Top 3 Memorable Date Moments of 2011
Ah, another year…another year of dating (smile).
2011 brought its shares of up and downs in the dating trenches for this divorced mother of three. Not as crazy as years previous (phew!), but memorable just the same.
Thus – a quick peek back at my most memorable date moments – what shocked me, rattled me, and warmed my heart. There are lessons inherent in every date we go on if we look for them!
1) Rob the Rejector. Rob and I dated maybe half a dozen times and I quite liked him. But on our final date together, he told me was getting attached to me – and that really concerned him because, as he’d mentioned before, he wasn’t keen to be involved with someone who has three kids. (His kids were fully grown; didn’t want to ‘go back’ to that). I totally understood and appreciated his honesty. But since we got along so well I asked if he’d like us to be friends with benefits. His response? “I don’t know how to do that. I can’t continue having sex with you without developing strong feelings.”
Lessons learned: Having kids can be a dealbreaker to some. It hurts to hear it; sometimes it’s irritating, too. But better to know the truth. Also, the way that Rob expressed that he couldn’t have sex without attachment was very endearing to me; sex isn’t just a physical act to all men. It was sweet to watch and hear him say it.
2) Mister “I’m Not Into Monogamy.” Yup, I sure wrote about this guy. It was pretty shocking to come face to face with someone of this outlook on our fist date. I’m just glad he laid his cards out so quickly: spared me potential hurt further down the line. And in the end, though his views made me think hard about faithfulness, what it means to me, and the nature of humans and love, my opinion was reinforced: I AM into monogamy!
3) The Cheating Cowboy. Yessiree, I wrote about this guy too; got a lot of flack from readers for it as well. Turned out that this smooth-talking cowboy was married – and playing me to a T. In the end, I chose to out him and tell his wife. That’s right – I didn’t just silently bow my head and walk away. And to this day, I wouldn’t change my choice. Even though I got called everything from a home-wrecker to a bitch with anger issues. The bottom line to me was that his wife needed to know; what she did with the info was her business. And I would do it again tomorrow if a similar thing transpired.
As I said above, there are lessons inherent in every date we go on – we just need to look for them. If a date doesn’t turn into Mr or Mrs Right it doesn’t mean it was a waste of time. It can be a mirror. It can test us to discover new things about ourselves. It can test our morality, and sometimes even bring us face to face with light or darker parts of our personalities. All I know for 100% sure is that sitting at home, crying in our tea or swearing off the opposite sex only yields one definitive thing: aloneness. Life is much more interesting and fun when we come out of hiding and embrace it : )
7 comments
As a result of “The Cheating Cowboy” I also took part in outing a person who was cheating on his girlfriend (with a girlfriend of mine). This was the 2nd time that I was aware this person doing this (I was the first “other woman” so I know of what I speak) and I just knew that it was a pattern and that his girlfriend at the time deserved more than a guy who was always going to cheat and look for the next better thing that might come along. He of course felt betrayed by me, but his girlfriend was completely appreciative and thankful that someone had the courage to let her know what he was up to.
Wow, Susan, I didn’t know about this, nor that my experience influenced your decision. I’m sure it was a hard choice to make and do, as it was for me. But in the end, the woman victim was appreciative, eh? Played out exactly the same as the woman victim in my scenario. I think people too often assume the victim is weaker than she really is; we don’t do them any favors by keeping them in the dark. Even the sweetest, kindest, most sensitive women and moms are capable of handling the ‘truth’; they can make their own choices too.
I enjoy your page Delaine but I honestly find your assessments somewhat confusing at times.
You note in your article that
‘I asked if he’d [Rob] like us to be friends with benefits’ and then you go on to note ‘he couldn’t have sex without attachment was very endearing to me; sex isn’t just a physical act to all men. It was sweet to watch and hear him say it. ‘
To get this straight…you are complimenting Rob (and some men) by noting sex is not just a physical act to them but you have no issues with a woman asking to be Friends with Benefits?
Casual, non-emotional sex for women is fine while men should be held to a higher moral standard?
Thanks for the clarification.
Good morning, Katherine, great to hear from you.
