"Friends With Benefits" – A Myth, A Rarity, or A Matter of Luck?
When my best friend Hali and I found ourselves newly separated and back out in the dating trenches, we kept hearing the term “Friends With Benefits.” We both liked the sound of it and decided it was something we wanted. After all, we weren’t ready for serious, but we wanted to have sex. Thus a sexual ‘friendship’ verses a love relationship seemed the perfect alternative.
But to this day, such an arrangement has been elusive. And Hali maintains that FwB is a ‘myth’. This is what we’ve discovered:
1) one person can end up more emotionally invested in the relationship than the other and wants ‘more’
2) no matter how open minded people proclaim themselves to be, they have a hard time knowing that the other person is still actively dating and potentially having sex with someone else
4) the ‘rules of play’ are grey and ambiguous – is she supposed to wait until he calls her? Or vice versa? Or is it open-ended? And at what time of day/night does it apply? And how many times can he/she says “I’m busy”, (which is rejection) , before the other person feels disrespected and bows out?
5) the ‘friendship’ part is underdeveloped. Can they watch movies together or go out for dinner too? Or is it strictly sexual and only to transpire at one person’s house? What are the boundaries for sharing other aspects of their lives: work, family, love/sex, interests, dreams etc.?
I’m not so sure I’d go so far as to say the FwB arrangement is a ‘myth’ like Hali does. Cause I’ve heard men say they’ve had it. I guess I should have asked them more questions about it – dug a bit deeper and found out what it really looked and felt like. Cause maybe a level of communication is required in order for it to be fulfilling. Or there again, maybe a level of DETACHMENT predominates the arrangement, and the word “friend’ needs new definition.
(Written, Year Two post-divorce)
14 comments
A real friends with benefits arrangement is a rarity.
I’ve found the best way to do one of these arrangements is with someone who is already a really good friend. For me, the “friends” part of it is really important, and without the solid friendship as a base it just becomes repeat casual sex with someone you don’t know very well. Lacking the friendship, the communication required to make the arrangement work easily becomes awkward or just doesn’t happen, and a fwb arrangement definitely requires communication and honest on both sides.
Having a solid friendship also provides you with a base on which to interact beyond just sex. You already have things in common, talk, do things together and enjoy each others company. I think developing these things parallel to developing a sexual relationship can be difficult, but failing to have anything other than sex on which you relate really takes out the “friends” part of the equation and leaves you with just “benefits”. Which can be okay too, but if as in number 1, one person becomes more emotionally invested, that’s problematic, and a heck of a lot more awkward when you don’t even care about each other’s emotional well being as friends. There’s a certain respect for each other I think that only comes from a real friendship.
I suspect most people are insecure and jealous and even though they may know intellectually they don’t want a serious relationship a part of them also wants to be wanted and needed in a more fundamental way. Having a workable arrangement really requires that both parties have the emotional maturity to genuinely understand and accept that there will be other partners and that their friend may date other people. Not just paying lip service to this while privately agonizing over every other person that crosses into their sphere of awareness, and not having a fwb arrangement based on the private hope that one day it will grow into something more serious.
This comes back to both parties knowing what they expect to get out of it, what expectations are and what ground rules there are. Again, communication is key, and all this stuff should be clearly defined at the beginning, with the understanding that anything that is unclear or that isn’t working will be discussed as the relationship progresses. It’s possible to work a fwb arrangement with out spoken rules or expectations, but for that to be functional it means that expectations on both side have to be almost non-existent – you know you will always have the friendship, but there’s no expectation for anything more, and no expectation that sex will happen – you play it by ear each time, and there’s no anger or hurt or resentment if at some point one person wants sex and the other doesn’t. If that happen you fall back to the default friendship mode, no hard feelings. (Very unusual for this kind of arrangement to work unless both people know each other really well and both are very secure & confident.)
I suppose fwb has worked out well for me in the past because I’m not a naturally monogamous person, I’m confident, secure in myself and independent and I truly enjoy being able to connect with friends on a physical level without having the romantic expectations (whether you want them or not, whether or not you defined them) that seem inherently attached to dating and labels like boyfriend, girlfriend etc.
It’s certainly not for everyone and for some people it’s probably impossible to make it work in a satisfactory way.
Drop me an email if you ever want to chat about this. Fwb can be complicated to navigate with all our cultural expectations that come loaded with any relationship
A real friends with benefits arrangement is a rarity.
I’ve found the best way to do one of these arrangements is with someone who is already a really good friend. For me, the “friends” part of it is really important, and without the solid friendship as a base it just becomes repeat casual sex with someone you don’t know very well. Lacking the friendship, the communication required to make the arrangement work easily becomes awkward or just doesn’t happen, and a fwb arrangement definitely requires communication and honest on both sides.
Having a solid friendship also provides you with a base on which to interact beyond just sex. You already have things in common, talk, do things together and enjoy each others company. I think developing these things parallel to developing a sexual relationship can be difficult, but failing to have anything other than sex on which you relate really takes out the “friends” part of the equation and leaves you with just “benefits”. Which can be okay too, but if as in number 1, one person becomes more emotionally invested, that’s problematic, and a heck of a lot more awkward when you don’t even care about each other’s emotional well being as friends. There’s a certain respect for each other I think that only comes from a real friendship.
