Important Considerations During Divorce: What would happen to your kids IF…?
This past week, Mother Nature unleashed her winter wrath up here in Calgary, Alberta. We’re talking large dumps of snow and temperatures than hovered between -25 and -40 C (that’s -12 to -40 F). And though I’m accustomed to extreme weather conditions being a born and bred Canuck, something REALLY stood out for me during this cold bout: awareness of my own mortality…and the effect my death or a serious injury would have on my young children.
I don’t know if it’s because my 40th birthday lies on the horizon that I’ve become increasingly concerned (paranoid?). It also didn’t help when I heard the story of a woman in her late thirties who hit black ice, flipped her car and today is confined to a wheelchair. Regardless, I realize that there are matters I need to tie up to protect and care for my kids – just in case. Here are few points you, too, may need to tend to:
1) An up-to-date will. When I hired a lawyer two years ago at the beginning of my divorce, I created another will. I figured that since I was forking out some major cash anyway for legal services, why not pay an extra $200 to properly lay out a will, too. I must say I’ve felt a great sense of peace taking care of this – it’s one less thing to lose sleep over.
2) A life insurance policy on the former spouse that names you as either the beneficiary or trustee of the children’s money. Ideally, your ex would keep you or name as you as the beneficiary of an insurance policy. This way you’d have total control over how the money is spent on your children. That being said, it takes trust, good-will, and respect between the exes in order for that to happen – nonetheless, I’ve seen it happen. And it never hurts to ask.
If your ex doesn’t name you as the beneficiary but your children are, you should then do whatever you can to become the trustee. This gives you the ability to spend the insurance money on the children as their needs arise, ie: educational programs. If you are NOT named the trustee, you should find out who is and carefully consider whether or not problems may arise. What if your ex names his/her new wife as trustee and you two don’t get along? They can and may give you a lot of headache as you try to access the money. Do you want to be producing receipts and asking permission regarding your children’s life choices from someone who might be unreasonable and/or condescending? Please be aware that it is well within your rights to not only request but fight for the trustee position, especially if this policy was created during your marriage and one that you also contributed to.
3) A life insurance policy in your name. Again, even it’s small, at least it’s something…and it’s worth its weight in peace of mind.
15 comments
Hi,
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Jennifer
I’ve been divorced for ten years. As of six months ago both my children were grown and gone.
I’m very set in my ways. I’m enjoying being alone for the first time in 25 years.
This MY home and MY life and right now I like it just as it is and can’t imagine sharing too much of it with someone else.
I feel sure that if someone came along and I fell in love I’d be more than willing to move or and make room for him.
I think the reason we become “set in our ways” plays a big part in whether or not we are open to sharing our lives with someone.
People who stay single due to fear or anger at their situation are going to have a harder time with a new relationship.
Those are the people at risk of taking themslves and their lives to seriously.
It’s your life. YOUR life. I don’t see anything wrong with treating it as your life and not a life that you’re currently keeping warm until another man comes along.
As long as “being set in your ways” doesn’t cause you problems in general then I don’t see anything wrong with enjoying being single; enjoying having your house and your schedule exactly the way you want them to be.
There’s no need to live perpetually in a state of being prepared to make compromises in the way you want to have things just in case someone else comes along.
Independence is a great, great thing. Why not keep your independence while also having a great relationship – you don’t HAVE to live with the man you’re dating.
There’s so many different ways to define your relationships – I think perhaps as we get older, we come to understand that better and realize that we don’t have to compromise ourselves or our independence to be in a fulfilling relationship. They’re not mutually exclusive.
And if living together does involve giving up independence and making compromises and changes you’re not happy with then maybe you’re not supposed to be living together anyway. I dunno… it just seems to me that women are expected to be always flexible and that knowing what you want and getting it is a character flaw.
I think that’s a really good point Anlina – that we don’t ever HAVE to live with a man we date or have a relationship with.