I liked this man and enjoyed our friendship; plus I found him very attractive. But I wasn’t emotionally attached to him, Katherine; I knew I could control my feelings and accept our relationship in a friends with benefits capacity. Truth be told, I was very sexually attracted to him and would have loved to continue sharing bedroom time with him. I don’t have a moral problem with that; I love sex, we had great chemistry (inside and outside the bedroom), and I think wonderful, passionate, REGULAR sex (not once a year) is healthy; I go bananas without it for too long!!! No, this kind of relationship isn’t ‘true love’, but it can be warm, respectful, satisfying, and meaningful in other ways. Again, I don’t see that as immoral.
I found his reaction/rejection endearing because men are so often perceived as sex machines; ones that never pass up the opp for sex! And oftentimes, this is so very true! But in this case, I met a man who didn’t know how to have sex without developing emotional attachment. It was sweet to hear, especially coming from a guy who, on the outside (tall, handsome, big muscles, uber successful) , might be perceived as a ‘stud.’ In a way, I almost felt like I was the man, and he the woman – in terms of social stereotypes, I mean.
Best thing of all is that to this day we remain friends. Through our open discussions, yes, we choice not to be bf/gf or lovers…but we care for and respect each other to this day.
Does this clarify things somewhat? I know it’s hard to understand if you haven’t experienced friends with benefits. Sex without love isn’t a sin or immoral to me, Katherine. It can be a beautiful thing if people are open, honest, and respectful.
Thanks Delaine!! Friends with Benefits (FwB) for Divorced People!! You should have a separate article for that!!
Back in the 80′s, I remember Eddy Murphy once joking about being caught by his wife with another woman and his excuse was that he had ‘sex’ with the other woman but ‘made love’ to his wife. I see FwB almost something like this (but not quite). If we bring the issue forward a little, we simply have sex with no emotional attachments. Simple glandular satisfaction. If this is really true, why can’t people in relationships (married, engaged, boy/girlfriend) have FwB too? What would be wrong with this? ‘Sorry honey, I just needed a physical release last Friday night but there was really nothing to it.’ And if there are truly no emotions attached, who cares if it is special?
I will be honest Delaine, I do have an issue with FwB and not because it is sinful. Rob noted that he could not emotionally detach from sex. You were also impressed. I believe his decision was a higher standard and not only with men. If we detach emotionally from sex once, it gets that much easier the second and third time. And I believe this could have consequences for our next ‘serious’ relationship. Just my opinion.
Great talking again and thanks for the chance to comment!! Please take care!!
And it’s OK for you to have a different opinion towards it, Katherine. And of course, you can make choices that feel right to you and I wouldn’t want it any other way!
‘Non-love’ sex or friends with benefits or whatever you want to call it is not void of emotion. It’s not like having sex with any ‘body.’ It does involve some kind of mental, emotional and sexual connection, though again, it’s not true love. The emotional connection involved however, means the brain has to kick in and say, “Remember, be smart. This isn’t going further.” In my case I knew he didn’t want to one day be a step-dad! Definite dealbreaker! Also my brain reminded me that I didn’t really know him – ‘true love’ is something that is cultivated not just with time, but with a fully open heart. I knew not to do that, and to not confuse an oxytocin rush (attachment hormone) with feelings of true love.
Dating after divorce requires that one date with one head AND the heart. Too often, divorced women lose themsleves in visions of foreverness within the first three months of dating and with unworthy/incompatible men. That being said, some women carry buried resentment and anger towards men and truly can’t/ won’t open to loving in another serious relationship. Those are the ones who will experience ‘consequences’ when it comes to their next serious relationships.
Oh – and by the way – I DID write something about FwB! They’re pretty old now, a couple of years ago, when I was first trying to figure it out. They actually made me laugh when I reread. I was so green. Here’s the links, as well as to an article on the Huffington Post I was interviewed in. Cheers!
http://iamdivorcednotdead.com/sex-dating/have-fun-but-be-careful/delaine/friends-with-benefits-a-myth-a-rarity-or-a-matter-of-luck/
http://iamdivorcednotdead.com/sex-dating/have-fun-but-be-careful/delaine/friends-with-benefits/
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/vicki-larson/friends-with-benefits_b_907878.html