“She Had Wild Sex With Multiple Partners”: Should he be worried?
If a woman experiences wild sex with multiple partners after divorce, is she less apt to be faithful in her next relationship?
This question was at the core of a recent letter I received from a reader. “We’ve been together for over a year and a half,” he wrote. “We have a fantastic sex life, I love her madly and deeply, and she says she’s never loved anyone like how she loves me –
“But sometimes when we go out we run into some of her old lovers. I know these are men she had threesomes with, kinky sex, wild, exploratory sex. I see the way they look at her…and every once in while I wonder, will her sexual history come back to destroy her willingness to be faithful to me?”
I don’t think one has anything to do with the other. In fact, I wrote him back and told him that he’s one’s damn lucky man.
At any point in her life, if a woman gives herself permission to explore her sexuality she’s at risk of being labelled by others as a skank, a whore, not to mention a bad mother, dirty, immoral, ‘used up’… you get the picture.
Yet that branding is not only unfair, it’s completely illogical. It somehow assumes that once a woman tastes the power of her sexuality she becomes a slave to her sexual desires – that she can’t be trusted; that her mind and heart no longer factor into the equation of her choices, both present or future.
I asked this man, my reader, a few questions:
“Do you have reason to believe she’s lying when she says she loves you?”
“No,” he responded. “On the contrary, I fully believe her.”
“Does she conduct herself in an inappropriate way when you go out?”
“Not at all, she’s very much a lady. She’s a professional and smart as a whip.”
“Do you think she would be such a great lover to you now if she hadn’t taken the time to explore her sexuality before meeting you?”
“Probably not,” he said.
“Then you are the lucky one,” I responded. “You are with a woman who lives, feels, and explores life deeply, her sexuality included. She possesses an open mind, a willingness to embrace, she’s not someone who hides or makes her life choices based solely on the rules of what ‘others’ think. To have captured the heart of such a woman is a huge blessing…for all her love and passion and energy now flow towards YOU.”
I then cut to the chase: “How does it feel when you’re out with her in public and her former lovers look at her?”
“I feel protective of her. Like maybe they look down on her and only think of her sexually,” he said.
Now we were getting somewhere – cause a lot of men wouldn’t be able to handle a woman having an exploratory sexual history – it goes against their programming to find a ‘Good Girl’ too.
I replied: “Don’t assume they think less of her,” I replied. “Remember, these men got a taste of what they WISH their girlfriends/wives would be like. They look at you and they KNOW what you get at home…and I bet some large part of them is really jealous, even if they say otherwise to their buddies.
“YOU are an incredible man, ” I continued. “You openly accept her and love her for all that she is and has been. And not many men are big enough, secure enough, passionate enough to love a Woman who has defied the rules.
“Sounds to me like you’re very well matched.”
What do you think? Can most men handle being in a relationship with a woman with a strong sexual past? Is the best course of action that a woman not reveal her explorations?
8 comments
Yes I did .can again! I care whether she has a good sex life before me. I have an ex GF who was very sexual and it is fine because I benefited from the experience and the self knowledge!
It’s great that you have the self-confidence to appreciate her past sexual experiences, Scott, cause many men can’t. On some level they worry about ‘measuring up’ not just in terms of size but performance. It’s easier for some men just to label her a slut; then their insecurities aren’t the issue any more.
I love this and I LOVE your response. Why is it that women exploring their sexual selves is so threatening to men?
Hi Luna, and thanks for the compliment. Again, I think much of men’s insecurity boils down to their fear of not measuring up. But the ‘measuring up’ also has a social face/aspect to it in that if they’re with a woman who perhaps has somewhat of a reputation, that bludgeons their ego and they feel she diminishes their worth. I think the social programming around good girls and bad girls runs deep in men too, perhaps way deeper than I will know.
If any men out there want to comment on this, please, speak up!
The majority of women I talk to openly admit that their wild experiences caused them to devalue their relationships, past and future, and that a single man being able to “measure up” to their past is a serious issue.
I think its best to be somewhat vague about your past sexual experiences. I don’t think you should lie but to fully disclose is not productive. This goes both ways.
Hi D,
well said, the problem is actually measuring up. Instead of the men to embrace such sexuality they tag the lady ‘whore”. Can anybody tell me who doesn’t like great s….
The guy is so brave for being different and is being rewarded with such a wonderful lady in return.
I agree that a long history of sexual partners does not necessarily translate into infidelity. However, it does nicely detail a pattern of behaviour and choices. Humans rarely change their patterns in the long term. There is a reason why places of employment ask for a resume because they want to see your patterns and decisions.
Here are the concerns that I have:
1. No big deal and possibly dangerous – Anyone can have multiple sexual partners. This is just sex and not a cure for cancer. This is not something to appreciate or aspire to achieve. Indeed, I have a dear friend who had multiple sexual partners many years ago and he contracted a severe STD.
2. Lack of respect – How about a person NOT communicating their ‘threesomes with, kinky sex, wild, exploratory…’ to their mate in great detail and show just a little decorum and respect for the feelings of the other person? How about not taking your significant other to places where you will bump into the groups of people you chose to bed? Even if there was a chance you would hurt your mate’s feelings, why would you choose to do this?
3. ‘…these men got a taste of what they WISH their girlfriends/wives would be like’ How Pussycat Dolls of you Delaine! Is that what we men wish? Loyalty, respect, and honour (wow…honour…is that extinct on the earth now?) are qualities I prefer in a mate rather than obvious selfishness.
How about a mate that that didn’t need to sleep with half the Navy and still has an open mind and willing to explore in bed? Coupled with honour and respect, I believe this far more sexy than someone who has been there and done them (all).