What Kind Of Man Wants ‘Serious’ With A Single Mom?
So I broke up with someone last week – a single dad of two. He’s the first man I’ve gone out with since divorcing that I contemplated getting serious with whatsoever. But even though we got along brilliantly, even though he said he was crazy about me, one main thing deterred his interest: the fact that I have three kids. And I admit, it slapped me in the face and kind of hurt. Not because my feelings were that deep for him – but because this scenario has always been one of my greatest fears…how about you?
When he first expressed his feelings to me (via email), I admit I was mad and wanted to scream, “You’re a F***’ing coward!” I mean, jeez, he’s a parent too, and he’d rambled on about how he’s learned to take risks and grab life by the horns since divorcing. Guess I found myself another ‘talker’, not ‘walker’….
But I didn’t lash out. Instead, I deleted his phone numbers and email address as gestures of “screw you.” And those rituals made me feel somewhat better - gone, done, whatever; the past few years have well-trained me for sudden endings…
Over the next few days, my anger turned to forlornness as my mind drifted to my closest girlfriends, both whom are divorced moms and are now in serious relationships. For there are BIG differences between their situations and mine: first, they only have two kids, not three (doesn’t each child you have up the ‘intimidation factor’?). Two, their ex-husbands take their children often and on a regular schedule. Mine doesn’t. Bottom line is I’m a TRULY-full-time mom. Any man who falls for me also has to be prepared to be strong step-father figure. How many men out there want THAT? I mean, when you cross out all the divorced dads my age who are carrying emotional cargo on thier backs AND you cross out all the non-dad bachelors who are set in their me-focused worlds, who am I left with?
But a few more days to think on it, has me shaking me off my blues and holding my head high. In fact, I almost find my brain’s need to figure out the ‘grim odds’ of my meeting such a man laughable. Why? Many reasons. And darn right, I’m going to share them:
Number one, I LOVE being a mom and would never change that for a second! I love the fact my house is constantly full of kids and my weekends are slotted with family activities. Moreover, I KNOW my kids are so loving and open to having a strong male figure in their lives that whoever takes on that role one day is going to be thanking his lucky stars! My children and our lifestyle will be a blessing/bonus to him, not a hindrance.
Secondly, just because I’ve been programmed to believe I’m ‘missing something’ just because I’m a mom with no man in her life, doesn’t make it true. My life is full and joyful in MANY respects, even if I don’t have everything figured out. If there’s anything the chaos of infidelity and divorce has taught me these past years it’s that I’m way stronger than I ever thought, and life is to be lived right NOW. Sometimes, in my mind’s eye, I see myself at eighty years old, scolding the Delaine of today: “Stop thinking so damn much!” she says. “Just get out there and enjoy yourself!” I’m young, healthy, attractive, smart, and hey – I can still enjoy the many pleasures of dating different men. I’d be a fool NOT to take advantage of the male opportunities I’m presented with.
Thirdly, even if THIS guy wasn’t THE guy for me, I am so very pleased and proud of myself for allowing myself to take a risk and actually feel for a man again; it’s been a long time coming! And how lucky am I that I discovered his take on things before I got too invested. No – he wasn’t meant to be my new life-partner, he was meant to be a stepping stone, a well-lit beacon reminding me of how far I’ve already come. Moreover, in the big scheme of things, I’ve a strong sense that my relationship with this man was ultimately designed to test my Big Looming Fear – the one that said, “You’re unlovable and unworthy because you’re a single mom.”
It’s funny eh? How our brains race ahead trying to figure out our futures for us? And how they trick us into believing it’s all bad? But I call bullshit on mine here. Instead I pull from my pool of ‘truths’ which are solidified every time something goes astray in my life : I need to focus on WHAT I want, and let the universe figure out the HOW. In my heart, I TRULY believe that there is a wonderful match out there for everyone. And some incredible man is going to look at me and my three kids and say, “WOW. This is EXACTLY what I want.” He will adore me in ways I’ve yet to experience, and love my children like his own because he is truly THAT great a man.
And even though that kind of man/person is a rare breed, one that is the exception, not the rule in today’s day in age, I WANT exceptional. And I know he’s out there looking for me/ us.
10 comments
I can really empathize, Delaine. I’ve had my kids about 95% of the time, for going on 9 years. It’s a very different scenario than the typical “single mom, single dad” split, in which you get chunks of time off on a regular basis. It’s not easy, but I can’t imagine my life without my amazing kids, and the time I’ve spent with them.
And I agree with Cathy. A man who won’t appreciate your family as much as he appreciates you isn’t the right man. Just as a woman who meets a full-time single dad needs to want the built-in family as part of the package.
You have all the odds in your favor – youth, smarts, health, looks, confidence. That Doubt Monster can take a hike!
