Anger & Mistrust of Men: Have Your Walls Become Your Prison?
Do you ever wonder if divorce and/or infidelity have ‘hardened’ you? I don’t mean ‘hardened’ as in “made you stronger.” I mean as in, “encased you in a shell of mistrust and bitterness towards the opposite sex.”
Cause that’s what happened to me; I wasn’t even conscious of it at the time. Truth is, to this day, I still sometimes struggle with it. And I find it kind of scary – cause even though these feelings are a natural part of the grieving process, I can see how it would be easy to get stuck in them for too long. Some people never move beyond them… right?
I started building ‘walls’ between myself and men somewhere around eight months into my divorce. I’d already been out there dating for a few months by that point – which was more like me running around with my heart on my sleeve trying desperately to find a ‘replacement partner.’
But by the eight-month mark something shifted in me. I’d become more comfortable with the dating scene and realized I didn’t need to ‘panic’ - I even gave myself permission to fully ‘explore’ what the dating/sex scene had to offer. At the same time, however, I began processing my divorce/infidelities. And my ‘walls’ started going up – with ANGER and FEAR OF BEING HURT AGAIN acting as chief foremen.
My Anger proclaimed that I’d never again be a man’s doormat - not even for a moment – as I had in past relationships and in my marriage. Never again was a man going to rip my heart out by fucking other women behind my back; he’d never get close enough for me to care. Never again was I going to be the one who chased men, who spent hours daydreaming over ‘what might be’ – hell, figuring out men was a waste of my time and an insult to my purpose for being alive. I resolved that if a man wanted me, if he was TRULY worthy of me, he would not only pursue me with every ounce of his being, he’d have to be brave enough, strong enough, to blast through my walls and swoop me up…
And I’d laugh…God there were times that I’d laugh at and criticize men . I felt like I’d finally learned the truth about them; that I’d inflated them to be these magnificently evolved creatures when in fact, most were simple-minded, penis-lead duds who didn’t deserve the time of day. I felt like I’d been stupidly fooled and manipulated into believing that when a woman offers a man her heart, he’d treasure it, protect it, cherish it – not drop it on the floor as soon as a finely-dressed pussy walked by.
I even felt angry at our partriarchal society at large – for I’d spent my whole life hearing men comment about how women are ‘too fat”, “too old”, “her boobs are too small” etc, and every wounded part of my Woman Soul wanted to scream at them to get their priorities straight, to go home and look after their children, to work hard and pay support because it’s the right thing to do, to stop blaming us for everything, to open up their mouths and communicate for once from their souls, to evolve into who I THOUGHT they were, who they CAN be, if they’d just take their brains out of their pants…
(Shaking head)…Again, I wasn’t even aware of what was happening inside me. I was blaming the entire male species for the horrible transgressions done to me by a couple of men. Higher and wider the stones on my wall grew. I felt safe. Empowered. I had complete ownership of my heart in here.
But then…then the universe usurped control of my fortress: it sent in a Good Man when I wasn’t looking. And it was he, this Good Man – a man who was but a written voice on my computer, a man who I made jump through hoops to earn my trust and friendship, who announced: “You’ve got these huge walls up around yourself,Delaine. And I understand that they’re there to protect you…
But you’ve built them so high that you set men up for failure before they even start. And I’m warning you to be careful. Cause the Woman inside those walls is absolutely beautiful…but she’s blocking out any chance she may have at love and happiness; she’s becoming her own prisoner.”
One day months later, as I sat looking way up at the walls I’d constructed, I began to see the truth of his words. Slowly, hesitantly, I began dismantling them. And strangely enough, the more blocks I pulled down, the lighter I began to feel; it was like fresh air blowing through a room in my soul. Moreover – why lookee here at who had shown up: standing in my courtyard and reaching out to me were MORE Good Men. And I smiled, thinking: Ah.. a few Brave Men were sent to coax the Angry Woman out of her fortress.
I’m not going to say my walls are totally gone now; a couple of recent ‘mishaps’ have shown me I definitely still have work to do. Plus, a part of me still kind of needs the walls - to ward off the simple-minded, penis-lead-duds – I mean, ‘less suitable” men out there in the dating trenches.
But I’m aware of when I’m being defensive; I’m aware of when a trigger has been hit and I’m falsely blaming someone else for an old transgression. And on the whole, I’d have to say I’m happier and lighter within my relationships with men AND myself than ever before; I’m getting there.
And so I hope that my insane story lingers at the back of your mind to serve you somehow. May it comfort you in your Dark Phase if that’s where you are now. But may it also remind that you’re to be there only temporarily. Cause you can’t build up walls that shut out the other half of the species without you serving a painful sentence yourself.
7 comments
Well self preservation is a natural reaction. If you don’t put your heart out there it can’t be broken. But that will surely keep you out of range of the good guys.
