BIG STEP:Introducing A New Man to the Kids
I introduced him to my children. Not as my partner. Not as a close friend. But as a ‘friend of a friend’ who needed a place to stay as he passed through town.
This was a big step for me. I’ve never done this before – never even considered it in the two years I’ve been divorced: I introduced my kids to man I’m dating.
Everyone says you shouldn’t introduce a partner into your children’s lives unless you know it’s serious. Kids get attached and the last thing they need is another goodbye.
But after numerous discussions with girlfriends and family, I decided to go ahead and try this. The bottom line is that because this man lives out of town and my ex so rarely sees the kids, I’ll never get to know him if I only see him once a month… And I do like him.
So how did it go? What was it like spending time with a man and my kids?
I must be honest. It was wonderful. So much so, it surprised me. My kids adored him. They were all over him, giggling, talking, even trying to give him a wedgie.
We played baseball. We played soccer. We all cuddled on the couch and watched the movie, Sinbad. He tucked them in bed with me (my kids asked for him). He sat at the breakfast table with us, telling them how he normally eats Captain Crunch…and of course that was followed by “Moooooom! How come WE don’t eat Captain Curnch?”
And my kids laughed. And they giggled. And they hugged him. And they followed him around.
And me?
I smiled. I felt it in my chest. It felt good - sharing our weekend, sharing each other, pretending to be family. There was a ‘man in the house.’ No denying it.
I’m not going to do this again until I know I’m serious about this man. For even though he only visited for 24 hours, my kids cried when he left. They’re still talking about him, asking about him. I keep minimizing him to my kids – he was “just a friend of a friend who needed a place to crash.” But the imprint he left on all us that weekend was undeniable.
I’d forgotten how wonderful it is to share the joy of children with a man. I’d forgotten how precious ‘family time’ is when there is a male presence. In a way, while he was here, I felt a bit ‘frantic.’ Unsure of what to do. He doesn’t have kids, let alone three young ones. Were they bugging him? Turning him off? Was he overwhelmed?
I’m used to defining our family as me and the three kids. No other adult around every day. Our family is Mom and the three kids.
Throw a man into the mix and there is a new energy. An energy that felt like ‘coming home.’ And now, when I play soccer or baseball with my kids, I feel a bit at a loss – like a male energy is missing from the team.
I just don’t know if this wonderful man is the missing player.
(Written Year-Two post-divorce)
15 comments
I am starting to struggle with this as well even just having him come to my house when the kids are in bed. We usually have late dates to begin with due to work/etc… The way things are going with custody issues I may have my kids 100% of the time which means, if I want to see this guy, he’s gonna have to come here when the kids are home. My problem is that we are stil “new” and haven’t gotten anywhere near the “how do you feel about kids” conversation. His online profile said “undecided/open” about wanting kids but I don’t know how that translates into being around mine. Until then I guess I may just have to get a sitter when we want to go out… which also may put a damper on our intimate relationship which is developing nicely so far. I won’t do anything sexual if the kids are here in my house and he lives about 40 minutes away. So many issues. Why can’t things ever be simple.
I am starting to struggle with this as well even just having him come to my house when the kids are in bed. We usually have late dates to begin with due to work/etc… The way things are going with custody issues I may have my kids 100% of the time which means, if I want to see this guy, he’s gonna have to come here when the kids are home. My problem is that we are stil “new” and haven’t gotten anywhere near the “how do you feel about kids” conversation. His online profile said “undecided/open” about wanting kids but I don’t know how that translates into being around mine. Until then I guess I may just have to get a sitter when we want to go out… which also may put a damper on our intimate relationship which is developing nicely so far. I won’t do anything sexual if the kids are here in my house and he lives about 40 minutes away. So many issues. Why can’t things ever be simple.
What ‘gets’ me is that my ex never has/never will have this concern! It irks me that he has evenings/most weekends free to pursue a new life, and has NO understanding/respect for how complicated things are for me.
Grumble grumble
What ‘gets’ me is that my ex never has/never will have this concern! It irks me that he has evenings/most weekends free to pursue a new life, and has NO understanding/respect for how complicated things are for me.
Grumble grumble
Susan, I hear ya – it amazes me how complicated things get. And Janet, you’re right, some exes definitely haven’t a clue!!!!
I just keep telling myself that the ‘right man’ won’t have a problem with logistics etc and will be very understanding. We all know that the kids’ best interest comes first. But it can be really frustrated on so many levels when we’re striving to explore/find ourselves and test new relationships.
I want simple too Susan. God, what I’d give for simple…
I’ve had this issue. I was engaged for a while and once we finally decided we were serious (long after we’d done our “I love you”s and the possibility of marriage had already come up)– he met my daughter. She was shy of him at first, a little scared of this male presence because she was always raised by me and had literally no experience around males. She soon decided she liked him and would go to him for all her boo boos and hugs. I once overheard him talking to her while I was in the bathroom– they were having a conversation about daddies, and about whether or not she would like him to be her daddy. I cannot tell you how beautiful that moment was to me. The problem is that when we broke up, he disappeared. He and I had a problem and then *poof* she was no longer his jewel. And she loved him. I felt deeply betrayed, abandoned and disillusioned with men.
The next guy I dated wasn’t particularly attractive to me (he didn’t get me hot in the knickers or excite me intellectually) but he felt safe (it was nice being in his arms). He had good family values and a strong sense of responsibility– I thought I found “father material”. A year and a half later and I’m back in the same spot.