I guess I am somehow the odd woman out here….I have been dating a man since January who truly loves the fact that I’m a mom, and loves spending time with me and my kids. He is divorced with a son the same age as my kids. He wants to be with us for the good and the bad, sat with me for days during and after my surgery, and talks about the future of us as a family. He says that the fact that I’m an amazing mom is one of my most attractive qualities. There are days when my ex is acting badly and I apologize to him for bringing him into the mess that is my life. He simply replies that he wouldn’t want it any other way.
Thanks for the empathy BigLittleWolf – good timing too – My ex just told my son he won’t be home for another four weeks and he’s already been away for two. 95% of the time you’ve had your kids? ME TOO!
But hearing your story, Susan, makes me smile and fills me with hope. Sounds like you have a Magnificent Man in your life and I’m very happy for you and your children – they deserve it too.
When I think of the possibility of merging my family with that of a man’s in future,sure, it scares me a bit, but it doesn’t make me run away screaming! I KNOW it will be hard in many ways; lots of new challenges will come our way. But I know I have room in my heart to love more children. I think having a bigger family could be an awesome thing!
But I also have the courage to take that on. I know that life and how we define ‘family’ can change; we have to be prepared for unusual in today’s day and age – gone are the times of the Cosby family being the norm. But to close down and reject a person simply because of his/her offspring? That’s rather sad to me. But, I guess everyone’s entitled to ‘dealbreakers’ in the dating trenches.
Anyway, thanks for your imput ladies. Much appreciated.
I loved this article. I applaud you for being human and courageous to take a risk and grow from your experience. I related to your experience as it was similar to mine and I felt that through the process of healing during or post-divorce, there might be experiences that one goes through to learn more about herself.
You deserve exceptional m’dear and when the time is right, he’ll enter your life.
Thanks ‘C1425′. Like I said, I like to think of it as ‘he’s looking for me/us’ – sounds a bit more romantic, no?
Us women are so good at undermining ourselves. We often look at ourselves first and ask, What did I do that made him not like me? instead of accepting that the ‘lack’ was in him, not us. I’ve played different versions of this internal tape over and over again at different times in my life and damn, I am so sick of it! I refuse to buy into it this time, and I hope other single moms out there who read this remember to uphold their worth too; dating again can be tough… but oh, the personal lessons (and fun) we can find:)
Men like this are very much the exception. I’ve found a lot of women who just do not believe they exist. They want to believe, but for a guy to get past all the “tests” she is going to dump on him, so that he can prove that he is real, is quite astounding.
It’s tough really. Anyone who is divorced and says they have no baggage is lying. They may not realize it to themselves, but over time when a woman starts to demonstrate something that triggers an emotion, then he finds out his baggage.
That’s what makes it very difficult to meet the one you should be with when they are the first ones after a divorce.
Finding men who are ready to take on more children will always be an issue. But I’m confident that when you find one, you will know it, and it will be one of the reasons why you end up loving them even more.
“Over time when a woman starts to demonstrate something that triggers an emotion, then he finds out his baggage.”
Travis, I thought of this comment you made the other night when I was speaking with a new man online. We’d had numerous emaile exchanges and were getting along really well. He told me he was divorced but it was all in the past and he’d moved on, was 100% healed, etc etc. WELL, when I told him I write for Divorced Women Online, boy did his tune change – suddenly I heard about how all women my age are angry, man-hating, money hungry, ra ra feminist ‘douche bags’. And I thought whoa…someone has major buried cargo and phew, was he an angry man!
I’m sure we all have triggers when we go into new relationships, some of which are unconscious. But man, hearing this guy go off was scary – one never knows what lurks beneath the surface!
It’s definitely not an easy life when you are left to bring up the kids on your own .
My job is to teach kids how to fly fish along a secured waterway here in Ireland and i find more and more single parents presenting their inquisitive 10 to 12 year old boys to us for tuition in the angling field .
Some young mother’s are left in a serious state after divorce or separation .
The world they were expecting was not the world they got , and all of a sudden ” The End. ”
But remember …. It’s not worth taking on a serious relationship if the full package is not excepted . And remember another slight concern . ” Will the kids except Him ”
[ very very important ]
Plus … We are also forgetting child abuse are we not? When does a stranger not become a stranger ??????????
Of course we all need love and deserve happiness in this old world , but , as they used to say in ” Hill street Blues ”
” LETS BE CAREFULL OUT THERE ”
I’m sorry about the negativity , but i’m just concerned …..good luck to you all .
Daniel
Thanks Cathy. It was comforting to read your article, or more to the point see my feelings in writing.
Don’t we like to waste our time over analyis everything instead of enjoying the moment and lessons that life brings.
Love Michelle x (Australia – Divorced 2 yrs – 3 children)
I think over-analysing situations is a female thing. One we should all spend less time doing.