I had an aunt who was divorced and betrayed while in her forties and I swear to God, she never recovered from it – the anger and bitterness she felt not only never disappeared, it got worse. Now that she’s in her seventies I sadly say I look at her and am terrified: That is definitely NOT where I want to end up.
As Sage said above, the walls we build are about self-preservation. But there’s the anger component too, and anger tends to be something that women bury within themselves and become depressed because of, instead of learning how to express it in an effective and healthy way.
Sometimes I too, feel the rage, Delaine. It’s one thing to be left for another woman (which attacks you on every level of your being admittedly or not), but when he then goes on to neglect his children and act like a total jerk in the divorce process, it’s hard to keep that anger and despair under control.
I guess time has a way of helping us sort our feelings and our lives into the proper compartments… But right now, I know I’m a dangerous force to be reckoned with in the dating department – my tolerance for men’s selfish behaviors and attitudes are at an all-time low. And though it may seem awful to say, it sometimes feels really good to call-them out and put them down – not to their face, but in conversations with gfs.
Building walls IS a natural reaction, and in some ways argues for a women’s ability to preserve the most important parts of themselves. But it’s also dangerous because it closes doors, not just on relationships with men, but with relationships with themselves! That heaviness can drag down our best intentions to go out and do instead of stay in and be safe. But if there’s any time more worthy of a fresh start and fresh eyes, it’s after the storm and wind of a terrible break-up or divorce. We can uncover all those things we MEANT to do and be. That reinvention can be incredible, terrifying, and horribly difficult, but it is so necessary in so many ways!
Funny in a way. I beleive my wife has had these walls before I ever met her. Her past marriages and past affairs sum it up.
Yet, Now after a decade of no intimacy of any type, her affairs and deception with past partners since we’ve been together has brought me to your point.
I thought women and my wife where carring and loving creatures by nature. I now realize they are not. I thought women want love and understanding. I thought women want hope and sharing but they don’t do they?
Women want a husband like an accessory, someone to donate spirm for their biological urge. To fix the house and pay bills. To allow them too feel normal or ok because they have married.
I thought women want a partner to share the wonders that life and a family can bring. But they don’t do they?
It doesn’t matter what a man does because there comes a time when his wife will begin tearing him down, decaying his soul and then when he’s destroyed internally and zapped of self, she will begin the new phase of distruction because he doesn’t seem to feel like he’s happy.
A man will keep trying only to be met with rejection after rejection and his once loving wife will cheat or divorce him telling all how deficult he is to live with.
This is the real truth because if you look close at all the men you no in your life the majority are unhappy and just existing. Taking their daily dose of verbal and psycological abuse from their loving wives ( You know the ones that everybody say “She’s so nice”)
Yes girls I was once a pretty happy man who loved and cared deeply for his wife.
I was an artist and musician. I wanted to give that gift to my kids.
But now I have walls and I don’t beleive I can ever trust women from what I have seen. I have become the walking dead at times and pain and missory has become a familiar mood. Thankyou lady’s and thank you my once sweet and loving wife.
I hope my sons never get married because the thought of them having to endure what I have is awful.
Joe, I know how you feel. Except i was the wife and had a husband who treated me the same way. I have been divorced for 7 years and the walls I have up are the size of skyscrapers. I remember being forced to have sex and if i didnt i would be called names and put down and treated horrible. Even if it had only been 2 days since the last time we had sex I was still treated horribly if i didnt. Which naturally made me not want to. I would give in so he would stop being mean to me. Now I cant even look men in the eyes without feeling uncomfortable. So please dont blame all women for what was done to you. And i will try to not blame all men for what was done to me. Easier said than done…I know
Putting up walls is something that can happen consciously or unconsciously. And as Sage said, self preservation is a natural reaction. You were hurt and you don’t want to be hurt again. What being hurt teaches us is to maybe be more cautious the next time, and the time after that, and that trust is something to be earned and not given freely. Sometimes we miss out on a good person because of those walls, but then again if the person is truly the one for us, they will see the walls, and work every day to chip away at them and earn our trust and love. They will know that we’ve been hurt and do everything in their power to make up for that hurt and let us know that they will never treat us like that.
Mari’s point about anger is also very valid, and in some cases that anger can and will become devastating and will not allow us to function normally. It will prohibit us from ever having a good, stable relationship. Yes, we’re angry at the people who betrayed us. But the important thing we have to realize is that it is their issue, and not a reflection of us or who we are. That’s a hard place to get to, but once you are there you can see that you are a person worthy of love and respect and you won’t settle for anything less than you deserve.
[...] Anger & Mistrust of Men – I Am Divorced Not DeadJan 9, 2011 … Do you ever wonder if divorce and/or infidelity have ‘hardened’ you? I don’t mean ‘hardened’ as in “made you stronger.” I mean as in, … [...]