Loving Again After Divorce: I Admit It – I’m Afraid
A close male friend of mine, one whose opinion I value greatly, keeps telling me: Gypsy (his nickname for me), you are so afraid to fall in love. You’ve built walls to protect yourself and keep men out, but you must be careful not to become your own prisoner.
Immediately I get angry at him. Don’t talk to me about fear! I say. You have no idea what I’ve been through – how much strength and courage I’ve had to find.
I’m just living my life on my own terms, I’ve told him. Gone is that foolish girl who believed in fairytales…
But he has said this to me so many times over the past few months, I’m starting to see the truth in his words…
(sigh) Why is that so hard for me to admit?
I don’t live in the past. I’ve offered and felt my forgiveness’s. I’ve really moved forward these past couple of years since my divorce. Immensely. Bravely.
And I have dated. And I’ve taken lovers. I’ve done what I needed to do to survive AND to satisfy myself physically, emotionally and spiritually.
Yes, in a way, I guess I’ve kind of ‘used’ men. Not maliciously. Not with any ill-motives. Just…cautiously. Protectively. And sometimes – in the sex department – aggressively. I shouldn’t have to justify that, right?
I just haven’t met anyone who really interests me. Or at least, that’s what I’ve told myself.
I guess the truth is that I haven’t let anyone get close enough to me to really know. But I figured that if I met the ‘right’ guy, he would somehow intrigue me – get under my skin – despite my being so closed.
“I see through your walls,” my close friend says softly. “You don’t fool me Gypsy. I know how much love you have to give …”
And when he says that, my anger dissipates; I’m no longer pissed. Instead, I feel…vulnerable. Teary.
And maybe, just maybe…a little bit relieved.
5 comments
I am….
I’m afraid to fall in love because I’m not sure that I know how. Thought I knew what love was and how to do it but my failed relationship and marriage has me doubting myself. I’m afraid that I won’t be “good at it” and somehow end up in another bad place. That I’ll be afraid to give 100% to the relatioship and ruin it for myself before it even got started. Afraid to open myself up completely because I’m still finding out who I am.
I also assumed that when I found “the one” it would be easy to do, and natural and right and all of these issues wouldn’t be a factor. What if I don’t find that? That scares me too. And how do I know that a guy would be “the one?” Am I so jaded that I couldn’t see him even if he is right in front of me?
You and I ask ourselves the same questions Susan…
Sometimes I think I need to stop analysing it so much; that I just need to let ‘it’ happen, maybe even let it sneak up on me.
But that’s what I did first time round with my ex. And look where that got me!
The fear of being hurt again is there. The rejection, the abandonment, the abuse..I guess there is the temptation to get a man for just physical reasons only but do not trust him to get close emotionally..where he can do damage….
Signed
Sincerely,
Ms. “A work in progress”
My new lover, during pillow talk, told me of some of the hurtful things that his ex said to him, and I realized he is wary of remarriage because he doesn’t ever want to be hurt that badly again. I’m only a year out into single life, and I don’t even want to think about remarriage at all at this point. He knows this, and I think it makes him comfortable that I’m not going to be pressuring him for more commitment.
We are together in a monogamous, once-a-week dating/sex relationship… I hope we don’t ultimately hurt each other. We keep it light and fun and passionate and so far it feels very, very good and rather healing without being overwhelming.
I too am very afraid of falling deeply in love with someone and committing to a 24/7 kind of relationship. I kind of like the idea of a boyfriend. He has his space and interests, and I have mine. We come together for incredible sex and intimate conversation, and then we part for a week. Because he’s not calling me every day, I don’t feel smothered, and I look forward to seeing him, very much. Like you, I have had to be strong and courageous in getting out of my marriage. Maybe I’m strong enough to NOT need a man 24/7 anymore.
Divorce reeks havoc on us all. I AM the perfect woman for a man I just met. But, WALLS, WALLS, and more WALLS.
I have never been married. I met a man who I used to work with in NYC who has been divorced for three years.
He lives in L.A. I performed out there in early May of this year. (I am a musical theater actress) We had an amazing date after the show, and he contacted me when I left for New York telling me he was super excited about our connection..and that his head was spinning, and that he was happy, and wanted to see me again soon.
We both had a feeling about each other….
In this beginning time (a month ago) he was extremely excited about me. He told me that even though I was 3000 miles away (we live on opposite coasts) I was all he thought about. He kept up with the excitement for about 3 weeks. 10 days before my visit, he pulled back. Emotionally distanced himself.
The first thing he did when I came to visit was fall asleep on the beach right next to me. The visit consisted of him keeping me at arms length the entire time. I asked him if he had met another woman, and he said no. He just wanted to “go slow”
So he set me up on one speed, and changed to another. This in itself was very difficult for me as he changed speeds before I even got there. He said if he could of asked God for a perfect body, I was “it”. We have everything in common.
My instinct told me that he was protecting himself, and just couldn’t let me in. The divorce damaged him so much, that intimacy equals danger. I am 99% sure this is what is happening. I have read all of the above posts which were extremely helpful, and my love goes out to you all.
But, please send love to those people who would love to bust through your walls, but can’t. We know what is going on, and it is excruciatingly painful for us too.
We feel hopeless and helpless. We know the divorced person is stuck. If you are reading this…please try to Unstick yourself for someone loving to enter your heart.
I wonder if this man will realize this after I am long gone.
Such a shame, and such a disappointment. We are all souls just trying to move through life the best we can.
Hope my words go out over the internet, and possibly help someone.
I am eternally optimistic, and open. And despite this, I will remain so.
Rebecca