Shielding Your Kids From “The Heat” of Divorce
Studies have shown that it’s the ongoing hostilities between divorcing parents that really emotionally damage and traumatize children. So how do you protect your children’s emotional well-being if divorce matters are in the Red Zone, the two of you aren’t speaking, and you can’t even stand being in the same building as him/her?
You may ‘know’ you should smile and talk civilly and put on airs for the sake of the kids. But the truth is sometimes that’s a lot easier said than done – especially when every cell in your body goes to fire at the sight of him/her. Do you wonder/worry if your kids see through your facade?
As someone who has stood in these shoes, here are a few strategies I’ve implimented to safeguard my children’s well-being. And please, if anyone else has any other helpful pointers, please outline them in the comments below.
1. When issues are ‘hot’, make extra effort to talk highly of your ex when he/she ISN’T around. It can be easier to ‘pretend’ when he isn’t ten feet away. I personally try and mention my ex in a positive way at least once a day, whether it’s something he’s good at (ie: fixing things) or by encouraging the kids to ‘ask dad’ about something cause he’s more knowledgeable in a particular area. If you find it hard to talk nicely about him in the present, refer to incidents in the past. For example, tell anecdotes from when you were married and maybe some of the silly or funny things he did. Kids love to hear stories from our pasts, especially those that include them. Listen to your kids’ laughter and pay attention to their eyes and smiles on their faces – this is still heart-warming stuff, despite what may be transpiring in the present between the adults.
2. Wherever and whenever you see your ex, make the effort to stay ‘busy’ , ie: packing clothes, wiping noses, heck - read the newspaper if you have to. Just don’t stand there with a glazed-over angry look on your face, waiting till he’s finally gone. The kids’ are more likely to notice your hostility or superficial smile/voice if you’re standing there idle with your thoughts screaming in your head and oozing from your aura.
3. Tune into your kids and really allow yourself to be present with them during the interaction. Don’t waste your time monitoring your ex’s body language – he’s not the only person present; your kids are fluttering around too so stay tuned. Look at their innocent little eyes and facial expressions and ground yourself – THEY are the reason you CAN and WILL make this interaction grateful and warm. No matter WHAT is pounding inside of you, these beautiful little creatures are worth your efforts; so feel that in your skin and hold onto it. Empower yourself to be and act like the kind, loving, spiritual being and parent you really are.
8 comments
Great stuff Delaine. We all have slipped from time to time. But if we keep the rule in mind to never rip your ex in front of the kids,you will be better off. Not always easy, but worth it for your kids and the long term relationship with your kids.
ANGRY, BITTER BAD MOUTHING EX?
A common way to express anger is through negative comments about a former spouse or new step-parent. Your child may tell you that your ex-spouse or his or her new partner is saying bad things about you. The best way to handle this situation is to say: “I’m sorry they think that. They don’t live in this house, so they don’t really know what is happening here.” This shows your child that you are not intimidated by what is being said, and that that you know it isn’t true. It also allows your child to form his or her own opinion privately.
http://www.unhappymarriage.info
Scot, I had something similar happen to me about six months ago. My eldest son was eating breakfast with me, just the two of us, when he suddenly said: “Mom, when I was over at Dad’s house and Charles and Teresa were there, I heard them talking in the other room. And…I think they were talking about you. They were saying mean things and laughing at you.”
He looked so sad and confused when he said this, my heart was in my throat. I told him pretty much what you outlined above – that they weren’t around me enough to know any better, that they didn’t know me, and that no matter what, in life, not everyone is always going to say nice things about you. Sometimes people are mean…or jealous…and they feel good putting others’ down.” He said how hard it was to listen to them talk about me. At which point I told him that if it ever happened again, maybe he should walk away. I also assured him that though sometimes Dad and Mom get mad at each other, but we don’t hate each other. And as for them “laughing at me” – well gee, Mom’s a pretty funny gal! I’m OK with that. And even if they were being mean with it, I think I’ve pretty darn super, so who cares?? And my son laughed.
Of course I emailed my ex and told him what traspired – reminded him to watch for little ears. He said he had no idea what my son was talking about and he must have been mistaken (right – as if kids make this stuff up!). In the meantime, back in the primary residence, I just keep on saying nice things about my ex to my kids
I never cricize my soon-to-be-ex or say nasty things about him. On the other hand, I can’t exactly speak highly of him–I can’t think of a single positive thing to say, so I don’t say anything at all. I just say “pack your suitcases” to the kids every two weeks when the appointed hour draws nigh.
