Not Just A ‘Divorcee’: I’m a Magnficient Women with A Past
There is a feeling under my skin - one that has risen to the surface over the past few years since my divorce. It tells of love, despair, renewal, and adventure. It comes from marrying, birthing, falling, bleeding, daring, reaching and celebrating. It’s a story – a hard-earned one – that is me, but not all of me: I am becoming a “A Woman with a Past.”
When I describe myself like so, I don’t envision a woman weighed down with luggage. “With a past” doesn’t drag behind me like a heavy, iron chain. To my ear, this desciption it is melodic; a brush of light. It swoops upwards, like a swirl, a spiral of color, representing the depth and strength of my spirit; for even though I’ve ‘failed’ and cried and made mistakes time and time again, some amazing part of me always pushed me to dig, grapple, fight, and thrust myself forward again. I’ve worked hard to ‘bury’ my mistakes – not so I could hide them, but so that I could recycle them into new tools for the future. And most importantly, I didn’t lose my ability to love.
This thing called ‘Time” now affords me somewhat of a bird’s eye view of my history. I see my evolution, my innocence and naivety, my growing pains, my spurts, my times of immense personal trials and tribulations. And the biggest difference I see in the Woman I am today verses the Delaine of five, ten, even fifteen years ago, is that she is more at peace with herself and stronger. Not stronger as in ‘tough’, but strong as in having faith in herself.
I don’t know if being a Woman with a Past is something one only feels with age. I’m not even sure if most women are consciously aware that they’ve become one; maybe it’s a rite of passage we all go through, though it commonly passes unnoticed or unspoken of…
But as I look to my future, I see myself worrying less about the others’ approval and the mistakes I made ‘back when,’ and caring more about being true to myself NOW. I see myself wearing my past mistakes, not as a source of shame or burden, but as the necessary splash of black that keeps me grounded and wise. I envision myself living and feeling with intensity; sparkling..radiating…dancing…and uplifting. And with my eyes facing front I allow the swirl of my past to flow behind me – like an elegant silk scarf playing in the wind.