The Salvation of His Gi-normous Meaty Arms
Sometimes I haven’t done a very good job ‘coping’ with the stress of my divorce. I know we’re suppose to try and make healthy decisions during such times – ie, do yoga, be kind to ourselves, meditate, yada yada yada – but sometimes those options don’t just disinterest me, they annoy the hell out of me; It’s like, c’mon divorce pros, is that all ya got?
I’m currently facing a particularly stressful time in my divorce: a court date is fast approaching. I’ve found myself unable to concentrate. My work has suffered. I haven’t been exercising and only eating sporatically. And I’ll admit, I’ve had a few more drinks this past week than I think I’ve had in an entire year.
But as a girflriend put it to me on the phone this weekend, “Sometimes ‘coping’ really doesn’t involve much more than that. Some of us smoke, others sleep, others take anti-depressants, some of us go take a lover to feel good…we do what we need to do get through the shortterm.”
And though I’d never advocate substance abuse as a way to deal with stress or divorce, my girlfriends words did remind me that I sometimes expect SO much of myself during hard times that I end up beating myself up even MORE when I don’t acheive them. It’s like my mind is pertpetually on standby, reminding me of what I ‘should’ be doing, how I ‘should’ be feeling: stronger, more faithful in the universe, more positive, and HOW DARE I not be motivated enough to go do that damn yoga class!
So I made a choice this past weekend – the final weekend before my court date. I decided that how I really needed to cope was to escape. Be distracted. Not in a wild way, but a comforting one, one that involved I spend the night with a friend/lover who, when he holds me with his gi-normous arms, I feel wrapped up in a giant coccoon. And I made sure they were around me all night – those long, meaty arms were my blanket; a sweet hiding place.
And even though my head was a little spinny from the B-52s and wine we drank, even though he’s not my serious ‘boyfriend’ and he doesn’t know the extent of what is tranpiring in my life, therein lays part of the beauty. The universe gave me what I needed; a feeling of warmth and protection, without having to hache open all the shit that’s going on. I temporarily felt peaceful. Beautiful. Like everything was OK…
And the best thing of all is that I’m now 24 hours closer to my court date – and closure.