I think it comes to down to being self-aware – and finding a balance that is healthy that really works for us. I do think people can become creatures of habit though, and we need to push ourselvs out of comhort zones sometimes to see what’s on the other side of living – the joys and the challenges.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with enjoying alone time and being independent. But if one starts screaming at kids to stay off the lawn, then she should known she’s taking ‘alone’ too far; the world will bring aloneness to her in a whole new way.
I don’t think most women can stay single very long after a divorce (maybe a year or two before they can’t stand not having their own man again). A man can manage staying single a lot better. Most women are too emotionally needy; men are not. All a man really needs is sex occasionally. Men don’t need all the emotional crap that women need on a daily basis. Women need a husband in their life to self-validate their existance (just dating or living with a man isn’t enough).
Just the thought of potentially being at home alone on the couch or alone sleeping at night is too scary for a woman. Women need a man to talk to, cry on, yell at, have sex, etc… and they want to be able to tell their female friends about their husband. Divorced women don’t like being in a group of women who are married. They feel very insecure and envious. Conversely, single men are usually envied by married men (most of w hom are in bad or failing marriages and probably wish they were single again). I think most women can talk tough and say they can make it without a husband, but I don’t believe that is true at all. Most women will tell you in confidence they hate being single and want to find a husband. The problem is women hang on to their baggage from previous marriages a lot more than men. Men can get over things more easily.
Women constantly think about things from the past and apply that to whatever is currently going on. Thats why over 75 percent of second and third marriages fail. Men aren’t perfect, but it’s just too damn complicated to get involved with a divorced woman on a second or third marriage, especially is she has kids under the age of 18.
If you get divorced, your best bet is to just live with someone (don’t get married again). That way, if you split up (and you probably eventually will) it won’t be as complicated and emotionally draining.
A few facts for you Patrick…not opinion but fact.
1. 75% of divorced men and 60% divorced women remarry
2. Men who remarry do so within 3.6 years, women who remarry do so within 3.9 years.
3. Compared with women, men remarry sooner and more often and generally marry someone a few years younger.
4. Divorced men have higher rates of remarriage and remarry sooner following divorce than women.
5. It is true that divorced women are less likely than divorced men to want to remarry (after all, they are happier than the men with being divorced). But both groups do remarry at very high rates–and soon. About 80% of divorced men and 75% of divorced women remarry whether or not they have children, and most do so within three years.
References:
StepFamilies by Roni Berger
http://family.jrank.org/pages/1381/Remarriage-Factors-Affecting-Likelihood-Remarriage-after-Divorce-or-Death-Spouse.html#ixzz0MsPkEFVL
http://www.psych.ku.edu/dennisk/PF642/Single%20Parenting%20Remarriage%20and%20Blended%20Families.pdf
http://www.divorcesource.com/CA/ARTICLES/peter1.html
I became separated 3 years ago after a verbally and physically abusive marriage. Someone I knew from a former work place heard the news, looked me up and convinced me to give him a chance. My divorce became final 8 months after dating this man. He talked of marriage in the beginning and pressured me into becoming engaged. What was I thinking??? I had told him I was very happy on my own and very independent. But that didn’t stop him. I said yes to the engagement over a year ago. Now I want out. I am so happy living by myself it’s gotten to the point I spend less and less time with him and when I do see him I can’t wait to leave. Fortunately, he lives over 2 hours away. I love having my own place, etc., etc. I am 57 and what reason would I have to marry someone and do all the wifey duties!!!? Been there, done that. Things are always good for the first year…however, soon after it changes. Love yourself and be happy!!!
I wish I had seen Patrick’s response a year ago but then again, I might have ripped into him. But as I sit here a year later, 2 years after my divorce, I am definitely in a much better frame of mind. I was in a 26 year abusive and difficult marriage. Because of what I went through, I have no plans on remarrying any time soon. I have not dated nor have I wanted to date. I really enjoy my time, freedom and the ability to come and go as I please and spend my money where I see fit with out being given the 3rd degree. I do not have to listen to someone berate me about my looks, cooking and how I parent. It has been wonderful!!! I have accomplished more in the last 2 years than I ever did in the 26 years that I was married. So Patrick, you are very wrong! My ex-husband (a man), on the other hand has been in and out of relationships while we were married and is presently engaged to be married just 2 1/2 years after our divorce.
