself? If I want receipts, call CSD, or the district attorney why are they not concerned about the child ONLY the child support payment. The system is broke and so are some of these bitter women who make comments on their sense of entitlement and apparently are beyond and rise above the law
I don’t even know what to say?! You can tell by the comments who is being honest and who is not. The men who want receipts because his ex’s is buying “twinkies”; grow-up! All the checks and balance are in the fact that your kids have a roof over their heads, food in their tummy and shoes on their feet. And the Part time dads are obviously lying when they say they want their children 50/50 but can’t because of the courts, complete lie! All Canadian Courts will enforce 50/50 if the Father( is capable) and wishes so. It’s a fact, it’s the law. What these part time dads aren’t saying in their rants is they have never applied for 50/50 custody because what is life for many “families” is the man has a job that starts before his kids go to school and ends after they are out of school. Never mind making supper and getting his kids to all of their activities. It is very tricky for Moms or Dads to juggle a good paying FULL TIME job, and a family. That is why married or not, one parent usually makes more income working full time hours while the other makes less income to be able to be their for the children. Male or Female Full time or Part time, each have a role to play in feeding, raising, transporting and caring for THE CHILDREN. Realize what your contribution is and be thankful that you have beautiful, healthy children!
Not only am I a single dad and we both worked FULL TIME in a marriage of 20+ years, I, YES, I cooked dinner every night, did the grocery shopping, managed the finances, house, vacations, taking kids to and from school and activities 4 days a week! This is America NOT Canada…dont talk to me about juggling, pull your head out and you realize that woman should feel grateful for what they have and are not entitled merely because they are woman. The problem with our culture is a sense of entitlement. Furthermore, courts dont enforce where child support payments go ONLY that they are paid! Try doing some research or read about parental alienation syndrome.
Scotty, without getting acrimonious, I’m reading through what you’ve written and trying to understand – so your main point here is that you have your child 50% of the time yet you still pay $1000/mth in child support (which must be based on your salary) and you think your former wife should have to give you receipts so you know the money is spent on your child, not her. Correct?
In other words, you think that what your ex makes at her job is ‘enough’ for her and your child, and you feel entitled to say so? You want more control?
If this beit so, I say, let it go and accept it, Scotty. Your anger is misplaced and only going to do YOU you harm, including preventing you from moving on. If you earn more than her and she’s taking good care of your child, focus on that, for that is what is truly important… Life is too short to waste on issues like this, let go of needing to be in control and count your blessings.
Yes, thats correct and yes its based on salary. Did I say she is taking good care of her or is that your assumption because shes a mother and im a father? No shes not taking good care of her and have already contacted the district attorney several times as the money is NOT being spent on taking care of my daughter. When my daughter visits and she doesnt have new clothes to wear, new shoes, money for school lunches, needs a haircut, or gas to put in her car its surely NOT my responsibility to continue to shell out even more money. This is more $$ than most people make on minimum wage and raising families a year! What you women dont realize is that as a single dad and with joint legal custody, a man is just as capable as taking care of his daughter as a woman is…whose angry? The system is broke! Give me ONE good reason why you are above the law and should not be required to provide receipts when asked when a child is not being provided for?
I think most fathers are just as capable of taking care of their children as mothers are Scotty.
As for the final question you posed, I do not consider myself above the law. But I think it’s unreasonable to expect receipts. Hair cuts, new clothes and external ‘cues’ aside, there is so much more that goes into being a good parent and it’s not your place to ‘assess’ her parenting on those cues alone. Of course I don’t know the details of your situation and the parenting skills/style in place. However, if your daughter is not at risk in any way, if she is happy and loved and thriving, those are the most important components; that’s what’s important in the big picture.
It’s hard to stay focused on the ‘big picture’, I know, and usually takes time and growing pains for that picture to become clear. But as we accept what is, including the laws that are in place (and for good reasons, Scotty, there are many other kinds of situations) it frees us to let go and be happy again. I wish you well.
When you aren’t the custodial parent, you don’t get to determine how support payments are spent. Period.
If you really want to make sure that your child has this, that, or the other thing, then get it for her yourself. It might not seem fair, but put that aside and do it in the best interest of the child, if you feel it’s that important.
