“She Had Wild Sex With Multiple Partners”: Should he be worried?

Posted by Delaine - July 4, 2011 - Concerns & Fears, Fears & Challenges, Loving & Trusting, Relationships, Sex - 8 Comments

If a woman experiences wild sex with multiple partners after divorce, is she less apt to be faithful in her next relationship?

This question was at the core of a recent letter I received from a reader.  “We’ve been together for over a year and a half,” he wrote. “We have a fantastic sex life, I love her madly and deeply, and she says she’s never loved anyone like how she loves me –

“But sometimes when we go out we run into some of her old lovers.  I know these are men she had threesomes with, kinky sex, wild, exploratory sex.  I see the way they look at her…and every once in while I wonder, will her sexual history come back to destroy her willingness to be faithful to me?”

I don’t think one has anything to do with the other. In fact,  I wrote him back and told him that he’s one’s damn lucky man.

At any point in her life, if a woman gives herself permission to explore her sexuality she’s at risk of being labelled by others as a skank, a whore,  not to mention a bad mother, dirty, immoral, ‘used up’… you get the picture.

Yet that branding is not only unfair, it’s completely  illogical.  It somehow assumes that once a woman tastes the power of her sexuality she becomes a slave to her sexual desires – that she can’t be trusted; that her mind and heart no longer factor into the equation of her choices, both present or future.

I asked this man, my reader, a few questions:

“Do you have reason to believe she’s lying when she says she loves you?”

“No,” he responded.  “On the contrary, I fully believe her.”

“Does she conduct herself in an inappropriate way when you go out?”

“Not at all, she’s very much a lady.  She’s a professional and smart as a whip.”

“Do you think she would be such a great lover to you now if she hadn’t taken the time to explore her sexuality before meeting you?”

“Probably not,” he said.

“Then you are the lucky one,” I responded.  “You are with a woman who lives, feels, and explores life deeply, her sexuality included.  She possesses an open mind, a willingness to embrace, she’s not someone who hides or makes her life choices based solely on the rules of what ‘others’ think.  To have captured the heart of such a woman is a huge blessing…for all her love and passion and energy now flow towards YOU.”

I then cut to the chase: “How does it feel when you’re out with her in public and her former lovers look at her?”

“I feel protective of her.  Like maybe they look down on her and only think of her sexually,”  he said.

Now we were getting somewhere – cause  a lot of men wouldn’t be able to handle a woman having an exploratory sexual history – it goes against their programming to find a ‘Good Girl’ too.

I replied:  “Don’t assume they think less of her,” I replied.  “Remember, these men got a taste of what they WISH their girlfriends/wives would be like.  They look at you and they KNOW what you get at home…and I bet some large part of them is really jealous, even if they say otherwise to their buddies.

“YOU are an incredible man, ” I continued.  “You openly accept her and love her for all that she is and has been. And not many men are big enough, secure enough, passionate enough to love a  Woman who has defied the rules.

“Sounds to me like you’re very well matched.”

What do you think?  Can most men handle being in a relationship with a woman with a strong sexual past? Is the best course of action that a woman not reveal her explorations?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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