Answering the Question: “When Did You Last Have Sex?”
It’s a question many ladies get asked by a sexual partner, either prior to having sex, or immediately afterwards: “When was the last time you had sex?” And though your partner has a right to be curious, it may not be a question you want to answer. Maybe you had sex only a few weeks or even days ago. Maybe you fell into bed with your ex! Whatever the case, you sense that you’re going to be judged by your response, even if your partner claims he won’t. So what do you do/say?
Marlene, a 34-year-old divorced mom and client of mine, was recently asked this question. And given her belief that honesty is always the best route, she told him flat out: two days ago. “The shock on his face made me feel embarrassed,” she said. “Next thing you know I started explaining myself, how I’d unexpectedly run into a former lover. And it really put a damper on the great sex he and I had shared. I was floored that he even asked me that question, especially since I’d forewarned him that I wasn’t looking for a serious relationship!!!”
Marlene is not alone in her solid morals around being honest; and I applaud her for that. That being said, how could she have replied in a way that didn’t make his brows nit together in disapproval?
First, there’s honesty of the heavenly white kind and other ones more tinged with grey. But I had to challenge Marlene on that; she believes that 100% honesty is ALWAYS the best route. I reminded her that there are situations where we consider the other’s person feelings over honesty. “If I stood in front of you 10 pounds heavier, Marlene, and asked you, blatantly upset, if I looked chubby, would you deliver me the uncensored truth – because you think it’s the ‘right’ thing to do? Or would you dampen it out of sensitivity to me?…
“Now apply this sensitivity to the bedroom situation with your sexual partner.”
“Hmmmm…” she replied. She ‘got’ the analogy.
OK, so how do you apply sensitivity to the sex scenario without downright lying? Vagueness, diversion, and/or humour! Here are some examples:
1) A sweet and playful, “It’s none of your business hun” or “I don’t kiss and tell” (men use that line, so can you!)
2) “Hmmm. It’s been awhile, how about you?” (‘awhile’ is relative and subjective)
3) “I can’t recall at the moment cause I’m still far off in Post-Orgasmic Land. Damn you were good…”
4) “TOO long, how about you?” (you’d gladly invite more sex into your life right now, wouldn’t you? Many of us are sorely deprived!)
So bear the above suggestions in mind as you continue to navigate the post-divorce dating/sex trenches. And remember ladies, it’s OK for you to have your ‘secrets’ – having sex with a man doesn’t necessitate you reveal everything and anything, especially when your ‘relationship’ is fresh out of the starting gates. A large part of growing into the skin of a confidant woman after divorcing means owning, not justifying, who you are in all respects of your life, bedroom too. Be kind, be respectful, have good bedside manner in the afterglow of sex, and of course, use protection. And as for your sexual history, abundant or non-existent, you CAN choose to leave it private; a mystery.