If, as I somewhat suspect, it’s more about control or making her jump though a hoop or two, then let it go. You can’t make her do it, it’s not right to even try, and all you are going to do is get yourself all wound up because it isn’t going to work.
Although I do, in a way, agree with Scotty about the problem being a sense of entitlement…..as in the sense that paying support for YOUR child entitles you to treat your ex like she is your employee and has to justify things to you.
The system isn’t perfect, but remember the laws are the way they are to serve in the best interest of the majority of cases.
Today driving home I was thinking about what it might be like if I had to provide receipts to my ex-husband for how I spent child support. And it honestly just seemed like a lot of work for nothing – like unnecessary penny pinching. Not only would it create grey areas for frivolous argument, I imagined it as quite demeaning to me. I know how much I give my kids both emotionally, financially and everything in between – so for a part time father (which is my case, not yours Scotty) to step and have the right to critize and police me not only puts me on the defensive, but insults me personally.
Food for though anyway Scotty. And thanks for sharing, Derek.
think your missing the WHOLE picture here. Iam just as capable or more than providing love and support to my daughter as a woman is, are you going to argue that? IF YOU were the one paying the child support the tables would be turned wouldnt they? CSD has already investigated this and my daughter is NOT being taken care of emotionally or ect…the court will award legal custody to myself soon as your right it takes more than monetary issues go take care of a child, I have NEVER let this out of my sight. Rest assured the $100k I have spent in legal expenses to take care o fmy daughter should easily prove that point. NO ONE should ever have to go through the legal system this way to take care of a child’s interest. To the people who responded and think you are so entitled to everything that comes your way get a job and take care of yourself and your children, see how easy that is and maybe you could see that it not about living the high life its about living to be accountable to both yourself and your children
I am married, but IF (hypothetically) we were to become separated, I would keep in touch with his family just because I want my kids to have a relationship with my husband’s family members. Otherwise, I’d probably stay in touch with his sister — who I have become good friends with — because I get along really well with her, her husband, and their kids.
No Fault Divorce VA
Wow,
That’s one of the nastiest posts against divorced dads I’ve seen in a long time. Thanks for letting your true bias show.
It obviously has never even occurred to you that unjust settlements get worked out because dad — the only one with an income in my case, ex wife mentally ill — can’t survive a $100,000 trial. It obviously has never occurred to you that going back to court costs money that divorced dads don’t have. I took my ex back to court. I turned her sole physical custody into joint. It’s practically unheard of, but I pulled it off. That “justice” also set me and the kids back financially — in a way we’ll never recover from. The ex lives with a guy who makes $130K a year. Open your eyes and realize that the family courts are structurally corrupt and are a safe haven for liars — of either sex. This is what the family court system and the bar association is all about. How dare you go after divorced dads who live for their kids. If a man wrote a similar column about divorced moms, he would face endless attacks from people like you. Your column is pure propaganda and deeply misleading. You need to get out more.
MLT, my post’s focus was not on the unfairness of our legal system towards moms and dads. This piece was about DATING divorced dads. And though some dads get a bad deal in thier divorce – and I am sympathic to that, I don’t want to date someone who a) is still stuck or in the throes of a legal battle or 2) hasn’t gotten over it. It’s not a good place to start a relationship.
I wish you well in your divorce.
I read read your initial post again. OK, but in your post, you spend more time on what’s wrong with div’d dads — not a lot of sympathy there. (Empathy is preferred.) You want them to just accept their position. But realize too, some of them don’t need therapy or acceptance — they need justice. The courts aren’t a level playing field — it’s not even close.
Well, to get my point across, let me try this: I wouldn’t want to date a woman who lost her kids unjustly in a custody battle, got saddled with child support and alimony, and who is now “OK” with it. You might be able to learn to live with it, but it changes who you are, and rightfully so. Malicious, mindless betrayal is real and people who have survived it don’t look at the world the same way they did when they were teens. That doesn’t make them undatable. Only those with a deep sense of empathy can figure them out.
I sincerely wish you all the best in your search; just remember that finding someone who has a conscience and who still cares enough to not shrug off injustice is a good thing.