Rebel Rose it’s great to hear you’re in a stronger, better place! I too, am still single at the three and a half-year mark into my divorce and though I’ve dated quite a bit, my focus has really been on me and learning to stand on my own. It feels awesome in so many ways. Freeing, empowering, and for the most part, I’m pretty darn happy with who I’ve become. I really don’t believe I’d be feeling this good about myself had I jumped into another relationship sooner; I was a lot more broken that I realized…and to this day, I avoid separated or recently divorced because of same:)
I think I am chiming in a bit on the late side of this conversation, but I think you all will appreciate what I have to say.
I divorced from an eight year marriage in 1995 – fifteen years ago this November. I have been independent ever since. Like Delaine, in the early years after my divorce I found I was a lot more broken than I realized.
It was really difficult being alone with three little girls – 2, 5, and 7. I had no job, no money, and nowhere to go. I kicked him out. I made him choose between me and the kids, or his alcohol. He chose the alcohol. What a blow to my heart; not to mention the girls’.
The hard cold, surface of rock bottom is a real character builder. You find out real fast the incredible strength and resilience that lives inside a woman; and a mother.
Over the last fifteen years I have become ‘set in my ways’ but, not like the ways of my grandparents. I know who I am, where I am going, and more importantly what I value in relationships; and men. I learned I don’t want a fixer-upper. I value a man who is emotionally, physically, and financially stable. Those men are hard to find – especially in your mid-life.
I used to worry about spending my golden years alone. (I’m only 42) Now, I don’t worry about it so much. It’s not the important thing. I still date on ocassion, but finding a man is not the most important thing in my life.
HI Donna – it’s NEVER too late to join in a conversation on here cause women visit and revisit many of the same issues at different times, regardless of when an article was first posted. And how we feel about living alone is definitely one of the biggies.
Thank you for sharing some of the details of your story. I personally find them fascinating and inspiring as you and I are so close in age and yet you are much further along the path since you divorced 15 years ago and your children are now much older. I get the sense that you’ve used this time to focus on you and raising your three girls and I think it’s important women realize it’s OK to channel their energies into those areas instead of fixating on finding another partner. One of my gfs constantly reminds me that in lots of ways it would be blessing for me NOT to get serious with a man at this point in my divorce because it frees me to really focus on other areas of my life and be my ship’s captain. And as time goes on, in many ways I think she’s right – not just for me but for my kids because I keep this solid and they know what to expect.
There’s a time for everything – and a relationship is probably something that was best meant to come your way later rather than sooner. You will know something real and good when you see it, and feel confident in your decision-making abilties since you’ve earned a sense of Self since divorcing that many are envious to acheive. Please do keep sharing your thoughts on here when you can – it gives inspiration and hope to others (myself included!).
I have been divorced now for 7 years. I love being on my own! I have 3 kids and share cutody with there father. I have no desire to have a guy in my life nor do I want to date. Men NEED women a lot more that we need them. I am in the best shape of my life. MY LIFE. I can do what I want when I want. Being without a man in my life for 7 years has given me time to work on me. I have desire to ever remarry and quite frankly am content to stay single. I have 3 children adding a guy to the mix would like 4 kids….no thank you!
I have been flying solo now for 5 years after being married to a controling, negative man. I dated a man within 3months of my divorce basically to prove to myself that at 39 I still had sizzle. We dated for a year and we broke it off after he announced that I wouldn’t be happy within anyone unless they were just like me. Big ahh moment. I would be happier with someone like me…me! I haven’t been happier and have zero desire to bring someone other that my children and my sweet friend into my life. Life is good, really good.
What a silly article. OMG, “are we *TOO* independent?” Nobody seems to care if people get “too” accustomed to living with somebody, but we need ALARM BELLS if you’ve been single after your divorce for two years. Seriously, when will women wake up?
And I would bet good money that Patrick C. is on his fourth marriage, to a Russian or Thai mail order bride in her early 20s.