New Relationship Consideration: Would You Have Another Baby?
I gave birth to three kids in three years and I can honestly say their early years were a blur to me; life was INSANE. And since divorcing I’ve sworn I wouldn’t have another child. “This body now belongs to ME,” I’ve joked with my girlfriends.
The other day, however, a girlfriend asked me, “Then why don’t you get fixed if you know you don’t want more? Especially since you’re so fertile. You don’t want any ’accidents.’”
At first, I chalked it down to respecting my body – no more ‘operations,’ thanks very much. Between pregnancy and birth, I think it’s been through enough.
But then I seriously asked myself: Would I ever consider having another child? If I fell in love with a man and it was THAT important to him, might I WANT to carry his child?
Up to this point post-divorce, I’ve focused on the many reasons why I wouldn’t want another child. For example:
- I want to focus on my career
- I need to focus on the three kids I have
- I don’t want to go back to the sleepless nights and whining and crying
- I want to own my own body
But as I mentioned in recent articles, my mindset has started to shift somewhat – I’m opening to the idea of another serious relationship. And with that, come long-lost feelings of sharing and depth and family…all those things that once meant so much to me when I was married.
But am I selfless enough to make the many sacrifices that come with creating and caring for another child? Or would I stick to Plan A and make the next decade all about me and the kids I already have?
….
I really don’t know…
13 comments
I personally can’t even imagine having a child at my age.(38) I feel like I’ve sacrificed so much to have my kids, and though I don’t regret it, I’m definiately ready to focus on me. This would be a deal-breaker for any relationship I was in I’m afraid. And I let men know where I’m at right from the start. I’m NOT changing my mind!
I personally can’t even imagine having a child at my age.(38) I feel like I’ve sacrificed so much to have my kids, and though I don’t regret it, I’m definiately ready to focus on me. This would be a deal-breaker for any relationship I was in I’m afraid. And I let men know where I’m at right from the start. I’m NOT changing my mind!
I finally just got out of that crazy toddler stage and have some degree of freedom back in my life. I cannot imagine going back to being up all night and changing diapers. I’m with Sammy – it’s a dealbreaker for me. That is not the direction I want my life to go. Period.
I finally just got out of that crazy toddler stage and have some degree of freedom back in my life. I cannot imagine going back to being up all night and changing diapers. I’m with Sammy – it’s a dealbreaker for me. That is not the direction I want my life to go. Period.
I want to have more kids (I only have one from my stbx) but I’m also only in my twenties, so I guess age has bearing. I can’t imagine chasing toddlers in my forties but I’ve seen other’s do it.
I want to have more kids (I only have one from my stbx) but I’m also only in my twenties, so I guess age has bearing. I can’t imagine chasing toddlers in my forties but I’ve seen other’s do it.
If I were in your shoes, I would use his desire to have a child as one of the early weeding our criteria.
If you want another child then you should date men who want children. If you don’t want any more kids, then you should date men who feel the same way. Being childfree, I wouldn’t put myself in the position of possibly falling in love with a man who had a strong desire to have children. If I really wanted children, I wouldn’t date someone who really didn’t want kids.
Disagreeing on wanting kids seems like a deal breaker to me. You have to either agree on it from the start or have a compromise in mind that both of you can live with. Falling in love and *then* working out the whole kids thing seems like you’re just setting yourself up for misery and disappointment.
I think you can have sharing and closeness and a sense of family without having a baby together, but then I’m also childfree, against procreation in general (for social and environmental reasons) and got myself fixed at 25, so I know my view of things is not your typical one.
If I were in your shoes, I would use his desire to have a child as one of the early weeding our criteria.
If you want another child then you should date men who want children. If you don’t want any more kids, then you should date men who feel the same way. Being childfree, I wouldn’t put myself in the position of possibly falling in love with a man who had a strong desire to have children. If I really wanted children, I wouldn’t date someone who really didn’t want kids.
Disagreeing on wanting kids seems like a deal breaker to me. You have to either agree on it from the start or have a compromise in mind that both of you can live with. Falling in love and *then* working out the whole kids thing seems like you’re just setting yourself up for misery and disappointment.
I think you can have sharing and closeness and a sense of family without having a baby together, but then I’m also childfree, against procreation in general (for social and environmental reasons) and got myself fixed at 25, so I know my view of things is not your typical one.
Funny….my boyfriend and I were just talking about this. I have 2 children, ages 9 & 5, and he has no children. (He’s not even sure he is able to due to a childhood injury). He asked me if it something I would consider if things get to that level in our relationship. Without hesitation, I told him that if our relationship was stong and solid, and if I believe my body can handle it, I would be willing to give it a go. He loves my children, but I also understand his desire to have “one of his own”. It is going to be one of those final decisions later in the relationship. I am going to be 38, he will be 40.
Funny….my boyfriend and I were just talking about this. I have 2 children, ages 9 & 5, and he has no children. (He’s not even sure he is able to due to a childhood injury). He asked me if it something I would consider if things get to that level in our relationship. Without hesitation, I told him that if our relationship was stong and solid, and if I believe my body can handle it, I would be willing to give it a go. He loves my children, but I also understand his desire to have “one of his own”. It is going to be one of those final decisions later in the relationship. I am going to be 38, he will be 40.
Well, this one’s an easy one for me because I got “fixed” during my last c-section. However, the two kiddos I have are 7 years apart in age and I can honestly say it’s HARD, not just on the adults but also on the older kids. If I were still “able”, it would’ve taken someone EXTREMELY special because it really does change the family dynamics.
It’s definitely a huge deciding factor and one that should be discussed from the start. Take it from someone who was divorced, 42 and thought she couldn’t get pregnant – accidents happen. You don’t want to be in that position.
As I get older more kids just doesn’t seem to be for me. I always joke, several years down the road, I would be at a soccer game. Friends would tell my child how great it is to have his/her grandfather come to all their games. Oh, that is not my grandfather, that is my dad! lol