Getting Real: If You’re Secretly ‘Talking’ to Someone, Are You Cheating On Your Spouse?
Though there may be some exceptions to the rule, in my opinion, ‘emotional affairs’ are the same, if not worse, than jumping in bed with someone else.
I’ve heard many justifications from people: “But it’s not really cheating cause I haven’t had sex with her. ” Or: “We just have this connection, you know. I can’t expect my spouse to be everything I need, so why not enjoy it in another person?”
I’m not writing this to tell anyone what to do. Nor am I going to massacre anyone in this situation. I just want to people to ‘get real’: cut through the self-told justifications. Why? Cause underneath it all, whether you’ve had sex or not, a part of you knows the ‘truth’ – of your feelings, that is. The sooner you see it, the sooner you can make the best choices that empower you…and prevent you from hurting others.
Ask yourself the following questions regarding you and your ‘friend’. If you answer yes to any of them, know, there’s a great chance you’re playing with fire:
- Do you get butterflies in your stomach when thinking of him/her?
- Do you fantasize/daydream about him/her?
- Are you talking, texting and/or emailing every day or close to?
- Would you be OK with your spouse overhearing your conversations?
- Are you not telling your ex because you know it will raise suspicions?
- Does he/she stimulate you on all levels, including the heart level?
- Does the thought of not talking to him anymore leave you feeling empty?
- Do you wonder, ‘what if…?’
- Do you compare this ‘friend’ to your partner?
- Is it negatively affecting the emotional and physical intimacy you have with your spouse?
Again, I’m writing this not to judge people, but to help them ’get real.’ For the bottom line is, if you play with fire you CAN get burnt… But you know what? It might also awaken you. Either way, honesty with yourself is key.
7 comments
I must admit it’s hard to be truthful about feelings. It’s scary cause being truthful means I’ll be forced to make decisions and I’m simply not ready. But you’re right – I am deliberately minimizing something that I know, in my heart, is deceiving my husband. And I’m scared to death of this cross roads I’m at.
I agree with theresa that it’s difficult to be truthful about your feelings for someone. It’s all too easy sometimes to justify your actions when you don’t want to face reality, not just when it comes to something like this, but with anything, really…
I really didn’t want to read this.
But I guess I needed to.
Why does life have to be so complicated!!!
Can we truly say that our spouse is not up for the task at hand? How do we know? Sometimes it helps to let them know exactly what we need from them (spell it out if you have too).
Great point Stephanie. And spelling out what our needs are, in a way that doesn’t come across as attacking or belittling to men, is something that women often have a tough time with. They often wish their man would read their mind too; like he should just ‘know’ (or know BETTER). This is unrealistic and a set up for failure.
I have been through this exact same thing with my wife at the time. She did this early 3 times to me and yet, I thought if we just sit down and communicate our needs to each other, we could have repaired our marriage.
When she asked for a divorce, I was shocked and extremely hurt, but in hind sight it was the best thing for us (she had a lot of other issues stemming from her childhood that she never dealt with). She was ashamed how she handled herself, scared to tell me what she really needed in our marriage, so instead did “emotional infidelity” because it was easy.
We both sought counseling and she has found out who she is, for the most part. We are friendly and polite with each other (share a dog) but its not someone who I would be attracted to if I met her for the first time.
My biggest suggestion for all out there, do not be afraid to talk about what you need with your partner. Find out who you are, what makes you happy, and don’t give up the self for the sake of a relationship.
I love this site and am glad that I’ve found it! First time commenter, long time lurker.
The fatal blow to my 12 year marriage was finding out about my ex-husband’s online relationship with another woman. He, at first, admitted to being in a relationship but after separation decided it was not the case and I was just being an over-jealous wife who was looking for an excuse to pull the plug.
I would have rather had him have a sexual fling than the more intimate relationship I discovered. If it was a case of raging hormones or physical attraction, it would have been easier to justify and work past. But theirs was an emotional connection where intimacies were discussed, including her suggesting and detailing a divorce for us and marital issues my ex and I were facing discussed in detail and with scorn. To this day, neither of them thinks they did anything wrong.
To me, it was cheating. To him, it was not. I guess differences like that prove part of the reason why the marriage wasn’t going to last. I believe that the injured party gets the right to call it how they see it and yes- emotional, online relationships -to me- are cheating.