He and I never see each other or speak. The kids just walk out of the house to his waiting car at the appointed time. We are never in the same room or at the same place. We don’t speak on the telephone and I have sent the occasional “FYI” email, but there is no response.
I believe this is called “parallel parenting”–is that right?
I’m racking my brain to think of a single occasion in which we would be forced to stand in the same place, much less interact. I make all the decisions and care for the children for two weeks solid before the “every other weekend” playdate rolls around.
We were supposed to mediate the divorce agreements, but the STBX unilaterally decided against that. From now on, my lawyer will speak to his lawyer until the divorce is finished. We may avoid court if his lawyer advises him to settle, but at any rate we two most likely will never speak or interact again.
Luckily, my kids are not “beautiful little creatures” with “innocent little eyes.” They are worldly young adolescents of 14 and 12 who are very jaded about the whole situation and understand a great deal just from their brief visits to their father’s house.
My behavior is not bitter, angry, or hostile. Rather, I would call my behavior “accepting.” There is no interaction anymore. It just is what it is.
i get divorced after 11 months ,yes after i have my son , my kid was just 2 month, his father didnt see him after that , now he is 4 years, i tried severaL TIMES to talk him about his dad, but now i think its the time , he started to ask me where is my dad, so i used to tell him he is busy , he is in another country ,but he love u , he send money to u everytime i asked him, but his father dont wont to talk to him or even speak to him, this day i fase the situation , i talked to my son,while ive been talking i tried to smile and watch his eyes, hes been comfortable , and accept the matter , then he said i hate my father ,, so i shouted nooooo, dont talk like this about ur father , he send u clothes when uve been a child and still sending money to u for all ur needs which is the truth . my kid smile and said okay , maybe one day we will met dad when he is ready .i love both of u.
Thanks for the advice Delaine, it helped me overcome the anger that sits in me right now.
But I do have a question…what if you suddenly doubt the ability of your partner to take care of your child?
My soontobeX has always been a responsible father and for that I have great respect for him. This is also the reason why I agreed to split our daughter’s time between us 50 – 50.
But since the separation, he has shown a side of him that I never saw. Maybe he got intoxicated with the high of being free again, that he went back to his partying, drinking, dating pattern. Since then, he has asked me numerous times to change schedules with him because he has been invited to a party and just now, he sent me a message asking if it is his night to be with Sam which just made me furious!! I thought, “he cannot even remember when he is supposed to be with our daughter?!”
I don’t want to fight with him but I really am not comfortable with how he’s acting right now. I don’t know whether to give him a piece of my head or just not say anything and let him realize things on his own….i just hope it will not be too late.
Malou, I can totally relate to your situation, but can’t explain in detail because I’m soon going to court. That being said, MAKE SURE you are documenting EVERYTHING: his behavior, the cancellations, whatever. This was something people told me to do from the outset but I never listened cause I was hoping for the best…stupid me. Pay very close attention to the kids…symptoms WILL show up in some form through their comments/actions.
Secondly, I would suggest you ask him to go see a child psychologist with you (which I recommend to all divorcing couples anyway). Keep your reasons general and say you think it’s in the kids’ best interest as you navigate your divorce and new responsibilities. Bring it up THERE, in front of a professional third party – your ex will get a wrist-slapping, and hopefully you two will better communicate thereafter.
Although it saddens me to make this next comment – and I know not ALL dads are like this – I’ve see it happen numerous times where men got 50% custody of the kids, but then they found it too..err…hard. Who knows exactly why…maybe there’s a learning curve on being a single parent for them, maybe they never had the kids alone much during their marriage, maybe their new single lives are just more appealing to them and they don’t know how to put their kids and responsibilities first. But from what I’ve seen, a lot of men have good intentions (plus they don’t want to pay extra support), but end up bowing out on time with the kids: ie – can’t attend a child’s soccer game but can go to the gym himself. Not ALL men are like this, but a lot. Scary to think what might happen if they end up in a new relationship and have a new family…
So again: document everything AND spend a hundred bucks for an hour with a child psychologist. The stress you feel now will only get worse if things aren’t put under control. That’s not fair to you, and certainly not your children.
When you’re in the red-zone, or know you’re getting there and would rather abide by “Grandma’s Rule” that you can always do a little better, or if you know deep down that all relationships are a mirror of sorts that say as much about you as the ‘Other,’ then co-parenting therapy, or individual counseling, may be right for you.