When men without kids date women with kids, they ALWAYS have the option to just walk away– they can just pretend it never happened. And for that reason, I’ve had better luck dating men who are parents. They don’t just pretend the relationship and those good times didn’t happen, because they don’t want their kids to feel abandoned either.
Susan, I hear ya – it amazes me how complicated things get. And Janet, you’re right, some exes definitely haven’t a clue!!!!
I just keep telling myself that the ‘right man’ won’t have a problem with logistics etc and will be very understanding. We all know that the kids’ best interest comes first. But it can be really frustrated on so many levels when we’re striving to explore/find ourselves and test new relationships.
I want simple too Susan. God, what I’d give for simple…
I’ve had this issue. I was engaged for a while and once we finally decided we were serious (long after we’d done our “I love you”s and the possibility of marriage had already come up)– he met my daughter. She was shy of him at first, a little scared of this male presence because she was always raised by me and had literally no experience around males. She soon decided she liked him and would go to him for all her boo boos and hugs. I once overheard him talking to her while I was in the bathroom– they were having a conversation about daddies, and about whether or not she would like him to be her daddy. I cannot tell you how beautiful that moment was to me. The problem is that when we broke up, he disappeared. He and I had a problem and then *poof* she was no longer his jewel. And she loved him. I felt deeply betrayed, abandoned and disillusioned with men.
The next guy I dated wasn’t particularly attractive to me (he didn’t get me hot in the knickers or excite me intellectually) but he felt safe (it was nice being in his arms). He had good family values and a strong sense of responsibility– I thought I found “father material”. A year and a half later and I’m back in the same spot.
When men without kids date women with kids, they ALWAYS have the option to just walk away– they can just pretend it never happened. And for that reason, I’ve had better luck dating men who are parents. They don’t just pretend the relationship and those good times didn’t happen, because they don’t want their kids to feel abandoned either.
Kree, the two experiences you mention are my greatest fears. And you lived them. Thanks for sharing.
I still worry about my tendency to ‘group’ men as a whole instead of taking them on an individual basis. I do this, in part, to help me simplify my world.
A part of me assumes divorced dads would ‘get’ more than non-dads, but there again…hmmm…after some of the stories I’ve heard, I really think it can depend on the individual.
No surprise, this is one more issue post-divorce that I ‘overthink.’ But a mom needs and wants to make good choices, right? And avoid the same mistakes from past? If only there was a cookie-cutter answer.
Kree, the two experiences you mention are my greatest fears. And you lived them. Thanks for sharing.
I still worry about my tendency to ‘group’ men as a whole instead of taking them on an individual basis. I do this, in part, to help me simplify my world.
A part of me assumes divorced dads would ‘get’ more than non-dads, but there again…hmmm…after some of the stories I’ve heard, I really think it can depend on the individual.
No surprise, this is one more issue post-divorce that I ‘overthink.’ But a mom needs and wants to make good choices, right? And avoid the same mistakes from past? If only there was a cookie-cutter answer.
My kids are teens (18, 16, 14, 14). Introducing them to my beau is a whole other story! They were ok when I said I was starting to date, but since I am dating a certain someone, they are a little freaked out (my girls are anyway). I think they will be willing to meet him after a little more time goes by and they’ve had time to digest the concept. At least, I hope they will warm up to meeting him! The rule I followed was/is that I wouldn’t introduce my kids to just anyone. It would have to be serious. I never thought I could be serious again, but here I am with a beau I love and adore. It feels good to feel good again!
First off- Congrats Michele! I can hear how happy you are to have discovered love again! That’s a BIG deal – exciting AND kinda scary in some ways too, I imagine.
I think the fact you’re giving your relationship ‘time’ before moving fullspeed ahead into having him fulltime in everyone’s life is REALLY smart – and it speaks to your maturity and loving concern for your children. Too often people rush ahead into relationships after divorce, resulting in yet another breakup (second marriages have higher divorce rates). Slow and steady is the truly the best course. You’re still getting to know each other for the first couple of years, feeding off your hopes/dreams of who you think the other person is. So ‘smart’ and patient is the way to be – there’s no rush, no pressing timeline that says couples need to amalgamate everything right away and be a new family. What’s REALLY important is that you and your partner have found each other – and that can be explored and nurtured without forcing him into their lives and upsetting the children to the n’th degree. Your kids feelings for him probably will change – but they need time. And they, in future, will come to respect you all the more for having made a decision that honored their needs and feelings.
Again, enjoy Michele. I’m very happy for you and beieive one day your kids will be, too.
It’s been a year and a half since my ex left, and we are dating. I say “we are dating” because we are all getting to know each other. It’s been five months. In the end, if we are all a good match, then things will continue to flow naturally. It is super important to me that my kids and partner are comfortable with each other. So, right now, they know him as a friend and we spend the afternoon together once or twice a week. He has really hit it off with my 5 yr old and my 3 yr old is warming up to him. He has slept over, but my children are not aware of this yet. If we are a good match (which so far we seem to be, but after being divorced I am very careful about judging this) then I guess that next step will come in time.
Irene, I think you’re handling this change with your kids best interest in mind. I’ve seen divorced people race into new relationships so quickly, introduce kids, and move in when it’s obvious their basking in the honeymoon stage. Some argue, “When you’re older, you know what you want so when you find it, why waste time?” Again, it comes back to the honeymoon stage – we aren’t immune to it just we’re older and divorced. The price tag is higher second time round when little hearts are involved, so I think slow and steady is the way to go. Good for you! Smart choices.
Just to clarify, I’m not dating my ex.