I suspect most people are insecure and jealous and even though they may know intellectually they don’t want a serious relationship a part of them also wants to be wanted and needed in a more fundamental way. Having a workable arrangement really requires that both parties have the emotional maturity to genuinely understand and accept that there will be other partners and that their friend may date other people. Not just paying lip service to this while privately agonizing over every other person that crosses into their sphere of awareness, and not having a fwb arrangement based on the private hope that one day it will grow into something more serious.
This comes back to both parties knowing what they expect to get out of it, what expectations are and what ground rules there are. Again, communication is key, and all this stuff should be clearly defined at the beginning, with the understanding that anything that is unclear or that isn’t working will be discussed as the relationship progresses. It’s possible to work a fwb arrangement with out spoken rules or expectations, but for that to be functional it means that expectations on both side have to be almost non-existent – you know you will always have the friendship, but there’s no expectation for anything more, and no expectation that sex will happen – you play it by ear each time, and there’s no anger or hurt or resentment if at some point one person wants sex and the other doesn’t. If that happen you fall back to the default friendship mode, no hard feelings. (Very unusual for this kind of arrangement to work unless both people know each other really well and both are very secure & confident.)
I suppose fwb has worked out well for me in the past because I’m not a naturally monogamous person, I’m confident, secure in myself and independent and I truly enjoy being able to connect with friends on a physical level without having the romantic expectations (whether you want them or not, whether or not you defined them) that seem inherently attached to dating and labels like boyfriend, girlfriend etc.
It’s certainly not for everyone and for some people it’s probably impossible to make it work in a satisfactory way.
Drop me an email if you ever want to chat about this. Fwb can be complicated to navigate with all our cultural expectations that come loaded with any relationship
I really like the sound of F with B too but haven’t had any luck with it. The freinship part always ends up lacking and it just becomes causal sex. It would be nice to have the freedom to be myself and express myself in this kind of realtionship without worrying about him assuming I want something serious.
I really like the sound of F with B too but haven’t had any luck with it. The freinship part always ends up lacking and it just becomes causal sex. It would be nice to have the freedom to be myself and express myself in this kind of realtionship without worrying about him assuming I want something serious.
I’ve found that men automatically focus on the sex part, not the frienship part so I end up feeling disrespected.
I’ve found that men automatically focus on the sex part, not the frienship part so I end up feeling disrespected.
I found it never worked for me either .After my divorce when the last thing I wanted was serious relationship .I would tell them no strings attached and it seemed whenever they figured out I really meant what I was saying they were interested in a more serious relationship.
After a certain amount of time I just took a brake from dating all together until I was ready for a relationship .
Christine
I found it never worked for me either .After my divorce when the last thing I wanted was serious relationship .I would tell them no strings attached and it seemed whenever they figured out I really meant what I was saying they were interested in a more serious relationship.
After a certain amount of time I just took a brake from dating all together until I was ready for a relationship .
Christine
I think it IS possible, and can be very enjoyable. If you sense (or know) that the other person is in the same place you are then it is very workable. And if you’re truly friends, and one of you meets someone with whom there are sparks, then you’re genuinely happy for the other.
I don’t think it’s as easy as some make it out to be, but it can happen and be helpful and pleasurable during otherwise “low relationship” periods. I’ve had it happen – in my 20s (before marriage and kids), and my 40s (after marriage & kids). And it was pretty nice…
I think it IS possible, and can be very enjoyable. If you sense (or know) that the other person is in the same place you are then it is very workable. And if you’re truly friends, and one of you meets someone with whom there are sparks, then you’re genuinely happy for the other.
I don’t think it’s as easy as some make it out to be, but it can happen and be helpful and pleasurable during otherwise “low relationship” periods. I’ve had it happen – in my 20s (before marriage and kids), and my 40s (after marriage & kids). And it was pretty nice…
Ah FWB, I thought I would be ready to do this but I agree, there is so much gray in this type of relationship. What I learned is that I am way too emotionally attached with people and would not be able to handle all the ifs about this type of relationship.
I have always wanted to be cold a enough woman that can get what I need and walk without feeling anything, but I am not and this is something I have to accept.
I think a lot of women feel the same way as you, Irene. In general I find it’s pretty easy to care for men. It can be hard to differentiate that from falling in love because caring IS a kind of loving. And a lot of men are pretty easy to care for if we take the time to get to know them (as are we, of course!).
I sometimes think the best thing to do if one is attempting friends with benefits is to keep the benefits under five times! As one of our writers once said, “if you rub genetelia together more than five times, you’re in a relationship!” This way, either party can duck out before super serious emotions develop, yet still enjoy the short-term benefits of having sex:)
I find it odd that someone considers FWB to be “cold.” I don’t consider myself a cold woman. On the contrary.
FWB is friendship first. Someone whose company you enjoy, someone you trust, someone who is your friend. The benefits are a bonus.
Many of us know there are men we care about, find attractive, but could never “be in love with.” If both parties are amenable and not involved with anyone else, I’d say that’s a pretty warming option, not a cold-hearted one. None of this changes the fact that most of us would like the whole package if we can find it, but friendship and physical intimacy are lovely. And everyone doesn’t equate sex with relationship.
Would you call a man who has sex without being in love “cold?” I doubt it.
See, I’m the opposite Big Little Wolf – to me, the benefits comes first! *grin I don’t have any close male friends that I’m phsyically attracted to though. That being said, I think that any sexual liaison, whether it transpires under the canopy of like or love, needs to involve good intentions and respect on both sides.